Man, if the Justice Department still existed, you’d be in so much trouble (She left a paper trail about not leaving a paper trail)

An article in The Wall Street Journal reported that Kimberly Guilfoyle, the U.S. ambassador to Greece, had asked a political donor to pay off a $100,000 credit card bill. Man, if the Justice Department still existed, you’d be in so much trouble. — Michael Kosta

“Wow, that was not subtle. Usually it’s, ‘Meet me in the parking lot with a suitcase full of bills.’ But Guilfoyle was like, ‘Here is a PDF with instructions for how to send me a bribe.’” — Michael Kosta

“And damn, a $100,000 credit card bill? Now her current job makes sense: ‘Hmm, we need a new ambassador who really understands Greece. Kimberly, you’re deep in debt. You’d be perfect!’” — Michael Kosta

“Whoa, real criminal mastermind we got here. She left a paper trail about not leaving a paper trail. Didn’t help that she named the group chat ‘Paper Trail (Crimes).’” — Michael Kosta

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sometimes I also start at the bottom of my to-do list (tomorrow's bread)

“President Trump said in a recent post on Truth Social that he supports a Senate bill that would end daylight-saving time and added, ‘Who wouldn’t want more SUN in the afternoon than in the morning?’ Sure, OK, daylight-saving time. Sometimes I also start at the bottom of my to-do list.” — Michael Kosta

“Finally a crisis that Trump takes seriously — being late for dinner.” — Michael Kosta 

As Trump’s approval ratings get lower, something curious happens: somehow his engine fills up with more and more self-esteem. —Jimmy Kimmel 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was like the last supper if everyone there believed they were the son of God (they did misspell United States)

President Trump met with tech leaders on Tuesday, with Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos among the attendees who signed a voluntary agreement to adopt A.I. safety policies. “They’re really going to be policing each other,” Mr. Trump said on Tuesday afternoon outside the White House. It was like the last supper if everyone there believed they were the son of God. —Jordan Klepper 

“Sure, we don’t need laws! I’m sure we could trust these guys.” —Jordan Klepper

“I’m not saying that this self-policing document they signed is [expletive] that they barely bothered to read, but I will say they did misspell ‘United States.’” — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We have so much to learn from your people (I’d rather be standing in front of a tank in a square face)

Trump spent most of Xi’s White House visit just pointing at [expletive], while Xi did his best effort to pretend to be impressed. Trump was particularly proud of his new helipad, telling reporters that Xi “loves good granite.” Does he? Does he love good granite? Is that his ‘I love good granite’ face? Because it looks like his ‘I’d rather be standing in front of a tank in a square’ face.” — Jon Stewart

“President Trump, I’m sure you’re proud of your new circular granite helicopter parking spot; but just so you know, this is Shenzhen, China. They’ve got a fully autonomous magnetic levitation train. Pretty sure he’s not blown away by ‘carved rock in shape of circle.’” — Jon Stewart

“By the way, you know, China did used to work in rock about 3,000 years ago. So, again, I’m pretty sure Xi Jinping is not like, ‘This used to be grass, and now it’s rock? We have so much to learn from your people.’” — Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And only you can stop it (Oh, my god, that is so embarrassing!)

President Trump rolled out the red carpet for Chinese President Xi Jinping this week, beginning by personally greeting him on the tarmac at Joint Base Andrews on Wednesday. Trump picked him up at the airport? OK, that is friendship. I don’t even pick my own kid up at the airport! — Desi Lydic

“Did you see Trump flinch when those B-51 bombers flew overhead when he greeted China’s president? Oh, my god, that is so embarrassing! Why did you wince like that? You are the one who ordered the flyover! It’s like when a baby farts so loud that it scares itself.” — Desi Lydic

“Anyway, this was not a good omen for negotiations with China. There are major issues at stake here: trade, A.I., the war with Iran. Now President Xi knows all he has to do to rattle Trump is drop a book on the floor.” — Desi Lydic

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sounds like somebody can’t take ‘boo’ for an answer (wishing that it was two hours longer)

In an interview with “Fox & Friends” on Wednesday, the first lady, Melania Trump, announced a forthcoming documentary series in which she would be answering “private questions.” The announcement came less than a year after another documentary on Mrs. Trump, called simply “Melania,” was released to mixed reviews. If you’re one of the people who left the theater wishing that it was two hours longer, good news! —Desi Lydic

“You don’t have a date yet? You need a more specific timeline than that. It’s a documentary, not your husband’s war.” — Desi Lydic

“The only thing people want to know is what you fed your kid to make him eight feet tall.” — Desi Lydic

“I’m sorry, didn’t Melania just release a documentary about yourself? Sounds like somebody can’t take ‘boo’ for an answer.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, here’s a positive story (Have you tried presidenting better?)

The hottest spot in D.C. has just changed their door policy, after President Trump barred CNN, MS NOW and Politico from the White House last Friday. The president revoked their press credentials, saying he was tired of reading their “negative stories” and calling them “fake news.” Have you tried presidenting better? — Jon Stewart 

“You could ban the press, or you could be a better [expletive] president.” — Jon Stewart

“I mean, give the press something to work with. Oh, here’s a positive story: ‘I never thought my car could take $140 worth of gas in such a small tank!’” — Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hold for booing (the Iran war championship T-shirt merch we had to throw away)

“Well, get this, last night during a speech in North Carolina, Trump said high gas prices are a ‘very inexpensive price to pay’ for the war. Then his teleprompter said, ‘Hold for booing.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“We’ve got a problem with diesel, and I mean the fuel source, not the brand of jeans worn exclusively by disgusting Europeans. And the cost is even more when you count all the military bases we have to repair, all the equipment we’ll have to fix, all the Iran war championship T-shirt merch we had to throw away.” — Michael Kosta

“I’m starting to think it’s bad that our entire economy is built on extracting oil from incredibly narrow waterways in the world’s most volatile region.” — Michael Kosta

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which means you just did corruption for the love of the game (they still can’t resist a freebie)

It has been reported that Umar Kremlev, a Russian businessman with ties to the Kremlin, paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to help finance Donald Trump Jr.’s wedding after-party in May. A Russian oligarch with ties to Putin paid for the president’s son’s wedding weekend, and this is a presidential family of billionaires, which means you just did corruption for the love of the game. —Josh Johnson

“This whole family’s been making billions off Trump’s presidency, and they still can’t resist a freebie, whether it’s a Qatari jet, or a post-wedding chocolate fountain.” —Josh Johnson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s two trips to the grocery store (we should be faking our own death and starting a new life in Thailand)

During his keynote speech at the G.O.P. midterm convention in Dallas on Wednesday, President Trump promised that he would give every American $5,000 if Republicans retained control of both the House and Senate in the upcoming elections. $5,000? That’s two trips to the grocery store. — Michael Kosta

“I like how Trump calls this a dividend. Do you know when businesses hand out dividends? When they’re raking in money. The last time I checked, we, as a country, have negative $40 trillion of money. America should not be handing out dividends — we should be faking our own death and starting a new life in Thailand.” — Michael Kosta

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

beautifully maintained and beautifully taken care of (286 days at sea)

Here’s a quick recap of Donald Trump’s low-key actions in the should-be slow month of August: rolling back childhood vaccine requirements, attacking mail-in voting, threatening to demolish the Kennedy Center and suggesting he would bomb American allies such as Oman, as well as all of Iran. 

“God, it never ends with this dude Trump,” Stewart lamented. “I’ve never seen one person work so much and fix so little. It’s exhausting in a way that’s difficult to articulate,” which is why one of the stories from August stuck with Stewart. 

That would be the plight of the USS Abraham Lincoln, the huge aircraft carrier carrying more than 5,000 US sailors and marines, which recently docked in Thailand, rusted and corroded by the elements, after 286 days at sea. 

“This is what we look like as Americans inside after 18 months of this presidency,” Stewart joked next to a photo of the run-down ship. “I want you to think about the visible, tangible, actual, indisputable, factual signs of corrosion on this ship.” Trump, meanwhile, claimed the ship was “beautifully maintained and beautifully taken care of”. 

“It’s not!” Stewart exclaimed. “The actual Abraham Lincoln is in better shape than this ship! A ‘beautifully maintained, beautifully taken care of’ ship doesn’t look like the abandoned bridge near my high school where we used to smoke weed. 

“It’s this, the relentless denial of reality that is one of the elements eating away at the foundational load-bearing structures that hold this country together,” he added. 

The other corrosive element? The memes. “Please make it stop,” a deeply fatigued Stewart pleaded before playing the clip, posted to official government accounts, of Trump crossing out the name “Lake Ontario” and writing “Lake America” in Sharpie amid escalating trade tensions with Canada. “You can’t! That’s not how things work!” Stewart shouted. “You don’t settle complicated international agreements by writing just a new name on the map and expecting everyone to just follow along. 

“Why are we trolling them?” he wondered of the Trump administration’s needling of Canada. “Is that the plan? To troll them into submission?” —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have very low self-esteem (deviled eggs)

With Anthony Fauci facing a Senate hearing this week. Trump has claimed that Joe Biden called him to tell him he was no good. This is obviously a lie because if you called Joe Biden, you’d still be on the phone right now. —Seth Meyers 

Senator Rand Paul released more than 1,000 pages from Dr. Anthony S. Fauci’s Covid-era diary as part of a Senate investigation into the former top government scientist’s role in the pandemic response on Wednesday. The entries highlighted Fauci’s astonishment at his newfound fame in 2020. Are we supposed to be surprised that Fauci wrote about being called sexier than Tyra Banks? If someone called me sexier than Tyra Banks, I’d write that in my diary. You know what, I’d write about being called sexier than Carlton Banks. I might even write about being compared favorably to a Bank of America. I have very low self-esteem. — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Maybe share a heartwarming story about how you two met (I said he was good with numbers)

Senator Lindsey Graham’s memorial services began in Washington on Tuesday, with President Trump appearing as one of the speakers. Come on, Donny! You guys spent so much time together. Maybe share a heartwarming story about how you two met. Maybe just say something nice about your old friend? Instead, President Trump told anecdotes about his quarrel with Graham in 2016 and shared his personal cellphone number with the millions of people that happened to be watching that particular day as I made a speech. OK, interesting choice. I might have chosen a moment that highlights Lindsey’s character, but I guess the time he got 10,000 calls from guys named ‘Mike Rotch’ and ‘Hugh Jass’ is also equally good. — Jordan Klepper

I can’t believe I have to say this to Donald Trump, but can you just lie to us? It’s a memorial; you can paint a rosier picture. I didn’t go to my Uncle Lou’s funeral and tell everyone he was the Zodiac Killer — I said he was good with numbers, you know? — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Show some respect for the office (it makes it very hard to delay anything)

When Trump last visited Michigan in January, a heckler called him a “pedophile protector” during his visit and once again, during a speech, he was called the same thing. Show some respect for the office. That’s President Pedophile Protector. —Jordan Klepper 

This week has also seen a report showing that the beleaguered Taylor Farms tried to delay an FDA recall announcement after it was alleged the recent explosive diarrhea outbreak originated there. If I understand correctly, cyclospora makes it very hard to delay anything. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Normally I’d say don’t quit your day job but in this case... (the hoax of Trickle Down economics)

There was a hydration break in the war between US and Iran with a second straight day of peace. President Trump decided to stop bombing the strait of Hormuz and to start bombing at the White House correspondents dinner. —Jon Stewart

The president’s performance at the annual event had been widely criticized for being awkward and unfunny. Normally I’d say don’t quit your day job but in this case … I will make an exception. —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought we were going to work this ‘oot (I haven’t decided which plane I’m taking)

President Trump signed orders on Monday imposing a 50 percent tariff on Canadian goods imported into the U.S. OK, now what are we taxing ourselves to punish Canada for? Fighting again with Canada? I thought we were going to work this ‘oot.’” — Desi Lydic

Trump is threatening further tariffs on Canada for the smoke coming into the U.S. from their wildfires. Are you sure you want America to set a precedent for paying for pollution? I feel like your pals at Pesticide Microplastic Death Diarrhea Lettuce Inc. might have other ideas. — Desi Lydic

“I love how he’s discovering climate change while standing next to his idling jet: ‘Something is causing this, and we have got to get to the bottom of it. Keep the engine running guys, all of ‘em. I haven’t decided which plane I’m taking.’” — Desi Lydic

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Rocky took the chairlift (putting raisins on rice)

Tuesday marked the third consecutive day of US airstrikes in Iran after the country said that it would charge tolls for ships to pass through the strait of Hormuz. Meanwhile, Trump has announced his own plans to charge a 20% toll on cargo shipped that passes through the strait. How did we end up like this? We’re a global superpower and we’re haggling over tolls with the Iranians. We’re not going to beat the Iranians at haggling – they invented it, and putting raisins on rice. —Michael Kosta 

Donald Trump had a lackluster reaction while greeting IndyCar racing drivers at the White House. Maybe it didn’t have that Eye of the Tiger energy. This would be like, if instead of running up the steps of the museum, Rocky took the chairlift. —Michael Kosta

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It says ‘Epstein files’? Don’t open it!’ (Because the president flies with an extra emotional support plane)

On Wednesday, President Trump left the NATO summit in Turkey on his old Air Force One instead of a new Qatari-donated Boeing 747-8 after the Secret Service urged the switch as a security precaution amid hostilities with Iran, according to people briefed on the plans. Did they bring both Air Force Ones? Is that why there’s no gas in the world anymore? Because the president flies with an extra emotional support plane? — Ronny Chieng

Also, you know what happens any time they switch planes on you, OK? Trump definitely lost his luggage. He’s calling them like, ‘Hey, did you guys find a box? It says ‘Epstein files’? Don’t open it!’ — Ronny Chieng

“I mean, it is a little suspicious. It’s like being at a party where the toilet’s overflowing and all of a sudden, I’m like, ‘OK, everyone, I have to leave immediately. No one read into this, please.’” — Ronny Chieng

“And, of course, we had to abandon the Qatari plane for security concerns. Of course that happened. This is why when it comes to the most important plane in the world, you don’t go certified pre-owned.” — Ronny Chieng

“America should spring for a new one, and Trump should give the Qatar plane to, I don’t know, give it to Southwest. I’ll fly in it. I don’t care if they spy on me. What are you going to do, find out I’m watching my own movies on the entertainment system? I’m not ashamed! I’m great in them.” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Belgians took the red card we canceled and shoved it up our goal post (This is the worst thing a person pardoned by Trump has ever done)

“And if you’re thinking Trump interfering with the World Cup is corrupt, well, [expletive] yeah, it is! Because that’s America’s style of play. You think we’re going to obey soccer rules? We don’t even listen to the Geneva Convention.” — Ronny Chieng

“4-1? Balogun, get the [expletive] out of my country, all right? This is the worst thing a person pardoned by Trump has ever done.” — Ronny Chieng, referring to the final score of the U.S.-Belgium match.

“4-1! For those Americans watching at home who don’t understand soccer, 4-1 is a humiliating score, OK? The Belgians took the red card we canceled and shoved it up our goal post.” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The land of the Karen (How to get a guy a pardon)

After a red-card foul during the World Cup, the soccer star Folarin Balogun was handed an automatic one-match suspension, ruling him out of the U.S. team’s game against Belgium on Monday — until President Trump intervened, after which FIFA suspended the ban. This is America, bitch! The land of the Karen. — Ronny Chieng

“Trump didn’t know what a red card is. But you know what he did know? How to get a guy a pardon.” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”