The Joy of Whitewashing (they must also be comfortable with confined spaces)

Over the weekend Bill Clinton posted an ad seeking an intern for “special projects”. Applicants for the position must be familiar in at least three positions, plus they must also be comfortable with confined spaces. —Greg Gutfeld 

Hillary Clinton also posted an ad for an intern as well saying applicants must also be proficient in strangling. —Greg Gutfeld 

Many women are grudgingly consenting to ‘mercy sex’ despite having no erotic feelings toward their husbands. This according to a survey of MSNow hosts. —Greg Gutfeld   

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But what if you’re a clown? (vowels)

The Wall Street Journal has recommended clown school for those experiencing burnout. But what if you’re a clown? —Greg Gutfeld 

Sylvester Stallone’s Tulsa King has been renewed for another season. In this season Sly will try something he’s never done before. Vowels. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

his recent weight gain poses a significant health risk (The Hut)

“Speaking of Trump, The Washington Post suggests that his recent weight gain poses a significant health risk noting that Joe Biden kept his trim figure through a daily regimen of [expletive] his pants.” — Greg Gutfeld

“Pizza Hut has announced that they are shortening their name at least temporarily to ‘Hut.’ Meanwhile, Taco Bell is shortening its name to diarrhea.” — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sorry, dude. You had your shot (Ouija board/Crying is not an emergency)

The CDC named mosquitoes as the world's deadliest animal, blaming it on 700,000 deaths each year, except for 2021 when another blood sucker called Fauci came in first. —Greg Gutfeld 

45 years after a lovesick John Hinckley tried to kill President Reagan in an attempt to impress Jodie Foster, Hinckley's reached out to the actress again. Sorry, dude. You had your shot. —Greg Gutfeld 

ICE will be given gloves that produce electric shocks to deal with rioters. After hearing the news, Don Lemon claimed there's an illegal immigrant up his butt. —Greg Gutfeld 

Kentucky governor Andy Beshear claimed he had not heard from Mitch McConnell about his recovery process. He thinks the main problem is that his Ouija board isn’t working. —Kat Timpf 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is that pie? (feeling fresh before a hijacking)

Dallas Fort Worth International Airport will install Islamic foot washes inside their restrooms. It's all part of a bigger plan to make al-Qaeda members feel fresh before a hijacking. —Greg Gutfeld 

A pervert at Planet Fitness secretly filmed dozens of naked women while they were using the tanning beds. That's fake news. It was Gold's gym and I'm not a pervert. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Labor Day wish (Well, I guess Kid Rock is safe)

Rosie O'Donnell claims she got hit on by a handsome man after her facelift. Now, was this before or after his seeing eye dog licked her hand? —Greg Gutfeld 

The man with the world's smallest penis is getting his crowdfunding enlargement operation on August 17th. In a related story, that's the same day I'm guest hosting Jesse Waters Prime Time. —Greg Gutfeld 

According to a new study, hidden chemicals are lurking in 85% of personal care products like shampoo and soap. Well, I guess Kid Rock is safe. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll take gold over what was all over the walls when Bill was president (Hillary Clinton’s book tour)

Hillary Clinton says the gold decorations all over the walls in the Trump White House remind her of Saddam Hussein's palaces in Baghdad. Well, say what you want, Hillary, but I'll take gold over what was all over the walls when Bill was president. —Greg Gutfeld 

Finally, murders continue to be on a historic decline despite there being spikes in eight cities, which for some reason all seem to align with Hillary Clinton’s book tour. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When one of us is under attack, we're all under attack (the same way he used to get onto Epstein’s plane)

President Trump slipped out of Turkey last month by hiding in a catering truck. Meanwhile, Joe Biden slipped out of a hearse after hitting a speed bump. —Greg Gutfeld 

“President Trump slipped out of Turkey last month by hiding in a catering truck. That’s the same way he used to get onto Epstein’s plane.” — Anthony Anderson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's been a rough month for Dr. Fauci (This is Gary Webb)

The commissioner of the WNBA said the league is having a meeting to review what a woman is. So far, they've disqualified anyone who can back out of the driveway without running into the mailbox. —Greg Gutfeld 

A team of divers recently discovered a 162 year old bottle of beer that experts claimed could be drinkable. Even more remarkable, they also discovered a box of wine that lasted 20 minutes in Kamala Harris's fridge. —Greg Gutfeld 

A Long Island stripper is suing a doctor who slapped her with a restraining order after she told his wife about their affair. Wow. It's been a rough month for Dr. Fauci. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's the last time I hire anybody from Visiting Angels (Just food?)

Kamala Harris was asked to list the most effective presidents in American history, and she left out Joe Biden. After hearing this, Joe responded, “That's the last time I hire anybody from Visiting Angels.” —Greg Gutfeld 

The food stained dress Anne Hathaway wore in The Devil Wears Prada 2 is headed for auction. “Just food,” asked Bill Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, at least we know Mitch McConnell is safe (Lab Rats)

RFK Jr. has cut government ties with a Kentucky medical group that removed organs from victims that were still alive. Still alive? Huh? Well, at least we know Mitch McConnell is safe. –Greg Gutfeld 

A Florida steakhouse is inviting their customers to dine in the nude, meaning you now have more options when it comes to hair in your food. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but you can only get it on your birthday (So my soulmate is out there)

Researchers at Stanford have successfully used AI to create new viruses. But wait, that's my job, said Dr. Fauci. —Greg Gutfeld 

While selling a product to viewers, instead of saying the name blowout, the QVC host accidentally said blow***. Yeah. Men could still order it, but you can only get it on your birthday. –Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What about the cheerleaders? (23%)

New York City will pay hotels almost $2 billion to house the homeless, which means tourists are now eligible for free rooms as long as they poop in the streets. —Greg Gutfeld 

Finally, Jerry Jones says he's open to sell the Dallas Cowboys. What about the cheerleaders, asked Bill Clinton? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The good news, she was just crowned Miss New Jersey (Great. Now, how do I screen my interns?)

Miss North Carolina lost her crown after racist posts resurfaced where she repeatedly uses the n-word. The good news, she was just crowned Miss New Jersey. —Greg Gutfeld 

San Francisco ordered Apple and Google to remove apps that can digitally erase people's clothes that would show them naked. Great. Now, how do I screen my interns? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The senators were angry that he wasted their whole day when they could have been doing nothing (she can now do math)

So, a Senate committee voted to hold Anthony Fauci in contempt for taking the fifth more than a hundred times. The senators were angry that he wasted their whole day when they could have been doing nothing. —Greg Gutfeld

A woman is suing for $10 million after a player's bat flew into the stands at Yankee Stadium and struck her in the head. Doctors say the woman was hit so hard she can now do math. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She had to cut the interview short to go visit her daughter in prison (taking our Social Security and Medicare away)

Rosie O'Donnell went on far-left podcaster Cara Swisser's show this week where they both agreed that lesbians make better parents. Unfortunately, Rosie had to cut the interview short to go visit her daughter in prison. —Greg Gutfeld 

85 year-old actress Donna Mills says she will sell pictures of her feet on her new Only Fans account. She claims the biggest struggle will be moving her n*pples out of the photo. —Greg Gutfeld 

The number one women's tennis player, Aryna Sabalenka, says that she supports gender testing for everyone on the WTA tour. Women will have to prove they're female by taking two and a half hours to get ready. —Tom Shillue 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Doctors say his tail will grow back in no time (he's more like Bill)

James Carville made a video letting everyone know he's recovering from surgery. Doctors say his tail will grow back in no time. —Greg Gutfeld 

And finally, a portrait of President Trump made of horse poop has sold for $1,800 in Canada. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden's poop made into a horse sold for $18,000. —Greg Gutfeld  

CNN compared Abdul El-Sayed to Hillary Clinton. In reality, he's more like Bill since they both dream about being with 72 virgins. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In her defense... (kiss cam)

Zohran Mamdani wants prisons to feature gourmet farm to table dining. Worse, he's installing a kiss cam in the prison showers. —Greg Gutfeld 

A Florida evangelist was kicked off an Alaska Airlines flight for holding a sermon and prayer on the plane before it took off. In her defense, she had seen the woman pilot. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She looked like such a deer in the headlights (help Supergirl pay her rent)

During a CNN interview, Dana Bash got into a wild shouting match with RFK Jr. She looked like such a deer in the headlights, RFK tried to eat her. —Greg Gutfeld

Over the weekend, the new Spider-Man movie made $355 million. Meanwhile, a GoFundMe was started to help Supergirl pay her rent. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank God she's not alive to see this (Here's Donnie!)

A Maine Democrat replacing Graham Platner is in a relationship with his second cousin. They have two kids together. Yeah, it turns out they met on the dating site ancestry.com. —Greg Gutfeld 

85-year-old Knots Landing star Donna Mills has joined Only Fans. Thank God she's not alive to see this. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”