Doctors say his tail will grow back in no time (he's more like Bill)

James Carville made a video letting everyone know he's recovering from surgery. Doctors say his tail will grow back in no time. —Greg Gutfeld 

And finally, a portrait of President Trump made of horse poop has sold for $1,800 in Canada. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden's poop made into a horse sold for $18,000. —Greg Gutfeld  

CNN compared Abdul El-Sayed to Hillary Clinton. In reality, he's more like Bill since they both dream about being with 72 virgins. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess that circle ain’t gonna jerk itself (he traded the medal for a bottle of Oxy)

The audience for Trump’s victory speech in the White House. The audience for Trump’s speech consisted of his legal team and republican lawmakers, cause I guess that circle ain’t gonna jerk itself. —Michael Che

During the State of the Union Trump awarded Rush Limbaugh the Presidential Medal of Freedom. And then immediately after the speech, in a more touching moment, Rush traded the medal for a bottle of Oxy. —Michael Che

The Michigan State University gift shop was forced to remove a display of dolls, depicting black historical figures hanging from a rack. Worse, they were being sold for three-fifths the price. —Michael Che

A gas station may lose its business license  after it was discovered that a male porn star recorded a video there. Even sadder it was self-pump. —Michael Che

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

or as sports fans call it, payback for "The Bachelor."​ (And this is weird...)

Researchers just unveiled a robot that can play Scrabble. It's pretty realistic. It even gets bored halfway through and stops playing. --Jimmy Fallon

In other tech news, engineers for Disney theme parks are developing technology to change a ride's path depending how scared the riders are. And this is weird, Southwest Airlines is doing the same thing. --Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday was Selection Sunday, so March Madness has officially arrived. Twelve hours a day of college basketball — or as sports fans call it, payback for "The Bachelor."​  --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Great, just not while we're eating (fake names)

In his agreement with adult film star Stormy Daniels, Trump actually used a fake name for himself — David Dennison. Trump is denying this — and referred all questions to his spokesman, Dennis Dennison. --Jimmy Fallon

In his agreement with Stormy Daniels, Trump used a fake name. And Stormy said, "Well, he wasn't the only one faking something." --Jimmy Fallon

But today Stormy Daniels' lawyer said that she is free to talk about her sexual relationship with Trump. Americans are like, "Great, just not while we're eating." --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

So, this year's rebuttal was given by Melania (I may have to look for a new wife soon)

President Trump gave his State of the Union address, and as per tradition, someone who opposes the president gave the rebuttal. So, this year's rebuttal was given by Melania. --Conan O’Brien

President Trump's approval rating is above 50 percent in just a handful of states. Those states include Georgia, Mississippi, and Denial. --Conan O’Brien

Trump said he now supports a plan for young immigrants to become citizens. When asked why, Trump said, "Because I may have to look for a new wife soon." --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Usually I'm not a fan of premature release (biggest victory for ducks)

Congratulations to the Anaheim Ducks. They won the Stanley Cup Championship. I believe this is the biggest victory for ducks since  Dick Cheney shot that lawyer in the face." --Jay Leno

"After serving only three days of her prison sentence, Paris Hilton has been let out of jail. When asked about it, Paris said, 'Usually I'm not a fan of premature release.'" --Conan O'Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

I say their silence speaks volumes (MC's baby was sleeping in the next room)

"One of the key battlegrounds in our gay culture war is actually key battlegrounds. I'm talking about gays in the military. The 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy has thrown our armed forces into chaos in the middle of a war on terror. 

We cannot waiver on this issue, folks, and thank God none of the Republicans did in their recent presidential debate [on screen: none of the GOP WH '08ers raising their hand when asked if gays and lesbians should be allowed to serve openly in the military]. 

I say their silence speaks volumes. Plus, they kind of had to keep it down because Mary Cheney's baby was sleeping in the next room." --Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-

collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Father! Father, come. The bucket is a chair (people who should be paying more)

Meanwhile, here on Earth, the House passed the GOP-backed tax plan today, which is very good news for billionaires and also just your average run-of-the mill millionaires too. The bill would shift the tax burden from the wealthy to people who really should be paying more, like college students. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump met with Republican lawmakers in the basement of the Capitol today just before they voted on the new tax reform bill, and nobody was more excited to see them down there than Eric. “Welcome to my basement, Father! Father, come. The bucket is a chair.” –Seth Meyers

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I would have been there, but Jesus needed me (Raptured out of there)

"A new poll of Democratic voters in Iowa has found that senior citizens prefer Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately for Hillary, the seniors still rank her third behind apple sauce and creamed spinach." --Conan O'Brien

"Let's turn to the 2008 election. As you know, if you are a minority or an interest group, the Democrats will hold a debate at your house, whereas Republicans take a slightly different approach. They have a big tent, you're just not allowed in it. Their candidates have already skipped forums with gays, Hispanics and bloggers, leaving Perez Hilton 0 for 3. But did you know they'll even blow off their own base? Last month, the four GOP frontrunners did not show at a debate sponsored by Evangelical Christians. There you see the podiums where Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson,  John McCain and Mitt Romney either never showed up or were Raptured out of. I would have been there, but Jesus needed me." --Jon Stewart

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Bill Murray knows it's Monday, but... (You're Awesome)

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service

"The Arizona legislature passed a bill that would allow business owners asserting their religious beliefs to deny service to gay customers. Some businesses have already put up signs that read: 'Nice shirt, nice shoes, no service.'" –Seth Meyers



"A Florida man is running for Congress as a write-in candidate at the age of 101. He has a good chance of appealing to younger voters since that's all there is." –Seth Meyers



"The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse." –Jimmy Fallon



How am I supposed to make my meth?

"Mitt Romney gave a commencement speech where he advised graduates to start a family before they turn 30. He also advised them to pay for it by inheriting millions of dollars." –Conan O'Brien



"So they're handing out hussy pills to 15-year-old girls like Chicklets, but I still need to show my passport and provide a DNA sample to buy some damned Sudafed. How am I supposed to make my meth?" –Stephen Colbert



"It's been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It's like being married to a Kardashian." –David Letterman

Do-nothing something...

"We all know that if you look up Congress in the dictionary it says, ‘Do-nothing f**ktards who couldn’t solve a problem if it was eating them alive anus first." –Jon Stewart

"There's now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you're ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty." –Jay Leno

"Conservatives like me know that in a budget crisis, everything nonessential has to go -- whether it's food for kids who aren't mine or some other stuff for people I don't know." –Stephen Colbert 

The first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore

"Washington Wizards center Jason Collins just came out of the closet, making him the first pro athlete in a major sport to be openly gay – while the first openly gay wizard is still Dumbledore." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016." –Jay Leno



"Dick Cheney was there, and the New York Times said he looked physically revitalized. So if you find any dead animals on your porch who have been completely drained of blood, you know why that happened." –Bill Maher



Enough? How about at least one too many.

"I kid Texas, but the last person in that state to get near a schoolbook was Lee Harvey Oswald." –Bill Maher



"They asked Barbara Bush, the matriarch of the family, whether Jeb Bush should run for president, and she said, 'We've had enough Bushes.' Enough? How about at least one too many." –Bill Maher



"It's not just a library, it's a museum. The exhibits are breathtaking. There's a map of the world dartboard which Bush used to decide who to invade after 9/11; there's the pants he peed in when he was told we were under attack; the pretzel he forgot to chew that made him pass out. And there's a weapons of mass destruction pavilion, but no one can find it." –Bill Maher
 

I guess that's better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater

"It's basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions." –Jon Stewart on the Bush Presidential Library



"I guess that's better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater." –Jon Stewart on the "Decision Points Theater" exhibit at the Bush Presidential Library

"In President Bush's high school yearbook, he was voted least likely to have a library named after him." –Jay Leno



"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was in Texas today for the dedication of George W. Bush's presidential library. The library is already done, but they brought in Christie for a second ground breaking." –Jimmy Fallon 

But nobody can find it..

"These brothers killed a young policeman, carjacked an SUV, ending with a high-speed chase and a firefight in which Tamerlan was mortally wounded, ending his life as all Islamic terrorists dream: at Beth Israel Hospital." –Stephen Colbert on the Boston Marathon bombers



"I mean, at the end of this man's presidency, even as my fellow conservatives were abandoning George Bush like rats on a sinking ship on a crash course with Cat Island, I remained faithful, and I'm sure he knows that from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized." –Stephen Colbert

"The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it." –David Letterman



I think he's in the shallow end

"These are two bombers – they are two brothers, ethnic Chechens, which is in southern Russia – who came to the U.S. from the country of Kyrgyzstan, which is in central Asia. And today George W. Bush vowed revenge and called for an immediate invasion of Puerto Rico." –Bill Maher on the Boston bombers

"Down in Texas Thursday is the opening of the George Bush Presidential Library and Think Tank. I think he's in the shallow end." –Jay Leno



"Senator John McCain went on TV this week to call Kim Jong-Un a clown and a fool. As you know, according to John McCain, that would still make him eligible to be vice president." –Jay Leno



Hey, wouldn't it be cool if your cooch had a gun in it?

"Congressman Jeff Duncan today said background checks could lead to a national gun database, which would lead to genocide like in Rwanda when the Hutus slaughtered the Tutsis. See, this is why we should not get our hopes up for a gun control bill. It's like talking about fire safety with a pyromaniac." –Bill Maher



"Street corner crazies are now in Congress. Listen to this one. Congressman Steve Stockman tweeted his new slogan: 'If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted.' What a great way for Republicans to win back women: 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if your cooch had a gun in it?" –Bill Maher 

"These people are mental. Congressman Joe Barton of Texas used Noah's Ark as evidence that global warming doesn't' exist. He said, 'If you're a believer in the Bible, one would have to say the Great Flood is an example of climate change and that certainly wasn't because mankind had overdeveloped hydrocarbon energy.' Can we forget Noah? This guy needs to start collecting two of every chromosome." –Bill Maher 

Unless it keeps black people from voting..

"John Boehner said today he wants to take away North Korea's missiles, but he won't because that's a slippery slope from there to gun control." –Bill Maher



"Republicans did not have the votes for a filibuster, so there will be a debate about the gun bill. And given the recent rash of gun violence, Republicans said it was the least they could do. Literally, they had a meeting and said, 'What is the least we can do?'" –Bill Maher



"Sixty eight senators want to move forward on background checks, and 31 – all of them Republicans – say no, that is the death of freedom. They are sticking with the principle that asking for any kind of ID would be a horrible violation of the Constitution, unless it keeps black people from voting. Then, it is a fantastic idea." –Bill Maher