If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes (Hypocrisy Cove)

Wealthy GOP donors are now lining up behind Marco Rubio. Not because the donors think he can stop Trump, but because they think Rubio is the valet. –Conan O’Brien

The latest polls show Donald Trump beating Marco Rubio in Rubio’s home state of Florida by 16 points. To win back Florida voters, Rubio has started doing meth. –Conan O’Brien

At the White House today, President Trump gave advice to a group of schoolchildren and he told them to “work hard.” Trump also told them, “If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes.” –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that Donald Trump, despite his anti-immigration stance, hired over 500 foreign workers at his Florida resort. In fairness, the resort is called "Hypocrisy Cove." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the kid did manage to hit 19 houses in under two minutes (the robot thinks it’s God)

​​A robot has been taught how to write rap songs by being fed more than 6,000 Kanye West lyrics. The problem is, now the robot thinks it’s God. –Conan O’Brien

In Wisconsin, a child’s trick-or-treat bag was found to contain meth. On the plus side, the kid did manage to hit 19 houses in under two minutes. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, Amazon Prime is even better than we thought (Geezerville and Methylvania)

"Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. Yeah, the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania." –Jimmy Fallon

A couple in Orlando who ordered plastic storage bins on Amazon got a delivery filled with 65 pounds of weed. They were like, “Wow, Amazon Prime is even better than we thought.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

an extra two million pounds of soybeans (420-mile markers)

The Idaho Department of Transportation has gotten rid of its 420-mile marker because stoners kept stealing it. The government is replacing the 420 signs with signs that read "Mile 419.9." They're going to be so upset when they realize that "419.9" is street slang for crystal meth. –James Corden

“China is no longer buying from American farmers, so be sure to do your part to help out. At the farmer’s market this weekend, pick up a couple of extra tomatoes and maybe an extra two million pounds of soybeans.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Police are describing the man as "armed and consistent." (the No. 1 threat to America)

In Florida, a man crashed his car, was found to be in possession of meth, then tried to flee the accident to get more meth. Police are describing the man as "armed and consistent." --Conan O’Brien

"A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone." –Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania (Wow, Amazon Prime is even better than we thought)

"Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. Yeah, the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania." –Jimmy Fallon

A couple in Orlando who ordered plastic storage bins on Amazon got a delivery filled with 65 pounds of weed. They were like, “Wow, Amazon Prime is even better than we thought.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What are you if not a villain? (they treated him for exhaustion, malnutrition, and not taking a hint)

A Dutch man flew to China to meet a woman that he'd met on the internet, and when she didn't show up, he just waited for her in the airport for 10 days. He actually got sick and had to go to the hospital. And they treated him for exhaustion, malnutrition, and not taking a hint. –James Corden

The Idaho Department of Transportation has gotten rid of its 420-mile marker because stoners kept stealing it. The government is replacing the 420 signs with signs that read "Mile 419.9." They're going to be so upset when they realize that "419.9" is street slang for crystal meth. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's about keeping those ants in line (You know, I’m good up here)

U.S. astronaut Scott Kelly is about to return to Earth after spending an entire year in space. Then he saw Donald Trump’s poll numbers and said, "You know, I’m good up here." –Conan O’Brien

President Obama said that his very first job was scooping ice cream. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, "I thought he looked familiar." –Conan O’Brien

The latest polls show Donald Trump beating Marco Rubio in Rubio’s home state of Florida by 16 points. To win back Florida voters, Rubio has started doing meth. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m not going to lie — the merman emoji is going to save me a ton of time (Just push through it)

Facebook and Instagram were down for 14 hours yesterday. So I was forced to look at Twitter. Going on Twitter because Facebook and Instagram are down is a bit like running out of beer and wine and going, “Probably time to try Meth.” --James Corden

A new study has just been released where food researchers have found that one-third of all foods Americans eat gives them something called “food guilt.” Food guilt is the regret you feel when you eat food that you know isn’t good for you. Now take it from me, here is the key. Just push through it. Just push through it. --James Corden

Now on to some very, very incredibly important news tonight: There is a new set of emojis. They’re going to be released to smartphones in June. This new set will include a hedgehog, a puking face, a brain, and a merman. I’m not going to lie — the merman emoji is going to save me a ton of time. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What could possibly go wrong? (Spotted Dick’s Custard Explosion)

“Last weekend in Glasgow, a Willy Wonka-inspired experience was brought to a halt following complaints it was ‘an absolute shambles of an event’ after families traveled from all over, paying $40 a ticket for an ‘exhilarating and immersive adventure’ called Willy’s Chocolate Experience. Still better than the English attraction: Spotted Dick’s Custard Explosion.” —Stephen Colbert

“But when people showed up, they found something very different from what they found on the website. What they found was basically a big empty warehouse with vinyl backdrops tacked to the wall. They got to see Willy Wonka’s famous portable power generator, and they got to meet what appears to be a meth lab Oompa Loompa.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Parents were very upset. They called the police on the place. I have to say, though, honestly, I feel like the kids learned an important lesson about how disappointing the rest of their lives are going to be.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Florida’s most serious crime (the Sea Biscuit biscuit)

In Florida, a naked man was arrested for driving 110 mph while drunk. He was charged with Florida’s most serious crime, "not being on meth." –Conan O’Brien

A fraternity at Hofstra University is in trouble for a hazing ritual that included putting hot sauce on a pledge’s genitals. The hot sauce was so hot that the guy is now pledging to a sorority. –Conan O’Brien

"Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald's unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, Amazon Prime is even better than we thought (Geezerville and Methylvania)

"Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. Yeah, the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania." –Jimmy Fallon

A couple in Orlando who ordered plastic storage bins on Amazon got a delivery filled with 65 pounds of weed. They were like, “Wow, Amazon Prime is even better than we thought.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Take all the time you need. Make 100 stops! See the sights! (420-mile marker)

Donald Trump went on to say that he will be going on the road and making 50 campaign stops, but he has "no problem with that." You know who else doesn't have a problem with that? Melania. "Go, go. Take all the time you need. Make 100 stops! See the sights!" --James Corden

The Idaho Department of Transportation has gotten rid of its 420-mile marker because stoners kept stealing it. The government is replacing the 420 signs with signs that read "Mile 419.9." They're going to be so upset when they realize that "419.9" is street slang for crystal meth. –James Corden

“Donald Trump is supposed to be consoling people in a hospital, and I think we all know nothing says ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ quite like the double thumbs up.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No matter what your job is, always try and make it interesting (it puts me right out)

According to a new survey, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are tied in Florida. Hillary is winning with Jews and Hispanics, and Trump is winning with meth and bath-salt dealers. –Conan O’Brien

In an upcoming interview with Fox News' Megyn Kelly, Donald Trump tells her that although they’ve reconciled their feud, "this could happen again." Especially if Megyn Kelly continues to stubbornly insist on being a woman. –Conan O’Brien

"Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, 'When I can't sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for president and it puts me right out.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Answering the question: what would happen if meth smoked itself? (He was two seconds away from pretending he doesn’t speak English)

“The only story that everybody’s talking about right now is Tiger King, the new Netflix series that’s somehow even more viral than Covid-19. The five-hour docu-series taking over conversations across America is the most fascinating show you’ve ever seen. It exposes the sordid and loopy world of exotic animal breeding in America, while also answering the question: what would happen if meth smoked itself?” —Trevor Noah

“Now, these protests have clearly been infused with far-right ideology. Many demonstrators wore MAGA hats, they held up anti-Semitic signs and in Michigan, they even waved Confederate flags, a clear symbol of Michigan’s proud Southern heritage.” — Trevor Noah

“At his press conference Trump played footage from Monday’s press conference but he refused to address what was achieved in February. It was a masterclass in dodging the question. He was two seconds away from pretending he doesn’t speak English.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's a porn star named "Back Taxes." (armed and consistent)

As of this month, Michael Cohen reportedly now owes $280,000 to back taxes. Isn't that incredible? There's a porn star named "Back Taxes." --Conan O’Brien

In Florida, a man crashed his car, was found to be in possession of meth, then tried to flee the accident to get more meth. Police are describing the man as "armed and consistent." --Conan O’Brien

Yale University has taken back the honorary degree it gave Bill Cosby. It’s particularly embarrassing because it was a Ph.D. in chemistry. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And those are just the ones I had a dream about last night (Behold! The Invisible Woman!)

Donald Trump has been pandering like this wherever he goes. In New York, he said pizza is the best. In Portland, he said gluten is the devil's handiwork. And in Florida, he said nothing beats doing meth in a Walmart parking lot. –James Corden

Celebrities can't move to Canada, that's not how this works. All of America's best celebrities come from Canada. Ryan Gosling? Canadian. Justin Bieber? Canadian. Ryan Reynolds? Canadian. And those are just the ones I had a dream about last night. –James Corden

But it makes sense that Trump tells the most fibs of any president — even the color of his skin is a lie. –James Corden

This morning, President Trump made a special phone call to his favorite television program, "Fox & Friends." Trump and the hosts talked about lots of things, and at one point, he was asked to grade his presidency. Take a look at what he said. [Trump clip] “I would give myself an A-plus.” An A-plus! From where — Trump University? --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Buy two and the next one is Free Willy (Just Kidding)

We here at "Late Night" have a lot of expenses, and to cover the cost, we have taken on some pretty, well, terrible sponsors, sponsors we aren't very proud of, sponsors I'm ashamed that we took money from. But because we did take their money, we now have to mention them on the air. So, apologies in advance, but tonight, "Late Night" is brought to you by salted Band-Aids. The Band-Aids with a little dash of salt. Forget about your paper cut and focus on how bad this Band-Aid feels. Also available in lemon juice. Next up, vape clarinets. Looking to combine the two things high schoolers find coolest? Try vape clarinets. Vape clarinets -- get addicted to jazz. We're also sponsored by whale jerky. We believe whales should be a protected species, but should one dead one wash up onshore, we will make jerky out of it. Buy two and the next one is Free Willy. --Seth Meyers

President Trump last night threatened to close the U.S.-Mexico border, adding, quote, "Our country is full." Really? Because it sure didn't look that way at your inauguration. --Seth Meyers

That's right, a dog tested positive for methamphetamine after a walk in a nearby park. When asked what breed it was, the owner said, "A meth lab." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which explains why Goofy is missing all but two teeth (Do Not Resuscitate)

Mark Zuckerberg completed day two of his congressional testimony about security breaches. Things got a little tense when Zuckerberg referred to each senator by their PIN number. --Conan O’Brien

DEA officials have seized 500 pounds of meth concealed inside Disney figurines, which explains why Goofy is missing all but two teeth. --Conan O’Brien

A 104-year-old man just became the oldest person in the world to get a first tattoo. The tattoo says, "Do Not Resuscitate." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”