it would just be easier to just get their president to put some pants on (Hello Beautiful)

China reportedly scrubbed the images of Winnie the Pooh from

social media over the weekend, after users compared the

character to their president. Though it seems like it would just

be easier to just get their president to put some pants on.

–Seth Meyers

Dunkin' Donuts is partnering with Harpoon Brewery to release a coffee-infused beer. Not to be outdone, Four Loko is now partnering with heroin. --Seth Meyers

According to a new nationwide poll, Donald Trump now leads all other Republican presidential candidates. But come on, if we elect him you know he’ll just leave us for a younger country. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there was more people at my D.U.I. trial (You’re welcome, again)

President Trump celebrated America’s 250th birthday in Washington on Saturday along with a scattered crowd at the National Mall. I am going to be real honest with you — there was more people at my D.U.I. trial. — Tiffany Haddish

“Trump was forced to delay his Fourth of July speech due to the hot and stormy weather. In fact, some MAGA fans had to seek shelter in the African-American history museum. You’re welcome, again.” — Tiffany Haddish

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We totally caught ourselves by surprise (all of them orange)

“But meanwhile, this U.S. exit from Syria was so sudden and hasty, we actually had to bomb one of our own bases to destroy the ammunition that was left behind. Thanks to Donald Trump, our genius commander in chief, the U.S. military is now bombing itself. And it was a success, too. We totally caught ourselves by surprise.” --Jimmy Kimmel

A calcium score over 100 indicates a high risk of heart attack or heart disease within three to five years. Trump’s number is 133, but his doctor says he’s in excellent health. Claims he passed a cognitive test with flying colors — all of them orange. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is perfect for any refugees who are seeking asylum and maybe a Slim Jim (It’s pride of ownership. It’s his baby!)

Today Donald Trump chose Rex Tillerson, Exxon Mobil CEO, as his secretary of state. I assume from now on, all gas stations are official U.S. embassies, which is perfect for any refugees who are seeking asylum and maybe a Slim Jim. –Stephen Colbert

Rex Tillerson is an interesting pick. For one thing, he’s an oil man who believes in climate change. Well, of course he believes in it! He’s from Exxon — he INVENTED it. It’s pride of ownership. It’s his baby! –Stephen Colbert

This morning, the president-elect met at Trump Tower with Kanye West. You can tell it was a high-powered meeting because Kanye wore his formal sweat suit. Obviously, it’s a security risk gathering the two most powerful American narcissists in the same room. Just for security reasons, they had to keep Shia LeBeouf in an undisclosed location for continuity of government. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What about us? said the Detroit Pistons (under the table)

A powerful 5.0 magnitude earthquake struck the city of Tupan, China. Even though the epicenter was 7,000 miles away, Bill Clinton still told the Hooters's waitress to get under the table. —Greg Gutfeld

In an interview, Madonna said that John Kennedy Jr. was the best sex of her life. "What about us?" said the Detroit Pistons. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now I know what it’s like to date Ted Kennedy (girl's night out)

In Beverly Hills this week, Michelle Obama had a girls night out with daughters Malia and Sasha. It's a switch. Usually when Michelle enjoys a girl's night out, it's with Barack. —Greg Gutfeld

Waymos has recalled nearly 4,000 robotaxis because of a glitch that caused the cars to drive into water. Soaked passengers say, "Now I know what it’s like to date Ted Kennedy.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

it’s never a good sign when your shoes have a muffin top (30,000 times in the Nice Guy files)

President Trump continued to flail without a strategy on Monday, after he again took to Truth Social to write: “We’re offering a very fair and reasonable DEAL, and I hope they take it because, if they don’t, the United States is going to knock out every single Power Plant, and every single Bridge, in Iran. NO MORE MR NICE GUY!” Yes, it’s important that he said that, because up until now, Trump’s been known as Mr Nice Guy. In fact, he’s mentioned over 30,000 times in the Nice Guy files. —Stephen Colbert

We’re in week eight of the Iran war, and as of tonight it is unclear if US-Iran peace talks will happen one day before Trump’s ultimatum expires. The talks were supposed to begin on Tuesday in Islamabad, Pakistan, but based on what we know now, it doesn’t look Islama-good, because on Tuesday afternoon US negotiators delayed their trip, and Trump announced that he was indefinitely extending the ceasefire. The president claimed he was not worried about the deal, posting on his Truth Social platform: “I read the Fake News saying that I am under ‘pressure’ to make a Deal. THIS IS NOT TRUE! I am under no pressure whatsoever, although it will all happen, relatively quickly! Time is not my adversary.” Oh yeah? Have you taken a gander at your ankles lately? Because it’s never a good sign when your shoes have a muffin top. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The first problem I see is his hands are normal size (just to get Epstein back in the news again)

There is an AI-generated image that depicts Trump as Jesus. The first problem I see is his hands are normal size. That’s not realistic. —Jimmy Kimmel    

“This little detour into messiah status did not get Trump the reaction he was hoping for from the Christian community. Overall, they’re not on board with the whole false idols thing. And a lot of people were upset. So Trump or his team deleted the post, which is notable because his account almost never deletes his crazy posts. Last week, when he threatened to kill a civilization, that’s still up. The Jesus post is down. So you know this one was trouble. Which is perhaps why Trump tried to claim, to a White House reporter, that the image actually depicted him as a doctor trying to heal someone. This is why, on top of being reckless and a liar and just ridiculous in general, Trump is also a coward. I don’t know which is more offensive, how dumb he is, or how dumb he thinks we are.” —Jimmy Kimmel    

“This war is going so poorly for Trump, he may need Melania to hold another surprise press conference just to get Epstein back in the news again. --Jimmy Kimmel    

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”

If you want to know who the bad guys are (loose lips)

There are concerns that soldiers have leaked secret battle plans to strippers. Well, you know what they say, loose lips. —Greg Gutfeld

A bottle of wine from 1945 sold for a record-breaking $812,000. “Wait, wine comes in a bottle?,” asked Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That was all me (NOPE)

I have lived in Los Angeles for one year, and in that time Los Angeles has regained an NFL team, it started raining again after three years of drought, and they opened the city's first Dunkin' Donuts. Now look, I can't take credit for all of those, but I'm definitely taking credit for that Dunkin' Donuts. That was all me. –James Corden

And finally some French news, or as they call it in France, News. The first restaurant in Paris created exclusively for naked diners has announced it’s closing due to a lack of customers. It’s a shame. Is this a shock to anyone? Scalding hot soup and no pants do not mix. They obviously had some problems. It’s the first time in history that a health inspector has ever issued a rating of “NOPE.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the first papal decree in history to be named after a Marvin Gaye album (I’ve looked into it)

Pope Francis is launching a campaign he calls the "Revolution of Tenderness." It’s the first papal decree in history to be named after a Marvin Gaye album. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is making his son-in-law Jared Kushner a senior adviser to the Presidency. Today, Trump said, "I’ve looked into it and nothing’s ever gone wrong with a guy named Jared." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s was like a whole stadium full of Melanias (This was such a big cave by the Democrats that Bruce Wayne offered to buy it)

“The democrats are caving on the government shutdown. This was such a big cave by the Democrats that Bruce Wayne offered to buy it.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“President Trump got booed while attending the Washington Commanders football game. Do you think he can hear the boos or does the narcissism force field block it all out?” — Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s was like a whole stadium full of Melanias.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Pretty sure they just want internet censorship (when the warranty on her face runs out)

 The ongoing government shutdown means TSA employees haven't been paid in 36 days. Yeah. So now they're just groping you for tips. —Greg Gutfeld   

Nancy Pelosi announced she will not seek re-election to Congress in 2026, which which coincidentally is when the warranty on her face runs out. —Greg Gutfeld 

Nancy Pelosi announced she wouldn't seek reelection, saying the Democrats need new blood. That was before adding that she also needs new blood. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

One small silencing at a time (Release the Epstein files)

“At this point, finding a toenail in your salad has a seven-point lead over Donald Trump.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“If he’s looking to improve his approval numbers, I have an idea: Release the Epstein files.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“If the government shutdown lasts much longer soon when we fly we will have the same number of air traffic controllers the Wright brothers had.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s what GoFundMe is for (cross it deliberately)

The U.S. government shutdown for the first time since 2018 on Wednesday. I thought the worst thing that could happen this week was when Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban broke up. If two hot Australians with the same face can’t make it work, then what hope is there for the rest of us?” — Ronny Chieng

“Look, this is the classic dispute between the parties. Democrats say that the government should help pay for health care, and Republicans say, ‘That’s what GoFundMe is for.’” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

97 cars in the Chicago River (she was sitting in row 44 DD)

A Playboy model claims that an American Airlines flight attendant forced her to button up during a flight due to her big boobs. In her defense, though, she was sitting in row 44 DD. —Greg Gutfeld

A dive team trying to solve a cold case about a missing couple found a whopping 97 cars in the Chicago River. They're now trying to identify the 97 female drivers. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us? (We're here to talk to you about your tweets)

"The European Space Agency landed a probe on a comet 317 million miles from Earth. When you get discouraged by how much attention people pay to Kim Kardashian's buttocks, remember that there are also people out there that know how to land a spacecraft on a moving comet 317 million miles away. They're out there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today was day 10 of the government shutdown. At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us?" –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm willing to bet you guys all had free healthcare (writing a great concession speech)

This week Kamala Harris will give her first public remarks since leaving office in January, and to prepare she’s been working with two new speech writers named Grey and Goose. —Greg Gutfeld

Kamala Harris will be speaking at an event that trains women to run for office as Democrats. According to Kamala step one is writing a great concession speech. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How would you like to pay for that? (the dignity that he one day hopes to have)

“According to a new study, human waste contains gold and other special minerals. In the future this could make things awkward when a cashier asks, "How would you like to pay for that?"—Conan O’Brien

While campaigning in Wisconsin, Ted Cruz refused to wear the traditional Wisconsin "Cheesehead." Ted Cruz said the Cheesehead would compromise the dignity that he one day hopes to have. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

just knowing you have 14 or 15 of them out there somewhere (Absolute dead last)

“There was an irreconcilable contradiction between Trump’s two big campaign promises, imposing tariffs and bringing down costs. And now we know which one of those promises was real and which one was bullshit. Spoiler alert: the bad one was real and the good one was bullshit.” —Seth Meyers

And at a rally in Wisconsin, Elon Musk encouraged people to have children because the birth rate is declining, and said that having kids “will make you feel happy”. At least, the idea of them will. You know, just knowing you have 14 or 15 of them out there somewhere, it really warms your heart. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”