I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses (after years of touching Canada)

"Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses." --Craig Ferguson

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson, May 2009

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is a bad look (That’s just Mitch McConnell saying hello)

President Trump attended the World Cup final on Sunday, where he was booed by the crowd as he walked onto the field to take part in the medal ceremony and trophy presentation. At this point, I’m guessing Trump’s staff tries to make him feel better by telling him he’s just being followed around by ghosts: ‘Mr. President, remember, no one’s booing you. That’s just Mitch McConnell saying hello.’ — Seth Meyers

“Trump’s sports curse strikes again. He goes to the N.B.A. finals, the Knicks lose. He intervenes to get a red card overturned, U.S.A. loses. He says you can’t bet against Messi, Argentina loses. He owned a U.S.F.L. team, and the whole [expletive] league folded. He’s a sports reaper.” — Seth Meyers

“A video has gained attention online that appears to show FIFA President Gianni Infantino attempting to move President Trump away from the Spanish national soccer team so they could lift the World Cup trophy without him. In Trump’s defense, that thing’s solid gold. That’s like trying to move Gollum away from the Ring. The head of the most corrupt organization on Earth was, like, ‘This is a bad look.’” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

husbands and boyfriends were already gone (penalty kicks)

President Trump’s approval rating is at just 36 percent, which is even lower than Obama’s ever was. The only time Obama came close to that was when he had that meeting with Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he blames the first three breakups on Obama (outsourcing mistresses)

"Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend. This is actually his fourth marriage; he blames the first three breakups on Obama." –Craig Ferguson

"It's been a bit of a week for the Supreme Court. Yesterday they ruled that it's okay for gay people to get married. Today, they ruled it's okay for straight people to rollerblade." –Craig Ferguson

"Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses." --Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

where he'll fit right in (Isn't that called New Jersey?)

"An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn't that called New Jersey?" –Jay Leno

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, he’s Vincent van Going-to-jail with real estate, is what he is (She runs, jumped into his arms, and then he ran her back 57 yards for a touchdown)

Taylor Swift and football star Travis Kelce were reunited after her concert in Buenos Aires, Argentina, over the weekend. These two – I mean, she is on tour around the world and still makes it to his games on Sundays, he’s in the middle of a football season and is flying to Buenos Aires. They’re making it very hard for every other couple that’s in a long-distance relationship right now – ‘Oh, you can’t make it to my mom’s house for Thanksgiving this year? Travis flew to Singapore for Taylor!’ —Jimmy Kimmel

“And then after the show, she comes offstage, and he’s there. She runs, jumped into his arms, and then he ran her back 57 yards for a touchdown. It was incredible.” — Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump Jr. walked into the New York courthouse for his father’s civil fraud trial to chants of “crime family!” And that is basically what these people are – a crime family. A very dumb crime family. The Gambozos, if you will. —Jimmy Kimmel

Don Jr is so embarrassing. He’s on the stand, he’s testifying in this $250m fraud trial and he has to compliment his father, an ‘artist’ with real estate. Yeah, he’s Vincent van Going-to-jail with real estate, is what he is. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses (Dracula's hot tub)

"Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm sorry the show is on later than usual. It was delayed by the president's speech about the gulf oil spill. President Obama has been criticized for not doing enough. To be fair, he's been using every strategy in the book. Unfortunately, it's the same book President Bush used for Katrina." –Craig Ferguson

"Rumors are that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are going to film a reality show. Sarah Palin says she can't wait to start shooting, but that's totally unrelated." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Almost 100 in Upside Down world (Fake News Network)

"Yesterday was the big World Cup final between Germany and Argentina. And if you caught only the last couple of minutes of the game, don't worry – you saw the whole thing." –Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, it came out that President Trump’s approval rating is at 36 percent. But Trump defended the number, saying that it was “almost 40.” Then he said, “And if you read 36 upside down, it looks like 93, which is almost 100. So I’m doing amazing. Almost 100 in Upside Down world.” –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that President Trump retweeted a 16-year-old who posted a photo calling CNN the "Fake News Network." When asked what it's like to have a child follow you on Twitter, the 16-year-old said, "Pretty cool!" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z (You're not invited)

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is saying she still hasn’t been invited to the Republican National Convention next month. The RNC says it’s all a misunderstanding — as in, Palin misunderstands the meaning of the phrase, 'You're not invited.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the season premiere of “Game of Thrones.” No spoilers! But HBO’s streaming site crashed during the episode. That’s how crazy this show has gotten: They are killing off websites now. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Stop glorifying your oppressors (Chrysler Mountain)

In Argentina, an entire trove of Nazi artifacts has been found hidden in a house. You can see the whole thing on the new reality show, “Nazi Hoarders.” –Conan O’Brien

House Speaker Paul Ryan has unveiled a Republican alternative to Obamacare. It’s called "Dying at 50." –Conan O’Brien

"Tough times all over. Amusement park company Six Flags is filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Experts say it's due in large part to their money-losing ride, Chrysler Mountain." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses (he'll fit right in)

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

"CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses." –Jay Leno

"You people sound like you're all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piñatas should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if you caught only the last couple of minutes of the game, don't worry – you saw the whole thing (Have you tried Viagra?)

July 2014

"Yesterday was the big World Cup final between Germany and Argentina. And if you caught only the last couple of minutes of the game, don't worry – you saw the whole thing." –Jimmy Fallon

"The World Cup is finally over. In other words, bars are about to start showing sports that make sense again." –Jimmy Fallon

"During yesterday's World Cup final, a guy ran onto the field with the phrase 'natural born prankster' written on his chest — because nothing says good clean fun like spending the night in a Brazilian prison." –Jimmy Fallon

"While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba's oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba's always having to revive: Fidel Castro." –Jimmy Fallon 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I will just keep staring at you until you do the thing I want (natural born prankster)

"During yesterday's World Cup final, a guy ran onto the field with the phrase 'natural born prankster' written on his chest — because nothing says good clean fun like spending the night in a Brazilian prison." –Jimmy Fallon

"While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba's oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba's always having to revive: Fidel Castro." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday was the big World Cup final between Germany and Argentina. And if you caught only the last couple of minutes of the game, don't worry – you saw the whole thing." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Best I can do is a cop or a warmonger (Moneybags McPantsuit)

Last night President Trump returned home from his trip to Finland. Trump walked into the White House and immediately texted Putin that he got home safe. --Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders gave a 23-minute speech at a conference last week after he endorsed Hillary Clinton, but he didn’t mention her by name. Though people had a pretty good idea who he was referring to when he mentioned “Moneybags McPantsuit.” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z (And if you don't know who to root for...)

July 2014

"Today, our show got nominated for six Emmy Awards! And if we win for best show, I promised to give the Emmy to my parents. And if we win for best writing, I promised to give the Emmy to Rob Ford. He wrote half our monologues." –Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"Argentina beat Holland in the World Cup semifinals yesterday and now Argentina will face Germany in the World Cup Finals. Argentina versus Germany. And if you don't know who to root for, imagine how elderly Nazis feel." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's easy to spot: it was the one with the balloons hanging over it (George Bush, the other way around)

Happy birthday to Ed Lowe, the man who invented Kitty Litter. Here's what I admire about Ed Lowe. Here was a guy who was thinking inside the box.—David Letterman

"Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations, you have a brand new senator, our old friend, Al Franken. Al is an interesting guy. Went from being a comedian to a politician. George Bush, the other way around." --David Letterman

"But Governor Mark Sanford didn't really enjoy this year's Fourth of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina." --David Letterman

"The convention kicked off with a big mixer for Republican delegates in Senator Larry Craig's airport restroom stall. Easy to spot: it was the one with the balloons hanging over it." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will (I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses)

"Starting today, there is a huge rock festival in England. It is called Glastonbury. These days, every country has its own music festival. England has Glastonbury. Here, we have Lollapalooza and Coachella. In North Korea, they have the Kim Jong Ill-ith Fair." –Craig Ferguson

"Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses." --Craig Ferguson

"Italy was eliminated from the World Cup. Italians were running through the streets waving their hands around, screaming at each other. Then they heard about the World Cup." –Craig Ferguson

"It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We're still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn't win. If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump’s shortlist includes anyone from the cast of Entourage. (N*zi Hoarders)

Hillary Clinton’s shortlist for running mate includes Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Sen. Tim Kaine, and HUD Secretary Julian Castro. Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s shortlist includes "anyone from the cast of 'Entourage.'" –Conan O’Brien

In Argentina, an entire trove of Nazi artifacts has been found hidden in a house. You can see the whole thing on the new reality show, “Nazi Hoarders.” –Conan O’Brien

"The Christmas-themed town of North Pole, Alaska, has officially approved marijuana dispensaries. So don't expect your presents from Santa until next April." –Conan O'Brien

House Speaker Paul Ryan has unveiled a Republican alternative to Obamacare. It’s called "Dying at 50." –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses (Sleep with one eye open, dear)

"CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren't any witnesses." –Jay Leno

"And a Georgia man is recovering in Pittsburgh after becoming the first U.S. recipient of a double hand transplant. Got two hands transplanted from another guy. He used them for the first time today to grab his heart when he saw the bill." --Jay Leno

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

"In what has become standard procedure in these kind of situations, police conducted a room-by-room search of the Capitol building. That's just what congressmen want to hear this week -- a knock at the door and it's the police. They were flushing bribe money down the toilet. Ted Kennedy was out on the ledge naked." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Right now every divorced guy is saying, 'I could have been Pope.' (Whose though?)

March 2013

"As you know, we have a new Pope. He is Pope Francis of Argentina. He is a 76-year-old man with only one lung. This could be just the burst of youth and vitality the Catholic Church needs." –Jay Leno

"The new Pope had part of a lung removed when he was a teenager. I knew those Catholic school nuns were really mean, but I had no idea." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was the runner-up to Pope Benedict in the last election. And this time he got elected. You know what that means? There's still hope for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina. He gave up all his worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment. He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now every divorced guy is saying, 'I could have been Pope.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”