How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship? (urine samples)

In "Extant" Halle Berry plays an astronaut who mysteriously winds up pregnant after a space mission. The series will answer the question: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?—Craig Ferguson

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Police say they have nothing to go on (Well, I'm definitely not getting laid)

There was a horrible accident in Arkansas when a portable toilet fell off a truck on the highway. Police say they have nothing to go on. —Greg Gutfeld 

A 21-year-old man reclaimed a Guinness World Record by solving a Rubik's Cube in 11 seconds while blindfolded. When asked how he planned to celebrate, he said, "Well, I'm definitely not getting laid.” —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Maybe it's the one obsessed with ballrooms and the Village People (Get Custody Back)

President Trump met with the Artemis II astronauts in the Oval Office and told them, "I like space,” which is actually a direct quote from Melania's wedding vows. —Michael Che

Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said she thinks it's possible America has already had a gay president. And here's a guess. Maybe it's the one obsessed with ballrooms and the Village People. —Michael Che

Coors Light announced the launch of their first non-alcoholic beer, Coors 0.0%. And I love their new slogan. “Coors 0.0. Get Custody Back.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

catcalling the entire planet (as predicted in the Book of Revelations)

After reaching orbit, Artemis II astronaut Victor Glover sent a message back to Earth saying, "Trust us. You look amazing. You look beautiful.” Yeah, leave it to the Black astronaut to catcall the entire planet. —Michael Che

President Trump posted plans for his presidential library in Miami, which would be a massive golden skyscraper with a golden escalator and a golden statue of Trump, as predicted in the Book of Revelations. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

slide a menu under the door (they had ordered bacon instead of sausage)

Three Chinese astronauts were stranded on a space station. A fourth astronaut finally arrived just to slide a menu under the door. —Greg Gutfeld

In Pittsburgh, a Denny's employee exposed himself in front of a group of women diners who were horrified since they had ordered bacon instead of sausage. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

as a member of the Illuminati, I know that we, the lizard people, control everything (Free the Files Not Ghislane)

Astronauts on the International Space Station are testing a new process that makes food using their own urine. They're also testing a new dessert called I Can't Believe It's Not Brownie! —Colin Jost

I just have to say, you know, in general, I don't really believe in conspiracies because as a member of the Illuminati, I know that we, the lizard people, control everything. And it's really hard to believe that Trump was so oblivious that he didn't notice his good friend was running an international pedophile ring, though I guess Trump is the one guy on Earth who thinks "YMCA" is a straight anthem. And on a basic level, it's just shocking how many alleged pedophiles Trump was friends with. Epstein, Prince Andrew, and Diddy. I mean, that's -- that's a lot, you know? I mean, think about your own friend group. How many pedophiles do you know? One. Maybe two. But Trump's like the Forrest Gump of meeting famous pedophiles. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re not just taking our women, they’re taking our astronauts (Now, maybe you can not invade Portland)

“All 20 Israeli hostages are home after 738 days in captivity. Almost 2,000 Palestinian prisoners and detainees have been released. And while we are only in the first phase of what will undoubtedly be a long and tricky process, the fact is the bombing has stopped, the hostages have been released, and Trump deserves some of the praise for that. And so, I know it sounds crazy to say, but good work on that one, President Trump. Now, maybe you can not invade Portland. Just an idea. I mean, while you’re on a roll. ” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Photos emerged of Katy Perry making out with Justin Trudeau on a yacht. I’ve been wondering how Canada was going to exact their revenge for the tariffs, and this is it. They’re taking our women. They’re not just taking our women, they’re taking our astronauts.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Whoa — is it noon already? (they sort of forgot he was up there)

"New research found that people who wake up early are more

productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it,

'Whoa — is it noon already?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Astronaut Jeffrey Williams just set the U.S. record for most days in space, reaching the milestone of 521 days. It's less of an accomplishment after NASA admitted they sort of forgot he was up there. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Can't I just give them 30 bucks? (the maximum per astronaut is two suitcases)

 More than 30 men have been busted for allegedly buying sex from a high-end brothel in Boston that charged up to $600 an hour. That's like 10 bucks a minute. Can't I just give them 30 bucks? —Greg Gutfeld

The all female Blue Origin crew is preparing for their trip into space. They’re only going into space for 11 minutes so the maximum per astronaut is two suitcases. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Lies the rich and corporations tell (one hot chick at a time)

The FBI put a gag order about Hunter Biden's laptop to prevent agents from revealing the truth. Coincidentally Gag Order was the name of most of the videos on Hunter's laptop. By the way Hunter willfully gave up his law license. This makes sense. You want a lawyer who cracks open his briefcase not opens his briefcase for crack. —Greg Gutfeld

Our current press built half the Manhattan skyline and without those buildings where could the left protest. Then we got the world’s richest guy, who also rescues astronauts and helps the paralyzed walk and other stuff that I do on the weekends. He's even tackling the decline in the world's population one hot chick at a time. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like they're describing my dream date with John Stamos (you told your date you were in medical school)

When you have real goals, ones you decide to act on, you're going to make some mistakes. Whether it's rescuing astronauts in space, running for public office or delivering a baby at a restaurant because you told your date you were in medical school. —Greg Gutfeld

The bottom line is the percentage of Americans who say we're on the right track is through the roof. No wonder the media is feasting on the Signal story like it's a gazelle carcass at The View. —Greg Gutfeld

What's left for them when everyone loves Trump's aims? You go after the process. Oh, it's too fast. It's too sloppy. It's like they're describing my dream date with John Stamos. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's less of an accomplishment after NASA admitted they sort of forgot he was up there (selling lies for the ruling class)

Chris Christie just vetoed a proposal to boost New Jersey’s minimum wage to $15 an hour. Then fast food workers said, “After all we've done for you?” –Jimmy Fallon

Astronaut Jeffrey Williams just set the U.S. record for most days in space, reaching the milestone of 521 days. It's less of an accomplishment after NASA admitted they sort of forgot he was up there. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No thanks commie! That belongs to my boss (They put extra duct tape on the doors just to be safe)

“The first-ever manned flight of the Boeing Starliner spacecraft launched today after multiple delays, with a pair of NASA astronauts onboard. Boeing seems to have trouble getting to Cincinnati. I don’t know, should they be going — should they be heading into space? I don’t know. They put extra duct tape on the doors just to be safe.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Imagine being surrounded by bags of urine and then hearing ‘Don’t worry, there’s a Boeing on the way to help.’” — Jimmy Fallon, on the Starliner delivering a new urine processing pump to the space station to replace a broken one

“Seriously, you thought it was rough when you forgot to change the filter on your Brita.” — Jimmy Fallon

“I’ll tell you, that definitely isn’t on the list of activities at space camp.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“I had no idea being an astronaut was so glamorous.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's about keeping those ants in line (You know, I’m good up here)

U.S. astronaut Scott Kelly is about to return to Earth after spending an entire year in space. Then he saw Donald Trump’s poll numbers and said, "You know, I’m good up here." –Conan O’Brien

President Obama said that his very first job was scooping ice cream. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, "I thought he looked familiar." –Conan O’Brien

The latest polls show Donald Trump beating Marco Rubio in Rubio’s home state of Florida by 16 points. To win back Florida voters, Rubio has started doing meth. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Dick Cheney in three-inch heels (Should we tell them?)

The latest Republican primary debate was held in Miami on Wednesday night without the faraway frontrunner, Donald Trump. The former president is so dominant, even his own former vice-president, who in a normal world might be a top contender, just dropped out last month and nobody noticed or cared. Although, I’m not sure anyone has ever really noticed Mike Pence. He’s the color they paint your apartment before you move in. That’s how he got away from the mob trying to kill him on January 6 – he just stood on a pedestal in the Rotunda, and they just thought he was a statue. —Seth Meyers

But let’s face it, this is just what the modern GOP is: people attacking other people’s children in the hope of winning an election they’ve already lost. And Ron DeSantis has a complete inability to smile like a normal human being. On several occasions, DeSantis seemed to be forcing himself to smile. If you’re trying to convince people that you don’t wear lifts inside your boots, maybe don’t make the ‘my heels are killing me’ face. —Seth Meyers

During last night’s debate, Vivek Ramaswamy criticized Nikki Haley’s foreign policy views and said she was ‘Dick Cheney in three-inch heels.’ ‘Hey, I’m right here,’ said Ron DeSantis. — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

And I have to say it’s a pretty quick read (Ze robot vill hug you now)

Three astronauts returned to Earth today from the International Space Station after spending more than 200 days in space. Said one of the astronauts, “Bill Cosby did what?”—Seth Meyers

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has published a new book titled “Understanding Trump.” [Shows page with big text “He cray.”] And I have to say it’s a pretty quick read. –Seth Meyers

Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to hug humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. Which is the most German reaction to that news. “Oh, you need a hug? Come here — let me build you a robot. Ze robot vill hug you now.” --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

the story from the Bible where Jesus miraculously turns water into pizza (You know, I’m good up here)

"In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. As proof, he cited the story from the Bible where Jesus miraculously turns water into pizza." –Conan O'Brien

"Jason Collins, the NBA's first openly gay player, has the top-selling jersey in the league store. Yeah, that's great — finally a gay man who's not afraid to stand up and say 'I have my own clothing line.'" –Conan O'Brien

U.S. astronaut Scott Kelly is about to return to Earth after spending an entire year in space. Then he saw Donald Trump’s poll numbers and said, "You know, I’m good up here." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the Russians claim to have video footage of everything Trump has ever said on television (drinking problem)

"A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better." –Conan O'Brien

In Florida, an 87-year-old man has donated 100 gallons of blood throughout his lifetime. And the weird thing is, only half of it is his. --Conan O’Brien

Engineers have begun trying to find a way to brew beer on the moon. Which means we’ll soon have astronauts calling into Mission Control saying, “Houston, we have a drinking problem.” –Conan O’Brien

James Comey says he believes that the Russians may have damaging information on President Trump. For example, the Russians claim to have video footage of everything Trump has ever said on television. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a pretty big loss – you know, for my monologue (May God write us down as a**es if...)

March 2014

"President Obama has convinced the leaders of the world's biggest economies to move the G-8 summit out of Russia this summer and meet in Brussels instead. Then Vladimir Putin said, 'All good. By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"There are reports coming out that Chris Christie has lost 100 pounds since having lap-band surgery. It's a pretty big loss – you know, for my monologue." –Jimmy Fallon

"Ukraine said it plans to take Russia to court to try to get Crimea back. So get ready next week for a very special 'Judge Judy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow morning, Russia will fly an American astronaut to the International Space Station. And you thought driving someone home after a breakup was awkward." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That doesn't sound like the Russians I know (It's more of a dry hate)

February 2014

"It's rumored that Sandra Bullock will end up making $70 million from the movie 'Gravity.' 'That's great!' said the real astronauts making $59,000 a year." –Jimmy Fallon

"How about that mess in the Ukraine, and now Viktor Yanukovych gets scared and runs. The Russians have given him asylum and they are putting troops on alert. That doesn't sound like the Russians I know." –David Letterman

"They say the Ukraine has become a wild, lawless region like Arizona, where they had this anti-gay legislation that was vetoed yesterday by the governor. They always invoke the word hate, but in Arizona, it's not hate. It's more of a dry hate." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”