Cool, at least they think we do something (at halftime all five starters left for the NBA)

Villanova really played great. They beat Michigan 79 to 62. I'm not saying Villanova was cocky, but at halftime all five starters left for the NBA. --Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, 'Cool, at least they think we do something.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is the biggest threat to our freedom? (five-star Yelp reviews that are 47 paragraphs long)

Two Papa John’s employees in Washington State were arrested this week for allegedly delivering cocaine in pizza boxes. Authorities became suspicious when Papa John’s started getting five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long. –Seth Meyers

A Virginia man recently found an outline of what looks like Donald Trump in one of his bathroom tiles. Of course, at one point or another we've all found something in our bathroom that looks like Donald Trump. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Out of touch and cowardly (it’s draining energy from his eyelids)

Donald Trump has been snoozing during meetings. To America first patriots, it’s clear he’s simply closing his eyes so he can picture everyone naked. Not for sexual reasons – it’s just to calm his nerves for when it’s his turn to talk. He’s thinking so hard with his brain that it’s draining energy from his eyelids. —Seth Meyers

On Wednesday, Trump bragged about the length of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool by showing it side by side with American skyscrapers. One thing we know for sure is that Trump is definitely obsessed with size, whether it’s sex or construction. None of Trump’s work on the pool changed its size. “These are among the tallest buildings in the world,” said Trump. “If you lay [Chicago’s Sears Tower] on its side, it would take two or three of them to fill it in.” You’ve got to hand it to him: that really is impressive. Or it would be if the reflecting pool was fucking vertical! You’re not allowed to compare horizontal to vertical. If that was the case, I-90 crushes the reflecting pool. This is the stuff Trump really cares about. Renovating the reflecting pool, putting his cronies in charge of intelligence agencies … Meanwhile prices are soaring, the Iran war is a disaster. Trump is screwing us so badly it’s almost like he’s running a sex toy company. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

using the same exact technique they employed to get Joy Behar out of an Uber (it may have something to do with surprising a bear)

A tow truck driver has gone viral for rescuing a moose that was stuck in the ice. Evidently, he had practice using the same exact technique they employed to get Joy Behar out of an Uber. —Greg Gutfeld

Authorities aren't sure why a hiker was killed in a surprise encounter with a bear, though it may have something to do with surprising a bear. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm my own man, plus another guy (Well, that never stopped us before)

"Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'" –David Letterman

"50 percent of Americans polled said they thought Donald Trump would make a lousy President. Wow! Half said he'd make a lousy President. Well, that never stopped us before." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Give him my number (we are led by the least among us)

According to recent reports, Iran's Supreme Leader is unconscious and unable to be involved in any decision making. Give him my number, said Jill Biden. —Greg Gutfeld

Two Arizona high school teachers are accused of sexual misconduct with the same teenage boy. We went to the boy for comment, but sadly he'd been high-fived to death. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fairly simple thing that happens to work (Portraits)

"My sister has multiple personalities. She called me the other day

and my caller ID exploded."--Zach Galifianakis

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

right before they took her keys to her car (If only she could get close enough to her cake to blow out the candles)

The mayor of Jackson, Mississippi, signed a proclamation declaring Kamala Harris Day to honor all of her accomplishments. They're calling it Cinco de Drunko. Kamala was also awarded Jackson, Mississippi's key to the city, which was offered right before they took her keys to her car. —Greg Gutfeld

The House Oversight Committee is looking into how Ilhan Omar and her husband went from being nearly broke to having $30 million in just one year. But Omar credits her financial adviser, Nancy Pelosi. —Greg Gutfeld

Today is music icon Dolly Parton's 80th birthday. If only she could get close enough to her cake to blow out the candles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They live with constant fear of a reckoning (Netanyahu said it was okay)

It was reported that Jeffrey Epstein hid photographs in secret storage lockers across the country. But I guess he had to take a lot of pictures because kids grow up so fast. —Michael Che

A former Olympic athlete who promoted the run-walk-run strategy to running has died at the age of 80. Cause of death was listed as run-walk-bus. —Michael Che

Detractors on CNN are saying that President Trump had no authorization for this war, but he actually did. Netanyahu said it was okay. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, last year’s after party got pretty wild (your flamingo has been in an accident)

The Westminster Dog Show has added three new breeds to its annual events. Said the dogs, “Yeah, last year’s after party got pretty wild.” –Seth Meyers

59 new emojis will be available this fall, including a wheelchair and a flamingo, which is perfect if you need to tell someone your flamingo has been in an accident. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know the difference between a cat and a politician? (Heads or Tails)

"Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" –Jay Leno

“It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and a politician? A cat doesn't pretend to care about you.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Good luck trying to connect me to Donald Trump Jr. (safety lecture)

Donald Trump Jr. released a series of emails showing he actively tried to collaborate with the Russians before the election. When he heard this, Donald Trump said, "Good luck trying to connect me to Donald Trump Jr." –Conan O’Brien

A flight attendant has pled guilty to smuggling 60 pounds of cocaine in her carry-on bag. People got suspicious when her safety lecture went on for four hours. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And if you thought bumping into your teacher at the grocery store was awkward (his first visit to a war zone)

In an interview with Fox News, Donald Trump said that he's planning his first visit to a war zone. Troops were glad to hear that until they realized he was talking about Walmart on Black Friday. --Jimmy Fallon

“Today in New York, New York issued the first licenses to open marijuana dispensaries. And if you thought bumping into your teacher at the grocery store was awkward.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, now it's just part of the job (he then sublet it to Halliburton)

"Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, 'I am not a crook.' That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. See, now it's just part of the job." –Jay Leno

"In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You lost my brother?! (I wasn't anywhere near that dude)

At last night’s Republican debate on CNN, one of the big moments was when Jeb Bush admitted to smoking marijuana during high school. Marijuana denied having anything to do with Jeb Bush. “I wasn't anywhere near that dude.” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Jeb Bush has seen a drop in campaign donations lately, and has been forced to take commercial flights to campaign events. It got weird when the airline said they lost Jeb's baggage and he was like, “You lost my brother?!” –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney is back in the news. He's talking about his memoirs. Cheney said that George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of their Administration. And in Bush's defense, I think it's pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Being a crappy neighbor, lesson 1 (they had to turn him away when his H.M.O. wouldn't cover the visit)

"And from the animal kingdom, it seems a loggerhead sea turtle nearly swam to the doorstep of a Florida Keys turtle hospital. This is the only licensed veterinary facility in the world that solely treats sea turtles. This turtle somehow knew to swim right up to the hospital. Isn't that amazing? Sad part, they had to turn him away when his H.M.O. wouldn't cover the visit." --Jay Leno

"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Whoa — is it noon already? (they sort of forgot he was up there)

"New research found that people who wake up early are more

productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it,

'Whoa — is it noon already?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Astronaut Jeffrey Williams just set the U.S. record for most days in space, reaching the milestone of 521 days. It's less of an accomplishment after NASA admitted they sort of forgot he was up there. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Out of how many? (giving up)

According to a new CBS poll, President Trump’s approval rating is just 36 percent. Said Trump, “Out of how many?” –Seth Meyers

A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he did bravely fight off all five of the Army’s attempts to draft him (I hope they can get used to doing nothing)

Eric Trump appeared on CBS "This Morning" today and defended his father's ongoing feud with the family of a veteran, saying, “What I think this country needs is a fighter.” And to Donald Trump’s credit, he did bravely fight off all five of the Army’s attempts to draft him. –Seth Meyers

"Today marks the last day before Congress takes its summer recess. They're taking five weeks off. Five weeks. I hope they can get used to doing nothing." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And our governments are very much the same (because he wouldn’t use a coaster)

Donald Trump’s has used many defenses against the Epstein scandal, starting with his claim that he didn’t send a lewd birthday greeting to Epstein featuring a nude drawing of a woman, as reported by the Wall Street Journal. As Trump said: “I don’t do drawings of women.” 

The way you keep saying ‘I don’t do drawings of women,’ instead of just saying ‘I don’t do drawings of people’ makes it sound like you do a ton of drawings of dudes. Trump then “dug the hole deeper” by saying that his friendship with Epstein ended only because Epstein hired employees out from under him. 

That’s not helping you, dude! Going out of your way to explain that you cut ties with a monster not because he was a monster, but because he hired people away from you makes you sound even worse. That’s like saying you stopped inviting Charles Manson to parties because he wouldn’t use a coaster. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”