What else you got? (soufflé)

A study reveals that the best way to add years to your life is to

exercise, lose weight, and not drink too much. To which all of

America replied, "What else you got?" --Conan O’Brien

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is coming out with a cookbook. The cookbook teaches you how to make a soufflé that falls then re-inflates at halftime. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the winner of the husband-carrying contest was Scarlett Johansson (Make Iran Great Again)

The winners of the annual wife-carrying contest in England was a couple from Finland, while once again the winner of the husband-carrying contest was Scarlett Johansson. —Michael Che

President Trump posted a message on Truth Social reading, "Iran will have a great future. Make Iran Great Again." Or M-I-G-A. As in...this Miga crazy. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, it's Epstein Files Not Released Day...Again (b*** plug night)

Geese have reportedly caused a popular beach in Finland to be covered in a shocking amount of poop. Define a shocking amount of poop said Biden’s night nurse. —Greg Gutfeld

Some pervert threw a green dildo on the court during a WNBA game. Fans were shocked because it was butt plug night. —Greg Gutfeld

American Eagle stock has gone way up since airing the Sydney Sweeney jeans commercial. Also up. Boners. —Greg Gutfeld

Singer Katy Perry was spotted on a date with Canada’s former Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Who knew she was a lesbian? —Greg Gutfeld

In a recent poll, men struggled to name a masculine leader in the democratic party except Obama. Causing pollsters to ask, which one? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I will never have to take Viagra again (Jeb Bush's spirit)

It came out that Donald Trump ranks his favorite Fox News reporters on how much they are loyal to him. Sean Hannity gets a 10. He gets an 11 if he’s wearing heels. But Trump’s top ranking host is Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy, who gets a 12. When Doocy heard this he said, “I will never have to take Viagra again.” --Jimmy Kimmel

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

All the candidates have merchandise for sale. Even the candidates who've dropped out. Jeb Bush has the “Guaca Bowle.” This is a guacamole bowl with Jeb's logo on it. Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush's spirit. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who does she think she is, herself? (Finland, take a bow)

A pair of New England Patriots players were kicked out of practice this week after getting into a fight during drills. Wow, even the New England Patriots hate the New England Patriots. –Seth Meyers

According to Vanity Fair, the Queen of England has four alcoholic beverages every day, including a glass of champagne before bed. Champagne before bed?! Who does she think she is, herself? –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Duran: Finland, Sanna Marin out. Ursula traded to NATO?

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition (I don't always aim...)

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were

Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the

Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically

all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit

edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

They did a study, there's an increase in fatal heart attacks in the three days after we change the clocks. Probably from looking at your watch, realizing you were supposed to have picked up your kid at preschool an hour ago. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden did well with voters over 45, and Bernie Sanders did well with voters under 45. Basically, if you’re a Democrat who’s had a colonoscopy, Joe is your guy.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Best I can do is a cop or a warmonger (Moneybags McPantsuit)

Last night President Trump returned home from his trip to Finland. Trump walked into the White House and immediately texted Putin that he got home safe. --Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders gave a 23-minute speech at a conference last week after he endorsed Hillary Clinton, but he didn’t mention her by name. Though people had a pretty good idea who he was referring to when he mentioned “Moneybags McPantsuit.” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yes, if there's one country that's definitely going to start World War III, it's Finland (The CIA is now following you)

June 2014

"In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Hillary Clinton said she would make her decision on running for president 'by the end of the year.' Specifically, the year 1998." –Seth Meyers 

"Vladimir Putin's personal envoy said that allowing Finland to join NATO could lead to World War III. Yes, if there's one country that's definitely going to start World War III, it's Finland." –Seth Meyers

"On Friday the CIA launched its official Twitter account. Which means that you could receive this terrifying email: 'The CIA is now following you.'" –Seth Meyers

"President Obama surprised tourists by walking to a Starbucks near the White House. Even more surprising, he traded five Taliban members for a grande soy latte." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, he's still going to attack, he just has no plans (More bad news for Dick Cheney)

 

 "According to a Finnish medical study, if you have a bad or incompetent boss, it increases your risk of a heart attack by 30%. More bad news for Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Kind of a scary incident in the Straits of Hormuz this week. Do you know about this, where those Iranian boats threatened our navy? President Bush said today he has no plans to attack Iran. Oh, he's still going to attack, he just has no plans." --Jay Leno

"It looks like there's a little more fudging of Hillary's records. Remember when she said she was deeply involved in the Irish Peace Process? Turns out, she just saw 'Lord of the Dance.'" --Jay Leno

"Now that the Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act, this ruling means California gay guys can finally marry someone other than Liza Minnelli." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there’s no better time to offer parents alcohol than during the 20th rewatch of Encanto (relax, I only drink when I smoke)

May 2022

“There is a viral clip of a Mexican student asking Pope Francis about his injured knee, to which the pope answered: ‘I need a little bit of tequila for my leg.’ Probably explains why an hour later the popemobile was spotted at a Taco Bell drive-thru. Vatican officials were shocked but the pope was like, ‘relax, I only drink when I smoke.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“And Disney announced a new ad-supported version of Disney+, though it will not show ads for politics or alcohol to keep the platform family friendly. They should reconsider that. I mean, there’s no better time to offer parents alcohol than during the 20th rewatch of Encanto.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Leaders from Sweden joined Finland in announcing plans to submit an application for NATO on Tuesday. One of Russia’s main goals in invading Ukraine was to weaken NATO. Now, instead, the alliance is ‘on the brink of starting its largest potential expansion in nearly two decades.’ How ironic. It’s — it’s like that O. Henry story where the guy buys his wife combs for her hair, and she joins NATO.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the hamster that powers Trump’s brain is getting tired right now (That is gonna be an awkward award ceremony)

April 2022

“I feel like the hamster that powers Trump’s brain is getting tired right now.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“There is some dispute over who was the first to identify the subway shooting suspect, leading to confusion over who would get the $50,000 reward. Allegedly the suspect himself might also have called. That is gonna be an awkward award ceremony.” —Stephen Colbert

“It’s now fine to return to the subway. It’s just as safe and clean as you remember.” —Stephen Colbert

“Russian’s continued invasion of Ukraine has led Sweden and Finland to consider joining Nato. It could be the most shocking Nordic alliance since black licorice joined forces with salt.” —Stephen Colbert

“There are confusing names given to new Covid variants, a forgettable mixture of numbers and letters. People would take these variants more seriously if you gave them cool names Big Bad Greg or No Good Gretchen.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait, he gives massages too? (Have you ever tried squeaking by on $27,000 a day?)

Speaking of Putin, Hillary Clinton just called the Russian president a world-class misogynist. When Trump heard that, he was like, "Wait, he gives massages too?" --Jimmy Fallon

"Officials in Finland say the Russian army is now conducting drills on its border. Or as Vladimir Putin calls that, 'window shopping.'" –Jimmy Fallon

More than 11.5 million documents called the “Panama Papers” just leaked, and they link Vladimir Putin to $2 billion held in secret offshore accounts. If confirmed, it could be the LEAST bad thing Putin's ever done. –Jimmy Fallon

This morning, the White House hosted their annual Easter Egg Roll. When President Trump first heard there were a bunch of bunnies on the front lawn, he told his lawyer to pay them off. --Jimmy Fallon

A new study finds that some people may be genetically programmed to be vegetarians. So in addition to having your grandmother's eyes, you can also inherit her ability to be difficult at restaurants. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition (So he’s been training for this really for his whole life)

"Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone's native land and tell them they're speaking the wrong language." –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is right now gearing up for his first State of the Union speech; it’s tomorrow night. State of the Union is the one day of the year presidents are supposed to brag about their accomplishments. So he’s been training for this really for his whole life. --Jimmy Kimmel

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tiger Woods called a press conference for Friday morning. Only select journalists will be invited and no questions will be taken. Essentially, we’re going to listen to him read. Maybe he’ll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For two of the turns he didn’t even use a ski pole (chilly willy)

February 2022

“And finally, an athlete from Finland told reporters over the weekend that after competing in the men’s 50-kilometer cross-country ski race at the Beijing Games, his penis was, quote, ‘a little bit frozen’ — though just because he needed an excuse after he was caught ‘warming it up.’” —Seth Meyers

“Or as it’s known by its official medical diagnosis: chilly willy.” —Stephen Colbert

“Lindholm’s frosty groin was so bad, after the race, he had to use a heat pack to try to thaw out his appendage. OK, you gotta do it. Remember, never let your penis defrost on the counter. Put it in a bowl of water in the fridge — salmonella.” —Stephen Colbert

“Now if this all sounds painful, yes. As Lindholm said, “When the body parts started to warm up after the finish, the pain was unbearable.’ As opposed to ‘bearable’ frozen penis?” —Stephen Colbert

“People could tell something was wrong when he was doing a hand stand under the hand dryers in the men’s room. Thank god he’s an Olympian, because I wouldn’t have the hand strength.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I feel for the guy, though. He’s training for years and now that’s what comes up when you Google him, you know what I’m saying?” —Jimmy Fallon

“He used it to his advantage, though. For two of the turns he didn’t even use a ski pole.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air, and the quantity of teeny-tiny sausages (Free Assange)

February 2014

"At the Olympics, the Russian men's hockey team was knocked out by Finland. Vladimir Putin was said to be furious. He was yelling, waving a sword around, threatening to send people to Siberia. Then the game started." –Craig Ferguson

"A 101-year-old man is running for Congress. Now in what state do you think that is? You know what state — Florida, of course! He's a member of the tea party — the Boston Tea Party." –Craig Ferguson

"A new survey named Vienna, Austria, the world's best city. Vienna came out on top in this survey because it was No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air, and the quantity of teeny-tiny sausages." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you like your fajitas, you can keep your fajitas (Usually he sends Dennis Rodman)

February 2014

"Today at the Olympics the Russian men's hockey team, which was favored, was eliminated by Finland. Then an hour later, the Russian men's hockey team was eliminated by Putin." –Conan O'Brien

"Today the Russian hockey team lost and was knocked out of the Olympics. People in Russia haven't been this depressed since last week." –Conan O'Brien

"In Florida, a 101-year-old man is planning to run for Congress. His slogan is 'Vote for me and then vote again in two months.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama met with Mexico's president. This was a rare trip for Obama. Usually he sends Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman

"Obama had a message for Mexicans. He said, 'If you like your fajitas, you can keep your fajitas.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as most people put it: 'Breaking Bad' spoiler alert! (He's kind of the bouncer for Heaven)

March 2013

"Everyone is still talking about the new Pope. It turns out that he used to be a high school chemistry teacher. Or as most people put it: 'Breaking Bad' spoiler alert!" –Jimmy Fallon

"Pope Francis actually put himself through school by working as a bouncer at a nightclub. Which will come in handy now that he's kind of the bouncer for Heaven." –Jimmy Fallon

"A bakery in New York is already selling cookies with a picture of the new Pope on them. Which is perfect for anyone who was hoping to feel even more guilty after eating a bunch of cookies." –Jimmy Fallon

"With Washington in the middle of a budget crisis, the White House is facing criticism for spending $250,000 a year on calligraphy. You can tell you're spending way too much money on calligraphy when you spend ANY money on calligraphy." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Then it got weird when she added, 'Again.' (The haves fighting the really haves)

August 2012

"It’s National Senior Citizen’s Day, which is not to be confused with National Senior Citizen’s Week — the Republican Convention in Florida." –Jimmy Fallon

"A hurricane could threaten next week’s Republican National Convention in Tampa. It could really hurt Republicans — which explains its name, 'Hurricane Todd Akin.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new report by the Tax Policy Center, the gap between the rich and the super rich is growing wider. This could split the Republican Party in two. The haves fighting the really haves." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to gold medalist sprinter Usain Bolt. He turned 26 this week. You know the sad thing? His world record time has already been broken by Republicans running away from Missouri Congressman Todd Akin." –Jay Leno

"It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year’s Democratic National Convention will be women. But it’s going to be annoying when they stop speaking, but won’t tell you why." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said she doesn’t have time to read 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' Then it got weird when she added, 'Again.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At this point, Trump’s sued more books than he’s read (That’s really all you need to know about someone)

“According to John Bolton, Trump’s ignorance is near-bottomless. Apparently, Trump didn’t seem to know that Britain was a nuclear power and asked if Finland were part of Russia. Now, you can understand his confusion there, because under President Trump, it feels like we’re kind of part of Russia.” —Stephen Colbert

“Yep, Bolton says he knew he had a duty to tell Americans the truth — once the check cleared for his book advance.” —Jimmy Fallon

“There’s no one, no one to root for in a Trump-versus-Bolton fight. They’re both megalomaniac sociopaths looking out for themselves. It’s a real ‘Alien vs Predator’ situation, except all you need to do to stop Alien Trump is install a ramp.” —Seth Meyers

“And by the way, while Trump is fighting off this book, he’s also the subject of another tell-all book by his own niece. Yeah, apparently, Trump is considering suing her as well because, like all normal families, his niece signed an NDA in 2001. And I can’t even begin to imagine how awkward Thanksgiving is going to be for the Trump family.” —Trevor Noah

“Trump claims his niece’s book would violate the terms of a nondisclosure agreement he had her sign in 2001. Imagine having an NDA with your niece. That’s really all you need to know about someone.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“At this point, Trump’s sued more books than he’s read.” —Jimmy Fallon

“If the lawsuit fails, Trump has a backup plan. He is going to build a chain-link fence around every Barnes & Noble.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”