These layoffs were brought to you by the letters F and U (if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years)

Sesame Street announced that they have fired several of their long-time cast members. These layoffs were brought to you by the letters F and U. –Conan O’Brien

"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

86 push-ups underwater (mood rings)

A yoga teacher broke the world record by doing 86 push-ups underwater while holding his breath. Many people want to know his secret in case they ever enter a men's room after Jerry Nadler. —Greg Gutfeld 

Kamala Harris has moved into a rich community that has no diversity. In her defense, she pointed to a bottle of Johnny Walker Black. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What are the odds? (he told me to open my mouth and say oink)

A Florida man was arrested for stealing a truck filled with $75,000 worth of Campbell’s Soup. I for one hope this guy goes away for Mmm-Mmm good. —Norm Macdonald

Hey news media leave Kim Kardashian alone will you. She's pregnant, of course she's gonna she's going to gain weight. And if anyone knows about rapid weight gain it's me. You know I went to see the doctor about it and he told me to open my mouth and say oink. —Norm Macdonald

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm going to have to sit down for most of this (multiply that occurrence by 1.8 million)

I'm so fat when I get my shoes shined I have to take the boot blacks word for it. —Norm Macdonald

Porn actor Ron Jeremy is back at work after having open heart surgery. I think this is interesting, the name of his next feature is going to be called I'm going to have to sit down for most of this. —Norm Macdonald

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

What else you got? (soufflé)

A study reveals that the best way to add years to your life is to

exercise, lose weight, and not drink too much. To which all of

America replied, "What else you got?" --Conan O’Brien

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is coming out with a cookbook. The cookbook teaches you how to make a soufflé that falls then re-inflates at halftime. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So we're all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage (after years of touching Canada)

"A study found 1 in 3 Americans lives near a nuclear power plant. And the other 2 live near a Kardashian. So we're all at risk of exposure to dangerous seepage." –Craig Ferguson

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What can you say? The man loves to dance (it will assess how many Wendy’s tendies you can fit in your mouth)

“Originally President Trump said his ballroom would cost $200m, and it would be financed by private donors. Then the price tag doubled to $400m, which he said would still be paid for by private donors. Then yesterday, Republicans in the Senate pushed a bill that was allocate a billion dollars of taxpayer money to to go towards this project. According to the judiciary committee, the increased funds would be used to heighten security in the wake of the recent shooting at the White House correspondents’ dinner. A billion dollars for a ballroom. What can you say? The man loves to dance.” —Jimmy Kimmel

There is news that Trump will be bringing back the presidential fitness test, which had previously been nixed during the Obama administration. He wants kids to get in shape. Trump said, ‘If they don’t get in shape, they’ll never be able to marry a wealthy businessman.’ While the test used to judge fitness based on how many sit-ups you could do, now it will assess how many Wendy’s tendies you can fit in your mouth. Only Donald Trump would bring back a test that he has no chance of passing. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Only Donald Trump would bring back a test that he has no chance of passing (The man loves to dance)

“Originally Trump said his ballroom would cost $200m, and it would be financed by private donors. Then the price tag doubled to $400m, which he said would still be paid for by private donors. Then yesterday, Republicans in the Senate pushed a bill that was allocate a billion dollars of taxpayer money to to go towards this project. According to the judiciary committee, the increased funds would be used to heighten security in the wake of the recent shooting at the White House correspondents’ dinner. A billion dollars for a ballroom. What can you say? The man loves to dance.” —Jimmy Kimmel

There is news that Trump will be bringing back the presidential fitness test, which had previously been nixed during the Obama administration. He wants kids to get in shape. Trump said, ‘If they don’t get in shape, they’ll never be able to marry a wealthy businessman.’ While the test used to judge fitness based on how many sit-ups you could do, now it will assess how many Wendy’s tendies you can fit in your mouth. Only Donald Trump would bring back a test that he has no chance of passing. —Jimmy Kimmel

Based on Trump’s social media activity, there were only five nights over the last month when the president could have possibly gotten a full night’s sleep. Now, in fairness Trump does take nice little naps, mostly during the national security meetings. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Uh, is this going to be on the test? (but they were polite not to say it)

It has been reported that President Trump plans to bring back the presidential fitness test. On Tuesday, he announced the initiative at the White House in front of gathered school kids. In front of a group of schoolchildren, President Trump claimed that Iran would have launched a nuclear strike against the US and Israel if he hadn’t started the war. Said the kids, ‘Uh, is this going to be on the test?’ —Seth Meyers

You just know those kids were thinking, ‘Yeah, but didn’t President Obama reach a deal with Iran during his administration?’ I mean, they were thinking it, but they were polite not to say it. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

little journeys are all anyone can afford to take now (drain a brother's bank account)

In his speech, President Trump referred to the war in Iran as a "little journey." Because little journeys are all anyone can afford to take now. —Michael Che

Experts have found that strong glute muscles can increase a person's lifespan... but also drain a brother's bank account. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even if you're just going out to have a smoke (the ceremonial ribbon shooting)

The Surgeon General said more Americans should start going on walks. Then to everyone's surprise, he added, "Even if you're just going out to have a smoke." –Jimmy Fallon

"The University of Wyoming will open the new Dick Cheney Center for International Students. Cheney is planning on attending. He's going to take part in the ceremonial ribbon shooting." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a four-letter word for enclosure (the first person ever to successfully cancel his gym membership)

A Massachusetts man was arrested this weekend for stripping naked and doing yoga poses in a Planet Fitness gym. That story again, a man in Massachusetts has become the first person ever to successfully cancel his gym membership. --Seth Meyers

A 91-year-old woman in Germany is under investigation for destruction of property after she tried filling in words on a crossword puzzle on display at an art museum. If charged, the woman could face time in a four-letter word for enclosure. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I got to say, it's nice to see him pump something besides a Chinese spy (He's the real hero)

Kamala Harris announced that instead of running for governor of California, she'll publish a book titled 107 days. Some think it's about her presidential run, but it's actually the longest time Doug spent without banging a nanny. He's the real hero. —Greg Gutfeld

Finally, House Democrat Eric Swalwell responded to our segment about his cheesy workout video by challenging me to a bench press contest. I got to say, it's nice to see him pump something besides a Chinese spy. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wonder if y'all see the swindle yet? (it gave a**holes an excuse to be themselves)

Over the weekend, Californians raged at Vice President JD Vance and his family as they visited Disneyland. Kamala Harris said, "I'm going to get to the bottom of this,” while holding a bottle of Jack Daniels. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump says he's considering taking away Rosie O'Donnell's US citizenship. He claims it's the best way to prevent the return of mad cow disease. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new study, keeping active slashes the risk of death from any cause by up to 40%. Does chewing count, asked Chris Christie? —Greg Gutfeld

If Covid was great at one thing, it gave assholes an excuse to be themselves. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So apparently, another one of Melania's tunnels collapsed (Healthcare costs by country)

A study reveals that the best way to add years to your life is to exercise, lose weight, and not drink too much. To which all of America replied, "What else you got?" --Conan O’Brien

"Due to civil unrest in Baltimore, tomorrow's game between the Orioles and the White Sox will be played in an empty stadium. When asked for comments, players on the Milwaukee Brewers said, 'You get used to it.'" –Conan O'Brien

A sinkhole has opened up on the White House lawn. So apparently, another one of Melania's tunnels collapsed. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even worse, they were researching extra strength Viagra (five minutes a day of vigorous exercise)

Police in South Carolina are warning residents to stay indoors with doors and windows shut after 40 monkeys escaped from a medical research facility. Even worse, they were researching extra strength Viagra. —Colin Jost

A new study finds that just five minutes a day of vigorous exercise can help lower blood pressure, which you can easily achieve if you cross paths with those Viagra monkeys. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even if you're just going out to have a smoke (Even when they don't lose, they don't win)

The Surgeon General said more Americans should start going on walks. Then to everyone's surprise, he added, "Even if you're just going out to have a smoke." –Jimmy Fallon

After losing all 16 of their games last season, the Cleveland Browns' first game of the year ended in a tie. Yep, the Cleveland Browns: Even when they don't lose, they don't win. --Jimmy Fallon

"Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If he gets tired, they're just going to put a wig on an air horn and hope nobody notices (fluffle)

I heard about a new study that found that not working out is even worse for your health than smoking. When they heard that, Americans were like, "Great. Smoking it is." --Jimmy Fallon

Guys, the midterm elections are coming up. And I saw that by election day, President Trump will have spoken at over 30 rallies in 5 weeks. The media says that's a lot of time to spend away from the White House, or as White House staffers put it, "Shut up." Yeah, I read that Trump is planning to hold 10 more rallies before November 6th. If he gets tired, they're just going to put a wig on an air horn and hope nobody notices. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, and has anyone seen my dignity? (it better come in cool ranch flavor)

"Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor." –Conan O'Brien

The oldest living American, a New Jersey woman, has just turned 114. At her birthday party she said, “Why are we celebrating? I just spent 114 years in New Jersey.” –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney tweeted that it was “an honor” to be considered for secretary of state. Romney then tweeted, “Oh, and has anyone seen my dignity?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's an evangelical. He's not a snake handler (So at least social distancing was maintained)

Jerry Falwell, Jr. is in trouble. Apparently his wife was having an affair with the pool boy and allegedly Falwell would watch them having sex from the corner of the room. He says he did not have sex himself with the pool boy. He's an evangelical. He's not a snake handler. —Bill Maher

Jerry Falwell would allegedly watch his wife having sex with the pool boy from the corner of the room. So at least social distancing was maintained. —Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney went birther today. He was in Michigan, where he was born, and he said, 'No one has ever asked to see my birth certificate.' Right, because you weren't born. You have a warranty card." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”