Their win is my win! (Who is the real hero?)

I got a belt that's holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. I don't know what's really happening down there. Who is the real hero? --Mitch Hedberg

I went to the store and bought eight apples. The clerk said you want me to put them in a bag. I said no man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight. If I am ever here and I buy nine apples, bag’em up. --Mitch Hedberg

I saw a commercial on late-night-tv that said forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did, and it was a load off my mind. --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What stage of capitalism is this? (Fairly simple thing that happens to work)

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason (ten cents more a day)

Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, "I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one." –Conan O’Brien

A Florida man who accidentally fired a gun in a strip club restroom while trying to take a selfie has been sent to prison. The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who am I OK being stuck inside a catering truck with? (pool vandals)

“Apparently, Trump was caught off guard by Leavitt’s decision. And this is strange, Trump is now blaming her resignation on pool vandals.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Trump’s now looking for a replacement who can spin facts and numbers, so another good option is his doctor.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Of course when hiring someone, it’s also about personality, you know? You’ve got to think, like, ‘Who am I OK being stuck inside a catering truck with?’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Labor Day wish (Well, I guess Kid Rock is safe)

Rosie O'Donnell claims she got hit on by a handsome man after her facelift. Now, was this before or after his seeing eye dog licked her hand? —Greg Gutfeld 

The man with the world's smallest penis is getting his crowdfunding enlargement operation on August 17th. In a related story, that's the same day I'm guest hosting Jesse Waters Prime Time. —Greg Gutfeld 

According to a new study, hidden chemicals are lurking in 85% of personal care products like shampoo and soap. Well, I guess Kid Rock is safe. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When one of us is under attack, we're all under attack (the same way he used to get onto Epstein’s plane)

President Trump slipped out of Turkey last month by hiding in a catering truck. Meanwhile, Joe Biden slipped out of a hearse after hitting a speed bump. —Greg Gutfeld 

“President Trump slipped out of Turkey last month by hiding in a catering truck. That’s the same way he used to get onto Epstein’s plane.” — Anthony Anderson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Show some respect for the office (it makes it very hard to delay anything)

When Trump last visited Michigan in January, a heckler called him a “pedophile protector” during his visit and once again, during a speech, he was called the same thing. Show some respect for the office. That’s President Pedophile Protector. —Jordan Klepper 

This week has also seen a report showing that the beleaguered Taylor Farms tried to delay an FDA recall announcement after it was alleged the recent explosive diarrhea outbreak originated there. If I understand correctly, cyclospora makes it very hard to delay anything. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What a genius, he'll be missed (At number two, Ezra)

Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy died this week in Washington. If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes in the skull and then inserting and rotating a knife to destroy brain cells. What a genius, he'll be missed. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is a bad look (That’s just Mitch McConnell saying hello)

President Trump attended the World Cup final on Sunday, where he was booed by the crowd as he walked onto the field to take part in the medal ceremony and trophy presentation. At this point, I’m guessing Trump’s staff tries to make him feel better by telling him he’s just being followed around by ghosts: ‘Mr. President, remember, no one’s booing you. That’s just Mitch McConnell saying hello.’ — Seth Meyers

“Trump’s sports curse strikes again. He goes to the N.B.A. finals, the Knicks lose. He intervenes to get a red card overturned, U.S.A. loses. He says you can’t bet against Messi, Argentina loses. He owned a U.S.F.L. team, and the whole [expletive] league folded. He’s a sports reaper.” — Seth Meyers

“A video has gained attention online that appears to show FIFA President Gianni Infantino attempting to move President Trump away from the Spanish national soccer team so they could lift the World Cup trophy without him. In Trump’s defense, that thing’s solid gold. That’s like trying to move Gollum away from the Ring. The head of the most corrupt organization on Earth was, like, ‘This is a bad look.’” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

just to be safe, the golfers got changed in their cars (always try and make it interesting)

President Trump attended the U.S. Women’s Open Golf Tournament this weekend, so just to be safe, the golfers got changed in their cars. –Seth Meyers

A new survey shows 30 percent of Americans believe legalizing marijuana will make driving less safe. Though marijuana users believe that legalization will make driving less likely. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When one of us is under attack, we're all under attack (What do I have to do?)

This is really weird, in Germany a woman who recently won a beauty pageant just admitted she used to be a man. Which explains why her talent for the pageant was hiding her testicles. --Conan O’Brien 7/13/2005

For the second year in a row, Johnny Depp has been named Forbes magazine’s Most Overpaid Actor. After hearing this, Nicolas Cage said, “What do I have to do?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the Sea Biscuit biscuit (the school's bake sale raised 40 million dollars)

"Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald's unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit." –Conan O'Brien

Here in New York federal agents busted a 12 million dollar marijuana operation that was operating across the street from a public school. Police became suspicious when the school's bake sale raised 40 million dollars. --Conan O’Brien 3/25/2005

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have to say it’s a pretty quick read (Ze robot vill hug you now)

Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to hug humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. Which is the most German reaction to that news. “Oh, you need a hug? Come here — let me build you a robot. Ze robot vill hug you now.” --Seth Meyers

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has published a new book titled “Understanding Trump.” [Shows page with big text “He cray.”] And I have to say it’s a pretty quick read. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six (fermented palm sap)

Disney World announced they are finally serving alcohol at every restaurant in the Magic Kingdom. Parents will say, "These giant teacups are spinning too fast," and the kids will be like, "We are not even on the ride yet." --Jimmy Fallon

A new study says that chimpanzees occasionally drink too much fermented palm sap, which causes them to act drunk. Researchers could tell the chimps were drunk when one of them suggested karaoke.—Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump criticized Hillary Clinton over the weekend, claiming that her views are “just words” read off a teleprompter. But Hillary denied it, saying, “I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oooh, looks like I’ll have to be punished for that... (a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet)

So Donald Trump endorsed L.L. Bean on Twitter — because if anybody represents the rugged great outdoors, it’s a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet. –Conan O’Brien

The movie "Fifty Shades of Grey" has gotten a Razzie nomination for Worst Film of the Year. Upon hearing this, the film's director said, "Oooh, looks like I’ll have to be punished for that...” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Department of Lubrication (the suffering on the tape is real)

The stars of the "Game of Thrones" have gotten huge raises and will make $500,000 per episode next season. So when you see a character get killed off, know that the suffering on the tape is real. –Jimmy Fallon

The Trump administration says they want to combine the Department of Labor and the Department of Education. Trump said, "We're merging the Departments of Labor and Education to create... the Department of Lubrication." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They say it could generate roughly $13 gazillion (this guy was the victim of a sting operation)

And finally, the news from my homeland. A burglar in London recently attempted to sneak into a building through the backyard area and ended up disturbing the owner's beehive and the burglar was then chased away by a swarm of 80,000 angry bees. It sounds like this guy was the victim of a sting operation. --James Corden

Apparently, LeBron's talk show is going to be him and four random guests you may or may not have heard of. You know, like when he plays basketball. --James Corden

Senators in Rhode Island are proposing a new bill that would charge residents a one-time fee of $20 to access online pornography. State budget experts say this new porn bill could be profitable. They say it could generate roughly $13 gazillion. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump's own personal kryptonite (Duck Season! Rabbit Season!)

Still recovering from yesterday’s Oval Office Battle Royale between Trump, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi and the corpse of Mike Pence. He looks fresh. They ice him down every night. He’s like salmon. Donald Trump is trying to put a positive spin on Donald Trump’s performance. But one person’s not buying that: that’s Donald Trump.

Because according to witnesses, Trump “Stormed out of the Oval Office and threw his briefing papers across the room.” Oh, No! Now how is he going to read his briefing? Witnesses say that Trump was mainly frustrated with Chuck Schumer saying that “His old sparring buddy got the better of him. Schumer had goaded him into it.” Schumer got Trump but using Trump's own personal kryptonite: Opening his mouth.

Trump said, “Chuck, you want to shut down the government.” Then Schumer said, No sir. You want to shut down the government.” Then Trump said, “Yes I do. Checkmate.” I have only seen negotiating that good one time before. It was between Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. “Rabbit Season! Duck Season! Rabbit Season! Rabbit Season! Duck Season!” Fire! --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, how much effort does it take to just leave the back door open and say... (the drunkest mom at the kid's pool party)

Donald Trump says he's too busy to give a birthday present to his wife. I mean, how much effort does it take to just leave the back door open and say, "You're free, Melania. I let you go.” --James Corden

High-heel Crocs — for the woman who wants to let everyone know that she's the drunkest mom at the kid's pool party. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

New Yorkers are gonna be so excited to finally try marijuana (Well check your bank account. Is there $130,000 in there?)

“The first licences for recreational marijuana have also finally been produced in New York. New Yorkers are gonna be so excited to finally try marijuana.” —Stephen Colbert

Apparently Trump insulted Christie at a dinner party, making Christie wonder if Trump took him to be “one of his chicks.” Well check your bank account. Is there $130,000 in there? --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”