His signature dish is pan seared squirrel I ran over in my Lexus (Nancy Pelosi bought stock in Galoshes)

RFK Jr. is launching a new cooking show where he will prepare meals using the new dietary guidelines. It's called Where's my pet? His signature dish is pan seared squirrel I ran over in my Lexus. —Greg Gutfeld 

The explosive diarrhea parasite has now been detected in 45 states. In a totally unrelated story, Nancy Pelosi bought stock in Galoshes. —Greg Gutfeld 

Surveillance footage shows a mother in Georgia using a gas pump to thwart a gunman trying to abduct her child. I don't know who was crazier, the gunman or the woman willing to waste $4 gas. —Greg Gutfeld 

And finally, NASA has a powerful new telescope that's ready to launch. They plan to use it to look at faraway galaxies once they're done pointing it at Sydney Sweeney's bedroom window. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My husband has become a liability (the first cool-down comic in history)

President Trump started his comedy routine by rambling on about his stupid ballroom thereby icing his own crowd which makes him the first cool-down comic in history. —Seth Meyers

Is Trump good for comedy, well he’s better for it than he is at it. —Seth Meyers

Fox pundits attempted to defend the performance by saying those in the room were being bad sports for not laughing. You wanted people to laugh but my question is when and at what joke? In order for you to take a joke, you have to make a joke. —Seth Meyers

“You can both hear a pin drop and see people who look like they just sat on a pin.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I know you are, but what am I? (He misspeaks in ways nobody ever thought possible)

President Trump gave a speech at a Georgia high school on Wednesday where he likened the state’s Democratic senator, Jon Ossoff, to “Pinky Herman,” an apparent reference to the iconic man-child character “Pee-wee Herman” created by the comic-actor Paul Reubens. In response, Jon Ossoff was like, [imitating Pee-wee Herman] ‘I know you are, but what am I?’. —Jimmy Fallon

“‘Pinky Herman’ sounds like the guy who ripped him off on the reflecting pool.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Trump said, [imitating Trump] ‘He’s one of the greats, but my all-time favorites are Mikey Mouse, and Sponge Boob was great.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“You got to give Trump credit: He misspeaks in ways nobody ever thought possible.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

some of the puddles actually consisted of water (studying history)

So, Nancy Pelosi's husband was charged with hit and run. If he's convicted, prosecutors say they're going for the harshest possible sentence, house arrest. —Greg Gutfeld

So, New York City is considering replacing the term inmate from jail language with person in custody. They're also planning to replace the term victim with person who carelessly bled all over a person in custody. —Greg Gutfeld 

And finally, a torrential summer storm flooded the Northeast. There was so much rain in New York City, some of the puddles actually consisted of water. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he says he was rushing to get in his stock trades under the wire (Huge Systemic Failure)

Paul Pelosi has received at least eight driving citations in the last decade since his recent hit and run, including speeding, going through red lights, DUI, and driving down a one-way street. His excuse, he says he was rushing to get in his stock trades under the wire. Good excuse. —Tom Shillue 

7-Eleven just announced plans to close 645 stores. Meanwhile, eBay and Facebook Marketplace are announcing great deals on dirty microwaves. —Tom Shillue 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In Paul’s defense he was running late for Happy Hour (making the Klingons pay for it)

Nancy Pelosi’s husband Paul is facing hit-and-run charges after crashing into a parked car and driving away. The impact was so violent Paul spilled his martini. —Tyrus 

The impact was so violent Paul lost all feeling in his face, just like Nancy. In Paul’s defense he was running late for Happy Hour. —Tyrus 

A former Elizabeth Warren staff member attended the Ayatollah’s funeral calling him one of the greatest leaders of her lifetime, which must show you how bad it is to work for Elizabeth Warren. —Tyrus 

There’s a secret tape of an invasion watch of 1952 Washington insiders that could be released soon. Trump responded by proposing a shield around the earth and making the Klingons pay for it. —Tyrus

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump's own personal kryptonite (Duck Season! Rabbit Season!)

Still recovering from yesterday’s Oval Office Battle Royale between Trump, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi and the corpse of Mike Pence. He looks fresh. They ice him down every night. He’s like salmon. Donald Trump is trying to put a positive spin on Donald Trump’s performance. But one person’s not buying that: that’s Donald Trump.

Because according to witnesses, Trump “Stormed out of the Oval Office and threw his briefing papers across the room.” Oh, No! Now how is he going to read his briefing? Witnesses say that Trump was mainly frustrated with Chuck Schumer saying that “His old sparring buddy got the better of him. Schumer had goaded him into it.” Schumer got Trump but using Trump's own personal kryptonite: Opening his mouth.

Trump said, “Chuck, you want to shut down the government.” Then Schumer said, No sir. You want to shut down the government.” Then Trump said, “Yes I do. Checkmate.” I have only seen negotiating that good one time before. It was between Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. “Rabbit Season! Duck Season! Rabbit Season! Rabbit Season! Duck Season!” Fire! --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded (Force The Vote)

"Dick Cheney went to see the Tom Hanks film 'Angels and Demons,' and through the whole movie he's screaming, 'Go Demons! Go Demons.'" --David Letterman

"In college, Dick Cheney went through a rebellious phase where he experimented with smiling." –David Letterman

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded."  –David Letterman

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie (It’s called Bronzer, Nancy and it’s not fooling anyone)

Nancy Pelosi said President Trump is involved in a coverup. It’s called Bronzer, Nancy and it’s not fooling anyone. --Stephen Colbert

A wild raccoon has moved into a German zoo and the zookeepers can’t expel it. Zookeepers say the raccoon “can expect free board and lodgings for life, because European Union rules forbid him from being released back into the wild.” But “He’ll have to be castrated.” And I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's the same design used to construct Nancy Pelosi's eyebrows (but an ironing board beat her to it)

 Taylor Swift has filed to trademark her voice and likeness in order to protect against AI misuse. She also wanted to trademark her ass, but an ironing board beat her to it. —Greg Gutfeld

So, the White House says they now have federal approval to build a 250 foot arch in Washington DC. And according to the Army Corps of Engineers, it's the same design used to construct Nancy Pelosi's eyebrows. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's time times like these that make me glad I'm already **** (a well informed examination)

Daryl Sheets, a star of the TV show Storage Wars, has died. Oh, Daryl. His last words. We'll get your locker right open, Mrs. Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

The White House Correspondents Association dinner erupted in chaos after a crazed gunman rushed to the security checkpoint and opened fire. The man was immediately grabbed, tackled to the ground, and offered his own prime time show on CNN. Good news though, Nancy Pelosi was safe as she was wearing a bulletproof face. When reached for comment, Joe Biden said, "It's time times like these that make me glad I'm already dead.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

No word on who gets custody of the Craftsman wrench set (What a bunch of overpaid losers)

Megan Rapinoe, soccer star, and basketball legend Sue Bird have split up. No word on who gets custody of the Craftsman wrench set. —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, the New York Mets have lost their 11th straight game. Now when New Yorkers scream, "What a bunch of overpaid losers," they aren't talking about Fox and Friends. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

right before they took her keys to her car (If only she could get close enough to her cake to blow out the candles)

The mayor of Jackson, Mississippi, signed a proclamation declaring Kamala Harris Day to honor all of her accomplishments. They're calling it Cinco de Drunko. Kamala was also awarded Jackson, Mississippi's key to the city, which was offered right before they took her keys to her car. —Greg Gutfeld

The House Oversight Committee is looking into how Ilhan Omar and her husband went from being nearly broke to having $30 million in just one year. But Omar credits her financial adviser, Nancy Pelosi. —Greg Gutfeld

Today is music icon Dolly Parton's 80th birthday. If only she could get close enough to her cake to blow out the candles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s called Bronzer, Nancy and it’s not fooling anyone (You would not believe the tater tots I have access to)

Nancy Pelosi said President Trump is involved in a coverup. It’s called Bronzer, Nancy and it’s not fooling anyone. --Stephen Colbert

Today, President Trump arrived in Rome. He’s so excited to finally meet Jude Law. “You look much older in person. You need to moisturize.” –Stephen Colbert

Apparently — this is being reported in the Washington Post — Trump was showing off for his guests telling the Russians: “I get great Intel. I have people brief me on great Intel every day.” Well, yeah. You’re the president. It’s the job. It’s like the guy working the fry station saying, “You would not believe the tater tots I have access to.” –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Four more beers (oldest evidence of sewn leather)

The oldest evidence of sewn leather was found in Oregon. The second oldest evidence of sewn leather was found on Nancy Pelosi’s face. —Greg Gutfeld

At a speech celebrating Black History Month, black people chanted at President Trump, “Four more years.” Meanwhile, somewhere at a pub, Kamala Harris yelled, "Four more beers.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If only she could get close enough to her cake to blow out the candles (Cinco de Drunko)

The mayor of Jackson, Mississippi, signed a proclamation declaring Kamala Harris Day to honor all of her accomplishments. They're calling it Cinco de Drunko. —Greg Gutfeld

The House Oversight Committee is looking into how Ilhan Omar and her husband went from being nearly broke to having $30 million in just one year. But she credits her financial adviser, Nancy Pelosi. —Greg Gutfeld

Today is music icon Dolly Parton's 80th birthday. If only she could get close enough to her cake to blow out the candles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she's been following Joe Biden for a very long time (and this bomb ass sense of humor)

Well, Nancy Pelosi appeared drunk at the memorial for Grateful Dead co-founder Bob Weir. In her defense, she's been following Joe Biden for a very long time. —Greg Gutfeld

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, which means the only federal institution open today would have been Bill Clinton's pants. Yeah, that never closes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's so conservative, he won't even shop at a store that has parking in the rear (hair salon surveillance)

“Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn't blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won't even shop at Dick's Sporting Goods. He wants mailmen to stop wearing those shorts. He's so conservative, he won't even shop at a store that has parking in the rear.” –Jay Leno

"Prescription medications have been discovered in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans. Or, as President Bush calls that, the Republican health care plan. You drink eight glasses of water a day, you get all your drugs. You see, again, I don't think President Bush understands this problem. Like today, he said, he read the report and was shocked to learn our tap water contains the chemical H2O." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Pretty sure they just want internet censorship (when the warranty on her face runs out)

 The ongoing government shutdown means TSA employees haven't been paid in 36 days. Yeah. So now they're just groping you for tips. —Greg Gutfeld   

Nancy Pelosi announced she will not seek re-election to Congress in 2026, which which coincidentally is when the warranty on her face runs out. —Greg Gutfeld 

Nancy Pelosi announced she wouldn't seek reelection, saying the Democrats need new blood. That was before adding that she also needs new blood. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Where are my replacement fingers? (mirrors)

In other news, a woman who ordered medicine by mail got a box of human fingers instead. In a related story, Nancy Pelosi asked, "Where are my replacement fingers?” —Greg Gutfeld  

And on Monday Nancy Pelosi said President Trump is quote the worst thing on the face of the earth. What's the second worst thing on earth according to Pelosi? You guessed it, mirrors. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”