And this is while he was campaigning. Apparently for the Democrats (have the Russians pay for it)

Trump, I got to tell you, this guy, he is a different kind of politician. Normally, the-- the president, when the gas prices are high, are like, "We're sorry, we're gonna do anything we can." Trump is like, "Stop your bitching." Really, he said it yesterday. He said, "It's a very inexpensive price for what we're getting done in Iran." And this is while he was campaigning. Apparently for the Democrats. —Bill Maher 

This is his attitude. Stop your bitching about all high prices, not just gas, beef, everything else that's high. He says, "Save your money somewhere else." Buy bargain brands, get your own snacks at the movies. If your son is getting remarried, have the Russians pay for it. —Bill Maher 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, here’s a positive story (Have you tried presidenting better?)

The hottest spot in D.C. has just changed their door policy, after President Trump barred CNN, MS NOW and Politico from the White House last Friday. The president revoked their press credentials, saying he was tired of reading their “negative stories” and calling them “fake news.” Have you tried presidenting better? — Jon Stewart 

“You could ban the press, or you could be a better [expletive] president.” — Jon Stewart

“I mean, give the press something to work with. Oh, here’s a positive story: ‘I never thought my car could take $140 worth of gas in such a small tank!’” — Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hold for booing (the Iran war championship T-shirt merch we had to throw away)

“Well, get this, last night during a speech in North Carolina, Trump said high gas prices are a ‘very inexpensive price to pay’ for the war. Then his teleprompter said, ‘Hold for booing.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“We’ve got a problem with diesel, and I mean the fuel source, not the brand of jeans worn exclusively by disgusting Europeans. And the cost is even more when you count all the military bases we have to repair, all the equipment we’ll have to fix, all the Iran war championship T-shirt merch we had to throw away.” — Michael Kosta

“I’m starting to think it’s bad that our entire economy is built on extracting oil from incredibly narrow waterways in the world’s most volatile region.” — Michael Kosta

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I want to tell you, occasions don't get more rare than that, ladies and gentlemen (a real manicure)

"Talking about presidents who smoked. You remember George W. Bush? Remember him? He's saying while he was president he would enjoy the occasional cigar. On a rare occasion, he would have a cigar because he said it helped him think. I want to tell you, occasions don't get more rare than that, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman

“Mitt Romney won in Michigan last night. It was certainly a close race — a real nail-biter or, in Romney's case, a real manicure.” –David Letterman

"Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

His signature dish is pan seared squirrel I ran over in my Lexus (Nancy Pelosi bought stock in Galoshes)

RFK Jr. is launching a new cooking show where he will prepare meals using the new dietary guidelines. It's called Where's my pet? His signature dish is pan seared squirrel I ran over in my Lexus. —Greg Gutfeld 

The explosive diarrhea parasite has now been detected in 45 states. In a totally unrelated story, Nancy Pelosi bought stock in Galoshes. —Greg Gutfeld 

Surveillance footage shows a mother in Georgia using a gas pump to thwart a gunman trying to abduct her child. I don't know who was crazier, the gunman or the woman willing to waste $4 gas. —Greg Gutfeld 

And finally, NASA has a powerful new telescope that's ready to launch. They plan to use it to look at faraway galaxies once they're done pointing it at Sydney Sweeney's bedroom window. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was so excited that he accelerated to 21 miles an hour (who can afford to waste gasoline like that?)

A 93 year old man may soon become a Guinness World Record holder for being the world’s oldest truck driver. He was so excited that he accelerated to 21 miles an hour. —Kat Timpf 

Citing security concerns, President Trump switched from the new Air Force One back to the original Air Force One. It was the first time Trump has ever traded in something new for something old. —Kat Timpf   

An Indiana man was arrested for arson after he cut off his penis, poured gasoline on it and then set it on fire in his families garage. Which raises the question, who can afford to waste gasoline like that? —Kat Timpf.  

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you not have a dad? (withstanding that shockwave is very underrated)

Democrat lawmakers are complaining that employers are not providing paid leave for women on their periods. Also complaining the male employees. —Greg Gutfeld 

Republicans remain confident for the midterms despite early indicators suggesting they might be in trouble. Senator Ted Cruz was interviewed this week and said he thought voters would care enough about supporting the war in Iran to forget both rising inflation and rising gas prices. You don’t think people care about high gas prices? Do you not have a dad? —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and it’s not even in the top 10 most embarrassing things to happen to you this week (extreme intelligence is not a medical term)

Things haven’t been going well for the president. Trump’s approval ratings have slipped to an all-time low, a judge ruled that Trump’s name had to be removed from the Kennedy Center and several artists are dropping out of Trump’s “state fair”. Imagine how badly things have to be going that the real Milli Vanilli publicly rejected you, and it’s not even in the top 10 most embarrassing things to happen to you this week. —Seth Meyers

Trump has been bragging about acing 4 straight “IQ” tests.  First of all, it’s a dementia test, not an IQ test. Second, ‘extreme intelligence’ is not a medical term. —Seth Meyers 

“This is the fundamental problem that Trump has faced his entire life. He brags about stuff that you wouldn’t have to brag about if the thing was actually true. You wouldn’t have to constantly insist to people that that you’re a big-brained genius if you actually were a genius. If everyone was walking around with affordable healthcare, cheap groceries and $2 gas, you could just sit back and spend the day picking drapes for your ballroom and applying concealer to your fucked-up Frankenstein hand. The president is using his office to enrich himself and his family, put his face on monuments and money, and set up a slush fund for his criminal supporters, all while waging a disastrous war that has made life harder for working Americans. There are lots of words you could use to describe it: ‘corrupt’, ‘incompetent’, ‘immoral’. But at the end of the day, there’s only one word that works best, and that’s the word ‘dumb’. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

so strong you won't be able to see straight (prom season)

The Supreme Court temporarily restored mail-order access to abortion pills, citing prom season. —Michael Che

President Trump dismissed weapons fire between the U.S. and Iran as a "love tap." He also called gas prices "gentle sodomy.” —Michael Che

FBI Director Kash Patel has reportedly been giving out bottles of his personalized whiskey to FBI staff. Kash Patel Whiskey -- so strong you won't be able to see straight. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump is now delivering twice what he promised (the aim is to get rid of all your cards)

Iran’s 14-point plan to end the war was submitted to the US this weekend. In response, Trump posted an image where he appeared to be holding a hand of playing cards accompanied by the caption: “I have all the cards.” This is cool, except you might notice that the cards Trump is holding are from the game Uno. Where, quite famously, the aim is to get rid of all your cards. —Stephen Colbert

The longer this war goes on, the worse things get for average consumers as crude oil is hitting record high prices. I’d say Iran has America over a barrel, but we can’t afford a barrel. Can we do this over a bucket? You’ve got to give it to President Trump. He campaigned on $2 gas and he’s now delivering twice what he promised. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the administration has unveiled a new name for the mission (the cost of owning thyself)

A new poll finds that Americans are overwhelmingly opposed to the Iran war and Trump’s plan to peacefully guide oil tankers through the strait of Hormuz. Oh wait, I’m getting word that the administration has unveiled a new name for the mission. Let’s see, what is it called: Operation Clusterf*ck. —Seth Meyers

A new Ipsos poll which showed Trump’s disapproval ratings at a record 62%, in large part due to gas prices rising $1.50 a gallon since the start of the Iran war. Trump’s disapproval is at an all-time high: higher than Covid and January 6 – a virus and a riot. But I just have a quick question for the 37% who approve [of Trump]. What’s your deal? I get that you’re Maga but what do you actually approve of? Is it worth it for you to pay high gas prices if it means liberals also pay high gas prices? Is that how much you want to own the libs – at the cost of owning thyself? —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s been blocked more times than Melania’s bedroom door (as high as half of our audience here right now)

Our whole lives, the strait of Hormuz has been so wide open, we didn’t even know it existed. We put Donald Trump in charge and in eight weeks, it’s been blocked more times than Melania’s bedroom door. —Jimmy Kimmel

Despite Trump’s claims otherwise, on Monday, the strait remained closed, and Trump was back to threatening annihilation, and the price of gas is as high as half of our audience here right now. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

little journeys are all anyone can afford to take now (drain a brother's bank account)

In his speech, President Trump referred to the war in Iran as a "little journey." Because little journeys are all anyone can afford to take now. —Michael Che

Experts have found that strong glute muscles can increase a person's lifespan... but also drain a brother's bank account. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the human centipede portion of the war (America’s first improv war)

This week marks a month of Donald Trump’s unauthorized war in Iran, and as we all know, one month is the elevated threat anniversary. Trump is threatening to escalate our bombing campaign unless Iran opens the strait that they closed in response to Trump’s bombing campaign. I believe we’ve entered what General Patton used to refer to as the ‘human centipede portion’ of the war. —Jon Stewart

Despite claiming that the war is won, Trump is reportedly threatening to send troops, giving the war “an erratic, make-it-up-as-you-go feel”, as the New York Times put it. Yes, it is officially America’s first improv war. —Stephen Colbert 

Thanks to Trump’s war in Iran gas prices are skyrocketing. Oil prices won’t come down until the strait of Hormuz is as open as Kristi Noem’s marriage. —Desi Lydic  

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

watch hungry women walk week (monthly marijuana use is up 333 percent)

Right now in New York it is Fashion Week, which is also known as “watch hungry women walk week.” Fashion Week, for those who aren't familiar, is the week that answers the question: How many emaciated teenagers will it take to convince someone to spend $10,000 on a dress? –Jimmy Kimmel

Among seniors 65 and older, monthly marijuana use is up 333 percent. That's just Willie Nelson. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

so many great things have happened so fast (sucking face)

And finally research suggests that exposure to micro-plastics can increase the risk of diabetes and stroke. So some are already advising against using plastic water bottles, food containers and sucking face with Nancy Pelosi. —Greg Gutfeld

Since January 20th so many great things have happened so fast. The borders have been closed, fugitives have been caught, egg and gas prices have plummeted and Rosie O'Donnell moved to Ireland. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He told him he'd bring him back a boomerang (Never travel with this guy)

 

"President Bush was in Austria yesterday. You know, I think he's confused. He's not good on geography. On his way to Austria, he told Dick Cheney he'd bring him back a boomerang." --Jay Leno

"The Federal Trade Commission said today they did not find any signs, no signs that the oil industry illegally manipulated gas prices. They also found no signs of steroid use in baseball, there was no gang activity in Los Angeles and Kenny Rogers had no plastic surgery whatsoever." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At least steal the couch! (Thor Three/Theriously?)

This week, a woman in Tennessee walked into her home and found two burglars having sex on her couch. When they tried to run away, she yelled, “At least steal the couch!” –Jimmy Fallon

The third movie in the “Thor” series is going to be called “Thor: Ragnarok.” Mainly because calling it “Thor Three” would give everyone a speech impediment. "Theriously?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What? We have potatoes? (a lot of people don't realize, the "J" stands for Jamal)

On the other side of the world, new details about Secretary of State Mike Pompeo's ill-fated trip to North Korea last week. Sources say the meeting went “as badly as it could have gone.” Pompeo was supposed to meet with Kim Jong Un, but got snubbed because now, according to North Korean state media, Kim Jong Un was busy visiting a potato farm. For real. Which caused a huge reaction in North Korea. They're like, “What? We have potatoes?” --Jimmy Kimmel

One of the things I've been enjoying most about the convention, almost everyone refers to him as Donald J. Trump, like there's another one running around. But I've thoroughly enjoyed everyone saying it. The "J" is a big thing. And a lot of people don't realize, the "J" stands for Jamal. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

THAT’S how you Make America Great Again! (Take a Wish Foundation)

Burger King has merged a Whopper with a burrito to make a Whopperito. So take note, Donald Trump: THAT’S how you Make America Great Again! –Conan O’Brien

A new report came out and it says that Donald Trump once shifted charitable donations for sick kids into his own business. Trump referred to the charity as the "Take a Wish Foundation." –Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, Kanye West talks about being bipolar. Kanye said sometimes he loves himself but other times, he really loves himself. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”