How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship? (urine samples)

In "Extant" Halle Berry plays an astronaut who mysteriously winds up pregnant after a space mission. The series will answer the question: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?—Craig Ferguson

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Doctors say his tail will grow back in no time (he's more like Bill)

James Carville made a video letting everyone know he's recovering from surgery. Doctors say his tail will grow back in no time. —Greg Gutfeld 

And finally, a portrait of President Trump made of horse poop has sold for $1,800 in Canada. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden's poop made into a horse sold for $18,000. —Greg Gutfeld  

CNN compared Abdul El-Sayed to Hillary Clinton. In reality, he's more like Bill since they both dream about being with 72 virgins. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the Sea Biscuit biscuit (the school's bake sale raised 40 million dollars)

"Congress may allow Americans to start selling horse meat for human consumption. When they heard the news, McDonald's unveiled their new breakfast offering, the Sea Biscuit biscuit." –Conan O'Brien

Here in New York federal agents busted a 12 million dollar marijuana operation that was operating across the street from a public school. Police became suspicious when the school's bake sale raised 40 million dollars. --Conan O’Brien 3/25/2005

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump approval rating roller coaster, which has the biggest drop in history (Horse, duck, stripy horse)

The Great American State Fair kicked off on the National Mall on Thursday. The fair has everything. There’s a giant Ferris wheel, there’s a carousel. They even have a Trump approval rating roller coaster, which has the biggest drop in history. —Jimmy Fallon

“And this is fun. They also hired Trump’s doctor to guess what you want your weight to be. ‘150? Sure.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“If that’s not all, they even have a petting zoo with some of the animals Trump named during his last cognitive test: ‘[imitating Trump] Horse, duck, stripy horse.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Congress is also putting together a time capsule to be buried and then opened in 50 years. So far, it includes an iPhone, an Apple wristwatch and Mitch McConnell.” — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the dude is almost 90 and his skin looks amazing (cult members)

A North Carolina woman celebrated her 100th birthday by asking a sheriff’s deputy to arrest her for the first time ever and take her to jail. No need to look it up. She’s white. —Michael Che

It was reported that as part of William Shatner’s divorce settlement from his ex-wife, he will gain custody of the couple’s supply of horse semen. Now, I don’t want to speculate on what he’s doing with all that horse semen, but the dude is almost 90 and his skin looks amazing. —Michael Che

NASA announced it is looking for people of diverse backgrounds to become astronauts for future missions to Mars. Good luck getting black people on a ship to a new world. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So for now, we just address him as Boy George (She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's book is out today. Arnold's book reveals

all the secrets he kept from his wife. That's why it's a million pages

long." –Craig Ferguson

"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And 100 points ahead in Old Mexico (but, weirdly, he left alone)

A new poll released today shows Hillary Clinton is 9 points ahead of Donald Trump in New Mexico. And 100 points ahead in Old Mexico. –Seth Meyers

A man in Texas last week rode his horse into a Taco Bell restaurant — but, weirdly, he left alone. –Seth Meyers

NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do with less--so the rich have more? (he did bring enough for everyone)

This weekend was the Kentucky Derby with Nyquist coming in first, Exaggerator coming in second, and — this is crazy — Jeb coming in last. –Seth Meyers

Police in Philadelphia are investigating after a 5-year-old boy walked into his preschool class holding about two dozen vials of crack cocaine. In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately though his forehead is still available for pickle ball (Welcome to my world)

To keep married men from cheating with her, an influencer sprays glitter on herself because it's hard to get off. In a related story, don't miss this exciting new book, How to Remove Pesky Glitter by Bill Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

Lester Holt is stepping down from NBC Nightly News. Unfortunately though his forehead is still available for pickle ball. —Greg Gutfeld

In England a horse was rescued after falling halfway through a wooden bridge. Welcome to my world said Joy Behar. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So You're Telling Me (Boy George)

"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She lost most of it betting on cockfights, but still — that's a lot! (frosted Cheerios)

I read that Queen Elizabeth has made nearly $9 million in

winnings from her race horses over the past 30 years. She lost

most of it betting on cockfights, but still — that's a lot!

–Jimmy Fallon

It was announced that Shaquille O’Neal is now the owner of a Krispy Kreme Doughnuts franchise in downtown Atlanta. They serve all kinds of doughnuts, or as Shaq calls them, “frosted Cheerios.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s so great to be back here in the town where I was built (weirdly, he left alone)

A new poll released today shows Hillary Clinton is 9 points ahead of Donald Trump in New Mexico. And 100 points ahead in Old Mexico. –Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton held fundraisers today in Silicon Valley. Said Hillary, “It’s so great to be back here in the town where I was built.” –Seth Meyers

A man in Texas last week rode his horse into a Taco Bell restaurant — but, weirdly, he left alone. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A Day Without Women (Betterluck Jonathan)

It's been reported that Britain's Queen Elizabeth has made over $9 million betting on horse racing. When asked to comment, Queen Elizabeth said, "That's nothing! I've won $20 million on dog fighting." --Conan O’Brien

 “Nigeria just held their election and their incumbent president, whose actual name is Goodluck Jonathan, lost the race. He was beaten by his rival, Betterluck Jonathan.” —Conan O’Brien

Tomorrow, there’s a protest across the country known as “A Day Without Women.” In fairness, I celebrated “A Day Without Women” all through my 20s. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

She lost most of it betting on cockfights, but still — that's a lot! (Girl Donald)

Today when he was talking to reporters, Donald Trump said he

has “one of the greatest memories of all time.” Then Trump said,

“And if you don’t believe me, ask my sons — Derek and Ron Jr.

And my daughter, Girl Donald.” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Queen Elizabeth has made nearly $9 million in winnings from her race horses over the past 30 years. She lost most of it betting on cockfights, but still — that's a lot! –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the dude is almost 90 and his skin looks amazing (the right crisis)

A North Carolina woman celebrated her 100th birthday by asking a sheriff’s deputy to arrest her for the first time ever and take her to jail. No need to look it up. She’s white. —Michael Che

It was reported that as part of William Shatner’s divorce settlement from his ex-wife, he will gain custody of the couple’s supply of horse semen. Now, I don’t want to speculate on what he’s doing with all that horse semen, but the dude is almost 90 and his skin looks amazing. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass! (Jedi Mime Trick)

"Well China, you got us. Michael Phelps was doping -- and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!" –Stephen Colbert

A lot of people are talking about Donald Trump and Russia now. And not just because of how much he resembles Russian dressing. –Stephen Colbert

"Like Sarah Palin, Rafalca's female, also doesn't read newspapers, and has completed the same number of terms as governor." –Stephen Colbert, on Ann Romney's horse that competed in the Olympic Dressage event

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I just hope they're able to get up for work tomorrow (It's a really slow-moving line)

"This royal baby is third in line for the throne. To which Prince Charles said, 'It's a really slow-moving line.'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter." –Jay Leno

"I understand there's a lot of celebrating going on at Buckingham Palace right now. I just hope they're able to get up for work tomorrow." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They open you up to the possibility that everything you know is wrong (Well how do you like that)

“A school in Virginia is returning a wallet to a woman 70 years after she lost it in a school gym. ‘Well how do you like that,’ said the black man still in jail for stealing it.” —Michael Che

“Pennsylvania police arrested a man who tried to rent a horse online so that he and his wife could have sex with the animal, but the man had no idea that the whole time he was actually chatting with a police horse.” —Michael Che

“A new album from R Kelly was removed from streaming sites several hours after being uploaded, and it was not easy to remove his streams, said the maid who cleaned his couch.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

This is no accident - it's capitalism (amazingly no one was rear-ended)

“A brand of peanut butter is being sold called Steam which contains more caffeine than a Red Bull. It’s perfect for that creep who wants that dog to just go to town down there.” —Michael Che

“A video has been posted of a porn star and her boyfriend having sex in a Tesla while it was driving an autopilot and amazingly no one was rear-ended.” —Michael Che

“A man on an African safari fell off a horse while being chased by a lion. ‘Well that was a close one,’ said the horse.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you fellows play sportball? (Didn't I fire your father?)

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Mitt Romney Begins

Conversations With Teens"

10. "How's puberty going?" 

9. "Where do you summer?" 

8. "Do you fellows play sportball?" 

7. "Nice shirt — you know, my friend owns the Gap" 

6. "You teens are just the right height" 

5. "Check out my sick Windsor knot" 

4. "Would you like to see my dancing horse?" 

3. "Raise the roof if your municipal bonds have reached maturity" 

2. Just like this: (video of Mitt saying "Who let the dogs out?") 

1. "Didn't I fire your father?"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”