What if someone under the age of 60 was watching? (that one is the most that never happened)

President Trump has also been claiming that Iran has been begging him to take a deal, saying that he was called up and asked to please stop the ongoing attacks. Of all the conversations that never happened that one is the most that never happened. —Seth Meyers 

“During an interview today with Fox News, President Trump said that he is planning to ‘beat the [expletive] [expletive] out of’ Iran. Hey, you can’t use that kind of language on Fox News. What if someone under the age of 60 was watching?” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

"Well, it could have been worse," said Johnny Depp (surprise missile attack)

After the surprise missile attack Tuesday night, President Trump said, "We are going to beat the effing crap out of Iran." He plans on accomplishing this by dropping Taco Bell lettuce. —Greg Gutfeld 

Gavin Newsom's ex-mistress admits that she wet the bed on their first night together. "Well, it could have been worse," said Johnny Depp. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Normally I’d say don’t quit your day job but in this case... (the hoax of Trickle Down economics)

There was a hydration break in the war between US and Iran with a second straight day of peace. President Trump decided to stop bombing the strait of Hormuz and to start bombing at the White House correspondents dinner. —Jon Stewart

The president’s performance at the annual event had been widely criticized for being awkward and unfunny. Normally I’d say don’t quit your day job but in this case … I will make an exception. —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two (I don’t want to eat the troops)

“Some have criticized the police for pepper spraying a pregnant

woman, but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two.”

–Stephen Colbert

President Trump was asked why he hasn’t visited our troops serving

in war zones in Iraq and Afghanistan in the two years he’s been in

office. “There are things that are planned but I can’t talk about them,

because I don’t know what they are. And when they try and explain

them to me I get bored. And when I’m bored, I get angry. And when

I get angry, I get hungry. And when I’m hungry, everybody I look at

begins to look like a chicken, and I don’t want to eat the troops.”

--Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They flare up at the most inopportune times (That’s money that could be used to launch giant p****es into space)

But when it comes to Donald Trump, a former senior White House official says, “He’s never been interested in going to visit troops in war zones. He’s afraid of those situations.” Stephen Colbert as Trump, “I’m ready to visit the troops. Oh! Oh! These damn bone spurs! You know what they say? They flare up at the most inopportune times.” --Stephen Colbert

“Of course, the pandemic has exacerbated our pre-existing condition of extremely rich people. A Bloomberg report on super-yacht charters, reports yacht charters are up over 340%. This is disgusting. At a time of dire need, the ultra-rich shouldn’t be blowing their money on boats. That’s money that could be used to launch giant penises into space.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's our job to do the exact opposite (so it’s three pages)

On Wednesday, former President Joe Biden announced that he had written a new memoir about his time in office, “Promise Me, America,” which is set to be published on Nov. 17. It’s the second book Biden has written. The first was ‘The Odyssey.’ The book was written by a ghostwriter, Joe Biden. — Jimmy Fallon

“The book is about what Biden remembers from his presidency, so it’s three pages.” — Jimmy Fallon

“It’s kind of a strange book because toward the end it starts being written by Kamala Harris.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ll be honest, I’m starting to regret voting for him three times (It’s a whole different person!)

“Remember when Trump said that this was a little excursion in Iran was just going to last a few weeks? That was four months ago. I’ll be honest, I’m starting to regret voting for him three times.” —Ike Barinholtz 

The big political story today is that we officially have a replacement for Lindsey Graham in the Senate, and it’s Lindsey Graham’s sister, which is very confusing because I always thought Lindsey Graham was Lindsey Graham’s sister. It’s a whole different person! —Ike Barinholtz 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It has also been hired as the newest correspondent on 60 Minutes (It was supposed to be my war with Russia!)

The largest complete T Rex skeleton just sold at auction and it’s 67 million years old. It has also been hired as the newest correspondent on 60 Minutes. —Tom Shillue 

A Florida man is being ordered to undergo a psychosexual evaluation after being caught having sex with the vacuum cleaner, even worse he was cheating on his blender at the time. —Tom Shillue. 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I always buy store-brand ketchup (Is this about that speeding ticket?)

"Mitt Romney is worth $250 million. I saw him interviewed and they said, 'Mitt, how did you get so much money?" He said, "You know what? I always buy store-brand ketchup.'" –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, 'Is this about that speeding ticket?'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only person I would trust less with this technology is Anthony Weiner (counting/sarcasm)

The bad news is, starting Jan. 20, Donald Trump can send unlockable mass text messages to the entire nation. Yes, President Trump will be able to send text messages to every phone in the nation. The only person I would trust less with this technology is Anthony Weiner. –Stephen Colbert

"Folks, I'm no fan of 'Sesame Street.' They expose our children to dangerous liberal ideas like befriending the homeless, two men sleeping in the same bedroom and counting." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what? Go ahead and use your hands (a regressive corporatist warlord)

"There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, 'You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka said that her father loves eating at McDonald's. It makes sense, considering the “McFlurry” is also what Trump asks for when he goes to the barber. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was so excited that he accelerated to 21 miles an hour (who can afford to waste gasoline like that?)

A 93 year old man may soon become a Guinness World Record holder for being the world’s oldest truck driver. He was so excited that he accelerated to 21 miles an hour. —Kat Timpf 

Citing security concerns, President Trump switched from the new Air Force One back to the original Air Force One. It was the first time Trump has ever traded in something new for something old. —Kat Timpf   

An Indiana man was arrested for arson after he cut off his penis, poured gasoline on it and then set it on fire in his families garage. Which raises the question, who can afford to waste gasoline like that? —Kat Timpf.  

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Belgians took the red card we canceled and shoved it up our goal post (This is the worst thing a person pardoned by Trump has ever done)

“And if you’re thinking Trump interfering with the World Cup is corrupt, well, [expletive] yeah, it is! Because that’s America’s style of play. You think we’re going to obey soccer rules? We don’t even listen to the Geneva Convention.” — Ronny Chieng

“4-1? Balogun, get the [expletive] out of my country, all right? This is the worst thing a person pardoned by Trump has ever done.” — Ronny Chieng, referring to the final score of the U.S.-Belgium match.

“4-1! For those Americans watching at home who don’t understand soccer, 4-1 is a humiliating score, OK? The Belgians took the red card we canceled and shoved it up our goal post.” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We totally caught ourselves by surprise (all of them orange)

“But meanwhile, this U.S. exit from Syria was so sudden and hasty, we actually had to bomb one of our own bases to destroy the ammunition that was left behind. Thanks to Donald Trump, our genius commander in chief, the U.S. military is now bombing itself. And it was a success, too. We totally caught ourselves by surprise.” --Jimmy Kimmel

A calcium score over 100 indicates a high risk of heart attack or heart disease within three to five years. Trump’s number is 133, but his doctor says he’s in excellent health. Claims he passed a cognitive test with flying colors — all of them orange. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment (The cost to end world hunger)

"I'm sure you have heard by now, Bill Clinton is looking for 25 interns to work at his library. I was thinking about that, could you fit 25 interns of them in his library? Clinton says that anyone he hires must be good on the computer, good on the coffee table, good on top of the copy machine." --Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid said when her son was told that Schwarzenegger was his father he said 'cool.' It was a big improvement. Up to this point, the kid thought his father was Jean-Claude Van Damme." –Jay Leno

 

"I'm surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions (This might solve the puzzle)

"It's basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions." –Jon Stewart on the Bush Presidential Library

"I guess that's better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater." –Jon Stewart on the "Decision Points Theater" exhibit at the Bush Presidential Library

"Lebanon. Our president, President Bush, has rejected calls for an immediate cease-fire on the grounds that he'd prefer a 'sustainable cease-fire.' It makes sense. He doesn't want the killing to stop until he's sure it will stop. So, there will be more killing until the president's convinced that there will be no more killing. Or everyone else runs out of people." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m celibate, this is all I have (it’s going to be awkward the next time Jameson and Streep do a movie together)

Over the weekend, Pope Francis gave his support to a woman who was publicly breastfeeding. The Pope defended himself saying, "I’m celibate, this is all I have." –Conan O’Brien

On Twitter, porn actress Jenna Jameson bashed Meryl Streep for her Golden Globe speech. Wow, it’s going to be awkward the next time Jameson and Streep do a movie together. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

“I’m on my way!!,” said R. Kelly (you're probably not big on warnings)

According to CNN, over 800 people in Central Florida were stung by jellyfish this week. “I’m on my way!!” said R. Kelly. --Seth Meyers

Authorities are warning people to avoid swimming in some New Jersey rivers because of increased numbers of so-called clinging jellyfish. Though if you're swimming in New Jersey rivers, you're probably not big on warnings. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too (a Hummer limo powered by baby seals)

"Tony Hayward didn't take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He's great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up." –Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama is not the only one on the hot seat right now. The CEO of BP is taking a lot of flak. His name is Tony Hayward. Today, President Obama had a meeting with Hayward at the White House. It got off to the wrong start. Hayward arrived in a Hummer limo powered by baby seals." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season (Boy, you think you know somebody)

"The SEAL Team 6 broke into his compound and Osama bin Laden never knew what hit him. It's like a Kardashian husband." –David Letterman

I did some historical research today. Adolf Hitler, it turns out, was delinquent in his income taxes. He owed over $3 million in taxes. Boy, you think you know somebody. –David Letterman

"Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”