See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way? (Just Like that)

"Pope Francis is considering repealing celibacy for priests. Priests will no longer have to take a vow of celibacy. See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way?" –David Letterman

"If you are attending this campaign cookout in Iowa, please, this is sort of like the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Do not get between governor Christie and the potato salad." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he says he was rushing to get in his stock trades under the wire (Huge Systemic Failure)

Paul Pelosi has received at least eight driving citations in the last decade since his recent hit and run, including speeding, going through red lights, DUI, and driving down a one-way street. His excuse, he says he was rushing to get in his stock trades under the wire. Good excuse. —Tom Shillue 

7-Eleven just announced plans to close 645 stores. Meanwhile, eBay and Facebook Marketplace are announcing great deals on dirty microwaves. —Tom Shillue 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I call it a Christmas Miracle (if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well)

A chocolate factory in Germany recently experienced a storage tank malfunction that resulted in one ton of chocolate spilling onto the street. And the cool weather caused the chocolate to immediately solidify on the pavement, where it had to be removed by firefighters. People are calling this an industrial accident. I call it a Christmas Miracle. --James Corden

Today, the stock market hit an all-time high. Which is great news, because if there's one thing we've learned over the past decade it’s that if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I didn’t know she gave speeches (I just bagged Catherine Zeta-Jones)

Michael Douglas met with lawmakers and he urged the United States and Russia to reduce their stockpiles of nuclear weapons. Apparently Douglas pleaded by saying it is more important than ever that we don't destroy the planet because I just bagged Catherine Zeta-Jones. --Conan O’Brien 3/22/2000

According to Forbes magazine, in the past year Taylor Swift has earned $170 million. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, "I didn’t know she gave speeches." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's already there, it's called Congress (and five senators fell out)

"A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president." --Jay Leno

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno  6/13/2011

"Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five senators fell out." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen (garage sales)

"This has become quite a story; the Washington Post reported that Mitt Romney, while in high school, bullied a gay classmate. Did you hear about this story? In his defense, Romney said that he didn't know the kid was gay; he just thought he was poor." –Jay Leno

"And a New York City auction house is having something unusual. It's selling a large variety of torture devices dating from the 16th century. A bunch of torture devices. The whole thing looks like a Dick Cheney garage sale." --Jay Leno

"The stock market took a dive today. It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How would you like it if I signed your … subpoenas? (backhanded compliments)

President Trump visited Elvis Presley’s Graceland mansion in Memphis, Tennessee, where he signed a guitar with a Sharpie. “I’m sorry, you can’t sign someone else’s guitar. How would you like it if I signed your … subpoenas?” —Seth Meyers

At a roundtable event while he was in Memphis, Trump praised the FBI director, Kash Patel, and said: “Once you get to know him, he’s a wonderful guy.” Man, Trump is the master of the backhanded compliment. [Meyers as Trump]: “Kash Patel, when you first meet him, he’s the worst, just awful, but then you get used to him, you know like when you break your arm and have to wear a cast.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

By Mistake (you're one president too late)

"Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late." –David Letterman

"HBO is running a documentary about the election of Barack Obama called 'By the People.' It's all about the election of Barack Obama and after this they have a series, after this, about Barack Obama, they have a documentary about the election of George W. Bush. It's called, 'By Mistake.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This system isn't meant for us (marijuana was just legalized here in California so, you know)

Archaeologists in South Africa have discovered what they say is the world's oldest drawing. Experts think the crude, simple drawing on a rock was created more than 70,000 years ago. And probably during the world's first extremely boring work meeting. While a bunch of starving cavemen were off fighting a saber-toothed tiger, one guy was like, "Hey is it cool if I take a personal day to hang back and work on my art?" The rock features the world's oldest known drawing found on a stone. This is historic, because it's the first time that "rock," "oldest" and "stone" have been used in the same sentence without mentioning Mick Jagger. --James Corden

This is our first show of the New Year after the holidays. We’re very happy to be back. We actually would have come back last week but marijuana was just legalized here in California so, you know. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, it turns out he isn't. I know, I was surprised, too (Old White Monday)

"The Dow fell 504 points yesterday. I'll be honest, I have no idea what that means, but apparently it's really bad. On Wall Street they were calling it Black Monday. And John McCain was quick to point out it was Black Monday, not Old White Monday." –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump did not seem to know all the words to the national anthem. But there might be a good explanation for it. You know how the president keeps telling us he's a genius? Well, it turns out he isn't. I know, I was surprised, too. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one (Nope — just butts)

A Harvard psychologist who studies dreams recently said that dogs likely dream of our faces, our scents, and trying to please us. Then the dogs said, "Nope — just butts." –Jimmy Fallon

"Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, 'Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The dolphins around Japan just cannot catch a break (Finally, a candidate who speaks to the heartland)

North Korea may soon have the technology to nuke countries other than their own because last month they tested a submarine-based missile called the "No Dong." The missile flew 300 miles before falling into the Sea of Japan. Man! The dolphins around Japan just cannot catch a break. –Stephen Colbert

“In addition to potentially attracting women and minority voters, Kamala Harris clicks with some big-money donors, too. Apparently, Wall Street is happy, Silicon Valley is happy, and Hollywood is fired up. Finally, a candidate who speaks to the heartland.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever (It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen)

"Well, let's see. I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever." –Jay Leno

"The stock market took a dive today. It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What Epstein file did they release now? (What a united nation looks like)

Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy and Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a press event on Monday where they promoted their idea to develop fitness stations at American airports. You think people want to work out in transit at the airport? Everyone at the airport is already exhausted from traveling, all right? We can’t even walk to the gate. They had to invent floors that walk for us. — Ronny Chieng

“It was so cold in New York City this morning walking to work, I saw a Wall Street stockbroker spooning with Zohran Mamdani.” — Jimmy Fallon

“It was the kind of weather today that makes you wish you were someplace tropical, like on a boat in the Caribbean, but not near Venezuela.” — Stephen Colbert

“Yeah, at first when Trump heard it dipped into the teens, he was like, ‘What Epstein file did they release now?’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Eighty down in Zucotti Park; Wall Street executives arrested: Zero. (Ich bin ein water boarder/What a waste)

"The Berlin Wall, very famous. That's where Dick Cheney delivered his famous line, 'Ich bin ein water boarder.'" –David Letterman

"They had a midnight raid and they cleaned out Zucotti Park where the Occupy Wall Streeters were camped out for about two months. So if you're keeping score, here's what the score is now: Eighty down in Zucotti Park; Wall Street executives arrested: Zero." –David Letterman

"New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's a New York Times? (under a pile of $8 billion)

The New York Times published a quote calling millennials lazy, narcissistic, and obsessed with social media. Meanwhile, millennials have called The New York Times, “What's a 'New York Times?’” –Conan O’Brien

"The stock market is going crazy. Earlier this week, Warren Buffett lost $2 billion. Luckily, Buffett found it this morning under a pile of $8 billion." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is it … is it with his neck? (capitalism runs on blood)

“Republicans are refusing to cut a deal with the Democrats to fund health care, and they’re also refusing to do other parts of their job, like swearing in Representative-elect Adelita Grijalva, who won a special election in Arizona almost a month ago. Speaker Mike Johnson says he won’t swear her in until the House is back in session, after the government shutdown ends. Nope! Those two things have nothing to do with each other. That’s like saying, ‘Hey, man, I’d love to come to your child’s clarinet recital, but, ya know, Toyotathon.’” — Stephen Colbert

“Today we got a hum-doozy of a dinger because the R.N.C. chair spilled on the wild way Trump eats his McDonald’s order. So — not by mouth? Is it … is it with his neck?” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You never put that stuff in writing (Limo was the name of her waxer)

According to FEC filings, Rashida Tlaib spent $35,000 on limo services. Turns out Limo was the name of her waxer. —Greg Gutfeld

Democrat Virginia AG candidate Jay Jones says he's deeply sorry about the text he sent wishing murder on his opponent. But Hillary Clinton told him that was just a rookie mistake. You never put that stuff in writing. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done (I hate this game)

"Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler

"This week President Bush's approval rating hit an all-time low of 34%. To improve this rating, the administration is going to adopt an adorable and precocious little black kid." --Amy Poehler

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sorry, you're a hypocrite (They call them 'campaign contributions.')

"According to a new report, British Petroleum has the worst safety record of all the oil companies. They've paid over $372 million in fines. Oh, they don't call them fines. They call them 'campaign contributions.'" –Jay Leno

"BP is now saying they've captured anywhere from 35 percent to 75 percent of the oil that is gushing out of the well. Of course, you've got to keep in mind they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time." –Jay Leno

"BP, which of course stands for 'Born Polluted,' is spending $50 million on a PR campaign to make themselves look good. In fact, they said they would burn the midnight oil if they hadn't spilled it." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”