his recent weight gain poses a significant health risk (The Hut)

“Speaking of Trump, The Washington Post suggests that his recent weight gain poses a significant health risk noting that Joe Biden kept his trim figure through a daily regimen of [expletive] his pants.” — Greg Gutfeld

“Pizza Hut has announced that they are shortening their name at least temporarily to ‘Hut.’ Meanwhile, Taco Bell is shortening its name to diarrhea.” — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I always buy store-brand ketchup (Is this about that speeding ticket?)

"Mitt Romney is worth $250 million. I saw him interviewed and they said, 'Mitt, how did you get so much money?" He said, "You know what? I always buy store-brand ketchup.'" –David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, 'Is this about that speeding ticket?'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was so excited that he accelerated to 21 miles an hour (who can afford to waste gasoline like that?)

A 93 year old man may soon become a Guinness World Record holder for being the world’s oldest truck driver. He was so excited that he accelerated to 21 miles an hour. —Kat Timpf 

Citing security concerns, President Trump switched from the new Air Force One back to the original Air Force One. It was the first time Trump has ever traded in something new for something old. —Kat Timpf   

An Indiana man was arrested for arson after he cut off his penis, poured gasoline on it and then set it on fire in his families garage. Which raises the question, who can afford to waste gasoline like that? —Kat Timpf.  

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Belgians took the red card we canceled and shoved it up our goal post (This is the worst thing a person pardoned by Trump has ever done)

“And if you’re thinking Trump interfering with the World Cup is corrupt, well, [expletive] yeah, it is! Because that’s America’s style of play. You think we’re going to obey soccer rules? We don’t even listen to the Geneva Convention.” — Ronny Chieng

“4-1? Balogun, get the [expletive] out of my country, all right? This is the worst thing a person pardoned by Trump has ever done.” — Ronny Chieng, referring to the final score of the U.S.-Belgium match.

“4-1! For those Americans watching at home who don’t understand soccer, 4-1 is a humiliating score, OK? The Belgians took the red card we canceled and shoved it up our goal post.” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment (The cost to end world hunger)

"I'm sure you have heard by now, Bill Clinton is looking for 25 interns to work at his library. I was thinking about that, could you fit 25 interns of them in his library? Clinton says that anyone he hires must be good on the computer, good on the coffee table, good on top of the copy machine." --Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid said when her son was told that Schwarzenegger was his father he said 'cool.' It was a big improvement. Up to this point, the kid thought his father was Jean-Claude Van Damme." –Jay Leno

 

"I'm surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump's own personal kryptonite (Duck Season! Rabbit Season!)

Still recovering from yesterday’s Oval Office Battle Royale between Trump, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi and the corpse of Mike Pence. He looks fresh. They ice him down every night. He’s like salmon. Donald Trump is trying to put a positive spin on Donald Trump’s performance. But one person’s not buying that: that’s Donald Trump.

Because according to witnesses, Trump “Stormed out of the Oval Office and threw his briefing papers across the room.” Oh, No! Now how is he going to read his briefing? Witnesses say that Trump was mainly frustrated with Chuck Schumer saying that “His old sparring buddy got the better of him. Schumer had goaded him into it.” Schumer got Trump but using Trump's own personal kryptonite: Opening his mouth.

Trump said, “Chuck, you want to shut down the government.” Then Schumer said, No sir. You want to shut down the government.” Then Trump said, “Yes I do. Checkmate.” I have only seen negotiating that good one time before. It was between Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. “Rabbit Season! Duck Season! Rabbit Season! Rabbit Season! Duck Season!” Fire! --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, you can either watch people who suffer from head injuries or the UFC (Jokes on you)

No Kings announced they're holding a protest concert with Bette Midler, Joy Reed, and Jane Fonda on the same night as the White House UFC event. So, you can either watch people who suffer from head injuries or the UFC. —Greg Gutfeld

During a live taping of The View, Whoopi Goldberg mistook an audience member for Barack Obama. I know. When in fact it was Michelle Obama. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's already there, it's called Congress (and five senators fell out)

"A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president." --Jay Leno

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno  6/13/2011

"Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five senators fell out." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How long does it take to conduct a sobriety test? (That's how the Sopranos ended)

So what was in the DNC Autopsy report? Well, it pretty much blamed Biden's allies for not supporting Kamala Harris enough before she took over and complains there wasn't enough research done to help her. Research? How long does it take to conduct a sobriety test? —Tom Shillue

There was nothing in the autopsy report about the Biden debate with Trump or Kamala not winning a primary. In other words, it's an autopsy without listing the cause of death. That's not an autopsy. That's how the Sopranos ended. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why are you being so polite? (Now we'll never be able to screw that light bulb in)

Spencer Pratt revealed that if he's elected, he will turn the 19 room mayor's mansion into housing for single mothers. After hearing this, Bill Clinton volunteered to be in his cabinet. —Tom Shillue

Poland was alarmed by reports the Pentagon may cancel plans to deploy 4,000 troops there. A Polish spokesman said, "Now we'll never be able to screw that light bulb in.” —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fairly simple thing that happens to work (What neither of them care about is you)

"What the government wants is control. What the corporate world wants is money. What both of them want is power. What neither of them care about is you." --Russell Brand

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When events happen, we’re at most one country away (Oh, I can explain: he lies)

While many members of the press were there to cover Trump’s China visit, a CBS journalist failed to get a visa in time and had to cover from Taiwan instead. This fits into the CBS slogan: “When events happen, we’re at most one country away.” —Stephen Colbert

This week, it was reported that Iran is much stronger than Trump claims. Oh, I can explain: he lies. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

using the same exact technique they employed to get Joy Behar out of an Uber (it may have something to do with surprising a bear)

A tow truck driver has gone viral for rescuing a moose that was stuck in the ice. Evidently, he had practice using the same exact technique they employed to get Joy Behar out of an Uber. —Greg Gutfeld

Authorities aren't sure why a hiker was killed in a surprise encounter with a bear, though it may have something to do with surprising a bear. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

the current estimate for the war in Iran is $25 billion -- a gallon (What are we bombing them with, White House ballrooms?)

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, seen here right after the bartender cut him off...testified before Congress, where he revealed that the current estimate for the war in Iran is $25 billion -- a gallon. —Colin Jost

Also, how has the war already cost $25 billion? What are we bombing them with, White House ballrooms? —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What can you say? The man loves to dance (it will assess how many Wendy’s tendies you can fit in your mouth)

“Originally President Trump said his ballroom would cost $200m, and it would be financed by private donors. Then the price tag doubled to $400m, which he said would still be paid for by private donors. Then yesterday, Republicans in the Senate pushed a bill that was allocate a billion dollars of taxpayer money to to go towards this project. According to the judiciary committee, the increased funds would be used to heighten security in the wake of the recent shooting at the White House correspondents’ dinner. A billion dollars for a ballroom. What can you say? The man loves to dance.” —Jimmy Kimmel

There is news that Trump will be bringing back the presidential fitness test, which had previously been nixed during the Obama administration. He wants kids to get in shape. Trump said, ‘If they don’t get in shape, they’ll never be able to marry a wealthy businessman.’ While the test used to judge fitness based on how many sit-ups you could do, now it will assess how many Wendy’s tendies you can fit in your mouth. Only Donald Trump would bring back a test that he has no chance of passing. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She’s my favorite Teenage Witch (the best episode of Maury Povich EVER)

The Russia investigation is heating up. I saw that if Trump’s lawyers don’t agree to a sit-down interview with Robert Mueller, he’ll issue a subpoena. Trump was like, “No problem, I love Subpoena. She’s my favorite Teenage Witch.” --Jimmy Fallon

"Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people." –Jimmy Fallon

"Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, the best episode of Maury Povich EVER." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Though, I do have suspicions this elixir of immortality may not work (So, obviously it’s not a soft drink)

Meanwhile in Zambia an energy drink has been banned after it was 

found to contain viagra. So, obviously it’s not a soft drink. 

--Stephen Colbert

Archaeologists have uncovered an elixir of immortality in a 2000 

year old Chinese tomb. Though, I do have suspicions this elixir of 

immortality may not work. First hint? They found it in a tomb. 

--Stephen Colbert

 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s been blocked more times than Melania’s bedroom door (as high as half of our audience here right now)

Our whole lives, the strait of Hormuz has been so wide open, we didn’t even know it existed. We put Donald Trump in charge and in eight weeks, it’s been blocked more times than Melania’s bedroom door. —Jimmy Kimmel

Despite Trump’s claims otherwise, on Monday, the strait remained closed, and Trump was back to threatening annihilation, and the price of gas is as high as half of our audience here right now. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My estate better make sure that the Jonas Brothers are banned from my funeral (they should come over later)

 

Starting in December, eligible men aged 18 to 25 will automatically be registered for the draft. As for women aged 18 to 25, they should come over later. —Greg Gutfeld        

Two women in Mexico were filmed fighting over a coffin after reportedly learning that they both dated the deceased man. Well, that reminds me. My estate better make sure that the Jonas Brothers are banned from my funeral. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”

Things you were probably doing already (Sup, doc?)

"The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Last week near the Texas/Mexico border, authorities say they found a shipment of over a ton of marijuana that was disguised to look like carrots. Which explains why Bugs Bunny is now like, "Sup, doc?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”