Oh, here’s a positive story (Have you tried presidenting better?)

The hottest spot in D.C. has just changed their door policy, after President Trump barred CNN, MS NOW and Politico from the White House last Friday. The president revoked their press credentials, saying he was tired of reading their “negative stories” and calling them “fake news.” Have you tried presidenting better? — Jon Stewart 

“You could ban the press, or you could be a better [expletive] president.” — Jon Stewart

“I mean, give the press something to work with. Oh, here’s a positive story: ‘I never thought my car could take $140 worth of gas in such a small tank!’” — Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is that pie? (feeling fresh before a hijacking)

Dallas Fort Worth International Airport will install Islamic foot washes inside their restrooms. It's all part of a bigger plan to make al-Qaeda members feel fresh before a hijacking. —Greg Gutfeld 

A pervert at Planet Fitness secretly filmed dozens of naked women while they were using the tanning beds. That's fake news. It was Gold's gym and I'm not a pervert. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I thought we were going to work this ‘oot (I haven’t decided which plane I’m taking)

President Trump signed orders on Monday imposing a 50 percent tariff on Canadian goods imported into the U.S. OK, now what are we taxing ourselves to punish Canada for? Fighting again with Canada? I thought we were going to work this ‘oot.’” — Desi Lydic

Trump is threatening further tariffs on Canada for the smoke coming into the U.S. from their wildfires. Are you sure you want America to set a precedent for paying for pollution? I feel like your pals at Pesticide Microplastic Death Diarrhea Lettuce Inc. might have other ideas. — Desi Lydic

“I love how he’s discovering climate change while standing next to his idling jet: ‘Something is causing this, and we have got to get to the bottom of it. Keep the engine running guys, all of ‘em. I haven’t decided which plane I’m taking.’” — Desi Lydic

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because you’re not doing too good, either (Iranians, Ukrainians and comedians)

Donald Trump posted on Truth Social: “When is ABC Fake News Network firing seriously unfunny Jimmy Kimmel, who incompetently presides over one of the Lowest Rated shows on Television? People are angry. It better be soon!!! President DJT” Or what? If incompetently presiding over not just one of but the lowest rating in history is the reason I should be fired, we should both be out of a job. Because you’re not doing too good, either. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Isn’t there a war dragging on? Imagine if FDR had taken to the airwaves during the Battle of the Bulge to complain about a little orphan Annie comic strip that he didn’t like. Trump has three wars going on right now – Iranians, Ukrainians and comedians.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Our citizens should know the urgent facts (acts of heroism at the White House correspondents dinner)

So, we're hearing more about acts of heroism at the White House correspondents dinner and it's pretty inspirational stuff. Brian Stelter used his body to shield a crabcake. Chuck Schumer attempted to bore the gunman to death. Kamala Harris escorted the bartender to safety. Bill Clinton offered to pat down any suspicious interns. Mitch McConnell stayed hidden in his shell and Joe Biden played dead. —Tom Shillue

A California woman escaped being kidnapped by texting 911 from a gas station bathroom. People are calling her brave for using a gas station bathroom. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

The mainstream media aligns itself with power against the common man (ours has been seen wandering on a highway overpass)

The spacecraft Artemis II is now on its way home. That’s great, glad to hear that everything is working out, but how do I put this, fellas … not a great time to return to Earth. You might want to take a couple laps around the parking lot, till the explosions stop. —Stephen Colbert

The spaceship made it 252,756 miles from Earth – or, as the New York Times put it, the length of 728 million dachshunds, put nose-to-tail. Man, Americans will do anything to not use the metric system. —Stephen Colbert

And then there was Donald Trump’s ominous Tuesday morning post, in which he claimed that “a whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again”. OK, that is very upsetting by any measure. But I also want to point out that he doesn’t say which civilization will die tonight. Because ours has been seen wandering on a highway overpass. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yes, that's who undermined the American medical system (Pam Bondi is a Great American Patriot)

Just a few hours ago we learnt that President Trump fired Attorney General Pam Bondi. Bondi lost her job because Trump was reportedly upset over her handling of the said files, a dark cloud which still hangs over his administration. As Trump wrote on Truth Social: "Pam Bondi is a Great American Patriot and a loyal friend, who faithfully served as my Attorney General over the past year. Pam did a tremendous job overseeing a massive crackdown in Crime across our Country, with Murders plummeting to their lowest level since 1900. 

We love Pam, and she will be transitioning to a much needed and important new job in the private sector, to be announced at a date in the near future." [Colbert as Trump] “It’s a much-needed job at a very important farm upstate. There’ll be lots of room for her to run around. Unfortunately, we can’t go visit her. Now let’s go to the strip mall and get you a new attorney general, buddy.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore: New York Times ADMITS Iran Protests Were Engineered By MOSSAD!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I didn't say it. I declared it (panda steaks)

The University of Mississippi is hosting a panel on how the news media can regain trust featuring speaker Brian Stelter. This will be followed by a seminar titled How to Make Men Horny by Rosie O’Donnell. —Greg Gutfeld

A disaster was narrowly averted at New York airport when an Alaska Airlines flight narrowly missed, hitting a FedEx cargo plane. The crash could have killed hundreds and delayed RFK Jr.’s shipment of panda stakes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, he never said it was on his head (every single time it turns out they lied)

In a recent interview, former Vice President Kamala Harris said, quote, "There will be a marvel bust of me in Congress." And she added how cool it is that they can carve on something as small as a marble. —Greg Gutfeld 

Gavin Newsom claimed his hair literally burst during the Palisades fire. I know you're thinking his hair looks fine, right? Well, he never said it was on his head. —Greg Gutfeld 

According to the Daily Mail, Ilhan Omar told friends years ago that her second husband was in fact her brother. The wedding guests were tipped off when the couple's first dance was to We Are Family. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was so hard staying alive, staying alive (such a powerful, strong fly)

“You know, Donald Trump talks about cabin fever like it’s an actual illness. [as Trump] This cabin fever, worse than any disease we’ve ever had, even worse than the disease from the ’70s, disco fever. It was so hard staying alive, staying alive.” — Trevor Noah

“But the highlight was, of course, the fly which landed on Pence’s head and lit up social media. What was crazy was how long it sat there for. The fly perched on his head for over two minutes without Pence noticing. Even Trump was watching at home like, ‘Wow, two minutes with Mike Pence, I could never do that. We’ve got to get that fly to White House – such a powerful, strong fly.’” —Trevor Noah

At a shutdown protest at the Michigan Capital Building, two white female protesters badgered police officers and white men with rifles prowled the statehouse. Now, I’m sure a lot of these people probably saw this video and said to themselves, ‘man, if black people were holding guns and shouting at the police, that protest would end badly.’ But guys, please, that’s not true – the protest wouldn’t have ended badly. There wouldn’t have been a protest, because all the black people would’ve been pulled over on the way there.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's our job to do the exact opposite (Larry Kudlow’s beach bash has been cancelled)

In fiscal year 2025, the Coast Guard seized half a million pounds of cocaine. In related news, Larry Kudlow’s beach bash has been cancelled. —Greg Gutfeld

On Sunday, Bill Clinton attended the New York City Marathon to cheer his daughter, Chelsea. Bill supported the female runners by chasing them for the last four miles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Reasons to trust the legacy media (a guy named Mad Dog is telling you to take it down a notch)

Disney announced that it’s featuring its first openly gay character in the upcoming live-action film “Beauty and the Beast.” Which explains why they’re changing the title of the movie to “Beauty and Her Longtime Roommate Janine.” –Conan O’Brien

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is reportedly having multiple disagreements with his Defense Secretary pick, James "Mad Dog" Mattis. You know you’re in trouble when a guy named Mad Dog is telling you to take it down a notch. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's a New York Times? (under a pile of $8 billion)

The New York Times published a quote calling millennials lazy, narcissistic, and obsessed with social media. Meanwhile, millennials have called The New York Times, “What's a 'New York Times?’” –Conan O’Brien

"The stock market is going crazy. Earlier this week, Warren Buffett lost $2 billion. Luckily, Buffett found it this morning under a pile of $8 billion." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago (an attack on every American)

“Democrats want Republicans to agree to continue funding the Affordable Care Act, whereas Republicans want to use that money to add crab legs to the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“And Trump is threatening to make ‘irreversible cuts' if there’s a shut down, which — you know what? I was recently the victim of a government shutdown. They are reversible, I will tell you that.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face (51 turtles)

"Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face." --Conan O'Brien

A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, "There’s nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven’t." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races (That wasn't me)

At the Tour de France today the police were trying to control protestors at the race by spraying tear gas, but they held up the race because they accidentally sprayed the cyclists. See? Incidents like this are why I refuse to compete in 23-day bike races. --James Corden

Bill Clinton said he watched all six Police Academy movies with his daughter Chelsea, which got awkward when Chelsea was like, “That wasn't me.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The law has actually received support from two major groups (34.67 billion lattes)

"Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer." –Jimmy Fallon

After former President Obama said you'd need a "magic wand" to bring back certain jobs, Trump said, "I guess I have a magic wand." Then Stormy Daniels was like, "Fake news." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What a bunch of amateurs, said Hillary Clinton (The most destructive individual in my lifetime)

Florida is set to execute its record 11th person this year. Only 11. What a bunch of amateurs, said Hillary Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

Gavin Newsom called Donald Trump simply the most destructive individual in my lifetime. Nancy Pelosi responded saying, “The most destructive individual in my lifetime was Genghis Khan.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But others believe it stands for Miserable Sh*t No One Watches (they'll get half of that back in bottle returns)

Later this year MSNBC will become MS NOW. The say the new acronym means My Source for News Opinion On the World. But others believe it stands for Miserable Sh*t No One Watches. —Greg Gutfeld 

The Democratic Party's finances are in trouble after spending $15 million to pay off Kamla's campaign, but at least they'll get half of that back in bottle returns. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”