NHL: Washington Capitals vs Detroit Red Wings

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What else you got? (soufflé)

A study reveals that the best way to add years to your life is to

exercise, lose weight, and not drink too much. To which all of

America replied, "What else you got?" --Conan O’Brien

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is coming out with a cookbook. The cookbook teaches you how to make a soufflé that falls then re-inflates at halftime. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Madden: Las Vegas Raiders vs New England Patriots (Overtime)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the same amount of time you gave Stormy Daniels (deflated leather balls)

According to the White House press pool, President Trump spent

approximately two minutes at the Martin Luther King Jr.

Memorial today before returning to the White House. And it's not

a good look when you give Martin Luther King the same amount

of time you gave Stormy Daniels. --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said this week that his high poll numbers in Massachusetts are due to his support from Patriots' quarterback Tom Brady. Man, what is it with Tom Brady and deflated leather balls? .” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Brady also revealed that during his career, he went through eight Gronks (the world's oldest married couple)

Tom Brady announced that his current dog is actually a clone of his previous dog who passed away two years ago. Brady also revealed that during his career, he went through eight Gronks. —Colin Jost

A husband and wife from Miami have been named the world's oldest married couple with a combined age of 216 years, which sounds really sweet until you realize the husband is 200. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, Melania's not blind? (the more effective salespeople for war)

According to a new poll, 11 percent of Americans say they view President Trump as very liberal. I assume they meant with his makeup? --Seth Meyers

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said over the weekend that he's not sure who he'll vote for, but he loves Donald Trump. I guess Brady just loves anything that releases air. –Seth Meyers

President Trump tried to have braille removed from the elevators in Trump Tower, because "no blind people are going to live in Trump Tower." Wait a minute, Melania's not blind? --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the 100-meter wander off (filled with too much air)

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was president. Which is really weird because I thought Brady didn't like things that are filled with too much air. –Conan O’Brien

In San Diego, a 100-year-old man set five world records at a track meet. He set a record in the 50-meter dash, the 800-meter run and the 100-meter wander off. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Of course, that advice only really works if your job is vice president (what the state fears right now)

Earlier tonight was the big season opener for the NFL, where the Patriots played their first game since the “Deflategate” scandal. I don’t want to say the refs spent a long time examining balls, but today, they were hired by the TSA. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Joe Biden told some of Hillary’s campaign workers that he’s also had pneumonia before, and that if the doctor tells you to take three days off, you should actually take SIX days off. Of course, that advice only really works if your job is vice president. –Jimmy Fallon

Everyone’s still talking about Donald Trump. Even Tom Brady. In an interview yesterday, Brady said that Donald Trump occasionally calls him up to give “motivational speeches.” I think we know the REAL reason Tom Brady destroyed his cellphone. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, and he was also deflating footballs (I'm my own man, plus another guy)

"I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls asleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs." –David Letterman

"Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Guests love it until the couple's first dance is a 45-minute song by Phish (23,000 years)

That's right, more people are handing out weed at their wedding. Guests love it until the couple's first dance is a 45-minute song by Phish. --Jimmy Fallon

After Peyton Manning was asked about his future, he responded by saying, "I'll drink a lot of Budweiser tonight." Which is why today, he signed endorsement deals with Tylenol, Gatorade, and a tattoo removal clinic. –Jimmy Fallon

The Patriots celebrated their big Super Bowl win up in Boston. But I read that Tom Brady is still trying to track down his jersey that went missing after the game. Then O.J. said, “Whatever you do, just don’t try to STEAL it back.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why not put her face on a bottle of syrup while you're at it (how to deal with deflated balls)

California attorney general Rob Bonta announced that Kamala Harris would clear out the field if she runs for California Governor. Wow, saying a black woman would clear out the field? Why not put her face on a bottle of syrup while you're at it. —Greg Gutfeld

According to the New York Post, 72-year-old Bill Belichick and his 24-year-old girlfriend Jordon Hudson are rumored to be engaged. Yes it was love at first will. Word is she reached out to Tom Brady on how to deal with deflated balls. —Greg Gutfeld

Bret Baier  is going to interview Trump at Mar-a-Lago for the Super Bowl pregame show. Meanwhile Kristi Noem is not allowed within 100 feet of the Puppy Bowl. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Joint session sounds like more fun than it is (he chugged a quart of almond milk and ate half a grape)

"Well, tonight in Washington, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress. Joint session sounds like more fun than it is." –Jimmy Kimmel

But what a game! The Eagles won their first Super Bowl ever, toppling Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. They said Tom Brady was so distraught after the game, he chugged a quart of almond milk and ate half a grape. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Madden: Indianapolis Colts vs New England Patriots

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Madden: Indianapolis Colts vs New England Patriots

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

the George W. Bush Institute for Pretzel Safety (the REAL reason Tom Brady destroyed his cell phone)

"According to a new poll, Levi Johnston now has lower approval ratings than John Edwards. Levy said he is disappointed with his low approval ratings and will do everything he can to knock them up." –Jimmy Fallon

Everyone’s still talking about Donald Trump. Even Tom Brady. In an interview yesterday, Brady said that Donald Trump occasionally calls him up to give “motivational speeches.” I think we know the REAL reason Tom Brady destroyed his cell phone. –Jimmy Fallon

"The Dick Cheney Center for International Students. It's just two buildings over from the George W. Bush Institute for Pretzel Safety." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Although Brady himself is still fully owned by the Giants (furious dancing)

Tom Brady has officially become a part owner of the Las Vegas Raiders. Although Brady himself is still fully owned by the Giants. —Colin Jost

The winner of the annual America's Best Restroom contest is a service station in Salt Lake City. Though keep in mind the contest is run by Trucker Sex magazine. —Colin Jost

According to nutritionists, the healthiest Halloween candy is peanut M&Ms, with the tiny exception of kids that die from touching them. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope to become the new face of Scientology (Oh, and he was also deflating footballs)

"Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to

become the new face of Scientology." –David Letterman

"I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un

has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security

minister, nods off, falls asleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un

takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep.

Oh, and he was also deflating footballs." –David Letterman

"Dick "Kaboom" Cheney is publishing his memoirs. Cheney is a

wonderful fiction writer. Remember the stories he used to tell us

about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Please. I can make the in my sleep (the new Eiffel Tower wheelchair ramp)

Tom Brady revealed that he has regrets about last week’s Netflix roast, saying he didn’t like the way it affected his kids. But that isn’t stopping him from performing in tomorrow night’s Netflix roast of Tom Brady’s kids. —Colin Jost

A high-end fashion brand is selling a pair of jeans for $800 which appear to have a pee stain on the front. Jeans with a pee stain on the front? Please. I can make them in my sleep. —Colin Jost

People in Paris with disabilities are saying that the city has not fulfilled its promise to make it universally accessible before this summer’s olympics. And officials admit they’re having some safety issues with the new Eiffel Tower wheelchair ramp. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s so life-like, his Tinder profile says he’s 6ft 1in (Secretary of Gronking)

“It’s Biden-Trump. It’s always been Biden-Trump. It will always be Biden-Trump. But not if you ask the voters, who seem to still be in denial. There is a recent poll which found that nearly half of voters think it’s likely that Democrats will replace Biden with another candidate before the election. No! No they won’t! It’s Trump versus Biden, stop making up election fan fiction – ‘Ooh, what if Tom Brady comes out of retirement for president, he could make Gronk secretary of Gronking. And then they kiss.’” —Stephen Colbert

In a new print interview with the New Yorker, Joe Biden assured that he would beat Trump and noted: “I am the only one who has ever beat him.” Well, that’s true unless you count E Jean Carroll, [New York attorney general] Letitia James, Covid, the free market and ramps. —Seth Meyers

An Amazon warehouse near Seattle recently began testing a 5ft 9in robot that resembles a human. He’s so life-like, his Tinder profile says he’s 6ft 1in. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But lately we’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter what the majority of Americans want (an angry mob or a happy mob)

We’re just five days away from Super Bowl 51! And a new poll finds that the majority of Americans want the Atlanta Falcons to win. But lately we’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter what the majority of Americans want. –Jimmy Fallon

Sunday is also the Kitten Bowl on the Hallmark Channel. It will feature the Little Long Tails going up against their rival, a red laser pointer. --Jimmy Fallon

We are just three days away from Super Bowl LII, which means that we’re just three days away from finding out whether Boston will be burned down by an angry mob or a happy mob. --Jimmy Fallon

But it wasn’t all bad news for Cam Newton. He was named the NFL's Most Valuable Player at the NFL Honors on Saturday night. The ceremony went well, but it got weird when the Denver Broncos' defense took the award out of his hands and ran it for a touchdown. –Jimmy Fallon

Tom Brady said that he’s banned his dad from talking to the media after he spoke out against NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Tom is so embarrassed, this Sunday he’s making his dad drop him off a block away from the Super Bowl. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”