For a while, I was their prime suspect (buy high AND sell high)

In Oakland, California, for the first time, a marijuana company

will be publicly traded. It’s the first ever stock that you can buy

high AND sell high. –Conan O’Brien

A man in Portland stole a 2-foot python from a pet store by putting it in his pants. For a while, I was their prime suspect. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Good news, Melania, you’re gonna live forever (in lieu of flowers)

The week also saw the death of Dick Cheney, at the age of 84. His family are asking well-wishers, in lieu of flowers, to please shoot a friend in the face. —Stephen Colbert

Ticket sales at the Kennedy Center have also plummeted since Trump took over and demanded less “woke” programming with sales at 57%, down from 93% this time last year. Everything he touches dies. Good news, Melania, you’re gonna live forever. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re not just taking our women, they’re taking our astronauts (Now, maybe you can not invade Portland)

“All 20 Israeli hostages are home after 738 days in captivity. Almost 2,000 Palestinian prisoners and detainees have been released. And while we are only in the first phase of what will undoubtedly be a long and tricky process, the fact is the bombing has stopped, the hostages have been released, and Trump deserves some of the praise for that. And so, I know it sounds crazy to say, but good work on that one, President Trump. Now, maybe you can not invade Portland. Just an idea. I mean, while you’re on a roll. ” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Photos emerged of Katy Perry making out with Justin Trudeau on a yacht. I’ve been wondering how Canada was going to exact their revenge for the tariffs, and this is it. They’re taking our women. They’re not just taking our women, they’re taking our astronauts.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Power Grid (starter pistols)

Protesters in Portland held an emergency naked bike ride. Why was it called an emergency? Because witnesses needed immediate eye surgery. —Greg Gutfeld

Yesterday was the big Chicago marathon. It's the only race where the starter pistol gets return fire. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This guy can’t keep his insurrection in his pants anymore (You would be better off dressed as kielbasa)

President Trump, who has already sent National Guard troops to Los Angeles and Washington this year, is now trying to deploy them in Chicago and Portland, Ore., despite resistance from local and state officials who say he’s trying to invent a crisis. He’s sending the Texas National Guard into Chicago, all dressed in camouflage, by the way. I want to say, I know you’re from Texas, guys — camouflage will not help you blend in in Chicago. You would be better off dressed as kielbasa in Chicago.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is reported to be ‘seriously considering’ invoking the Insurrection Act, which is a law from 1807 that would allow him to use the military to enforce his rules. This guy can’t keep his insurrection in his pants anymore.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band (Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents)

Portland is planning to offer homeless people a free bus ticket out of town. Of course, the problem in Portland is figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band. –Conan O’Brien

“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents.” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For a while, I was their prime suspect (a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet)

A man in Portland stole a 2-foot python from a pet store by putting it in his pants. For a while, I was their prime suspect. –Conan O’Brien

So Donald Trump endorsed L.L. Bean on Twitter — because if anybody represents the rugged great outdoors, it’s a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All I can say is, way to go, Wolf Blitzer! (figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band)

It’s been reported that a contributor to CNN has been having an affair with Ted Cruz. All I can say is, way to go, Wolf Blitzer! –Conan O’Brien

Portland is planning to offer homeless people a free bus ticket out of town. Of course, the problem in Portland is figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band. –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie ‘Schindler's List.’” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For a while, I was their prime suspect (a full bar)

A man in Portland stole a 2-foot python from a pet store by putting it in his pants. For a while, I was their prime suspect. –Conan O’Brien

“Meanwhile, one senator claims that during the impeachment trial they’re only allowed to drink water and milk on the Senate floor. Yeah, or as Mitt Romney calls that, a full bar.” —Conan O’Brien

It is reported that rapper Snoop Dogg is filing for divorce. Apparently the divorce settlement is fair. Snoop’s wife gets the car and the house and Snoop gets custody of everything that ends in “izl.” --Conan O’Brien 5/25/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m not sure what’s scarier (the sketch artists are running out of orange pastels)

Former President Donald Trump attended a court hearing in Washington, D.C., on Tuesday. Trump spends so much time in court, the sketch artists are running out of orange pastels. —Jimmy Kimmel

“A man in Portland recently found a working iPhone along the side of a road that is believed to have been onboard the Alaskan Airlines plane that had a door plug blow off mid-flight. And, honestly, I’m not sure what’s scarier: having the door blow off your plane, or losing your phone.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For a while, I was their prime suspect (We've got to come up with a better story)

"President Bush had an awkward moment today. Did you hear about this? While President Bush was greeting crowds in Germany today, he grabbed a baby from its mother and the baby burst into tears. President Bush says he doesn't care how much the baby cries, he's keeping the blankey." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush's Iraq trip was so top secret that before he left, he lied to his Cabinet members -- told them he was going to bed early so he could read. When the Secret Service heard this, they said, 'We've got to come up with a better story.'" --Conan O'Brien

A man in Portland stole a 2-foot python from a pet store by putting it in his pants. For a while, I was their prime suspect. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow. She moved on fast (what she's working with under that robe)

Police say a man in Nebraska snuck into a home and slept with a sex doll belonging to a man who recently died. Wow. She moved on fast. —Michael Che

Justice Amy Coney Barrett said that she wouldn't mind seeing a code of conduct instituted for the Supreme Court, while Clarence Thomas said that he wouldn't mind seeing what she's working with under that robe. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

And those are just the ones I had a dream about last night (Behold! The Invisible Woman!)

Donald Trump has been pandering like this wherever he goes. In New York, he said pizza is the best. In Portland, he said gluten is the devil's handiwork. And in Florida, he said nothing beats doing meth in a Walmart parking lot. –James Corden

Celebrities can't move to Canada, that's not how this works. All of America's best celebrities come from Canada. Ryan Gosling? Canadian. Justin Bieber? Canadian. Ryan Reynolds? Canadian. And those are just the ones I had a dream about last night. –James Corden

But it makes sense that Trump tells the most fibs of any president — even the color of his skin is a lie. –James Corden

This morning, President Trump made a special phone call to his favorite television program, "Fox & Friends." Trump and the hosts talked about lots of things, and at one point, he was asked to grade his presidency. Take a look at what he said. [Trump clip] “I would give myself an A-plus.” An A-plus! From where — Trump University? --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trust me. You know how to dance! (a six-hour safety briefing)

After causing a huge controversy, United Airlines now says it will allow any paying passenger to wear leggings. So good news, my dad can fly out for Easter after all. –Conan O’Brien

The other day at LAX, a flight attendant was caught smuggling cocaine. People became suspicious when she gave passengers a six-hour safety briefing. –Conan O’Brien

Portland is planning to offer homeless people a free bus ticket out of town. Of course, the problem in Portland is figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oooh, looks like I’ll have to be punished for that (For a while, I was their prime suspect)

The movie "Fifty Shades of Grey" has gotten a Razzie nomination for Worst

Film of the Year. Upon hearing this, the film's director said, "Oooh, looks like

I’ll have to be punished for that...” –Conan O’Brien

A Chinese investment firm has bought the company behind the Batman

movies. Which explains why in the next Batman movie, a young Bruce

Wayne sees his parents killed, then goes back to making iPhones at

the factory. –Conan O’Brien

A man in Portland stole a 2-foot python from a pet store by putting it in his

pants. For a while, I was their prime suspect. –Conan O’Brien

President Vladimir Putin said that Russia has invented the world's most

effective drug to fight Ebola. Yeah. When asked if he tested it on rats,

Putin said, "You could call them that. Sure, yeah, yeah. They're rats."

–Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which I believe means Portland is medium rare. Meaning it’s safe to eat (the buckle and the crack)

June 2021

“I am appreciating the air conditioning inside New York’s Ed Sullivan Theater during this heatwave. But the New York heat pales in comparison with the record-high temperatures gripping the Pacific north-west: Portland hit 116 degrees on Tuesday, which I believe means Portland is medium rare. Meaning it’s safe to eat.” —Stephen Colbert

“The temperature in Portland was so extreme that it melted power cables, shutting down the city’s streetcars. Passengers were then forced to walk, which I will remind you is only twice as fast as riding a streetcar.” —Stephen Colbert

“The heat has caused roads throughout the Pacific north-west to buckle and crack and of course the two sweatiest parts of the street are the buckle and the crack.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Get in the unmarked van! We’re going to Disney World! (and only has like three lines an episode)

July 2020

“Unidentified soldiers throwing protesters into an unmarked van on the streets of Portland? Like, I don’t care who you are, nothing good has ever come from an unmarked van. It’s never like, ‘Get in the van! Get in the unmarked van! We’re going to Disney World!” —Trevor Noah

“And how are people even supposed to tell the difference between being arrested and being kidnapped? Because I don’t know if you noticed this, but in America, random dudes walk around in camo gear holding guns all the time.” —Trevor Noah

“The White House announced this week that Trump will resume his daily coronavirus briefings. Oh man, I hate it when a show comes back after a long break and I can’t remember any of the plot lines. Though I remember the main characters: Trump is the villain, Mike Pence is the butler, and Dr. Anthony Fauci is the guy who should’ve had a spin-off by now but he’s stuck here and only has like three lines an episode.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I wish it went without saying that having a secret police is way worse (Trump 2020, get in the van!)

July 2020

“And just when you thought the Trump presidency couldn’t get any darker, horrifying footage from Portland, Oregon, showed masked, unidentified federal troops snatching protesters off the street without a warrant and throwing them into unmarked vehicles. 

As confirmed by the Department of Homeland Security, the agents are officers from the US Marshals special operations group and US Customs and Border Protection’s border patrol tactical unit, who are tasked with patrolling Mexico’s long and troubled border…with Oregon. 

The acting director of CBP, Mark Morgan, tweeted that ‘you will not see names on their uniforms [because] these same violent criminals use this information to target them & their families, putting both at risk.’ OK, it goes without saying doxxing is bad. I wish it went without saying that having a secret police is way worse. 

And no, the Trump-stapo is not saying they’re just following orders, they’re saying they’re just following executive orders. Or, as the Portland mayor, Ted Wheeler, phrased it: ‘He’s actually using the federal police function in support of his candidacy.’ Well, that explains the new campaign slogan: Trump 2020, get in the van.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

everything the American public believes is False (you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine)

"Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Portland, Oregon, a mail carrier made a very special delivery to the lawn of someone's home. He defecated behind the garbage cans. Where's he supposed to go? In his pith helmet? That's for pith, not for anything else. So now 'going postal' means a whole new thing, I guess." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He isn't tall enough to go on any of the rides (And that was just from Chad in Portland)

"President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland." –Conan O'Brien 

"Congress is proposing a bill that would give President Obama a kill switch that he could use to freeze all activity on the Internet if there were a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret name Microsoft Windows." –Conan O'Brien

"A storm hit the East Coast yesterday leaving 300,000 people in the Washington, D.C., area without power. The 300,000 people without power in Washington are called Democrats." –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea has opened an amusement park comparable to Disneyland. I'm not sure how long it's going to last because Kim Jong Il isn't tall enough to go on any of the rides." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”