The smoothest part of his presidency (poem cops)

Ever since casting was announced for Christopher Nolan’s big-budget epic The Odyssey, the right had dismissed it as a “commie woke-fest” due to its diversity. How dare you cast popular actors in fictional roles in a movie adaptation of a poem written 2,700 years ago. —Seth Meyers

Much of the anger was aimed at Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o who had been cast as Helen of Troy, a character who hatched from an egg that was the result of Zeus turning into a swan who had sex with a goddess, or better known as “white lady stuff”. MAGA pundits have suddenly become “poem cops”. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there was more people at my D.U.I. trial (You’re welcome, again)

President Trump celebrated America’s 250th birthday in Washington on Saturday along with a scattered crowd at the National Mall. I am going to be real honest with you — there was more people at my D.U.I. trial. — Tiffany Haddish

“Trump was forced to delay his Fourth of July speech due to the hot and stormy weather. In fact, some MAGA fans had to seek shelter in the African-American history museum. You’re welcome, again.” — Tiffany Haddish

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, I don't make the rules (Second greatest trick)

A woman told the New York Post she's a MAGA wife married to a lifelong Democrat, but has a secret to making their marriage work. She lets him b*ng men. Hey, I don't make the rules. —Greg Gutfeld   

Uber has released its 10th annual lost and found list. Once again, topping the list, Steve Guttenberg. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the administration has unveiled a new name for the mission (the cost of owning thyself)

A new poll finds that Americans are overwhelmingly opposed to the Iran war and Trump’s plan to peacefully guide oil tankers through the strait of Hormuz. Oh wait, I’m getting word that the administration has unveiled a new name for the mission. Let’s see, what is it called: Operation Clusterf*ck. —Seth Meyers

A new Ipsos poll which showed Trump’s disapproval ratings at a record 62%, in large part due to gas prices rising $1.50 a gallon since the start of the Iran war. Trump’s disapproval is at an all-time high: higher than Covid and January 6 – a virus and a riot. But I just have a quick question for the 37% who approve [of Trump]. What’s your deal? I get that you’re Maga but what do you actually approve of? Is it worth it for you to pay high gas prices if it means liberals also pay high gas prices? Is that how much you want to own the libs – at the cost of owning thyself? —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a war that got a thesaurus for Christmas (I went into this without a plan)

Folks, I really didn’t want to start the monologue by talking about the war, but in honor of this administration, I went into this without a plan. —Stephen Colbert

I say it’s a war because it sure looks like a war, and Trump keeps calling it a war, but Congress never declared it a war, and MAGA was promised no new wars, so the White House sent out a list of talking points to all the congressional Republicans telling them in no uncertain terms that if a reporter asked ‘Can you promise the American people this will not be a long-drawn out war?’, the answer to give is ‘These are targeted, major combat operations.’ So … it’s worse than a war. It’s a war that got a thesaurus for Christmas. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job (that's how they got O.J.)

Gen-Z icon Kyle Rittenhouse is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it. I don’t know, be careful Kyle. Trying to get your memorabilia back is how they got O.J. —Colin Jost

President Biden marked the end of his first year in office with a two hour press conference. Because that’s how long it took to list everything that’s gone wrong. But as I have been told many times before, just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s all we needed to hear, said Child Protective Services (I am already in misery)

According to Axios, President Trump is adding an 11th rally ahead of the upcoming midterms that will take place in Missouri. When asked if she was going with him, Melania said, "I am already in misery." --Seth Meyers

That’s right. According to a new poll, 29% of people believe President Trump is a good role model for children. ”That’s all we needed to hear,” said Child Protective Services. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Never mind how we found out! We just found out! (Willie Nelson just announced a bunch of new tour dates)

According to scientists in China, rabbits who eat feces grow healthier and stronger than those that do not. The study is titled, "Never mind how we found out! We just found out!" --Seth Meyers

According to Rolling Stone magazine, Oregon's legal marijuana supply is higher than the local demand, resulting in approximately 1.3 million pounds of surplus marijuana that can't legally be sold outside of the state. In other news, Willie Nelson just announced a bunch of new tour dates. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

teach students to count to 84 (win-win)

Trump supporters are planning a huge MAGA takeover of Disneyland on the same date as the gay days celebration, or as Lindsey Graham calls it, a win-win. —Greg Gutfeld  

Yesterday was the 84th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. To commemorate the event, our nation's high schools will teach students to count to 84. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In her defense she was already pretty drunk (sex tape)

A New York woman fell flat on her face after trying to snatch a MAGA hat off a fellow subway passenger. In her defense Kamala Harris was already pretty drunk. —Greg Gutfeld 

Disney's Snow White is projected to be the lowest earning live-action remake in the company's history. It's the worst thing to happen to Disney since someone leaked the Minnie Mouse and Tommy Lee sex tape. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the GOP, I am not Jim Jordan. I yield my time. (unipolar superpowers)

Jim Jordan’s defeat in his attempt to become Speaker of the House was an historic humiliation for a man who will not be in the history books. He was undone not by the usual Maga bomb throwers. He was brought low by a coalition of Republican moderates nearly three weeks after the more extreme wing of the party ousted Kevin McCarthy as speaker. Eight Republicans are now vying for the top position in the House, and Republicans planned to hold a forum on Monday evening in which candidates would make their case in two-minute speeches. Now, two minutes may seem short, but I know what I would say – ‘Ladies and gentlemen of the GOP, I am not Jim Jordan. I yield my time.’ —Stephen Colbert

“This time, nine Republicans will battle for the top post: Tom Emmer from Minnesota, Kevin Hern from Oklahoma, Jack Bergman from Michigan, Byron Donalds from Florida, Mike Johnson from Louisiana, Sam Nayman from Tennessee, Dan Marks from Wisconsin, Ben Warner from Georgia and Ken Sherman from Pennsylvania — and I started making up names partway through that list, and literally no one knows when I did, including me.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

What happened to the last guy? (no underwear)

Donald Trump’s popular "Make America Great Again" hats are actually made at a California factory that employs Mexican immigrants. Even more embarrassing for Trump, his hair is made by Syrian refugees. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump claimed to have "many Muslim friends." However, when asked for specific names, the only one he could come up with was "The Genie from 'Aladdin.'" –Conan O’Brien

"Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, 'What happened to the last guy?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think it wants to be burned — it’s seen too much (What Russia Didn't Do)

April 2021

“Matt Gaetz has denied any wrongdoing, but sources say that just before the previous president left office, Gaetz asked for a blanket pardon. Oh, I don’t think the blanket wants a pardon; I think it wants to be burned — it’s seen too much.” —Stephen Colbert

“Despite the ongoing investigation, Matt Gaetz is slated to speak at an event hosted by Women for America First, a group of ‘diehard MAGA loyalists’ who helped organize the pro-Trump rally on 6 January that devolved into the attack on the Capitol. Gaetz’s speech will be part of an ‘Americana’-themed dinner featuring ‘BBQ, Boots & Bluegrass’ – not to be confused with Gaetz’s usual theme of molly, minors and mandatory minimums.” —Stephen Colbert

“Amid criticism, the group defended the decision to book Gaetz and called him a ‘fearless leader in DC’. Yes, Gaetz fears nothing! Except the parents of whoever he’s texting.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lemme save you a few bucks: it’s been bad (am I supposed to eat my string cheese dry?)

March 2021

“Updated CDC guidelines have suggested that indoor dinner parties will soon be possible although I’m worried about how prepared he might be after so much time not socializing. My mug of ranch dressing is running low, am I supposed to eat my string cheese dry?” —Stephen Colbert

“Stimulus cheques are set to be sent out to US citizens. I have a feeling a lot of MAGA folks are about to accept the election results.” —Stephen Colbert

“On International Women’s Day, Joe Biden announced that two female generals will be promoted, news that is so inspiring for all the little girls out there who dream of growing up and launching air strikes in Syria.” —Stephen Colbert

“A study is being conducted to examine the effect that the pandemic has had on people’s mental health. Lemme save you a few bucks: it’s been bad.” —Seth Meyers

“After conversation around Pepe Le Pew normalizing rape culture started again, the character has been removed from Space Jam 2. He’s been Me Pewed.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I would find a new plumber — and a new toilet (Baby Jesus Bath Time)

August 2020

“I didn’t think they could come up with something worse than ‘Make America great again,’ but they did it. Because ‘MAGA’ was an ambiguous call to a bygone era that never really existed. This new slogan sounds like somebody who got hit in the head with a bag of hammers, because what’s implied with ‘Make America great again, again’ is that, at some point during your presidency, you [expletive] up.” — Trevor Noah

“If my plumber said he needed to fix my toilet ‘again, again,’ I would find a new plumber — and a new toilet.’” — Trevor Noah

“So that was Mike Pence’s speech. And I guess we finally found out why Pence always has the permanent squint. Yeah, his own face is going, ‘Are we really saying this [expletive]?” —Trevor Noah

“Mike Pence – a man so boring that during his mid-life crisis, he bought a minivan.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you scream about how much you want it, and your parents never provide the funding (20 miles, tops)

A toy company has announced that it will begin selling a Lego-inspired kit for kids called MAGA Build the Wall. The way it works is you scream about how much you want it, and your parents never provide the funding. --Seth Meyers

Two men are competing to be the first person to complete an unassisted 921-mile trek across Antarctica. Which is dumb, because if they just wait a few years, Antarctica will only be like 20 miles, tops. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”