he spent more nights with me this week than Melania (why not resign, and make this country great again)

Rosie O’Donnell signed off from guest-hosting “Jimmy Kimmel Live” on Thursday by thanking “everyone who’s been watching this week, especially the hungry, hungry hypocrite in the White House. It’s kind of weird to think he spent more nights with me this week than Melania.” — Rosie O’Donnell

Rosie O’Donnell also performed a new version of a traditional Irish ditty to close out her final monologue dedicated to a “very special boy.” [to the tune of ‘Danny Boy’] Poor Donny boy your polls, your polls are falling. Your reflecting pool is green as Mountain Dew. Your wig’s a mess, your ballroom is appalling, and with Iran you’ve bit off more than you can chew. Measles are back, inflation is a-swelling; you post all night, you’re sleeping while you work. And what’s with all this useless crap you’re selling? Hey, sweetie pie, you’re driving us all berserk. But there’s a way to end this drama. It’s time to use that stable-genius brain. Since we all know you’ll never be Obama, why not resign, and make this country great again? — Rosie O’Donnell

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

not being the slightest bit suspicious (Catering Car and Driver magazine)

“According to a new poll, President Trump’s approval rating has fallen to 33 percent, the lowest level of his presidency. But there is some good news for Trump. His numbers are at an all-time high in a new poll from ‘Catering Car and Driver’ magazine.” — Jimmy Fallon

“The poll also found that a large majority of Americans are concerned about an endless war with Iran. This is America — the only things we want to be endless are shrimp at Red Lobster and seasons of ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stand on each side and see who the strait goes to (the authoritarian psychopaths, or the Iranians)

“A day after Trump said the U.S. has the Strait of Hormuz in total control, Iran now says that they are in control of the strait. OK, there’s only one way to settle this: Stand on each side and see who the strait goes to.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Now, at this point, I don’t know who to believe: the authoritarian psychopaths, or the Iranians?” — Anthony Anderson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity (powerful weapons)

"Here's a bizarre story. I'll try to put this as delicately as possible. A woman in El Salvador was arrested for smuggling into prison a hand grenade inside her vagina. Although I guess technically at that point it's no longer a hand grenade. In a related story, earlier today former President Bill Clinton announced he's going to El Salvador to look for weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno

"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Operation Chillax, Bruh (5 second rule)

“Now, when asked about Donald Trump's hair, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt said, ‘Lighting is everything.’ And she’s right. For instance, when you shine a light on the Epstein files, her boss’s name magically disappears.” — Anthony Anderson

“But I don’t think this was the lighting. Because I looked it up, and this is real. Trump’s new hairdo looks exactly like the $15 Trump wig you can buy on Amazon: Donald Trump wig for adults and kids, one size fits most.’ I have to say this, though: Kids, if you show up to my door in that wig on Halloween, you ain’t getting [expletive].” — Anthony Anderson

“Of course, the war in Iran continues to dominate the news and Trump has now backed off his threats to launch more strikes. He says that his new approach is, ‘low-keying it.’ Yeah, that’s right. We’ve gone from ‘Operation Epic Fury’ to ‘Operation Chillax, Bruh.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It hasn’t taken nearly as long as Vietnam or Korea or getting home from Troy (Trump calls it the feel-good movie of the summer)

“The Iran war is now six months old. Trump says please keep it in perspective: It hasn’t taken nearly as long as Vietnam or Korea or getting home from Troy.” — Bill Maher

“Have you seen ‘The Odyssey’? Amazing that Hollywood has a movie this big, people going to see it at two in the morning. This is awesome. And if you haven’t seen it, it’s about a serial adulterer who gets stuck in a war that takes forever. Trump calls it the feel-good movie of the summer.” — Bill Maher 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think the real news is that he has a thesaurus (pinning the war on Dr. Fauci)

President Trump held a cabinet meeting at Camp David on Friday, where he discussed the war in Iran. I’m not saying that they’re out of ideas, but the best option they came up with was pinning the war on Dr. Fauci. — Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, on Saturday, Trump announced that he called off strikes on Iran because the ‘perimeters of a deal’ had been agreed to. Yeah, a couple of months ago, he had the outline of a deal, and before that, he had the framework of a deal. I think the real news is that he has a thesaurus.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is now a bad time to tell you that there’s algae in the pool again? (or ask Dr. Strange to erase everyone’s memory)

“I read that President Trump has been furious about the Iran war, and he’s been shouting curse words at his top national security officials. Yeah, his staff was like, ‘Is now a bad time to tell you that there’s algae in the pool again?’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, the last time Trump was this angry was when McDonald’s added salads to the menu.” — Jimmy Fallon

“But the White House downplayed the report. They said the president just gets cranky when he misses his all-day naps.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, officials remain divided over whether they should stop Iran’s nuclear program, protect ships in the Strait of Hormuz, or ask Dr. Strange to erase everyone’s memory.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If we could start calling it bribery instead of lobbying... (You press a button and it pleads the fifth)

So, a photo shows Democrat Senate candidate James Talarico playing with an Anthony Fauci action figure. Yeah, there's an actual Fauci action figure. You press a button and it pleads the fifth. —Greg Gutfeld 

After Door Dash just launched a drone delivery program, New Jersey thought they were under attack by Iran, but it was just hundreds of pizzas being delivered to Chris Christie. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What if someone under the age of 60 was watching? (that one is the most that never happened)

President Trump has also been claiming that Iran has been begging him to take a deal, saying that he was called up and asked to please stop the ongoing attacks. Of all the conversations that never happened that one is the most that never happened. —Seth Meyers 

“During an interview today with Fox News, President Trump said that he is planning to ‘beat the [expletive] [expletive] out of’ Iran. Hey, you can’t use that kind of language on Fox News. What if someone under the age of 60 was watching?” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

"Well, it could have been worse," said Johnny Depp (surprise missile attack)

After the surprise missile attack Tuesday night, President Trump said, "We are going to beat the effing crap out of Iran." He plans on accomplishing this by dropping Taco Bell lettuce. —Greg Gutfeld 

Gavin Newsom's ex-mistress admits that she wet the bed on their first night together. "Well, it could have been worse," said Johnny Depp. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Normally I’d say don’t quit your day job but in this case... (the hoax of Trickle Down economics)

There was a hydration break in the war between US and Iran with a second straight day of peace. President Trump decided to stop bombing the strait of Hormuz and to start bombing at the White House correspondents dinner. —Jon Stewart

The president’s performance at the annual event had been widely criticized for being awkward and unfunny. Normally I’d say don’t quit your day job but in this case … I will make an exception. —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he’d heard the same criticisms when he worked at Fox and Friends (it’s the first time he’s ever been behind a woman)

During a hearing on the Iran War lawmakers complained that the war is unpopular, costly and spiraling out of control. Which didn’t faze Pete Hegseth, he’d heard the same criticisms when he worked at Fox and Friends. —Greg Gutfeld 

Apparently AOC is leading the democrats among the 2028 democratic nominees with Mayor Pete in second place. But Pete’s excited because it’s the first time he’s ever been behind a woman. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Take it from me, his third wife (Boner Town)

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy confirmed that President Trump wants to rename Penn Station to Trump Station. Not to be outdone Bill Clinton wants to rename Arkansas, Boner Town. —Greg Gutfeld  

The State Department issued a world wide caution alert for Americans. Not because of the Iran War, but because of the lettuce at Taco Bell. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think he’s genuinely asking (portraits)

This week saw Trump being asked by a journalist about Iran showing no signs that they are willing to stop fighting and he responded by asking if she knew something he didn’t. I don’t think he’s being sarcastic, I think he’s genuinely asking. —Seth Meyers

There are reports that Trump’s approval ratings in his second term are the worst of any 21st-century president, scoring lower than Barack Obama and George W Bush. Trump is doing worse than Bush during the Iraq war – and remember, Bush had a pair of shoes thrown at him. —Seth Meyers

Trump is unpopular with people with no party affiliation as well as those on the left. According to a Washington Post poll, he is scoring worse with independents than Richard Nixon during Watergate. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unless they're downwind, then they're totally cool (So finally some good news for the Jonas Brothers)

"Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my "Go Iran" T-shirt?" –Conan O'Brien

"A major wildfire in northern California is now being blamed on marijuana farmers. Everyone in the region's really angry about it – unless they're downwind, then they're totally cool." –Conan O'Brien

An expert panel has recommended that a medically-induced pregnancy made from three people’s DNA could begin as early as next year. So finally some good news for the Jonas Brothers. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ll be honest, I’m starting to regret voting for him three times (It’s a whole different person!)

“Remember when Trump said that this was a little excursion in Iran was just going to last a few weeks? That was four months ago. I’ll be honest, I’m starting to regret voting for him three times.” —Ike Barinholtz 

The big political story today is that we officially have a replacement for Lindsey Graham in the Senate, and it’s Lindsey Graham’s sister, which is very confusing because I always thought Lindsey Graham was Lindsey Graham’s sister. It’s a whole different person! —Ike Barinholtz 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Rocky took the chairlift (putting raisins on rice)

Tuesday marked the third consecutive day of US airstrikes in Iran after the country said that it would charge tolls for ships to pass through the strait of Hormuz. Meanwhile, Trump has announced his own plans to charge a 20% toll on cargo shipped that passes through the strait. How did we end up like this? We’re a global superpower and we’re haggling over tolls with the Iranians. We’re not going to beat the Iranians at haggling – they invented it, and putting raisins on rice. —Michael Kosta 

Donald Trump had a lackluster reaction while greeting IndyCar racing drivers at the White House. Maybe it didn’t have that Eye of the Tiger energy. This would be like, if instead of running up the steps of the museum, Rocky took the chairlift. —Michael Kosta

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It says ‘Epstein files’? Don’t open it!’ (Because the president flies with an extra emotional support plane)

On Wednesday, President Trump left the NATO summit in Turkey on his old Air Force One instead of a new Qatari-donated Boeing 747-8 after the Secret Service urged the switch as a security precaution amid hostilities with Iran, according to people briefed on the plans. Did they bring both Air Force Ones? Is that why there’s no gas in the world anymore? Because the president flies with an extra emotional support plane? — Ronny Chieng

Also, you know what happens any time they switch planes on you, OK? Trump definitely lost his luggage. He’s calling them like, ‘Hey, did you guys find a box? It says ‘Epstein files’? Don’t open it!’ — Ronny Chieng

“I mean, it is a little suspicious. It’s like being at a party where the toilet’s overflowing and all of a sudden, I’m like, ‘OK, everyone, I have to leave immediately. No one read into this, please.’” — Ronny Chieng

“And, of course, we had to abandon the Qatari plane for security concerns. Of course that happened. This is why when it comes to the most important plane in the world, you don’t go certified pre-owned.” — Ronny Chieng

“America should spring for a new one, and Trump should give the Qatar plane to, I don’t know, give it to Southwest. I’ll fly in it. I don’t care if they spy on me. What are you going to do, find out I’m watching my own movies on the entertainment system? I’m not ashamed! I’m great in them.” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In Paul’s defense he was running late for Happy Hour (making the Klingons pay for it)

Nancy Pelosi’s husband Paul is facing hit-and-run charges after crashing into a parked car and driving away. The impact was so violent Paul spilled his martini. —Tyrus 

The impact was so violent Paul lost all feeling in his face, just like Nancy. In Paul’s defense he was running late for Happy Hour. —Tyrus 

A former Elizabeth Warren staff member attended the Ayatollah’s funeral calling him one of the greatest leaders of her lifetime, which must show you how bad it is to work for Elizabeth Warren. —Tyrus 

There’s a secret tape of an invasion watch of 1952 Washington insiders that could be released soon. Trump responded by proposing a shield around the earth and making the Klingons pay for it. —Tyrus

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”