Red Cult Blue Cult (tastes like plumber)

Earlier today Vice President Dick Cheney delivered a speech at the Republican Jewish coalition. There's a Republican Jewish coalition? Not surprisingly the group is made up entirely of Cheney's cardiologists. --Conan O’Brien 9/2/2004

Nintendo has teamed with Kellogg's to make a Mario Brothers cereal. Kellogg's promises that the Super Mario cereal will “taste like plumber.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, congratulations to six USC grads (Does this lamp look really high?)

A new medical study, I think this was just released very recently, found that frequent marijuana use slows down sperm. Scientists say the sperm is not only slower but when they reach the egg they just hang out and play video games. --Conan O’Brien 3/19/2004

In the next few years, the federal government is planning to forgive $100 billion of student debt. So, congratulations to six USC grads. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because they're simply better than the rest of us (to work on his color)

Today was National Hotdog Day and to celebrate, Donald Trump spent a few hours on the rollers at 7-Eleven to work on his color. –Conan O’Brien

"But General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's a lot of things I'd rather probe than Mars (their new honey-glazed IV drip)

An employee at NASA's Mission Control announced he's bored with his job and has decided to become a porn actor. The NASA employee said, “What can I say? There's a lot of things I'd rather probe than Mars.” --Conan O’Brien 3/5/2004

Krispy Kreme doughnuts have introduced a new beverage that they're calling a drinkable version of their donuts. And for those who think even drinking a donut is too much look for Krispy Kremes new honey-glazed IV drip. --Conan O’Brien 7/21/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I didn’t know she gave speeches (I just bagged Catherine Zeta-Jones)

Michael Douglas met with lawmakers and he urged the United States and Russia to reduce their stockpiles of nuclear weapons. Apparently Douglas pleaded by saying it is more important than ever that we don't destroy the planet because I just bagged Catherine Zeta-Jones. --Conan O’Brien 3/22/2000

According to Forbes magazine, in the past year Taylor Swift has earned $170 million. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, "I didn’t know she gave speeches." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

his friends always want to have lunch at his house (George W. Bush picked the Mets in 8)

It has been reported that a woman in Illinois still breastfeeds her eight-year-old son and she says that the boy doesn't think there's anything odd about it. Though the boy does want to know why his friends always want to have lunch at his house. --Conan O’Brien 7/11/2002

The World Series starts this week. In an interview New York mayor Rudy Giuliani picked the Yankees in 7. And George W. Bush picked the Mets in 8. --Conan O’Brien 10/19/2000

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When one of us is under attack, we're all under attack (What do I have to do?)

This is really weird, in Germany a woman who recently won a beauty pageant just admitted she used to be a man. Which explains why her talent for the pageant was hiding her testicles. --Conan O’Brien 7/13/2005

For the second year in a row, Johnny Depp has been named Forbes magazine’s Most Overpaid Actor. After hearing this, Nicolas Cage said, “What do I have to do?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Americans will use anything but the metric system (whether you're a billionaire or just a millionaire)

This week, Donald Trump is going to North Carolina, Iowa, and Michigan — all states that voted for him — for his “Thank You” tour. Then, he comes here to California for the “You’re Dead to Me” tour. –Conan O’Brien

In a speech today President Bush said that his economic plan would help Americans from all walks of life. Bush said, “My plan will help you whether you're a billionaire or just a millionaire.” --Conan O’Brien 6/23/2005

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which answers the question: what's the only job worse than disposing of nuclear waste (every night is ladies night)

According to MSNBC Britney Spears recently hired a person to keep an eye on Kevin Federline 24 hours a day. Which answers the question: what's the only job worse than disposing of nuclear waste. --Conan O’Brien 5/4/2006

Bill Clinton's presidential library opened yesterday and it costs $7 to get in. On the bright side every night is ladies night. --Conan O’Brien 11/9/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't have that kind of range (in Minnesota, I’m considered black)

According to a latest poll California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating is down to 30%. After hearing this Arnold said I'm not gonna act all hurt and upset because I don't have that kind of range. --Conan O’Brien 11/10/2005

Minnesota’s Mall of America has hired its first-ever black Santa Claus. Which sounds like a big deal until you realize that in Minnesota, I’m considered black. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I never thought I'd be this eager to put my pants on (Oh, and has anyone seen my dignity?)

Later this month, Google will be testing its new self-driving minivans. The vehicles can do all the functions of a human driver, except wonder, "Christ, how did I end up driving a minivan?" –Conan O’Brien

Mitt Romney tweeted that it was “an honor” to be considered for secretary of state. Romney then tweeted, “Oh, and has anyone seen my dignity?” –Conan O’Brien

President Clinton is expected to be released from the hospital and he'll be allowed to go home. Clinton was excited about it and said I never thought I'd be this eager to put my pants on. --Conan O’Brien 9/10/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m celibate, this is all I have (it’s going to be awkward the next time Jameson and Streep do a movie together)

Over the weekend, Pope Francis gave his support to a woman who was publicly breastfeeding. The Pope defended himself saying, "I’m celibate, this is all I have." –Conan O’Brien

On Twitter, porn actress Jenna Jameson bashed Meryl Streep for her Golden Globe speech. Wow, it’s going to be awkward the next time Jameson and Streep do a movie together. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oooh, looks like I’ll have to be punished for that... (a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet)

So Donald Trump endorsed L.L. Bean on Twitter — because if anybody represents the rugged great outdoors, it’s a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet. –Conan O’Brien

The movie "Fifty Shades of Grey" has gotten a Razzie nomination for Worst Film of the Year. Upon hearing this, the film's director said, "Oooh, looks like I’ll have to be punished for that...” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wrote a poem for you (Mike Metaphor)

Hillary Clinton unveiled her technology plan which would offer broadband internet access to all Americans. Then she quickly added, "Except for my husband." –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Donald Trump gave a speech at an industrial plant while standing in front of a giant wall of trash. Before the speech, Trump welcomed his new campaign manager, Mike Metaphor. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So don't expect to see another one of those 1-0 blowouts (just trust us it’s meat)

A new report says America’s fast food restaurants are seeking alternatives to the term "fast food." So far the leading choices are "fast-crafted," "fine casual," and "just trust us it’s meat." –Conan O’Brien

"In the World Cup, both the U.S. and German teams have very good goalies, so many are predicting a very low-scoring game tomorrow. So don't expect to see another one of those 1-0 blowouts." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey man, that’s the key to every party (Basic needs of Americans)

An analyst for Time magazine says the key to the survival of the Republican Party is bringing in young women. When told this, Bill Clinton said, "Hey man, that’s the key to every party." –Conan O’Brien

"This weekend, President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as 'the guy who invented the penny.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a second, it's THAT Adolf H*tler? (the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles)

Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles. –Conan O’Brien

Fourteen paintings by Adolf Hitler were sold at auction in Germany. After the auction the surprised buyer said, "Wait a second, it's THAT Adolf Hitler?" –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Usually when I pay a person to like me, it's my wife (Rolled it himself)

At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for him at the rally. Trump said, "Usually when I pay a person to like me, it's my wife." –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday on Father’s Day my kids gave me breakfast in bed, which I thought was sweet. My nine-year-old makes a mean mojito. Brought me a cigarette too. Rolled it himself. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nothing Happened Day (Salute to Kid Rock)

The U.S. Postal Service announced that they will release their first scratch-and-sniff stamps. That explains why they’ve canceled their "Salute to Kid Rock." --Conan O’Brien

"Today is the 20-year anniversary of the Tiananmen Square protest. Yeah, yeah. Or, as the Chinese government refers to it, 'Nothing Happened Day.'' --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So take note, Donald Trump: THAT’S how you Make America Great Again! (he doesn’t have time to learn the language)

Burger King has merged a Whopper with a burrito to make a Whopperito. So take note, Donald Trump: THAT’S how you Make America Great Again! –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that President Trump is so worried about protests that he is postponing his upcoming trip to England. Trump is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”