there was no way he was going to let Osama get those 72 virgins first (the Hell Yeah! sign)

This weekend, Bill Clinton revealed why he didn't take out Bin Laden before 911, saying that there was no way he was going to let Osama get those 72 virgins first. —Greg Gutfeld 

A female passenger aboard an American Airlines flight stripped off her clothing and started behaving indecently. Passengers knew something was amiss when the pilot illuminated the Hell Yeah! sign. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought we were going to work this ‘oot (I haven’t decided which plane I’m taking)

President Trump signed orders on Monday imposing a 50 percent tariff on Canadian goods imported into the U.S. OK, now what are we taxing ourselves to punish Canada for? Fighting again with Canada? I thought we were going to work this ‘oot.’” — Desi Lydic

Trump is threatening further tariffs on Canada for the smoke coming into the U.S. from their wildfires. Are you sure you want America to set a precedent for paying for pollution? I feel like your pals at Pesticide Microplastic Death Diarrhea Lettuce Inc. might have other ideas. — Desi Lydic

“I love how he’s discovering climate change while standing next to his idling jet: ‘Something is causing this, and we have got to get to the bottom of it. Keep the engine running guys, all of ‘em. I haven’t decided which plane I’m taking.’” — Desi Lydic

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fairly simple thing that happens to work (What neither of them care about is you)

"What the government wants is control. What the corporate world wants is money. What both of them want is power. What neither of them care about is you." --Russell Brand

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's the same design used to construct Nancy Pelosi's eyebrows (but an ironing board beat her to it)

 Taylor Swift has filed to trademark her voice and likeness in order to protect against AI misuse. She also wanted to trademark her ass, but an ironing board beat her to it. —Greg Gutfeld

So, the White House says they now have federal approval to build a 250 foot arch in Washington DC. And according to the Army Corps of Engineers, it's the same design used to construct Nancy Pelosi's eyebrows. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Our citizens should know the urgent facts (acts of heroism at the White House correspondents dinner)

So, we're hearing more about acts of heroism at the White House correspondents dinner and it's pretty inspirational stuff. Brian Stelter used his body to shield a crabcake. Chuck Schumer attempted to bore the gunman to death. Kamala Harris escorted the bartender to safety. Bill Clinton offered to pat down any suspicious interns. Mitch McConnell stayed hidden in his shell and Joe Biden played dead. —Tom Shillue

A California woman escaped being kidnapped by texting 911 from a gas station bathroom. People are calling her brave for using a gas station bathroom. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Because you know who left the last supper early? (that’s only because it’s never been worse)

 

A happy tax day to all who celebrate. Reports about the Iran War has driven consumer sentiment to its lowest level in 70 years. It turns out that 1956 is as far back as the numbers go, meaning that consumer confidence is at the lowest ever recorded. It may sound bad, but that’s only because it’s never been worse. —Stephen Colbert    

Vice President JD Vance commented at a Tuesday event about the Pope’s criticism of Trump’s Iran war. “I think it’s very important for the Pope to be careful when he talks about matters of theology.” Hey, JD, I know you’re Catholic, but you joined in 2019, OK? I’ve been genuflecting since the mid-1960s. I think you’re out over your Catholic skis here, OK? I think it’s time for you to sit down, then stand back up. Then kneel. Then stand again. Then shake hands with people around you. Then kneel a little more, then go take communion, then go back to your pew for some more kneeling, because you’re not sneaking out of here after communion. Because you know who left the last supper early? Judas. —Stephen Colbert    

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”
 

You both historically care deeply about the same thing (It’s never great when someone says...)

 

There have been public clashes between Donald Trump and Pope Leo XIV, which began when the pope delivered a beautiful, compassionate message for the Easter holiday calling for peace around the world. It does not come into my brain that anyone in the world hearing the Pope’s message of peace will have some kind of weird problem with it. Except for Trump, who posted on his social media website Truth Social that the leader of the Catholic church was “weak” and a “loser”. I am really starting to sour on this president. Look, President Trump, I know the Vatican’s been critical of your policies, but you gotta remember that at the end of the day you and the Catholic church both historically care deeply about the same thing – covering up sex scandals. —Jon Stewart

President Trump has criticized the pope, whom he has called a “loser”. According to one Italian religious historian, not even Hitler or Mussolini attacked the pope so directly and publicly. It’s never great when someone says, ‘You should really be more discreet and respectful. You know, like Hitler.’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”
 

The mainstream media aligns itself with power against the common man (ours has been seen wandering on a highway overpass)

The spacecraft Artemis II is now on its way home. That’s great, glad to hear that everything is working out, but how do I put this, fellas … not a great time to return to Earth. You might want to take a couple laps around the parking lot, till the explosions stop. —Stephen Colbert

The spaceship made it 252,756 miles from Earth – or, as the New York Times put it, the length of 728 million dachshunds, put nose-to-tail. Man, Americans will do anything to not use the metric system. —Stephen Colbert

And then there was Donald Trump’s ominous Tuesday morning post, in which he claimed that “a whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again”. OK, that is very upsetting by any measure. But I also want to point out that he doesn’t say which civilization will die tonight. Because ours has been seen wandering on a highway overpass. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you’re looking to buy a hotdog from a woman in a G-string, Florida is the place you want to be (That’s a bit much!)

The idea that Trump voted by mail at the same time he tried to ram this ‘save my fat orange ass’ act through Congress right now, which is a bill that would do away with mail-in ballots, has put leaders in the GOP in a bit of a pickle. Asked about this latest act of brazen hypocrisy, Mike Johnson, the Republican speaker of the House, attempted to sidestep. “I think some states have handled mail-in voting well,” he said. “I think Florida is a good example of that. They don’t allow fraud, they’ve got great systems. That is not true in other parts of the country,” like California. Listen, I’ve lived in both states, and the only thing Florida does better is get manatees addicted to meth, all right? If you’re looking to buy a hotdog from a woman in a G-string, Florida is the place you want to be. —Jimmy Kimmel

There are reports that Pentagon officials provided Trump with daily “sizzle reels” of military strikes in Iran to boost his mood. Just step back and think about this: every day, they’re bringing him these fun little action movies of us blowing stuff up. Everyone’s telling him how great he’s doing. He’s got four whole cable networks dedicated to kissing his ass 24/7. His staff is terrified to ever bring him any bad news, and he has the memory of a worm at the bottom of a bottle of mezcal. And this is the man in charge of sending our children to war – at least the ones whose dads don’t have a good podiatrist to get them out of it. Our own government is making war propaganda videos for the person running the war. Even Kim Jong-un is like, ‘That’s a bit much!’ —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore: New York Times ADMITS Iran Protests Were Engineered By MOSSAD!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fairly simple thing that happens to work (Portraits)

"My sister has multiple personalities. She called me the other day

and my caller ID exploded."--Zach Galifianakis

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I didn't say it. I declared it (panda steaks)

The University of Mississippi is hosting a panel on how the news media can regain trust featuring speaker Brian Stelter. This will be followed by a seminar titled How to Make Men Horny by Rosie O’Donnell. —Greg Gutfeld

A disaster was narrowly averted at New York airport when an Alaska Airlines flight narrowly missed, hitting a FedEx cargo plane. The crash could have killed hundreds and delayed RFK Jr.’s shipment of panda stakes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

most of it was ethically sourced from Chuck Schumer's ears (every single time it turns out they lied)

Kamala Harris was seen with a drag queen who was impersonating her. The impersonator was so convincing he's currently banging Willie Brown. —Greg Gutfeld

"Sunday night, reality star Lisa Rinna attended an Oscar party wearing a dress made from 11 pounds of human hair. But don't worry, most of it was ethically sourced from Chuck Schumer's ears. --Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Ooh, he’s so close to getting it (I’m sorry, I only read English, not wingdings)

President Trump gave a speech yesterday and said, “We’re not going to assume we have competent presidents, we’re gonna assume we have incompetent ones.”  Ooh, he’s so close to getting it. Just for the sake of argument, we have to consider that some day we might have the dumbest man alive as president. —Stephen Colbert

The conflict in the Middle East has had severe knock-on effects on the supply chain, with reports that we are amid the largest ever oil disruption. Tankers in the Persian Gulf and strait of Hormuz have burst into flames after coming under attack. Turns out you can’t just stir up historic levels of trouble and just be done with it. [Colbert as Trump]“Look, we opened a cursed mummy’s tomb, we took what we wanted and now we’re going to live happily ever after. They tell me there’s a sign up on the wall that says: ‘Eternal suffering to all who defile my resting place.’ I’m sorry, I only read English, not wingdings.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a war that got a thesaurus for Christmas (I went into this without a plan)

Folks, I really didn’t want to start the monologue by talking about the war, but in honor of this administration, I went into this without a plan. —Stephen Colbert

I say it’s a war because it sure looks like a war, and Trump keeps calling it a war, but Congress never declared it a war, and MAGA was promised no new wars, so the White House sent out a list of talking points to all the congressional Republicans telling them in no uncertain terms that if a reporter asked ‘Can you promise the American people this will not be a long-drawn out war?’, the answer to give is ‘These are targeted, major combat operations.’ So … it’s worse than a war. It’s a war that got a thesaurus for Christmas. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stuart Little and the Forbidden Cave (the media doesn't talk about it)

Hillary Clinton testified this week and said she's confident that Bill Clinton had no knowledge of Jeffrey Epstein's crimes, though there is an outside chance that Hillary sometimes doesn't know what her husband is up to. —Michael Che

Actress Amanda Seyfried revealed in an interview that, for a scene in her new movie, she used a prosthetic butthole. Even more disturbing, the movie is "Stuart Little and the Forbidden Cave.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the same technology they use to make fondue over at The View (The 1% that it does work for)

By the way, this year's Olympics will feature women's team curling. This is all part of an effort to show that some women still know how to use a broom. —Greg Gutfeld

At this year's Winter Olympics opening ceremony in Italy, two giant cauldrons were lit simultaneously. Fun fact, it's the same technology they use to make fondue over at The View. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, my record slurs for itself (It's our job to do the exact opposite)

This week, a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of vodka overturned in North Carolina. The driver is fine. He said he’s shaken, but not stirred. –Jimmy Fallon

"This week, our pal Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, 'Hey, my record slurs for itself.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Cicadas are coming back next month. These unusual insects spend almost all of their lives in holes underground and only emerge once every 17 years to mate. Sort of like any couple with a Netflix account. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one (Nope — just butts)

A Harvard psychologist who studies dreams recently said that dogs likely dream of our faces, our scents, and trying to please us. Then the dogs said, "Nope — just butts." –Jimmy Fallon

"Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, 'Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Three Men and Hundreds of Children (tear-away pants and a dog collar)

A county in Colorado just voted to put taxes from selling marijuana toward supporting college scholarships. And you can tell it's a weed scholarship, because it actually pays for 11 years of college. –Jimmy Fallon

But this isn't the first time the White House has had trouble with a press pass. There have been sort of notable problems with that process, including in the Bush administration when they gave a -- regularly, gave a day pass to someone who turned out to be a male escort. They knew something was up when he was the only reporter wearing tear-away pants and a dog collar. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”