unless they're downwind, then they're totally cool (So finally some good news for the Jonas Brothers)

"Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my "Go Iran" T-shirt?" –Conan O'Brien

"A major wildfire in northern California is now being blamed on marijuana farmers. Everyone in the region's really angry about it – unless they're downwind, then they're totally cool." –Conan O'Brien

An expert panel has recommended that a medically-induced pregnancy made from three people’s DNA could begin as early as next year. So finally some good news for the Jonas Brothers. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the only person Trump has ever trusted to handle the Epstein situation is a prison guard with the cameras off (37.7%)

President Trump addressed the nation about the war with Iran and threatened to "bring them back to the Stone Age where they belong.” And in the spirit of Easter, let me just say... Jesus Christ! —Colin Jost

This week, Attorney General Pam Bondi was asked to redact herself from her job. President Trump reportedly fired Bondi over her handling of the Epstein files... because the only person Trump has ever trusted to handle the Epstein situation is a prison guard with the cameras off. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I gave birth to a water cooler, Richard! (High School Musical 4)

A woman in Texas broke a hospital record recently after delivering a nearly 15-pound baby. So good luck to her husband on ever complaining about anything again. "Oh, you have a headache? I gave birth to a water cooler, Richard!" --Seth Meyers

Zac Efron will play serial killer Ted Bundy in an upcoming movie. Even weirder, the movie is “High School Musical 4.” --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They can't even afford to pay the pizza delivery guy? (they set up the other party to inflict new evils)

Here's a headline for you, Porn Star Gets Screwed. Adult film star Stormy Daniels today was ordered to pay president Trump nearly two hundred ninety three thousand dollars for legal fees. This is related to her defamation suit against the president which was tossed out in October. Two hundred and ninety three thousand dollars? How is a porn star gonna pay for that? They can't even afford to pay the pizza delivery guy? --Trevor Noah

“Honestly, these murder hornets just sound like psychos. They cut off the heads of bees and they mash up the thorax into a meatball and fly it back to feed their larvae. I thought only Rudy Giuliani fed his family that way.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump, he usually does exactly what people tell him to do (37.7%)

Yesterday Trump’s devoted wife Melania gave an interview to Anderson Cooper where she defended Donald, saying that Billy Bush basically manipulated her husband into saying those things. Because if there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump, he usually does exactly what people tell him to do. –James Corden

Today, the people of Massachusetts, where the first legal marijuana dispensaries opened and in the town of North Hampton, the first person in line to purchase weed was the mayor. There’s no word if the mayor used the marijuana, but he did spend the first twenty minutes of a press conference giggling about how Massachusetts has the word “ass” in it.  --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

40 cans of White Claw (jab-cross combo)

So, President Trump landed in Israel where he facilitated the release of the Israeli hostages. Meanwhile, Kamala Harris landed in Margaritaville where she facilitated the release of 40 cans of White Claw. —Greg Gutfeld

Hillary Clinton commended Trump for the peace deal in Gaza. I would say that hell is frozen over, but Hillary’s not due there for another six to eight years. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom (they set up the other party to inflict new evils)

Journalist Bob Woodward's new book detailing life within the Trump administration sold more than 750,000 copies in its first day of release. I guess it was pretty smart of him to call the book "Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom." --Seth Meyers

China is now home to the world’s longest glass bottom bridge, which hangs 600 feet over a canyon. It’s a great moneymaker. Access to the bridge is free, but they charge $400 for new pants. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK, I'll do it! I talked myself into it! (the lamest use of a magic wand)

In an interview this week, Jeb Bush said that if he had a magic wand, there are at least ten things that he would like to change about the Constitution. Then Jeb Bush was given the prize for "lamest use of a magic wand." --Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump just gave a big interview to the Hollywood Reporter. And when he was asked what actor he’d want to play him in a movie, he said, “Somebody really, really handsome.” Then he said, “OK, I'll do it! I talked myself into it!" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Business Class (work is bad for you)

A skydiver in California just became the first person to jump out of a plane from 25,000 feet without a parachute and land in a net. Or as Southwest Airlines calls that, “Business Class.” –Jimmy Fallon

A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he's been named head of programming at CNN (inflicting new evils)

Trump's tariffs brought in $64 billion in the second quarter. Even Biden officials were impressed, saying, "Think of how many drag shows in Africa that could pay for.” —Greg Gutfeld

A New York man who filmed up to 13,000 people in a hospital bathroom won't get jail time. But thanks to all that experience filming hours of crap, he's been named head of programming at CNN. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m. (cry closets)

Apparently, the library at the University of Utah has installed what they're calling a "Cry Closet." This is exactly what it sounds like. I promise this is true. It's a closet where stressed-out students can go to cry. Because there's nothing more comforting than being trapped in a tiny dark box. It's going to be a shock when those students graduate. Take it from me, there are no "Cry Closets" out here in the real world. You will have to use your car in the McDonald's parking lot like the rest of us. --James Corden

You know how sometimes when priests go to the Vatican they bring gifts for the Pope from their home region? Recently, a priest from Kentucky decided to give Pope Francis 10 bottles of whiskey — 10 bottles of whiskey, because nine's just not enough. Apparently, the Pope loves the Father, the Son, and ALL of the holy spirits. He got 10 bottles of whiskey, which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact he’s had to take a second shift at the Keebler factory (two people didn't want to miss work)

The DNC has assembled a group of so-called experts to fight Trump's agenda calling it the people's cabinet. 4 foot 11 inch Robert Reich is a member, because he could fit in the cabinet. Reich said Trump's policies will devastate the job market. In fact he’s had to take a second shift at the Keebler factory. —Greg Gutfeld

Protests were held nationwide this weekend against Doge, Trump and Musk. They held it on the weekend because two people didn't want to miss work. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the only way for young people to pay off their student loans is by dating Bill Belichick (Recruitment Ad)

President Trump posted an AI generated video featuring a transformed Gaza with a Trump Hotel, bearded belly dancers and Benjamin Netanyahu lounging on a beach. The video was titled ISIS Recruitment Ad. —Michael Che

Last week, a US appeals court blocked a Biden era student debt relief plan, which means the only way for young people to pay off their student loans is by dating Bill Belichick. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in critical condition (Dammit, why did I get this)

A brawl broke out in a Canadian nursing home when a 79 year old woman took the seat of an 86 year old during a Bingo game. It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in critical condition. --Michael Che, SNL

A new study shows that the Covid vaccine does not cause infertility in men or women. ‘Dammit, why did I get this.’ —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All these years, I don’t know why no one else thought to call shotgun on the Holy Land (Oh, we can tell)

At a White House news conference on Tuesday, President Trump said the United States should take over Gaza, which he said could be turned into “the Riviera of the Middle East” once all the Palestinians there had been moved out. “All these years, I don’t know why no one else thought to call shotgun on the Holy Land.” — Stephen Colbert 

“A source close to the president said it was Trump’s own idea. Everyone was like, ‘Oh, we can tell.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Trump wants to take over Greenland, Canada and now the Gaza Strip. He’s like everyone at 2 a.m., drunk-ordering off Amazon: ‘[slurring] I’m going to — I’m going to add Gaza Strip to the cart. I want Gaza Strip.” — Jimmy Fallon

“The only thing the United Nations and the Taliban have in common is they both think this is a terrible idea.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Excuse me while I go set my house on fire (free lap dances)

President Trump also suggested taking over Gaza. His first project, opening a gentleman's club called the Gaza Strip. —Greg Gutfeld

   

Democrats have already filed new impeachment articles against Trump over his proposed plan in Gaza. Well there goes their free lap dances at the Gaza Strip. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump's proposed budget bill will feature roughly $1 trillion dollars worth of spending cuts. But this is nice, he's leaving in a few extra bucks to buy some clothes for Kanye’s wife. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And every single time it turns out they lied (Path to peace)

At a rally in a Pennsylvania high school, Elon Musk promoted the debunked theory that Dominion Voting Systems rigged the 2020 election, saying, quote, the last thing I would do is trust a computer program, you know, like the ones driving all of his cars. —Colin Jost

President Biden also said that he hopes that the death of the leader of Hamas will be a path to peace in Gaza. Path to peace is also the name of the home Biden's moving into in about three months. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It will make Hillary's loss in 2016 look respectable (I want to change my Supreme Court nominee)

Kanye West said that Kim Kardashian is actually enrolled in law school. When he found out, President Trump said, "I want to change my Supreme Court nominee. Can we do that now? Is it too late?" --Jimmy Fallon

"Vice President Dick Cheney had a closed door meeting with House Republicans to discuss foreign policy issues. He wanted to sit down with them and have a real heart to…whatever is in there at this point." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s like a dream come true (Maybe he is planning to feed Jeb Bush to his dragons)

Meanwhile, in Washington, all eyes were off the court and on Congress for the main event tomorrow. Former FBI Director James Comey will appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee to spill the beans on President Trump, which when you think about it on a human level, is pretty great for James Comey. Can you imagine getting fired and then the next thing you know, you get to trash talk your boss in front of the whole world? It’s like a dream come true. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump says what they're doing is disgraceful and there should be consequences for it. What consequences? I don't know. Maybe he is planning to feed Jeb Bush to his dragons. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s like if OJ’s buddies at his trial were Charles Manson and Hannibal Lecter (someone else’s porn star hush-money trial)

Donald Trump was back in court on Thursday for his criminal hush-money trial, with several congressional Republicans in tow for support, including JD Vance, Lauren Boebert, Tim Scott and Matt Gaetz. Man, Beavis and Butthead are everywhere. Seriously, there are more Republican members of Congress at Trump’s criminal trial than there are at the Capitol. Just going to throw this out there – might be a good day to storm it? —Seth Meyers

“If you’re on trial for a criminal charge where character is central to the case, Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert aren’t exactly the role models you want with you in the room. That’s like if OJ’s buddies at his trial were Charles Manson and Hannibal Lecter.” —Seth Meyers

Nevertheless, Gaetz and Boebert were reportedly sitting in the front row of the courtroom. Sitting front row at the Trump trial must be like the Maga version of sitting courtside at a Knicks game, except if someone says, ‘Wow, they’re even bigger up close,’ they’re talking about the bags under Trump’s eyes. This is how grimy and pathetic the Republican party has become: the only thing sadder than having to sit in a dreary New York City courtroom for your porn star hush-money trial is sitting in a dreary New York City courtroom for someone else’s porn star hush-money trial. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”