Sorry, dude. You had your shot (Ouija board/Crying is not an emergency)

The CDC named mosquitoes as the world's deadliest animal, blaming it on 700,000 deaths each year, except for 2021 when another blood sucker called Fauci came in first. —Greg Gutfeld 

45 years after a lovesick John Hinckley tried to kill President Reagan in an attempt to impress Jodie Foster, Hinckley's reached out to the actress again. Sorry, dude. You had your shot. —Greg Gutfeld 

ICE will be given gloves that produce electric shocks to deal with rioters. After hearing the news, Don Lemon claimed there's an illegal immigrant up his butt. —Greg Gutfeld 

Kentucky governor Andy Beshear claimed he had not heard from Mitch McConnell about his recovery process. He thinks the main problem is that his Ouija board isn’t working. —Kat Timpf 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, at least we know Mitch McConnell is safe (Lab Rats)

RFK Jr. has cut government ties with a Kentucky medical group that removed organs from victims that were still alive. Still alive? Huh? Well, at least we know Mitch McConnell is safe. –Greg Gutfeld 

A Florida steakhouse is inviting their customers to dine in the nude, meaning you now have more options when it comes to hair in your food. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, there goes my Christmas card idea (people feel the same way about Facebook as they do about the McRib)

"President Obama said he will not release the photo of Osama bin Laden's dead body. Well, there goes my Christmas card idea." –Jimmy Fallon

Most Americans said they still like Facebook, but they don't trust it. So basically, people feel the same way about Facebook as they do about the McRib. --Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush and Bill Clinton sat next to each other at the big game. Clinton congratulated UConn on its big win, while Bush gave Kentucky a 'Mission Accomplished' banner." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Kentucky vs. Santa Clara

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Heated Rivalry (Hey look, the aliens are...)

A passenger on Japan Airlines posted a picture of a seat cushion on the plane that features a cheek-splitter wedge in the middle, which is very confusing because "Cheek Splitter" is also the Japanese title for "Heated Rivalry.” —Michael Che

Kentucky police arrested a man after he was caught having sex with a dead deer. I know. Worse, it wasn't dead when he started. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she should have been worried about them voting (Oh, wait)

Then again, why wouldn’t Ted Cruz win in Texas? Because at the end of the day, real cowboys only love three things. Barbecue, rodeo, and Canadians who went to Princeton and Harvard. --Stephen Colbert

In Mitch McConnell’s home state of Kentucky, anti-gay marriage county clerk Kim Davis lost her re-election. All this time she was worried about gay people getting married, when she should have been worried about them voting. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Frankenstein with an ACL tear (and you never hear sh*t about the other 50 areas)

“Maga is trying to reconcile their loyalty to Trump and their demand to see the Epstein files,” as Trump lashes out at Republicans asking for more information, such as Kentucky representative Thomas Massie, who introduced a House resolution ordering the justice department and the FBI to release “all unclassified records, documents, communications, and investigative materials” in their possession. Trump blasted Massie online, calling him “lazy and slow-moving” – which are obviously the most accurate ways to describe Donald Trump. He moves like his entire diet consists of eucalyptus leaves. Even a Trump fan can’t deny that he lumbers like Frankenstein with an ACL tear. —Seth Meyers

“Trump is so scared of whatever is in those files, the Republicans have decided that instead of voting, they should just all go home. The House speaker, Mike Johnson, sent Congress home on an early summer recess to avoid any vote on the issue. The more you try to hide something, the more people want to see what it is. That’s why people still talk about Area 51, and you never hear shit about the other 50 areas.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What about Mrs. Paul Revere and her fish sticks? (wife No. 7)

"Rush Limbaugh got married for the fourth time on Saturday. He's 59; she's 33. So, I'm doing the math. That means when she's 40, he'll be on wife No. 7." –Jay Leno

"Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin came under fire for her statements about Paul Revere, and today she made it worse. She said, 'What about Mrs. Paul Revere and her fish sticks?'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That can only mean one thing: He’s running for president (let them eat pigeons)

In congressional news, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, announced his retirement from leading Republicans, effective November, on the Senate floor. He’ll be retiring to the Galápagos Islands, to spend more time with the other 500-year-old turtles. —Jimmy Kimmel

On Wednesday, Mitch McConnell of Kentucky said he would step down this year from his long-held position as leader of the Senate Republicans. McConnell just turned 82, so that can only mean one thing: He’s running for president. —Jimmy Fallon

McConnell said that it’s time for the next generation of leadership. Then he looked around the Senate and realized the next generation is 75. —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday (Whoomp! There It Is)

John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old. Her name is Mable. She was a nurse in the Korean War. Lovely girl." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush arrived in Austria for a summit yesterday. Bush was greeted by protestors banging drums and blowing whistles. There was an awkward moment when the president asked the protestors to play 'Whoomp! There It Is.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran (Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it)

"Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran." –Jay Leno

 "A new study shows that home births are up 20% in the United States. More and more moms are giving birth at home. Or as in Arnold Schwarzenegger's case, giving birth in the home they're cleaning." –Jay Leno

"CNN was first to announce the decision, but they got it wrong. They said the healthcare mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

We don't want your socialist ideas around here (That's a long time, even for a leprechaun)

A new Quinnipiac University poll has Trump and Clinton almost tied. This is the first tie for Donald Trump that wasn't manufactured in China. –Jimmy Kimmel

"British Petroleum is running with this, I guess. Their company newsletter has an article that says most gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Some of the counts Rod Blagojevich was convicted of carry 10- to 20-year sentences, so he could be facing up to 300 years in prison. That's a long time, even for a leprechaun." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was like watching a really good special ed teacher (it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious)

“Mitt Romney is not a regular guy. He was campaigning in Mississippi this week and said ‘some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf.’” –Bill Maher

“Rush Limbaugh has lost so many advertisers that on Thursday there was five minutes on his show of dead air. And most observers agree he’s never been so eloquent. “–Bill Maher

"President Obama met with the Republicans for seven hours. And he was very patient with them. He praised them when it was appropriate, he was gently critical when necessary. It was like watching a really good special ed teacher." –Bill Maher

"Senator Mitch McConnell came out for legalizing hemp. He said during these tough economic times, this legislation has the potential to create jobs, provide a boost to Kentucky's economy and our farmers, and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's being kept in a hospital overnight for observation (She broke the Kentucky rule)

“A Kentucky woman has been arrested for giving a 1-year-old child beer and rum. She broke the Kentucky rule — never mix beer and liquor.” —Conan O’Brien

After losing in Wisconsin, there has been a big shake-up in the Trump campaign staff. In fact, the guy in charge of racist comments is now in charge of sexist comments. –Conan O’Brien

“Vin Diesel said that "Fast and Furious 7" will win the Oscar for best picture. He's being kept in a hospital overnight for observation.”—Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I feel like the record is longer than that said the people of New Orleans (Don’t get on that boat!)

March 2023

President Biden said that he supports a bill that would allow the government to ban TikTok. But only because Biden thinks TikTok is a gang member from his old neighborhood. —Michael Che

It was reported that the organizers of King Charles’ coronation have officially invited Meghan Markle, and this is nice, at a starting salary of $19 an hour. —Michael Che

A deep sea diver has announced plans to set a new world record by living underwater for 100 days. I feel like the record is longer than that said the people of New Orleans. —Michael Che

A photo has gone viral of a 98 year old woman in Kentucky meeting her first great great great grandchild. Wow, I wish I had gotten to meet my great great great grandmother so I could have told her, ‘Don’t get on that boat!’ —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The master's tools will never dismantle the master's house (Of course, my favorite, plan double-D/This factory is terrible)

Over the weekend, a man in Kentucky caught a 20-pound goldfish. The hard part will be flushing it down the toilet when it dies. Get the plunger. --Jimmy Fallon

But President Trump's got a lot going on. In the Oval Office today, he was asked if he had a backup plan if Venezuela's president doesn't step down. A reporter asked Trump, “If President Maduro stays in power, do you have a plan "B"?” Donald Trump, “I always have plan "B" and "C" and "D" and "E" and "F." Fallon as Trump, “We got Plan G. Preparation H. Of course, my favorite, plan double-D." --Jimmy Fallon

"Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I'm worried it'll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, 'This factory is terrible.'" –Jimmy Fallon

And tomorrow, Auntie Anne's is offering a special on heart-shaped pretzels. That's a great deal for all you hopeless romantics taking your dates to LaGuardia. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He has the flexibility of a Mr. Potato Head who got dropped in the toilet (He’s almost a zen master now/The defense rests)

January 2023

“Meta has reinstated Donald Trump to Facebook and Instagram, with new ‘guardrails’ in place to deter repeat offenses. Oh, those will work. I’m sure this time he’ll be very well-behaved. Ever since he commanded an army of dim-witted goons to overthrow the government, he’s shown a lot of restraint. He’s almost a zen master now.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“We are bracing for potential criminal charges against Trump and associates such as Rudy Giuliani for their role in trying to overturn the 2020 election in Georgia. My sympathies to the grand jury members who had to sit there and listen to Rudy Giuliani for six hours in his deposition. And that probably feels like 12 hours to Rudy, because as we discovered during a recent disciplinary hearing conducted via Zoom, he sometimes wears two watches by accident. If I’m Rudy’s attorney, that’s my entire defense. I’ll just let the prosecution go on for weeks on end, building a case that my client committed conspiracy. When it’s my turn, I’d stand up, face the jury and say ‘he didn’t know he had two watches on. And the defense rests.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The district attorney in Georgia’s Fulton county, Fani Willis, said a decision on criminal charges based on the investigation into Trump’s efforts to overturn the 2020 election was imminent. Still, I gave up a long time ago predicting whether Trump will ever be indicted because he seems to wriggle his way out of every jam he’s ever been in, which is surprising given that he has the flexibility of a Mr. Potato Head who got dropped in the toilet.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

according to the Constitution, if they don't have a speaker by tomorrow, the top contenders have to compete in a dance-off (parking space)

January 2023

“At this point, Kevin McCarthy's so unpopular, even Southwest Airlines feels bad for him, you know?” —Jimmy Fallon

“But this is interesting -- according to the Constitution, if they don't have a speaker by tomorrow, the top contenders have to compete in a dance-off.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That's right, McCarthy has already lost six votes to get the job. It's pretty humiliating, but he's not giving up. He's even got a different campaign slogan for each round of voting. For the first vote, his slogan was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. I’ll speak for you.’ For the second vote, it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Second times a charm.’ For the third vote, it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Okay, what they hell, guys?’ For the next vote, it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Is this cuz I sent everyone edible arrangements for Christmas?’ Then it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Wait, now I’m losing to the avocado from The Masked Singer?’ Next it’s… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Look, I’m not going to beg.’ Then it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Alright, I’m begging.’ Then it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Whoever wrote-in Wednesday Addams on the last ballot can shove it. If Thing were here, he’d give you the finger.’ Then it was… ‘McCarthy for Speaker. I’m honestly starting to think this is personal.’ And finally, it’s... ‘McCarthy for Speaker. Guess I’ll be the first republican to storm Out of the capitol.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, President Biden travelled to Kentucky where he made a rare joint appearance with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. It was actually a very sweet moment when they fell asleep during each other's speeches.” —Jimmy Fallon

“McConnell even got to ride in the presidential limo. And unlike Trump, Biden didn't have the car suddenly pull away every time Mitch tried to get in.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today they released one of our prisoners and in return we sent back one of their shortstops (Hope and Pinot Grigio)

"Today President Obama announced that the U.S. is working to improve its relationship with Cuba in an effort to normalize full diplomatic relations. For instance, today they released one of our prisoners and in return we sent back one of their shortstops." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today everyone was busy looking at all the different numbers, trying to figure out who voted for which candidate. President Obama beat Mitt Romney by 38 points among single women. They say it’s because of Obama’s final campaign slogan, 'Hope and Pinot Grigio.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rand Paul, the senator from Kentucky, keeps getting into trouble. They say he actually plagiarized an entire section of his 2012 book, 'Government Bullies.' When asked for comment, Paul said, 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because that’s what people who buy sex robots want: follow-up questions (Sit With Us)

According to a nationwide customer survey, Americans have named Taco Bell as the best Mexican restaurant in the U.S. Said Mexico, "OK, yeah. We're ready for the wall. Just do it. Fine. It's fine with us now." --Seth Meyers

A high school student has developed an app that helps teens locate a welcoming group of kids in the lunchroom called “Sit With Us” — or as bullies call it, “Victim Finder.” –Seth Meyers

A company in California will unveil the world’s first talking sex robot in January. Because that’s what people who buy sex robots want: follow-up questions. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”