90 days until the next insurrection (traveling all across the country trying to compliment as many people’s butts as he possibly can)

President Trump’s ‘Tone-Deaf Comedy Jam’ got tripped up by a heckler at a Mississippi rally who told Trump where he should “shove that ballroom.” Wouldn’t it be a shame if people started yelling that everywhere he goes You know what would be even worse? If people started printing it on shirts? Please, please don’t do this at his next rally tomorrow in Ohio. Or the next one in South Carolina. Please. It’s beneath us. — Jimmy Kimmel

I‘m not a polling expert, but Trump getting heckled in Mississippi might not be a great sign for Republicans. I’m just saying. That’s like Bernie Sanders getting heckled in the vegan aisle of a Trader Joe’s. — Jimmy Fallon

“The midterms are a week away. Hard to believe, isn’t it? Only two more weeks until there’s two more years until there’s 90 days until the next insurrection.” — Seth Meyers

“Well, guys, we are officially one week away from midterm elections. Yeah, it’s the final sprint to Election Day, and President Trump is traveling all across the country trying to compliment as many people’s butts as he possibly can.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s like a burp, a hiccup and a dry heave all in one (Brussels sprouts)

“That’s like a burp, a hiccup and a dry heave all in one.” — Jimmy Fallon, on the strange sound Trump made during Wednesday’s rally

“Sounds like Melania on their wedding night.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Trump’s been in so many M.R.I. machines, he now sounds like one.” — Jimmy Fallon

“I think it’s a little weird to mention a fellow Republican and then make the same sound a 5-year-old makes when you dump Brussels sprouts on his plate.” — Seth Meyers

“You sounded less like a president and more like a bullfrog.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

$10 gas is fine but I’ll be dead and buried before I recognize the Atlantic Ocean (12 days before this election)

During a rally in South Carolina on Wednesday, President Trump again floated the idea of renaming either the Pacific or Atlantic as “Trump Ocean” or “Ocean of the Americas.” OK, what voters is he trying to appeal to? ‘[imitating Trump voter] $10 gas is fine but I’ll be dead and buried before I recognize the Atlantic Ocean.’ — Seth Meyers

“Once again, 12 days before this election, it’s good to see him locked in on the really big issues.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is the camera like, statutory? (a word he learned from his best friend Jeffrey Epstein)

“Republicans got some very bad tidings from the fake liberal media, as even the president’s former favorite, Fox News, predicts that Democrats will flip the House in the midterms. The network also betrayed Daddy with a new poll that said his approval rating is now at 36%, its lowest point ever, while traffic to Trump’s social media site, Truth Social, is down 30% year to year. 

He seems to be the only one who posts to Truth Social. And I seem to be the only one who reads those posts on Truth Social. It’s really just the two of us. Don Jr. hasn’t posted on Truth Social in two months. Even Eric hasn’t posted since July. His own stupid sons have forsaken him!

But people are still showing up by the dozens to see him in person. Trump has been touring and boring the country all this month, to remind voters what an amazing job he thinks he’s doing, and to castigate the fake news for not turning the cameras around to show the size of his crowds.

At one of his rallies on Thursdays, Trump pursued such a point in his usual nonlinear fashion and wondered: “Is the camera like, statutory? Is it like a statue, you cannot move it?” Statutory – it’s a word he learned from his best friend Jeffrey Epstein. —Jimmy Kimmel  

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The most unrealistic part of that video is him running (Here's a little song I wrote...)

“We’re three weeks away from the midterm elections, and the president is laser-focused. In reality, the president spent part of his afternoon yesterday posting videos of humans getting attacked by animals, including a real clip of a man getting mauled to death by a tiger at a South Yorkshire zoo last week, after he scaled a fence and entered the enclosure. I’m sure the guy’s family was thrilled to see Trump having fun with it. But he needed it to set up this delightful AI video – I’m sorry, SI video – of himself wrestling and ultimately taming a tiger of his own. In the AI-generated clip, Trump chases, tackles and eventually hugs a tiger. The most unrealistic part of that video is him running.” —Jimmy Kimmel 

Still, as congressional races heat up across the country, Trump resumed his preferred mode: on the campaign trail. The president held two rallies on Wednesday, in Arizona and Montana. You know, it used to be when an 80-year-old traveled between Montana and Arizona, it was to beat their tuberculosis. —Jimmy Kimmel 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and a moat and an "elwavator" and a "waser" gun and a giant water “swide"! (the lit end)

President Trump is now claiming that the new White House ballroom will have armed drones and a moat and an "elwavator" and a "waser" gun and a giant water “swide"! —Michael Che 

A new report shows that Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, who is running as a Republican for Senate, has taken more than 275 out-of-state trips while in office. Damn. He must have needed a lot of abortions. —Michael Che 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unlimited free electricity is a problem (blowing the seeds off a dandelion)

During a Hispanic Heritage Month celebration at the White House, in which President Trump showed attendees the new ballroom floor, he warned them about falling over the edge, but added, "Only a Hispanic could survive that fall…" ...which got no reaction from the crowd because people prefer racism to make sense. —Colin Jost 

Republicans in Texas are attacking Democratic Senate nominee James Talarico by questioning his masculinity and calling him “Low-T." Talarico said he wished people would stop saying that as he blew the seeds off a dandelion. —Colin Jost 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have made a terrible mistake (because there's still time for Democrats to blow this thing)

Former Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem posted a picture of an enormous elk she killed during a hunting trip. Worse, she killed the elk by shooting her dog at it. —Colin Jost 

Kamala Harris has reportedly offered to campaign with Democratic candidates before the midterms because there's still time for Democrats to blow this thing. —Colin Jost 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s fun to have a video of the exact moment you lost your campaign (Me next, uppy, uppy!)

During a campaign rally on Saturday, Vivek Ramaswamy, who is running for governor of Ohio, struggled to lift a boy into the air, letting the child slip back to the ground before regaining his grip. It’s fun to have a video of the exact moment you lost your campaign. — Jimmy Fallon

“It got worse when Trump was like, ‘Me next, uppy, uppy!’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it appears they still have to amputate an arm so she can pay for it (if he had dropped him on his head)

So on Saturday, Donald Trump told Ohio voters regarding the upcoming election that we're going to win big and we're going to shove it up their ass. And the Democrats are torn. They don't want Republicans to win, but they love things shoved up their butts. —Greg Gutfeld 

An Ohio cancer patient is suing a hospital after a surgeon allegedly amputated the wrong leg. Worse, now it appears they still have to amputate an arm so she can pay for it. —Greg Gutfeld 

“Doctors were relieved that Vivek Ramaswany caught the child knowing that if he had dropped him on his head, he might wind up voting Democrat.” — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And I'm the low ratings dummy? (With liberty and justice for all)

Well, and this really happened this week in America, which used to be a real country. At the convention, he made everybody put their hand up and do a new Pledge of Allegiance. I brought it with me. This is the president of the United States, and this is what he had people say. "I pledge to the greatest president in the history of the United States that loves us so much that he can't even breathe...that I will go out with my family, my friends. I don't care if I'm registered or not. I'm going to try and cheat like hell like they do." With liberty and justice for all. —Bill Maher 

I got nothing anymore. I don't. And, of course, of course, Trump had to claim that the convention hall was packed, even though, you know, if you ignored the empty seats, yes, it did look packed. Of course! You went against football?! You went against the opening two nights of football? Wow. The one thing that people still watch on television. Trump's convention on Fox News got less than what Hannity and Gutfeld get on a regular night. And I'm the low ratings dummy? —Bill Maher 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And this is while he was campaigning. Apparently for the Democrats (have the Russians pay for it)

Trump, I got to tell you, this guy, he is a different kind of politician. Normally, the-- the president, when the gas prices are high, are like, "We're sorry, we're gonna do anything we can." Trump is like, "Stop your bitching." Really, he said it yesterday. He said, "It's a very inexpensive price for what we're getting done in Iran." And this is while he was campaigning. Apparently for the Democrats. —Bill Maher 

This is his attitude. Stop your bitching about all high prices, not just gas, beef, everything else that's high. He says, "Save your money somewhere else." Buy bargain brands, get your own snacks at the movies. If your son is getting remarried, have the Russians pay for it. —Bill Maher 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think Donald Trump just invented the libe (these abs aren't going to shred themselves)

Millions of kids are going back to school this week. In fact, classrooms are so crowded this year, teachers are being asked to have sex with two students at a time. —Greg Gutfeld 

Now, I have to admit, I didn't watch Trump’s midterm convention. Not cuz I didn't want to. I just had other stuff to do. It's only 178 days till spring break. And these abs aren't going to shred themselves. —Greg Gutfeld 

Later in his hour-plus speech, Trump promised to send $5,000 to every adult US citizen should the Republican party win the US House and Senate in November. I spent all day today trying to decide whether that was a bribe or a lie, and I think it might be both things? I think Donald Trump just invented the libe. —Jimmy Kimmel 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was the first time Trump’s been in a room where he was awake and everyone else was asleep (unpaid wages)

“If you believe Donald Trump is going to give you $5,000 if the Republicans win, I have a Mexican-paid wall, a privately-funded ballroom, and a three-day long Iran war to sell you, OK?” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Well, guys, the two-day Republican midterm convention just wrapped up, and last night, President Trump made a keynote address and spoke for nearly two hours. It was the first time Trump’s been in a room where he was awake and everyone else was asleep.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s two trips to the grocery store (we should be faking our own death and starting a new life in Thailand)

During his keynote speech at the G.O.P. midterm convention in Dallas on Wednesday, President Trump promised that he would give every American $5,000 if Republicans retained control of both the House and Senate in the upcoming elections. $5,000? That’s two trips to the grocery store. — Michael Kosta

“I like how Trump calls this a dividend. Do you know when businesses hand out dividends? When they’re raking in money. The last time I checked, we, as a country, have negative $40 trillion of money. America should not be handing out dividends — we should be faking our own death and starting a new life in Thailand.” — Michael Kosta

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only catch is the money must be spent at the Mar-a-Lago gift shop (the best use of our military)

During his keynote speech at the G.O.P. midterm convention in Dallas on Wednesday, President Trump promised that he would give every American $5,000 if Republicans retained control of both the House and Senate in the upcoming elections. Now, I know that sounds like a bribe. In Trump’s defense, he’s never going to pay us, so technically it’s not a bribe. —Jimmy Fallon

“$5,000 for everyone. The only catch is the money must be spent at the Mar-a-Lago gift shop.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't have that kind of range (in Minnesota, I’m considered black)

According to a latest poll California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating is down to 30%. After hearing this Arnold said I'm not gonna act all hurt and upset because I don't have that kind of range. --Conan O’Brien 11/10/2005

Minnesota’s Mall of America has hired its first-ever black Santa Claus. Which sounds like a big deal until you realize that in Minnesota, I’m considered black. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s all we needed to hear, said Child Protective Services (I am already in misery)

According to Axios, President Trump is adding an 11th rally ahead of the upcoming midterms that will take place in Missouri. When asked if she was going with him, Melania said, "I am already in misery." --Seth Meyers

That’s right. According to a new poll, 29% of people believe President Trump is a good role model for children. ”That’s all we needed to hear,” said Child Protective Services. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course, the challenge isn’t finding one, it’s picking one (Or as he calls it, the c-word)

In Venezuela, and Trump decided not to hand over the reins of power to exiled opposition leader María Corina Machado, reportedly because he remains upset that she won the Nobel Peace prize over him. (The Nobel committee, of course, never confirmed that Trump was in the running.) Asked by Sean Hannity if she had offered to give the Nobel Peace prize to Trump, Machado appeared conciliatory: “It hasn’t happened yet,” she said, “but I would certainly love to be able to personally tell him … that this is a prize of the Venezuelan people, certainly gone to give to him, to share it with him.” Ooh, rookie move. I know you’re trying to kiss his ass, but you lost him the moment you used to word share. Or as he calls it, the c-word. —Stephen Colbert

According to a new poll, 44% of Republicans would support amending the constitution to allow Trump to seek a third term, while the other 56% said ‘he’s only on his second term?!’ —Seth Meyers

Trump also told House Republicans that they had to win the midterms this year because if they didn’t, “they’ll find a reason to impeach me”. Of course, the challenge isn’t finding one, it’s picking one. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Time to party like it's 1939! (Mmmm, peach)

Sources say that Donald Trump is already finalizing his cabinet in case he wins tomorrow. Rudy Giuliani would be attorney general, Newt Gingrich would be secretary of state, and Chris Christie would be the wall. –Jimmy Fallon

"The big news is the midterm elections. Last night Republicans picked up a dozen seats in the House to give them their biggest majority since World War II. Or as they put it, 'Time to party like it's 1939!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey’s Chris Christie is still digging himself out of this scandal, Bridgegate. In fact, some experts are now saying he could be impeached. When he heard that Christie said, 'Mmmm, peach." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”