husbands and boyfriends were already gone (penalty kicks)

President Trump’s approval rating is at just 36 percent, which is even lower than Obama’s ever was. The only time Obama came close to that was when he had that meeting with Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What else you got? (soufflé)

A study reveals that the best way to add years to your life is to

exercise, lose weight, and not drink too much. To which all of

America replied, "What else you got?" --Conan O’Brien

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is coming out with a cookbook. The cookbook teaches you how to make a soufflé that falls then re-inflates at halftime. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wonder if you can taste the difference? (dead air)

Scientists in the Netherlands are using microscopic robots to create bionic sperm. Huh. I wonder if you can taste the difference? —Greg Gutfeld

Jimmy Kimmel is still on hiatus from his late night show, but he's scheduled to return to it tomorrow night. All right. But when asked why the network didn't show best of Jimmy Kimmel episodes to fill the dead air, they said that dead air is the best of Jimmy Kimmel. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I will never have to take Viagra again (Jeb Bush's spirit)

It came out that Donald Trump ranks his favorite Fox News reporters on how much they are loyal to him. Sean Hannity gets a 10. He gets an 11 if he’s wearing heels. But Trump’s top ranking host is Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy, who gets a 12. When Doocy heard this he said, “I will never have to take Viagra again.” --Jimmy Kimmel

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

All the candidates have merchandise for sale. Even the candidates who've dropped out. Jeb Bush has the “Guaca Bowle.” This is a guacamole bowl with Jeb's logo on it. Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush's spirit. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's expected to receive 12 months of probation and a spinoff (California's version has avocado on it)

"A federal judge ruled yesterday that California's version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently the difference is California's version has avocado on it." –Seth Meyers

Today is National Hammock Day. And just like a hammock, I can't get into it. —Seth Meyers

The 17-year-old daughter of one of the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" was arrested today for DUI and driving on a suspended license. She's expected to receive 12 months of probation and a spinoff. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z (You're not invited)

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is saying she still hasn’t been invited to the Republican National Convention next month. The RNC says it’s all a misunderstanding — as in, Palin misunderstands the meaning of the phrase, 'You're not invited.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the season premiere of “Game of Thrones.” No spoilers! But HBO’s streaming site crashed during the episode. That’s how crazy this show has gotten: They are killing off websites now. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

the man actually felt positive about the experience because he said the glass was half full (and honestly after a few beers, I would)

Apple has launched a new feature called Pay Later that lets users spread out payments for Apps over the course of six weeks. And this has also launched my new favorite insult, 'Your momma’s so poor she put Candy Crush on layaway'. —Colin Jost

Doctors in Nepal saved a man after he inserted a water glass into his rectum for sexual gratification and it got stuck. But I think the man actually felt positive about the experience because he said the glass was half full. —Colin Jost

A sperm donor in the Netherlands, who allegedly fathered more than 500 children is being sued for increasing the risk of ‘accidental incest’ among the kids. Accidental Incest is also the title of the worst American Pie sequel. —Colin Jost   

The New York City Fire Department rescued five children who got themselves lost in the Staten Island sewer system. While it’s hard to believe that a place that filthy and disgusting also has a sewer system. —Michael Che

Build-A-Bear has introduced a new RuPaul doll, and honestly after a few beers, I would. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who wants to lick the swatter? (They’re seasoned with garlic AND Purell)

“As for calls from some pundits to send people back to work or sacrifice lives for the the economy – maybe what happened here is a bunch of rich people realized that in order to both save lives and protect the economy, they’d have to redistribute some wealth to working people, and that was intolerable to them. Because there’s a third option here: we can keep people at home to save lives and give them money to get through the crisis. Other countries, such as Denmark and the Netherlands, have guaranteed to pay most of the salaries for companies shut down by the pandemic. We could have that here. Instead, the president wants you to go back to work in three weeks even if it means wearing a hazmat suit during your shift at Olive Garden – ‘Would you like unlimited breadsticks? They’re seasoned with garlic AND Purell.’” —Seth Meyers

“From the very start of this crisis, Donald Trump has desperately tried to wish it away with magical thinking. Which makes sense, because for most of his life, magical thinking has worked for him. I mean, he’s failed at virtually everything he’s ever done, but magically, he always avoids consequences. Trump’s handling of the pandemic is like those stories you hear about a small town that elects a dog as mayor every year – sure, it might seem fun at the time to have a dog mayor but what happens when there’s a thunderstorm, and you need the mayor to coordinate disaster relief, but he won’t come out from underneath the couch.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition (I don't always aim...)

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were

Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the

Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically

all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit

edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

They did a study, there's an increase in fatal heart attacks in the three days after we change the clocks. Probably from looking at your watch, realizing you were supposed to have picked up your kid at preschool an hour ago. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden did well with voters over 45, and Bernie Sanders did well with voters under 45. Basically, if you’re a Democrat who’s had a colonoscopy, Joe is your guy.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we don’t know exactly what happened at that dinner except that nobody ordered latkes (I assume they play in clogs)

November 2022

“We are delighted over the US team’s win over Iran at the World Cup: It was win or go home, and we won, baby! It was a tense and thrilling match and I feel comfortable about the team’s next game opposite the Netherlands. Oh, we can take the Dutch. I assume they play in clogs.” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump’s dinner with Nick Fuentes, a prominent white supremacist, we don’t know exactly what happened at that dinner except that nobody ordered latkes.” —Trevor Noah

“Several Republicans criticized Trump for hosting two neo-Nazis. It’s so funny to watch Republicans try to chastise Trump for hanging out with someone who has the exact same views as him without chastising Trump for having those views.” —Trevor Noah

“It is nice to see Republican officials speak out against Trump for a change, but there tends to be a predictable formula. They get mad for a little while but get back together with him in the end. Trump scandals are basically like Hallmark movies … except Trump never actually changes and becomes a better person.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Best I can do is a cop or a warmonger (Moneybags McPantsuit)

Last night President Trump returned home from his trip to Finland. Trump walked into the White House and immediately texted Putin that he got home safe. --Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders gave a 23-minute speech at a conference last week after he endorsed Hillary Clinton, but he didn’t mention her by name. Though people had a pretty good idea who he was referring to when he mentioned “Moneybags McPantsuit.” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z (And if you don't know who to root for...)

July 2014

"Today, our show got nominated for six Emmy Awards! And if we win for best show, I promised to give the Emmy to my parents. And if we win for best writing, I promised to give the Emmy to Rob Ford. He wrote half our monologues." –Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"Argentina beat Holland in the World Cup semifinals yesterday and now Argentina will face Germany in the World Cup Finals. Argentina versus Germany. And if you don't know who to root for, imagine how elderly Nazis feel." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The father of ignorance and the weapon of tyrants (Would you like unlimited breadsticks?)

“As for calls from some pundits to send people back to work or sacrifice lives for the the economy – maybe what happened here is a bunch of rich people realized that in order to both save lives and protect the economy, they’d have to redistribute some wealth to working people, and that was intolerable to them. Because there’s a third option here: we can keep people at home to save lives and give them money to get through the crisis. Other countries, such as Denmark and the Netherlands, have guaranteed to pay most of the salaries for companies shut down by the pandemic. We could have that here. Instead, the president wants you to go back to work in three weeks even if it means wearing a hazmat suit during your shift at Olive Garden – ‘Would you like unlimited breadsticks? They’re seasoned with garlic AND Purell.’” —Seth Meyers

“From the very start of this crisis, Donald Trump has desperately tried to wish it away with magical thinking. Which makes sense, because for most of his life, magical thinking has worked for him. I mean, he’s failed at virtually everything he’s ever done, but magically, he always avoids consequences. Trump’s handling of the pandemic is like those stories you hear about a small town that elects a dog as mayor every year – sure, it might seem fun at the time to have a dog mayor but what happens when there’s a thunderstorm, and you need the mayor to coordinate disaster relief, but he won’t come out from underneath the couch.” —Seth Meyers

​​New Jersey police recently arrested a man for bringing a doughnut filled with Xanax pills to a local high school student. Officials first became suspicious when an adult man showed up to a high school to deliver a single doughnut. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition (So he’s been training for this really for his whole life)

"Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone's native land and tell them they're speaking the wrong language." –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is right now gearing up for his first State of the Union speech; it’s tomorrow night. State of the Union is the one day of the year presidents are supposed to brag about their accomplishments. So he’s been training for this really for his whole life. --Jimmy Kimmel

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tiger Woods called a press conference for Friday morning. Only select journalists will be invited and no questions will be taken. Essentially, we’re going to listen to him read. Maybe he’ll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're making the Russian section much, much larger (or one of Putin's rivals tried to start his car)

March 2014

"Over the weekend Vladimir Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow to celebrate Crimea joining Russia – and also the fact that he had Stanford beating Kansas in his March Madness pool." –Jimmy Fallon 

"That's right, Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow. Either that or one of Putin's rivals tried to start his car." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today President Obama was in the Netherlands for a nuclear summit with 50 other world leaders. Putin didn't even attend. He sent his foreign minister in his place. He said he doesn't want to visit any country he can't keep." –Jimmy Fallon

"This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney's 'It's a Small World' ride. But they're making some changes to it. They're making the Russian section much, much larger." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re seasoned with garlic AND Purell (he won’t come out from underneath the couch)

“From the very start of this crisis, Donald Trump has desperately tried to wish it away with magical thinking. Which makes sense, because for most of his life, magical thinking has worked for him. I mean, he’s failed at virtually everything he’s ever done, but magically, he always avoids consequences. Trump’s handling of the pandemic is like those stories you hear about a small town that elects a dog as mayor every year – sure, it might seem fun at the time to have a dog mayor but what happens when there’s a thunderstorm, and you need the mayor to coordinate disaster relief, but he won’t come out from underneath the couch.” —Seth Meyers

“As for calls from some pundits to send people back to work or sacrifice lives for the the economy – maybe what happened here is a bunch of rich people realized that in order to both save lives and protect the economy, they’d have to redistribute some wealth to working people, and that was intolerable to them. Because there’s a third option here: we can keep people at home to save lives and give them money to get through the crisis. Other countries, such as Denmark and the Netherlands, have guaranteed to pay most of the salaries for companies shut down by the pandemic. We could have that here. Instead, the president wants you to go back to work in three weeks even if it means wearing a hazmat suit during your shift at Olive Garden – ‘Would you like unlimited breadsticks? They’re seasoned with garlic AND Purell.’” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark (I'm truly sorry you're married to Clarence Thomas)

"There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark." –Bill Maher

"Clarence Thomas's wife this week on Saturday morning calls up Anita Hill 19 years later to ask her to apologize. Drunk dial much? And she did the right thing. She apologized. She said I'm truly sorry you're married to Clarence Thomas." –Bill Maher

"Juan Williams was fired by NPR. He told Bill O'Reilly that people in Muslim garb getting on airplanes make him nervous. And I was appalled: this is America, if we can't let a black man with a Latino name sh*t on Muslims to entertain a white guy, what do we have?"–Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump is also trying to trademark his other phrase, “No it's not a toupee.” (You’re Fired)

According to the US Patent Office Donald Trump is trying to trademark the phrase, “You’re Fired.” Trump is also trying to trademark his other phrase,  “No it's not a toupee.” --Conan O’Brien 3/18/2004

Martha Stewart is going to jail and it was reported today that 18,000 people have sent a petition to President Bush asking him to pardon Martha Stewart. Not surprisingly all the signatures were from prisoners. --Conan O’Brien 9/16/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

We have to buy a whole new bunch of congressmen (Bush's head exploded)

"Things getting very nasty in Washington. Today the White House denied an assertion by Senator Harry Reid that the Iraq war is 'the worst foreign policy mistake in U.S. history.' The White House said, 'You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, President Bush spoke on the phone with the prime minister of Australia. When the prime minister told him it was tomorrow in Australia, Bush's head exploded." --Conan O'Brien

"Bad news for President Bush. He wants us to stay the course, but even our closest ally is saying no. Prime Minister Tony Blair announced the withdrawal of 1,500 British troops and says that more than half of their troops could be pulled by this summer. Coincidentally, the announcement comes the day after Prince Harry volunteered to go fight over in Iraq. Maybe that's the way to get our troops out -- we send Billy Bush to Iraq." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The British are pulling out. Slovakia is now pulling out. Canada already pulled out. So has Italy, Spain, Portugal, Japan, the Netherlands, Bulgaria, Nicaragua, Honduras, the Dominican Republic, Norway, Thailand and Singapore. Basically, it is just us and the Jamaicans now. And that's mostly because they just don't know where they are." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's hard for us civilians to understand the kind of sacrifice it takes for a congressman to respond to a Washington Post article (Options. Just sayin')

"Those brave Americans who put themselves in harm's way. I'm talking, of course, about the members of Congress who toured Walter Reed last week. Someone had to have the courage to walk through that hospital and then have the press document their disapproval. These folks have been fighting to improve the conditions for our wounded soldiers ever since the very beginning of two weeks ago. It's hard for us civilians to understand the kind of sacrifice it takes for a congressman to respond to a Washington Post article, so let me put this into perspective for you: They can't just look out their window to see what's happening at Walter Reed. No, they have to get into a car. Walter Reed hospital is more than six miles from the Capitol. Getting to Walter Reed from the Capitol is a march through hell, that evidently takes more than four years to make." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”