I thought we were going to work this ‘oot (I haven’t decided which plane I’m taking)

President Trump signed orders on Monday imposing a 50 percent tariff on Canadian goods imported into the U.S. OK, now what are we taxing ourselves to punish Canada for? Fighting again with Canada? I thought we were going to work this ‘oot.’” — Desi Lydic

Trump is threatening further tariffs on Canada for the smoke coming into the U.S. from their wildfires. Are you sure you want America to set a precedent for paying for pollution? I feel like your pals at Pesticide Microplastic Death Diarrhea Lettuce Inc. might have other ideas. — Desi Lydic

“I love how he’s discovering climate change while standing next to his idling jet: ‘Something is causing this, and we have got to get to the bottom of it. Keep the engine running guys, all of ‘em. I haven’t decided which plane I’m taking.’” — Desi Lydic

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

two trips (Tacoma, Philadelphia, Atlanta, LA)

The Steve Miller band has canceled all of its tour dates because of global warming. Yeah. Organizers admit it's a waste of fuel to go from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to Tacoma, Philadelphia, Atlanta, LA. —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, according to a new study, magic mushrooms can extend the lifespan of rodents. Yeah. Well, I guess Richard Gere's gerbil gets to go on two trips. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the best money I ever spent said Chris Christie (hold the special sauce)

A massive tuna sold for $1.3 million at a Japanese auction. It's the best money I ever spent said Chris Christie. —Greg Gutfeld

700 former employees are suing McDonald's because their managers demanded sex in exchange for extra hours. One thing's for sure the next time I go to McDonald’s, I'm going to ask them to hold the special sauce. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is the only place in the world where robbers get to keep the money (it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity)

"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno

"Tom DeLay will still get to collect over a million dollars in congressional pension money. This is what's so great about Congress. It is the only place in the world where robbers get to keep the money." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We’ve never been so embarrassed — and we were founded by Hitler (the guy who invented the penny)

On stage in Indianapolis, the Dalai Lama got a fit of the giggles. When asked why he said, "For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I finally got it." –Conan O’Brien

Volkswagen's settlement for its emissions cheating scandal is going to cost it nearly $15 billion. A spokesperson for Volkswagen said, "We’ve never been so embarrassed — and we were founded by Hitler." –Conan O’Brien

"This weekend, President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as 'the guy who invented the penny.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave (it just shows you the middle finger emoji)

“Scientists warn heat waves will be longer, more intense and more frequent. So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave.” — Stephen Colbert

“Yep, this week, when you open the weather app, it just shows you the middle finger emoji.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, my God. You look amazing (That's from both of us)

According to a new report, Earth's glaciers have lost 9 trillion metric tons of ice between 1961 and 2016. Said other glaciers, "Oh, my God. You look amazing." --Seth Meyers

It was announced yesterday that Oprah has donated $2 million to Puerto Rico to help with long-term hurricane relief efforts. "That's from both of us," said Stedman. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Look it up yourself, [bleep]. (hard to spell)

For the second time, RadioShack has filed for bankruptcy. Experts say if RadioShack goes bankrupt one more time, it can officially run for president. –Conan O’Brien

Today for International Women’s Day, women across the country protested by refusing to work. That’s a true story. That’s what happened today. In fact, earlier today Siri told me, “Look it up yourself, [bleep].” And then slapped me. –Conan O’Brien

Hawaii is suing President Trump over his latest travel ban. In response, President Trump is suing Hawaii for “being hard to spell.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They don’t even teach biology because it has a bi in it (God's sitting on his couch watching Netflix right now)

Vice President Mike Pence’s wife Karen has a part-time job. She has taken a part-time job as an art teacher at a school that bans gay and lesbian teachers, for real. It’s called Emmanuel Christian School. The agreement says they will refuse enrollment to those who engage in homosexual behavior. They don’t even teach biology because it has a bi in it. --Jimmy Kimmel

Not only didn't Roy Moore concede, as of tonight he still hasn't conceded. He said God will decide when it's over. Guess what. God decided. It's over. God went home. God's sitting on his couch watching Netflix right now. It's done. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They're fighting about global warming. Palin says it isn't proven. Schwarzenegger said she's 'living in the Stone Age.' And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We scientists don't know how to do that (Tell me about your day)

"The United States was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. When she saw a picture of his body, she said, 'Now who can't drive the car?'" –Conan O'Brien May 2011

“It was reported that in the weeks leading up to his death, Osama bin Laden had trouble controlling the squabbling among his three wives. In fact, when the team knocked down the door, bin Laden said, ‘Thank god you’re here. Two in the chest. One in the head. Let’s do this.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The latest polls show President Obama’s approval rating among women has risen by 10 percent. Many people believe this increase is due to Obama’s new campaign slogan: ‘Tell me about your day.’” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m just spitballin’ here, what say we invade Poland? (I was paraphrasing him)

“The Colorado Supreme Court ruled yesterday that former President Trump is ineligible to run again for president, while the Florida Supreme Court ruled he already won.” — Seth Meyers

“After facing comparisons to Adolf Hitler, former President Trump said yesterday that immigrants are destroying the blood of our country and added, ‘They said, “Oh, Hitler said that in a much different way.”’ But you’ve already lost the argument if you have to say, ‘Guys, I wasn’t quoting Hitler — I was paraphrasing him.’” — Seth Meyers

“That’s right, after facing comparisons to Adolf Hitler, Trump said that immigrants are destroying the blood of our country and added, ‘I’ve never read “Mein Kampf.”’ Yeah, no one thought you had. I’d be surprised if you read ‘The Art of the Deal.’” — Seth Meyers

“[imitating Trump] Everyone is saying that I’ve read ‘Mein Kampf,’ but that is a lie: I reached the same conclusions as Hitler independently. And while I’ve got your attention — folks, hold on — while I’ve got your attention, and I’m just spitballin’ here, what say we invade Poland?” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I might move to Nambia. I hear very good things (don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two)

We just found where Donald Trump might be getting those theories about the "Deep State," because in a new book about Trump's relationship with Vladimir Putin, Washington Post reporter Greg Miller writes, "A trained intelligence operative, Putin understood the power of playing to someone's insecurities and ego." Yes, to spot Trump's insecurities and ego, it takes years of KGB training — and a television. --Stephen Colbert

The U.N. is in town this week and Donald Trump hosted a lunch for African leaders. "I'm greatly honored to host this lunch, to be joined by the leaders of Côte d'Ivoire, Ethiopia, Ghana, Guinea, Nambia. Nambia's health system is increasingly self-sufficient." Now, there is no such country as "Nambia." Despite that, they will soon have a better healthcare system than we do. I might move to Nambia. I hear very good things. –Stephen Colbert

"Some have criticized the police for pepper spraying a pregnant woman, but don’t forget, the cops were spraying for two." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Screw you! I've been sick! (Know your enemy)

A lion walks up to a zebra and says,

"Hey zebra! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're black, you're white, you're half mule

and half donkey.

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

The zebra shrugs off the insult and walks on...

The lion then comes upon a giraffe and says,

"Hey, giraffe! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You gotta long neck and tiny antlers on the top

of your head!

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

Finally, the lion comes upon a frog and says,

"Hey, frog! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're green and you're slimy.."

Before the lion could finish his next sentence

the frog says,

"Screw you! I've been sick!"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Forgive me, I'm sober. (Jesus, it's hot.)

 

"The American Bar Association gave Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito their highest rating. President Bush gave Alito his highest rating, too, because he called him 'Super' and 'Duper.'" --Conan O'Brien

"During Judge Alito's hearings, Senator Ted Kennedy accidentally referred to Sam Alito as Ali-oto. Kennedy said 'Forgive me, I'm sober.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"The National Academy of Sciences says that due to pollution and global warming, this year the Earth has been the hottest since the time of Jesus which explains why the disciples were always saying, 'Jesus, it's hot.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Winner of the Lazy Cat Award (li’l shakeroos)

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are being accused of sexism over a new campaign to target female fans by providing simplified explanations of basic rules. But if that’s the most sexist thing that happens in football this year, it's a pretty good year. –Seth Meyers

According to reports, officials at the Department of Agriculture told staffers to avoid the term “climate change” in their research and to use terms like “weather extremes” instead. And instead of earthquakes, they’re now called “li’l shakeroos.” –Seth Meyers

It is being reported that two senior aides were recently fired from the Donald Trump campaign. “Oh no, which two?!” yelled Eric and Donald Jr. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity (Now they can be both)

"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno

"A federal judge in California struck down Proposition 8, saying it was unconstitutional. Gay couples can now get married in the state of California. Remember when women used to say the best ones were either gay or married? Now they can be both." -Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney's campaign raised $35 million more than President Obama for the month of June. Out of force of habit, Mitt stashed it all in the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This sounds like a guy who forgot it was their anniversary (Yeah, we wouldn't want that to happen!)

A Dutch man flew to China to meet a woman that he'd met on the internet, and when she didn't show up, he just waited for her in the airport for 10 days. He actually got sick and had to go to the hospital. And they treated him for exhaustion, malnutrition, and not taking a hint. –James Corden

But the truth is that sometimes we find love and we make that person our girlfriend or our wife — or as Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega did, you could make that person your running mate. Daniel Ortega, the incumbent running for president in Nicaragua, just made his wife his vice presidential running mate. This sounds like a guy who forgot it was their anniversary. Really have to scramble for a gift. –James Corden

Donald Trump himself seems to be aware of the shifts in public opinion which is why it seems like he's already building an excuse for a loss by saying the November election will probably be rigged. Former Democratic candidate Al Gore weighed in, saying, "Yeah, we wouldn't want that to happen!" –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

We already have a flavor named after you — it’s called vanilla (Who needs a cab when you can Uber a dolphin?)

“I’m a little upset. Why don’t I have his own Ben & Jerry’s flavor? Jimmy Fallon has (The Tonight Dough) and Stephen Colbert has (Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream.) But you can’t just ban Ben & Jerry’s because you don’t like their opinions. I mean, I still eat it, even though I’m annoyed they haven’t given us our own flavor yet. It would be called ‘A Closer Lick,’ and we’ve already mocked up what the container would look like. I sent it to them, and I’ve called their offices and left dozens of messages, and all that happened was one of their interns called me and said, ‘We already have a flavor named after you — it’s called vanilla.’” —Seth Meyers

“Probably due in part to the post-apocalyptic scenes of mass animal extinctions, deadly heat waves, flooded subway stations in New York City, smoke blanketing the sky and turning the sun blood-red, and rings of fire in the Gulf of Mexico, Americans now list climate change as their second-highest priority. But if you’re worried about it, good news! Fox News host Jesse Watters has a solution: just live with it. Earlier this week, Watters instructed his viewers: ‘If you want to stop climate change, you don’t fight climate change. If it’s getting warmer, you adapt to it.’ Yeah, just adapt to it! Who needs a cab when you can Uber a dolphin? Of course, the problem with Uber dolphins is they can’t take a hint when you don’t want to talk.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”