husbands and boyfriends were already gone (penalty kicks)

President Trump’s approval rating is at just 36 percent, which is even lower than Obama’s ever was. The only time Obama came close to that was when he had that meeting with Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they'd mind leaving the room, husbands and boyfriends were already gone." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm going to have to sit down for most of this (multiply that occurrence by 1.8 million)

I'm so fat when I get my shoes shined I have to take the boot blacks word for it. —Norm Macdonald

Porn actor Ron Jeremy is back at work after having open heart surgery. I think this is interesting, the name of his next feature is going to be called I'm going to have to sit down for most of this. —Norm Macdonald

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

she responded, “I Do.” (the carrying of the stretchers)

This weekend Spain hosted the annual Running of the Bulls, followed quickly by the driving of the ambulances and the carrying of the stretchers. —Tom Shillue

A Chinese woman in Las Vegas pled guilty to marrying at least 14 men at the same time. When asked if she knew what she did was wrong she responded, “I Do.” —Tom Shillue  

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Try Finding Nemo Now (Is 28% still technically an approval rating?)

"Because of the success of 'Toy Story 3,' Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It's BP presents 'Try Finding Nemo Now.'" –Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hey man, that’s the key to every party (Basic needs of Americans)

An analyst for Time magazine says the key to the survival of the Republican Party is bringing in young women. When told this, Bill Clinton said, "Hey man, that’s the key to every party." –Conan O’Brien

"This weekend, President Bush gave a speech honoring Abraham Lincoln's birthday. There was an awkward moment when Bush referred to Lincoln as 'the guy who invented the penny.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now multiply that occurence by 1.8 million (is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves)

An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed. –Seth Meyers

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Out of touch and cowardly (it’s draining energy from his eyelids)

Donald Trump has been snoozing during meetings. To America first patriots, it’s clear he’s simply closing his eyes so he can picture everyone naked. Not for sexual reasons – it’s just to calm his nerves for when it’s his turn to talk. He’s thinking so hard with his brain that it’s draining energy from his eyelids. —Seth Meyers

On Wednesday, Trump bragged about the length of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool by showing it side by side with American skyscrapers. One thing we know for sure is that Trump is definitely obsessed with size, whether it’s sex or construction. None of Trump’s work on the pool changed its size. “These are among the tallest buildings in the world,” said Trump. “If you lay [Chicago’s Sears Tower] on its side, it would take two or three of them to fill it in.” You’ve got to hand it to him: that really is impressive. Or it would be if the reflecting pool was fucking vertical! You’re not allowed to compare horizontal to vertical. If that was the case, I-90 crushes the reflecting pool. This is the stuff Trump really cares about. Renovating the reflecting pool, putting his cronies in charge of intelligence agencies … Meanwhile prices are soaring, the Iran war is a disaster. Trump is screwing us so badly it’s almost like he’s running a sex toy company. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, you can either watch people who suffer from head injuries or the UFC (Jokes on you)

No Kings announced they're holding a protest concert with Bette Midler, Joy Reed, and Jane Fonda on the same night as the White House UFC event. So, you can either watch people who suffer from head injuries or the UFC. —Greg Gutfeld

During a live taping of The View, Whoopi Goldberg mistook an audience member for Barack Obama. I know. When in fact it was Michelle Obama. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course, that never stopped Kamala Harris and Joe Biden (maggot sauce)

Millie Vanilli denies that they're playing at America's 250th celebration, mainly because one half of the duo is dead. Of course, that never stopped Kamala Harris and Joe Biden. —Greg Gutfeld

Jerry Nadler visited an ICE detention center in Newark where he heard that there are maggots in the food, prompting him to call his assistant to bring him his maggot sauce. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie (It’s called Bronzer, Nancy and it’s not fooling anyone)

Nancy Pelosi said President Trump is involved in a coverup. It’s called Bronzer, Nancy and it’s not fooling anyone. --Stephen Colbert

A wild raccoon has moved into a German zoo and the zookeepers can’t expel it. Zookeepers say the raccoon “can expect free board and lodgings for life, because European Union rules forbid him from being released back into the wild.” But “He’ll have to be castrated.” And I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He ran out of brushes (Out of touch & cowardly)

Facebook's parent company will email workers at 4:00 a.m. Wednesday to let them know that they're being laid off. It's weird, right? When I fire my employees at 4 am, I just roll over and wake them up. —Greg Gutfeld

A drip painting by the abstract expressionist Jackson Pollock sold for $181.2 million. Meanwhile, a drip painting by Hunter Biden was treated with penicillin. He ran out of brushes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Danny Haiphong: Iran SINKS 3 US Destroyers — Trump Restarts WAR! | Andrei Martyanov

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Uh, is this going to be on the test? (but they were polite not to say it)

It has been reported that President Trump plans to bring back the presidential fitness test. On Tuesday, he announced the initiative at the White House in front of gathered school kids. In front of a group of schoolchildren, President Trump claimed that Iran would have launched a nuclear strike against the US and Israel if he hadn’t started the war. Said the kids, ‘Uh, is this going to be on the test?’ —Seth Meyers

You just know those kids were thinking, ‘Yeah, but didn’t President Obama reach a deal with Iran during his administration?’ I mean, they were thinking it, but they were polite not to say it. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

LBC: Project Freedom: Simon Marks outlines Trump's plan for the Strait of Hormuz

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”  

 

Wow, it sounds even better than I don’t remember (writing her name in the snow)

Miss Universe Puerto Rico has announced its second transgender contestant, Gabrielle Rodriguez Velquez. Her talent writing her name in the snow. Good for her. You go, girl. —Greg Gutfeld

And in unrelated news, a new Grateful Dead app launched featuring high-quality recordings of more than 400 full live shows. Said Dead fans, ‘Wow, it sounds even better than I don’t remember.’ —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Iran ANNIHILATES IDF — 5 Brigades DESTROYED, 300 Missiles FIRED, Israel PANICS | Lawrence Wilkerson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”   

 

Douglas Macgregor: Iran DESTROYS 12 F-35s With 300 Sayyad-4, Israel Air Force CRIPPLED, U.S SILENT

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is she still under the table? (key choke point)

 

Congressman Eric Swalwell is also being investigated for paying an illegal Brazilian nanny under the table with campaign funds. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton asked, "Is she still under the table?” —Greg Gutfeld    

Tensions continue to rise in the straight of Hormuz as Iran cuts off a key choke point. Did someone say choke point, asked Hillary Clinton? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.”

Ultimately, that decision comes down to the man controlling our military (when he cracked open her shipping container)

 

There is growing confusion over whether Israel being allowed to continue bombing Lebanon was part of the ceasefire with Iran. Ultimately, that decision comes down to the man controlling our military, Benjamin Netanyahu. —Michael Che    

First Lady Melania Trump made a rare public statement to deny reports that Jeffrey Epstein introduced her to Donald Trump, because they actually met when Trump cracked open her shipping container. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 
and Orwell’s 1984.” 

In 44 countries college education is free (It’s been a week since anyone mentioned the Epstein files)

Donald Trump’s comments that the war had “met and exceeded” US objectives. It’s true. It’s been a week since anyone mentioned the Epstein files. —Stephen Colbert

This week the New York Times reported that Trump’s war in Iran was influenced by a February situation room meeting with Benjamin Netanyahu, during which the Israeli prime minister gave a presentation making a case for war. It’s being called the most manipulative PowerPoint since your middle schooler put together ‘Tyler’s Reasons the Family Should Get a Dog.’ “Number one: your fighting makes me sad.” Netanyahu’s presentation reportedly ended by outlining a vision for regime change in Iran. It feels like there’s a pretty big leap there at the end. It sounds like a recipe that says, Preheat oven to 350, chop vegetables … regime change. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”