Because they're simply better than the rest of us (to work on his color)

Today was National Hotdog Day and to celebrate, Donald Trump spent a few hours on the rollers at 7-Eleven to work on his color. –Conan O’Brien

"But General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you (35 miles per gallon)

"BP — they are spending $50 million on an advertisement budget to try and put a PR spin on this whole thing. Like, you hear what they said today? This is unbelievable. They said fishermen down there are catching tuna that are getting 35 miles per gallon." –Jay Leno

"According to a new report, BP has the worst safety record of all the oil companies. They've paid over $372 million in fines. Oh, they don't call them fines. They call them 'campaign contributions.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, during the testimony, the president of BP said the underwater cleanup is pretty effective. And when he was done, Congress gave him a standing ovation. Well, sure, they've never seen anybody who could lie better than they can. To be fair, it's not easy for a lot of these congressmen. It's got to be hard to bite the hand that bribes you." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thanks a lot, Celine Dion! (their supply of weed is almost gone)

The New York Times published a big investigative article today that dug into the Trump family’s questionable finances. The article had all kinds of revelations. For example, Donald Trump has always claimed to be a self-made man. But apparently by age 3, he was earning $200,000 a year from his father and by age 8 he was a millionaire. Even more amazing, Trump learned how to file bankruptcy by age 9. --James Corden

Just days after legalizing marijuana all across Canada, store owners throughout the country say their supply of weed is almost gone. All of Canada’s weed has been smoked. Thanks a lot, Celine Dion!” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, Amazon Prime is even better than we thought (Geezerville and Methylvania)

"Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. Yeah, the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania." –Jimmy Fallon

A couple in Orlando who ordered plastic storage bins on Amazon got a delivery filled with 65 pounds of weed. They were like, “Wow, Amazon Prime is even better than we thought.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It has a 24-hour doorman and a 24-hour pharmacy (because otherwise it would have been weird)

"Rush Limbaugh just sold his penthouse in New York for $11 million. The apartment is amazing. It has a 24-hour doorman and a 24-hour pharmacy." –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Toys R Us officially filed for bankruptcy after falling $5 billion in debt. I guess they tried to pay it off, but the bank said, "This is Monopoly money." –Jimmy Fallon

New documents reveal that when Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear, the woman he sent it to was a cleaner, not a prostitute as previously thought. You know, because otherwise it would have been weird. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done (I hate this game)

"Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler

"This week President Bush's approval rating hit an all-time low of 34%. To improve this rating, the administration is going to adopt an adorable and precocious little black kid." --Amy Poehler

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank goodness for **** dealers (the second best $800 he's ever spent)

"General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien

It's come out that President Trump's new communications director has changed the White House lighting so Trump looks younger. Even more impressive, the new lighting makes Melania look happy. --Conan O’Brien

"Despite his prostitution scandal several years ago, Eliot Spitzer is running for comptroller of New York. He's paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to put him on the ballot. He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, their business model was a bust (Only safer)

In the Florida special election, Jimmy Patronis won Matt Gaetz's old congressional seat by 15 points. Said Gaetz, "15? Nice.” —Michael Che

The restaurant chain Hooters has filed for bankruptcy. Apparently, their business model was a bust. —Michael Che

West Virginia has become the first state to ban artificial food dyes, which should make food healthier for the baby you had with your cousin. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Get them before they get you (2% Cherokee)

The genetic testing company 23andMe says it is bankrupt and, also, 2% Cherokee. —Colin Jost

Three teenage girls in Texas tried to stab their mother to death after she turned off the Wi-Fi. This story is brought to you by Plan B. Get them before they get you. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He would have said more but he had to clear the dishes from her table (a tractor trailer carrying frozen curly fries)

In Maine, a tractor trailer carrying frozen curly fries caught fire on the highway. Crap, now I need a new tractor trailer said JB Pritzker. —Greg Gutfeld

Don Lemon told Megan Kelly to go F herself after seeing her reaction to Joy Reid's firing. He would have said more but he had to clear the dishes from her table. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

shellacked like a hard word floor on This Old House (like Hunter Biden dodging child support)

Kamala Harris got shellacked like a hard word floor on This Old House. —Greg Gutfeld

Instead of giving a concession speech she avoided her supporters like Hunter Biden dodging child support. —Greg Gutfeld

Excuse me, but Al Sharpton complaining about racial bias is like the Menendez brothers complaining about being orphans. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank goodness for coke dealers (What have you done with Eisenhower?)

"General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday at the White House, President Obama took part in an online Q & A session with a group of senior citizens. The most common question the seniors asked Obama was, 'What have you done with Eisenhower?'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I know, it's crazy, right? (the drunkest city in the USA)

The Royal wedding is just three days away! Which means in just three days, the world will finally get to see the queen do the Electric Slide. --Jimmy Fallon

A new survey found that Green Bay, Wisconsin, is the drunkest city in the U.S. You can tell, cuz no one in Green Bay remembers answering that survey. --Jimmy Fallon

Kim Jong Un might cancel his meeting with President Trump, where they were supposed to discuss North Korea's nuclear weapons. Trump was like, "How could someone just pull out of a nuclear agreement?" And Iran was like, "I know, it's crazy, right?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump technically slept with her again (Bankruptcy Aficionado)

With Stormy Daniels on the witness stand and Donald Trump’s penchant for dozing off in court, Trump technically slept with her again. —Seth Meyers

As for the rolled Forbes magazine that reportedly had Trump’s face on it – I think it’s weird that the hotel even had a copy of Bankruptcy Aficionado. —Seth Meyers 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Look it up yourself, [bleep]. (hard to spell)

For the second time, RadioShack has filed for bankruptcy. Experts say if RadioShack goes bankrupt one more time, it can officially run for president. –Conan O’Brien

Today for International Women’s Day, women across the country protested by refusing to work. That’s a true story. That’s what happened today. In fact, earlier today Siri told me, “Look it up yourself, [bleep].” And then slapped me. –Conan O’Brien

Hawaii is suing President Trump over his latest travel ban. In response, President Trump is suing Hawaii for “being hard to spell.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, here’s another $500 Million (Rude Dude Escapes In The Nude)

A headline in The Metro reads, “Naked Man Crashes Car Then Leads Police On Bizzare Nude Foot Chase.” That was their headline. The real headline should have read, “Rude Dude Escapes In The Nude.” --James Corden

According to a report from the New York Times, Donald Trump repeatedly exaggerated his net worth in order to obtain enormous bank loans. In one instance, he overstated his wealth by $2 Billion. I don’t know what to think of this story. It’s just not like Trump to lie. Banks gave him millions in loans despite his multiple bankruptcies. You know the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, here’s another $500 Million.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Looks like the student has become the mustard! (invisibility cloak)

The Harry Potter Studio Tour just announced that it's hosting a Valentine's Day dinner in the Great Hall from Hogwarts. It's great for couples, or for single guys who claim their date is wearing an “invisibility cloak.” –Jimmy Fallon

Jeb Bush was talking about the Obamas yesterday and mispronounced their daughter Malia's name, and it sounded like he said “Malala.” Then his brother George was like, "Heh — looks like the student has become the mustard!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

somewhere between Rudy Giuliani and an abandoned JCPenney (the real purpose of socialism)

I predicted Trump would win the Iowa caucus by a landslide. They love him in Iowa, I think because he has the exact same hair as an ear of corn. —Stephen Colbert

“The idea of Republican primaries implies that the GOP will continue to exist, and right now there is reason to doubt that, as multiple state-level Republican parties are going bankrupt. That’s financially bankrupt. They already achieved morally. They’ve got no money. In August, for example, the Arizona GOP had just $14,800 left in the bank. To put that into perspective, the Arizona GOP cannot afford to buy a 2017 Honda Civic. Certainly not with power windows. Right now, the state Republican parties’ finances are somewhere between Rudy Giuliani and an abandoned JCPenney.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

pretending you have a shot when you’re polling at 1 percent, well, that’s acting (Ooh, challenge accepted!)

“The debate is at Miami-Dade County Center for the Performing Arts. Yep, for performing arts, because pretending you have a shot when you’re polling at 1 percent, well, that’s acting.” — Jimmy Fallon

“WeWork went from a $47 billion company to bankruptcy. Somewhere out there, Elon Musk is going, ‘Ooh, challenge accepted!’” — Sarah Silverman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Oh, my God, Trump’s going to win again, isn’t he? (It’s called B.)

In other news, Elon Musk’s brain implant company Neuralink has put out a call for volunteer human test subjects. Well, actually what they said was ‘fresh’ volunteers. I don’t think he should be meddling with something he doesn’t understand, like humans. Now it’s not called the brain any more. It’s called B. —Seth Meyers

“The co-working space company WeWork filed yesterday for bankruptcy. Wait a minute — again? You already went out of business. I watched a whole mini-series about how you went out of business. And you were still in business? Oh, my God, Trump’s going to win again, isn’t he?” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”