Hillary's plan for immigration? (build Smart Walls)

"Have you heard Hillary's plan for immigration? She's advocating what she calls a Smart Wall along the Mexican border. It will keep track of people using infrared cameras, remote controlled airplanes, and electronic devices. Yeah, that will work great -- she couldn't keep track of Bill in the White House." --Jay Leno

"Here's a bizarre story. I'll try to put this as delicately as possible. A woman in El Salvador was arrested for smuggling into prison a hand grenade inside her vagina. Although I guess technically at that point it's no longer a hand grenade. In a related story, earlier today former President Bill Clinton announced he's going to El Salvador to look for weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno

I was watching that movie Mad Max (Bush conserving energy)

"President Bush announced his plan to increase the number of barrels (of oil) produced. You hear his plan? He wants to make smaller barrels." --Jay Leno

"I was watching that movie Mad Max, you know that movie where gas is so precious that people are killing each other for a few gallons. It was set in the future -- I believe it was August." –Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, President Bush met with Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. On leaving the meeting, both had the same comment: What'd he say?" --Jay Leno

"In Orange County, President Bush was talking about immigration. Bush said that massive deportation is unrealistic. He said you can't just move 12 million people to another country. I don't know, Mexico did it." --Jay Leno

It's basically the same thing he's doing now (bending over)

"The big rumor in Washington is that President Bush is about to hire Tony Snow of Fox News to be his new press secretary. His job will be to defend everything the president does, so it's basically a lateral move. It's basically the same thing he's doing now." --Jay Leno

"The new issue of Rolling Stone magazine features a cover story about President Bush called 'The Worst President in History.' President Bush said 'That's not fair, I'm also the worst president in math, English and geography.'" --Conan O'Brien

"What a crowd, you sound like  Dick Cheney when oil hit $74 a barrel." --Jay Leno

"How quickly things change. Easter was a week ago -- we were bending over hunting eggs, now we're hunting gas and bending over." --Jay Leno

Hillary's Mexico Wall (Goochie Goochie Coo!)

"Senator Hillary Clinton says she wants a smart wall at the Mexican border. The only thing that could beat a smart wall is a smart Wal-Mart." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in Congress are demanding that President Bush investigate whether oil companies are now gouging consumers on these gas prices. That's a good idea, Republicans asking Republicans to investigate other Republicans. And you know who they're going to blame? The Democrats." --Jay Leno

"Congress is furious. They want to know, how come these oil company profits are so high, but the money they receive under the table remains the same. This has got to change!" --Jay Leno

Senator Hillary Clinton said she is in favor of building a wall between Mexico and the United States?

"Senator Hillary Clinton said she is in favor of building a wall between Mexico and the United States. After hearing this, former President Bill Clinton said, 'She means a metaphorical wall of silence and resentment. Trust me.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said this week to help with gas prices he will temporarily ease environmental regulations. Great. Not only will you not be able to drive, you won't be able to breathe either." --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea about how expensive gas is, this morning I carpooled in with Letterman." --Jay Leno

Shameful. Cruel. Heartless. Ignorant. Pathetic. (you poor b******)

"At a press conference, President Bush introduced his new press secretary Tony Snow, and the president said, this is a quote, 'His job is to help explain my decisions to the American people.' Yeah, then Bush turned to Snow and said, 'Good luck, you poor bastard.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush has picked FOX newsman Tony Snow to be his press secretary. Snow once said that President Bush was an embarrassment, a leader who has lost control of the federal budget, and the architect of a listless domestic policy. Good thing for Snow Bush doesn't read the newspapers." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in Congress are now demanding that President Bush investigate whether the oil companies are engaged in price gouging. Putting the White House in charge of investigating oil companies. That's like putting Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety." --Jay Leno

That's like being MVP of the Knicks (they got the idea from the Third Reich)

"CBS announced that this season of 'Survivor,' the teams will be divided by race. CBS said they got the idea from the Third Reich." --Conan O'Brien

"Last weekend Rush Limbaugh was arrested at an airport because he had illegal Viagra. So apparently, Dick Cheney isn't the only Republican who's locked and loaded." --David Letterman

"Condoleezza Rice, secretary of state, is the most popular member of the Bush administration. Most popular member of the Bush administration? That's like being MVP of the Knicks." --David Letterman

she wants to be president because she can't do anything else (Salma Hayek. 90 miles)

"The most dangerous movie of the summer, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' starring Al Gore as, surprise, a fear-monger. Now, I've firmly established that I love truth in all its forms: God's-honest truth, cold, hard truth, even the awful truth. But, as it turns out, I'm not so crazy about inconvenient truth. Not convenient enough for me." --Stephen Colbert

"Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else." --Jay Leno

"The Mexican government has been accused of encouraging its citizens to illegally immigrate to the United States. They say they're not. I'm not so sure. Someone sent me a picture of this sign in Mexico [on screen: Salma Hayek. 90 miles]." --Jay Leno

Clinton describes one time when an intern held her breathe for nine minutes (that moves Ann Coulter up to first place)

"$1.4 billion in hurricane relief was spent on booze, was spent on vacations, spent on hookers. Well apparently, some of the folks down there got blown more than once." --David Letterman

"Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was the world's most unhinged lunatic. He's now dead, so that moves Ann Coulter up to first place." --David Letterman

"Bill Clinton is writing another book. The first one was an enormous book and it was his life story. This next one is going to be a fascinating book. In the book, Clinton describes one time when an intern held her breathe for nine minutes." --David Letterman

kudos to Congress for literally taking a giant s--- on the poorest people in the country

"President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that." --Jay Leno

  

"The Senate voted not to raise the minimum wage, which for the last 9 years has been $5.15 an hour. They did vote themselves a pay raise, but they didn't vote to raise the minimum wage. I just want to say, 'Good.' I'm glad they didn't do it because the lower strata of American society has had a free ride for too long. And if you gave them $7.25 an hour, you know it would just go up their nose and out their hose. You don't want to give them walking around money. So, kudos to Congress for literally taking a giant s--- on the poorest people in the country." --Jon Stewart

"North Korea's Kim Jong-il acknowledged Monday he was developing a nuclear missile program 'to deter attacks from the West.' It's called the Taepo-Dong. Before you laugh, you should know that in Korean, that translates to 'kind of penis.'" --Jon Stewart

Bush's low approval ratings can be contracted through saliva (kissing Joe Lieberman)

"A German publication did an interview with the president and asked Mr. Bush what was his  best moment of his presidency, and he said it was the day that he caught a 7.5 pound perch. I couldn't make that up. Now, he leaves out the part that he was fishing in downtown New Orleans." –Bill Maher

Evidently, low approval ratings can be contracted through saliva." --Stephen Colbert, on the effect of President Bush kissing Joe Lieberman

"President Bush said today he has nothing but respect for Mexico and its people and he will always speak the truth to them. Here's my question: When can we get that deal?" --Jay Leno

Warm up the Virgins (caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael)

"It's about as low as you can go without getting caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael." --Jimmy Kimmel, on Bush's low approval rating

"I have to agree with Hillary on this. I liked Ann Coulter better when she was fighting Sigourney Weaver on those 'Alien' movies." –Jay Leno

  

"We finally got some good news yesterday from the war in Iraq. As you have probably heard, the Air Force exploded Iraq's head of al Qaeda, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. I was looking forward to seeing what the New York Post had to say about it. This is the actual cover of the newspaper. There you see the dead face of al-Zarqawi with the cartoon bubble saying, 'Warm up the Virgins.' Coincidentally, 'Warm up the Virgins' is also Arnold Schwarzenegger's new campaign slogan." --Jimmy Kimmel

apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants

"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey

  

"No, Bush was fishing on his ranch. He has a manmade lake that is artificially stocked with fish, and let's not forget the scuba divers who are under there who actually put the fish on the hook for him. And then Cheney comes over and they literally shoot fish in a barrel. The part I love is that he says he caught a 7.5 pound perch, when the biggest perch on record is 4.3 pounds. Bush lied and a fish died, that's all I have to say. And Cheney went even further. He said when they pulled the fish out of the water it greeted them as liberators." --Bill Maher

  

"Congress is outraged by these bogus claims. Congress said, 'If people want to break the law and steal taxpayer money, hey, get elected to Congress like everybody else.'"  --Jay Leno

The Great Wall of Chimichanga (Mission Accomplished)

"The United States Senate today took some steps to keep illegal immigrants out of our 'American Idol' competitions. They voted to build a 370-mile long fence along the border between the U.S. and Mexico. They also announced that they're going to hire illegal immigrant workers to build it. The Senators voted overwhelmingly for the fence. As I said, it is 370 miles long. Unfortunately, the actual border with Mexico is more than 2,000 miles long. So, I guess the message is 'go around.' Tentatively, they're calling it 'The Great Wall of Chimichanga.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is going to address the nation Monday night on the immigration issue. Bush said he would have given the address tonight, but they couldn't get the 'Mission Accomplished' sign finished in Spanish soon enough." --Jay Leno

"Big personnel change at the White House. Yesterday, President Bush's chief speechwriter announced he's leaving the White House. His exact words were, 'Me go now.'" --Conan O'Brien

Congress, very quietly voted themselves a $3,300 pay raise (Why not? Job well done)

"Speaking of Congress, the other day -- very quietly -- they voted themselves a $3,300 pay raise. Why not? Job well done. A lot of added expenses this year: legal fees, criminal defense lawyers."  --Jay Leno

"Congress gave itself a big raise this week and voted against the minimum wage, which is kind of ironic. I mean if anybody should getting minimum wage, it's Congress." --Jay Leno

"Apparently at the G-8 luncheon, the president, not realizing his mic was on, made some comments about Syria, Kofi Annan and Diet Coke. Diet Coke came out on top. Anyway, the mainstream media seems to think we have a right to know what he said to Tony Blair. Well, we don't folks. If we need to know, it would have been put in a press release. I've said it before, reporting is putting press releases into your own words." --Stephen Colbert

Al Gore has produced a new documentary all about Ann Coulter (An Inconvenient *****)

"At a joint press conference with President Bush, German Chancellor Angela Merkel called for a 'de-escalation of Mid-East violence.' Later, Bush called for both sides to 'de-angrify' and 'de-hurt' each other." -Conan O'Brien

"You know anything about this Ann Coulter? She's some kind of commentator or political thing. She goes around yacking and she got herself into a lot of trouble. She has made some crazy statements about 9/11, and coincidentally Al Gore has produced a new documentary all about Ann Coulter. I believe it's called an 'Inconvenient Bitch.'" --David Letterman

"Speaking of Congress, the other day -- very quietly -- they voted themselves a $3,300 pay raise. Why not? Job well done. A lot of added expenses this year: legal fees, criminal defense lawyers."  --Jay Leno

Bush also apologized for telling physicist Stephen Hawking to get off his lazy a--

"A new poll shows that Americans now believe that  Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time." --Jay Leno

  

"President Bush told a German newspaper in an interview over the weekend that his best moment since he became president was when he caught a 7-1/2 pound fish in his own lake. See, sometimes these Bush fishing expeditions can pay off." --Jay Leno

"This is a weird story. President Bush has apologized today for scolding a member of the White House press corps for wearing sunglasses because he found out the reporter is legally blind. Bush also apologized for telling physicist Stephen Hawking 'to get off your lazy a--.'" --Conan O'Brien

Now he's only going to be working part of the time, just like Bush's brain

"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." --Stephen Colbert

"This kind of thing usually happens once or twice a summer down in Washington. Yesterday, a guy hopped the fence at the White House. Pretty scary. Thank god at the last minute Dick Cheney picked him off. And then, today, another guy was arrested for trying to climb Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

"It's been announced that White House adviser Karl Rove will not be creating the day-to-day policy for the president anymore. You all know Karl Rove, he's the man they call Bush's brain. No, that's what they call him, Bush's brain. Now he's only going to be working part of the time, just like Bush's brain." --Jay Leno

Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work (bulls mounting a simulated cow)

"Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It's a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work." --David Letterman

"New York is on a heightened state of alert. They say New Yorkers should be aware of suspicious activity. I'm thinking, 'Hell, that's our number one industry'" --David Letterman

"Last night was the season finale of 'West Wing.' 'West Wing' is gone. And ABC has cancelled 'Commander In Chief.' So, now the only fictional president is Bush." --David Letterman

Freedom From Want-Wall Street Style (lesbian independence for all)

"In a speech yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announce that he 'supports lessening our dependence on foreign oil.' Unfortunately, it came out sounding more like, 'I support lesbian independence for all.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the military, they got al-Zarqawi while he was hiding in his safe house. As a result, it's been renamed the 'not-so-safe house.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Something happened last night, I was down in Washington, D.C., love it down there, can't get enough of that city. Anyway, I was out with my buddy, Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island, and we were driving home, and I suggested we play a game of I Spy a Concrete Barricade. Patrick is a fierce competitor and, well, he won." --Stephen Colbert

a hunger strike only works if people don't want you to die (bin Laden is a Klingon)

"Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk." --Bill Maher 

"Saddam Hussein ended his hunger strike after just one missed meal. I think he finally realized a hunger strike only works if people don't want you to die." --Jay Leno

"Anna Nicole Smith won her case in front of the Supreme Court. I think this is the first time that a bunch of old guys have given her something and lived to tell about it." --Jay Leno

If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down (I'm sorry I enriched uranium)

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is trying to win over the American people. It's sort of a PR campaign. Earlier today, over at the U.N., he was signing baseballs that said, 'I'm sorry I enriched uranium'." --David Letterman

"According to a new survey, Hillary Clinton's popularity rating is down to its lowest point in over a year. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down.'" --Conan O'Brein

"The chancellor of Germany disengaged herself from President Bush using a move she learned in date rape prevention class. If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off." --Jon Stewart, on Bush groping German Chancellor Angela Merkel

Hillary gave her speech as Morgan Freeman tonight (Oh, you mean Vlad?)

Morgan Freeman narrated Hillary Clinton's introduction video at the DNC, and for some reason, Hillary gave her speech as Morgan Freeman tonight. –Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton said tonight that Donald Trump has taken the Republican Party from Ronald Reagan's “Morning in America” to “Midnight in America.” Which frankly is a little insulting those of us who come on at 1:00 a.m. Midnight is not terrible. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump told reporters yesterday that he doesn't know who Vladimir Putin is. He then paused and went, “Oh, you mean Vlad? Yeah, of course I know Vlad.” –Seth Meyers

Vice President Joe Biden spoke at the convention last night. He walked out to the theme from the movie Rocky. I'm guessing that's how he enters everywhere he goes. –Seth Meyers

Tim Kaine is now leading Hillary Clinton by 3 percent (That wasn't me)

Bill Clinton said he watched all six Police Academy movies with his daughter Chelsea, which got awkward when Chelsea was like, “That wasn't me.” –James Corden

It was a historic night. We're either going to have our first female president, or the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image. –Jimmy Kimmel

Hillary’s choice for running mate, Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine, gave a speech last night where he revealed that not only does he habla español, he can do a Donald Trump impression. He did such a convincing job that Tim Kaine is now leading Hillary Clinton by 3 percent. –Jimmy Kimmel

the largest “break glass in case of emergency” ever (Jo Jo Cuts It Down)

History has been made. After months of anticipation, Jo Jo has cut it down to just two remaining bachelors. These are exciting times. Oh, and also, Hillary Clinton received the Democratic nomination. –James Corden

Hillary Clinton broke the glass ceiling, and just in case that point was lost on you, with Trump so close to the presidency, Hillary just became the largest “break glass in case of emergency” ever. –James Corden

Donald Trump vowed that when he is president he will replace the broken glass ceiling with a reinforced titanium steel ceiling and that women are going to pay for it. –James Corden

These layoffs were brought to you by the letters F and U

The U.S. Patent Office has rejected Whole Foods' request to be called "the world’s healthiest grocery store." However, they approved 7-Eleven’s request to be called "the world’s finest antique foods dealer." –Conan O’Brien

Sesame Street announced that they have fired several of their long-time cast members. These layoffs were brought to you by the letters F and U. –Conan O’Brien

This year, for the first time ever, marijuana plants will compete in the Oregon State Fair. The winner will be whichever marijuana grower remembers to show up. –Conan O’Brien

if anyone understands comedy, it’s the Russians (Now where’s my check?)

Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention this evening. And there was an awkward moment when she finished the speech and said, "Now where’s my check?" –Conan O’Brien

Bradley Cooper was spotted at the Democratic Convention and it angered conservatives because he portrayed Navy SEAL Chris Kyle in American Sniper. These are the same people who were angry when they learned that Ben Affleck isn’t really Batman. –Conan O’Brien

Today, Donald Trump said that when he asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails he was being “sarcastic.” Which makes sense — if anyone understands comedy, it’s the Russians. –Conan O’Brien

Hey — two syllable words only! (Beetlejuice sequel)

Michael Keaton said in a recent interview that it's very unlikely they'll be doing a Beetlejuice sequel. Then he said, "Unless you ask me two more times." –Jimmy Fallon

After Joe Biden used the word “malarkey” in his speech, it became the most searched word on the internet. Mostly from people who thought "Malarkey" was a new Pokémon. –Conan O’Brien

During President Obama’s speech last night, he referred to Donald Trump as a "home-grown demagogue." In response, Trump supporters said "Hey — two syllable words only!" –Conan O’Brien

he was accused of plagiarizing his speech from Chumbawamba (lightning shooting from her hands was a bit much)

Tonight Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention, officially accepting the nomination for president. The speech went well, but the lightning shooting from her hands was a bit much. –Jimmy Fallon

During his big speech, President Obama said that no matter how many times Hillary Clinton gets knocked down, she always gets back up. At which point, he was accused of plagiarizing his speech from Chumbawamba. –Jimmy Fallon

Scientists from Indiana discovered that an 8-year-old orangutan named Rocky can mimic human voices and copy words in a conversational way. But it got awkward when the first thing he said was, "Actually, my name's Ricky.” –Jimmy Fallon

the White House's third new face in two weeks, which breaks Kenny Rogers' old record

"TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist? President Bush, it is time to hire the folks who've never let you down. Limbaugh at Health and Human Services. Hannity at State. Then give Rummy the Medal of Freedom and install Bill O'Reilly as secretary of defense. Only problem, you might find yourself invading Vermont. And I'll replace Chertoff at Homeland Security. The man's done nothing to control the bear population." --Stephen Colbert

"The new White House press spokesman is Fox News Channel's Tony Snow. This is the White House's third new face in two weeks, which breaks Kenny Rogers' old record." --Jay Leno

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. The surprise is that he's still the secretary of defense, I guess." --Jay Leno

"It's been announced that White House adviser Karl Rove will not be creating the day-to-day policy for the president anymore. You all know Karl Rove, he's the man they call Bush's brain. No, that's what they call him, Bush's brain. Now he's only going to be working part of the time, just like Bush's brain." --Jay Leno

You can't PowerPoint your way to jihad (some serious vanilla)

"Karl Rove, making his fifth grand jury appearance, his fifth grand jury appearance! One more and he gets to bang the gavel." --Jon Stewart

"Mayor Ray 'Chocolate City' Nagin couldn't pull in enough of the vote in New Orleans to prevent a runoff. If he hopes to hold on to his office, [he] will have to make inroads into what he's calling some serious vanilla." --Jon Stewart

"Osama bin Laden fell surprisingly short in his latest tape, in which he discussed realigning percentages of Muslim representation on the U.N. Security Council and made some funding proposals for the Hamas regime in the Palestinian Territory. You know, I think Osama's jumped the sheik on this latest tape. Osama, keep your eye on the prize. Leave the Excel spreadsheets to the financial guys. You can't PowerPoint your way to jihad." --Jon Stewart

Osama has the same platform as Hillary (Bush learned all the words to the Macarena)

"Earlier today at a press conference, President Bush said that Spanish-speaking immigrants should learn to sing the national anthem in English. That's what he said, yeah. The president said it's only fair since he learned all the words to the Macarena." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, are you ready for the big immigration walk-out on Monday? Or, as Wal-Mart is calling it, self-service day." --Jay Leno

The latest video tape of Osama bin Laden said that the Bush administration is evil, it made excuses to attack Iraq, and it is obsessed with Mideast oil. So basically Osama has the same platform as Hillary." --Jay Leno

Well, at least the corn will sleep better (carpooling rats)

"Last week Congress found a topic everybody in any party could grandstand about. Violent video games were the latest target of Washington's election year ire. The issue is the video game industry's rating system. Many feel that the 'M' for 'Mature' rating is too vague in describing content. Not to mention, completely inaccurate to describe anyone who plays video games. They proposed a three-tiered system that would start with 'D' for  'Dropout.' 'W' for 'Wastoid' and max out at 'CMB' for 'Child in Man's Body'" --Jon Stewart

"Did you hear about this? Homeland Security is cutting funding to New York City and raising funding for Nebraska. Well, at least the corn will sleep better." --David Letterman

"Gas prices, aren't they crazy? It's so expensive that rats are carpooling in from New Jersey." --David Letterman

"There's a guy in Washington, D.C. and he's searching through garbage and he finds a copy of President Bush's travel plans. Why don't we put this guy in charge of looking for bin Laden?" --David Letterman

Kwanzaa only exists because a guy named Kwan died for our sins (Uh oh)

"This sounds like a tabloid story “but according to the Washington Post, former President Bill Clinton has received counseling for sex addiction. I don't think it went too well. Halfway through the first session he talked to his therapist out of her bra and panties. Actually, you know what would cure Bill of his sex addiction? Hillary!" --Jay Leno

"Big changes in Washington. Earlier today, new Secretary of Defense Robert Gates flew to Iraq to get a first-hand look of the situation over there. After surveying the situation, Gates was quoted as saying, 'Uh oh.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Bush delivered his annual Kwanzaa message. The president said let's remember that Kwanzaa only exists because a guy named Kwan died for our sins." --Conan O'Brien