How long does it take to conduct a sobriety test? (That's how the Sopranos ended)

So what was in the DNC Autopsy report? Well, it pretty much blamed Biden's allies for not supporting Kamala Harris enough before she took over and complains there wasn't enough research done to help her. Research? How long does it take to conduct a sobriety test? —Tom Shillue

There was nothing in the autopsy report about the Biden debate with Trump or Kamala not winning a primary. In other words, it's an autopsy without listing the cause of death. That's not an autopsy. That's how the Sopranos ended. —Tom Shillue

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He ran out of brushes (Out of touch & cowardly)

Facebook's parent company will email workers at 4:00 a.m. Wednesday to let them know that they're being laid off. It's weird, right? When I fire my employees at 4 am, I just roll over and wake them up. —Greg Gutfeld

A drip painting by the abstract expressionist Jackson Pollock sold for $181.2 million. Meanwhile, a drip painting by Hunter Biden was treated with penicillin. He ran out of brushes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I swear I'm not Kamala Harris (She was immediately hired as a Joe Biden impersonator)

There's a new dating app where you can buy someone a drink, and it has over 20,000 people on its waiting list to get the free drink. Some of the people on the waiting list include Kamala Harrisburg, Kamala Harristein, Kamala O’Harris and I swear I'm not Kamala Harris. —Greg Gutfeld

A person was arrested for urinating on furniture and appliance in an Airbnb, causing thousands of dollars in damages. She was immediately hired as a Joe Biden impersonator. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there's HOW many people in WHAT (feet picks on Only Fans)

DNC is so broke it's ready to post feet picks on Only Fans because donors are avoiding them like Hunter Biden avoids child support. —Greg Gutfeld

Next week's heatwave is expected to smash dozens of records in New York, Philly and Chicago. In fact, Illinois Governor JB Pritzker has already declared his crotch a disaster area. And in New York Jerry Nadler has already tested positive for chafing. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I haven't seen so many Democrats excited to travel since Epstein Island (Gnorts, Mr Alien)

Today of course is Earth Day. Nancy Pelosi said, "I remember the first one, seven billion years ago." —Greg Gutfeld

DNC co-chair David Hogg told Politico that JB Pritzker is a fighter. True. Right now he's battling diabetes, heart disease, and the thousand pound limit on his condo’s elevator. —Greg Gutfeld

Yesterday four more Democrats landed in El Salvador to greet Kilmar Garcia. I haven't seen so many Democrats excited to travel since Epstein Island. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact he’s had to take a second shift at the Keebler factory (two people didn't want to miss work)

The DNC has assembled a group of so-called experts to fight Trump's agenda calling it the people's cabinet. 4 foot 11 inch Robert Reich is a member, because he could fit in the cabinet. Reich said Trump's policies will devastate the job market. In fact he’s had to take a second shift at the Keebler factory. —Greg Gutfeld

Protests were held nationwide this weekend against Doge, Trump and Musk. They held it on the weekend because two people didn't want to miss work. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well excuse me, for having enormous flaws, that I don't work on! (In return I've agreed to have his baby)

Thanks to a surge of cops in the system, New York City subway crime is dipped below pre-pandemic levels Now to get attacked by crazed low-lifes you have to buy a Tesla. —Greg Gutfeld

Elon Musk has agreed to do this show, Gutfeld. In return I've agreed to have his baby. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A human dragon sleeping on a pile of rubies and gold (see-through outfits)

Gen Z gun control activist David Hogg has been elected as Vice Chair of the DNC. In the next five years his goals are to get rid of ICE, the NRA and his virginity. —Greg Gutfeld 

Kanye West's wife Bianca Censori appeared in a see-through outfit at the Grammys making viewers grateful that West isn't married to Hillary Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Too Little, Too Late Act (You know what you did)

"That's right, 104 female lawmakers. In other words, there's going to be a lot of filibusters that go like this: ''You know what you did." –Jimmy Fallon

A Democratic congressman is introducing a bill that would force presidential candidates to take a mental health exam. It is called the "Too Little, Too Late Act."  --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s the second time this summer that the Secret Service has failed to protect Trump from a lethal attack (That’s enough TV. I’m going to go exercise and read a book)

At the DNC convention Donald Trump was ridiculed non-stop. Yeah, yeah, that was brutal. That’s the second time this summer that the Secret Service has failed to protect Trump from a lethal attack. — Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

“That was the first time Trump was like, ‘That’s enough TV; I’m going to go exercise and read a book.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They Lied (ahh, still glad we broke up)

Joe Biden gave a 45-minute speech at the convention on Monday evening. I gotta say, it was a little like running into someone a month after you broke up with them, and they look good and they’re funny and they’re fiery and you think to yourself, ‘ahh, still glad we broke up.’ —Seth Meyers

President Biden thanked his wife, Jill, and said his heart still beats a little faster whenever he sees her coming down the stairs. And when Joe’s on the stairs, everyone’s heart beats faster, too. —Seth Meyers

The disgraced former congressman George Santos pleaded guilty on Monday to wire fraud and identity theft. And just for the attention, the attack on Nancy Kerrigan. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You lose 100% of the elections Democrats and Republicans Win (Fast and Furious)

And on the Daily Show, guest host Michael Kosta ribbed Democrats for their week of DNC themes – Monday: For the People. Tuesday: A Bold Vision for America’s Future. Wednesday: A Fight for Our Freedoms. Thursday: For Our Future. How do you have themes that are so vague and then still run out of ideas by Thursday? This is like when the Fast and the Furious movies ran out of different ways to say that the movies would be fast and furious. —Michael Kosta

“Each night of the convention has its own theme, and tonight’s was ‘For the People.’ Yeah, it’s a big change from a month ago, when the theme was ‘For the Last Time, Please Drop Out.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“President Biden gave a speech highlighting his accomplishments. He talked about the economy, health care and how he walked to the podium.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Surprise, it’s Kamala! Which one month ago became the Democrats’ campaign slogan.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Um, maybe we shouldn’t eat this guy. I think he’s gone bad (It's just a business for them)

You think notorious moron Donald Trump is suddenly going to be capable of having a smart conversation with voters? This is a guy who thinks windmills cause cancer, humans should inject bleach to cure Covid, and electric boat batteries will lead to shark attacks. That’s a real thing he said. Even the sharks were like, ‘Um, maybe we shouldn’t eat this guy. I think he’s gone bad.’ —Seth Meyers

At the Democratic National Convention Joe Biden will speak on Monday night, then turn the keys over to allow the event to focus on Harris. That is so wonderful. It’s always better when the seniors hand over the keys willingly. Otherwise you have to put Benadryl in their pudding. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s the same bus the Democrats threw President Biden under (This is why I always sign a prenup)

“Meanwhile, ahead of the Democratic National Convention, Kamala Harris and Tim Walz are taking a bus tour together through Pennsylvania. Yeah, and this is interesting — this is interesting — it’s the same bus the Democrats threw President Biden under.” — Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new report, former President Trump is furious at his campaign staff for letting him make the ‘terrible decision of picking JD Vance as his V.P.’ Yeah, Trump regrets pairing up with Vance. He’s like, ‘This is why I always sign a prenup.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well excuse me, for having enormous flaws that I don't work on! (Cool, they already took the wrappers off these)

Thousands of people across the country went skinny dipping this weekend in an attempt to break the 2009 world record of 13,648 skinny dippers. Then the sharks said, “Cool, they already took the wrappers off these.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Scotland announced that it will legalize gay marriage. I don't know what's bigger news, that Scotland did that or that a country where guys wear plaid skirts didn't already have gay marriage." –Jimmy Fallon

But Teacher Appreciation Day is very special. It's the one day each year when we tell our teachers that there's no one we're prouder of, and our teachers are like, "There's no one OF WHOM you're prouder." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent (Torso Jones)

"Despite his prostitution scandal several years ago, Eliot Spitzer is running for comptroller of New York. He's paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to put him on the ballot. He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent." –Conan O'Brien

"Nine survivors of shark attacks recently went to Washington, D.C., to press the Senate to put new restrictions on shark fishing. The Senate met with the leader of the group, Torso Jones." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

enormous flaws that I don't work on (time to break out the old 'Mission Accomplished' banner)

"A retired Air Force colonel said that U.S. military operations are already under way in Iran. You know what that means, time to break out the old 'Mission Accomplished' banner." –Jay Leno

"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S./Mexican border. The guards will track down and find illegals. That's not their job. They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people. Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

curl up with a big book and relive the Bush administration (but, yeah...Russia)

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is indignant at the New York Times for its sloppy reporting about the Bridgegate scandal. The governor also took the opportunity to highlight a few other things he believes are sloppy: Meatloaf with gravy, nachos, barbecue ribs, meat-lovers pizza, buffalo wings, hot-fudge sundaes and chili dogs." –David Letterman

"It's a memoir by George W. Bush and because I'm telling you, if there is one thing you really want to do now, if you are like me, and God I pray you're not like me, but if there's one thing you want to do, is get a nice fire going and curl up with a big book and relive the Bush administration." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unplug me (but, yeah...Russia)

Ted Cruz and his wife appeared in a town hall on CNN recently and his wife said that after they got back from their honeymoon, Ted bought 100 cans of Campbell's chunky soup. But to be fair, I feel like anyone who has watched this election is probably stocking up on canned goods. –Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz's daughters were also at the town hall. They said that if they end up in the White House, they want to have Taylor Swift over for dinner. Then Ted Cruz said, "I hope she likes chunky soup because I have 200 cans in the living room." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, 'Unplug me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well excuse me, for having enormous flaws that I don't work on! (I have no idea what he'll do in the movie)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a low-budget horror movie called 'The Toxic Avenger.' He wreaks havoc. He's a monster. I have no idea what he'll do in the movie." –Craig Ferguson

"You can use genealogy to trace your ancestors now. In 100 years, scientists will be able to tell that three quarters of all Americans are descended directly from Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Craig Ferguson

"Donald Duck & Donald Trump are very different of course. One’s a noisy cartoon character with a feathery a** and the other one’s Donald Duck." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”