I have very low self-esteem (deviled eggs)

With Anthony Fauci facing a Senate hearing this week. Trump has claimed that Joe Biden called him to tell him he was no good. This is obviously a lie because if you called Joe Biden, you’d still be on the phone right now. —Seth Meyers 

Senator Rand Paul released more than 1,000 pages from Dr. Anthony S. Fauci’s Covid-era diary as part of a Senate investigation into the former top government scientist’s role in the pandemic response on Wednesday. The entries highlighted Fauci’s astonishment at his newfound fame in 2020. Are we supposed to be surprised that Fauci wrote about being called sexier than Tyra Banks? If someone called me sexier than Tyra Banks, I’d write that in my diary. You know what, I’d write about being called sexier than Carlton Banks. I might even write about being compared favorably to a Bank of America. I have very low self-esteem. — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter (I go by thickness)

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what

that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are

winning it!" – Bill Hicks

A person told me that I was wearing two different colored socks. I

said it was true, but to me they were the same because I go by

thickness. –Steven Wright

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp

commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent

stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What a genius, he'll be missed (At number two, Ezra)

Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy died this week in Washington. If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes in the skull and then inserting and rotating a knife to destroy brain cells. What a genius, he'll be missed. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted 33 years less than Spirit (And also a box of Magnum XLs)

President Trump’s tax documents also show that his airline, which I didn’t know anything about, launched in 1989 and lost $7 Million a month until it shut down in 1992. And just to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted 33 years less than Spirit. --Michael Che, SNL

A 93 year old man at a nursing home in California hitch-hiked to a local convenience store so he could buy a chocolate bar to split with his girlfriend. And also a box of Magnum XLs. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was like watching Schoolhouse Rock have a stroke (trying to sync up “Dark Side of the Moon” with “Paw Patrol”)

Watching Donald Trump try to explain the legal troubles of his declaring a National Emergency was like watching Schoolhouse Rock have a stroke. --Colin Jost, SNL

A mother in Indiana was arrested after students at an elementary school were exposed to marijuana-laced gummies that she had brought to school. Teachers became suspicious at recess when the kids tried to sync up “Dark Side of the Moon” with “Paw Patrol.” --Colin Jost, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That man, you guessed it, Matthew McConaughey (pretending you have universal healthcare)

Police arrested a man who pulled his car off to the side of the road and started to have sex with it. That man, you guessed it, Matthew McConaughey. --Colin Jost

A group of hikers from Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house. —Colin Jost

​​New York City lawmakers have proposed a new law to change the sound of emergency vehicle sirens to resemble those used in Europe. That way you can spend your time in the ambulance pretending you have universal healthcare. --Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He ran out of brushes (Out of touch & cowardly)

Facebook's parent company will email workers at 4:00 a.m. Wednesday to let them know that they're being laid off. It's weird, right? When I fire my employees at 4 am, I just roll over and wake them up. —Greg Gutfeld

A drip painting by the abstract expressionist Jackson Pollock sold for $181.2 million. Meanwhile, a drip painting by Hunter Biden was treated with penicillin. He ran out of brushes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

6 inches below average (He may be smarter than me)

Conservative political figure Kari Lake has been appointed by President Trump to be the next ambassador to Jamaica. Lake says her top priority will be to convert reggae to reg-straight. —Michael Che

"A new study finds that the average length of an erect p*nis in the country is 6.34 inches. Oh, boy! That means I'm only 6 inches below average.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is the biggest threat to our freedom? (Get in line, honey)

President Trump said in an interview that he is now referring to Democrats as "Dumocrats" because they're dumb. Clever. He's also referring to himself as the greatest president of Alz's heim. —Michael Che

President Trump has rejected Iran's latest demands to end the war, including recognition of Iranian sovereignty over the Strait of Hormuz and U.S. war reparations. You want reparations from America? Get in line, honey. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a con, fraud, hustle, scam, sham, swindle (It's the man from the hats we make!)

President Trump was greeted at the Great Hall of the People by schoolchildren jumping up and down in excitement, shouting, "It's the man from the hats we make!” —Michael Che

President Trump brought his son Eric to China as a gift. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wish it had been you (traffic across state lines)

According to a senior official, President Trump keeps a letter in the Resolute Desk addressed to Vice President JD Vance in the event he dies or is assassinated. The letter reads simply, "I wish it had been you.” —Colin Jost

Texas Senator John Cornyn has introduced legislation to rename a state highway "Trump Interstate" because, for some reason, people associate Trump with traffic across state lines. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You Sure This Is Legal? Institute (keeping it and expanding it wherever possible)

This week, CIA Director John Ratcliffe traveled to Cuba, which has run out of oil and is experiencing massive blackouts. We sent the CIA director because the FBI guy is also experiencing massive blackouts. —Colin Jost

Health Secretary RFK Jr., said during an Oval Office event, that, in 1970, men had twice the sperm count as our teenagers do today. The teenage sperm counts were measured at the You Sure This Is Legal? Institute. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

And even worse, she didn't even get my good side (campaign autopsy)

Kamala Harris has reportedly told donors that she wants the DNC to release its autopsy of what went wrong in the 2024 campaign. Autopsy? Come on. Biden’s not dead. —Michael Che

A DoorDash driver in New York has been indicted on charges that she recorded a passed-out, naked customer and posted it on TikTok. And even worse, she didn't even get my good side. It's not a very good side. —Michael Che 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

so strong you won't be able to see straight (prom season)

The Supreme Court temporarily restored mail-order access to abortion pills, citing prom season. —Michael Che

President Trump dismissed weapons fire between the U.S. and Iran as a "love tap." He also called gas prices "gentle sodomy.” —Michael Che

FBI Director Kash Patel has reportedly been giving out bottles of his personalized whiskey to FBI staff. Kash Patel Whiskey -- so strong you won't be able to see straight. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

that's just the sound of an angel getting its wings (Dad's belt)

This week was Teacher Appreciation Week, so thank you to the greatest teacher of all time... Dad's belt. —Colin Jost 

A group of middle-school students in Mississippi kept their bus from crashing after the driver passed out behind the wheel. The town says the kids are heroes who acted quickly, while the bus driver says, "The kids robbed me of the death I have long begged for.” —Colin Jost 

Police in New Jersey are investigating a construction site after a porta-potty mysteriously exploded, though in New Jersey, that's just the sound of an angel getting its wings. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That better not be you, Mickey (the ashes of the ruling class)

World health authorities are tracking down dozens of passengers who left a cruise ship where there was a deadly outbreak of hantavirus, which is typically caused by exposure to rodent droppings. Damn it. That better not be you, Mickey. —Colin Jost

Jeffrey Epstein's alleged suicide note was released and contains the phrase "What you want me to do? Bust out crying?" Which is apparently referencing a line from a "Little Rascals" movie, and I think this note is real because Little Rascals were Epstein's type. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

anyone but J.D. Vance (3 stages of truth)

Well, this week Secretary of State Marco Rubio traveled to Italy to meet with Pope Leo in an attempt to repair the U.S. relationship with the Vatican after the Pope requested anyone but J.D. Vance. —Colin Jost

During their meeting, Marco Rubio also presented the Pope with a gift of an egg-shaped crystal, which he bought on his favorite religious website, AdamAndEve.com. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Weekend Update: Trump Dismisses Iran Weapons Fire As "Love Tap", Kash Patel's Personalized Whiskey

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Maybe it's the one obsessed with ballrooms and the Village People (Get Custody Back)

President Trump met with the Artemis II astronauts in the Oval Office and told them, "I like space,” which is actually a direct quote from Melania's wedding vows. —Michael Che

Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said she thinks it's possible America has already had a gay president. And here's a guess. Maybe it's the one obsessed with ballrooms and the Village People. —Michael Che

Coors Light announced the launch of their first non-alcoholic beer, Coors 0.0%. And I love their new slogan. “Coors 0.0. Get Custody Back.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it felt more like a fire hose (an Indian treasure)

Legal experts are saying that this week's Supreme Court ruling has taken a wrecking ball to the Voting Rights Act of 1965. But if you ask Black people, it felt more like a fire hose. —Michael Che

This week, King Charles visited the U.S. and met Zohran Mamdani. And I'm surprised he didn't take Mamdani back to England with him because he is an Indian treasure. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”