But before the cops could get there, she split (the right side or the left side)

A woman in Florida has gone viral after she called police to report a car crash while she was dressed as a banana. But before the cops could get there, she split. —Michael Che 

This week, a record number of people voted in Israel's election, which is great to see, regardless of if you're on the right side or the left side or the Gen-o-side. —Michael Che 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you got to admit would be a very smart way to sneak into the country (standing still and being very quiet)

A Texas branch of the NAACP has condemned a social-media video showing people walking down the street in the border town of El Paso wearing KKK robes, which, you got to admit would be a very smart way to sneak into the country. —Michael Che 

Stevie Wonder is trying to evict a woman who has lived rent free in one of his houses for nearly 40 years. The woman was able to stay for that long by standing still and being very quiet. —Michael Che 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Maybe the real lesson is that when two men have a shared passion, the sky's the limit (You folded it?)

Some users of the new iPhone Duo are reporting cracks in the foldable display. Responded Apple, "You folded it?” —Colin Jost 

Police in Scotland have opened an investigation into the extensive time the former Prince Andrew spent with Jeffrey Epstein at the King's Scottish estate. Which brings me to my segment, "Hear Me Out." Now, I know that the main story here is that they're sexual predators. But can we also acknowledge that it seems like these two had a beautiful, close friendship? How many middle-aged men do you know that go on this many cool trips together? Maybe the real lesson is that when two men have a shared passion, the sky's the limit. And what seems like a teen sex ring might actually be the perfect cure for our male loneliness epidemic. Besides, who are they even hurting? Oh, right. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey hey, easy with that. That's my lucky stabbing hat (like some people I know)

Testimony during the final week provided some spellbinding moments. In a brilliant move during closing arguments, OJ Simpson attorney Johnny Cochran put on the knit cap prosecutors say OJ wore the night he committed the murders. Although OJ may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, "Hey hey, easy with that. That's my lucky stabbing hat." --Norm Macdonald

In economic news unemployment figures rose slightly for the month of October with declines in the Dow Jones and NASDAQ. The reason for the sudden downturn? You guessed it, Frank Stallone. --Norm Macdonald

It was revealed this week that OJ Simpson defense lawyer Johnny Cochran once abused his first wife. In his defense Cochran said, "Hey at least I didn't kill her like some people I know." --Norm Macdonald

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he didn't really look into it, and he doesn't care what happens (lawn business)

President Trump says the U.S. does not think the death of a Russian laboratory worker from a suspected case of plague is the result of a bioweapon. But Trump also stressed that it's important to understand that he didn't really look into it, and he doesn't care what happens. —Colin Jost 

House Speaker Mike Johnson joked this week that if Republicans lose the House, he may go home to Louisiana and start a lawn business. Of course, in Louisiana, lawn business is just what you do when the toilet done broke. —Michael Che 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

hopefully to an agent who forgets to take them off at the urinal (the USS John Wilkes Booth)

ICE agents will reportedly start using shock gloves, which do not leave marks and cause incredible pain, hopefully to an agent who forgets to take them off at the urinal. —Michael Che 

Pete Hegseth met with the crew of the USS Abraham Lincoln, which had been at sea for a record 322 days and is now docked next to -- Oh, no, the USS John Wilkes Booth. What are the odds? —Colin Jost 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is my year (a harmless little joke that might make Trump bomb whatever country he thinks she's from)

Unfortunately we have to start tonight with a tragic developing story involving President Trump. No, not that. It's that President Trump has sadly not won the Nobel Peace Prize. I know, I know, but don't worry. I think he's taking it all in stride. President Trump: “The Nobel Prize was given out today to a liberal person who works at the United Nations, who nobody has ever heard of.” He's genuinely angry that he didn't win the Peace Prize. Trump kidnapped Venezuela's president. Then he did so much war that we're running out of missiles. And he still thought, "This is my year.” —Colin Jost 

Navi Pillay, who learned she won the Nobel Peace Prize at a conference in Germany, joked with the crowd that if they clap a little more, she may share this prize with Trump, which is a harmless little joke that might make Trump bomb whatever country he thinks she's from. —Michael Che 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

then he pays them a little more to make it nasty (crushing rail labor)

It was reported that Sean Combs pays his fellow inmates to clean his bathroom, and then he pays them a little more to make it nasty. —Michael Che 

After a recent nor'easter hit the Jersey Shore, residents reported seeing a shark swimming down a flooded street...looking for the guy who knocked up his sister. —Michael Che 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and a moat and an "elwavator" and a "waser" gun and a giant water “swide"! (the lit end)

President Trump is now claiming that the new White House ballroom will have armed drones and a moat and an "elwavator" and a "waser" gun and a giant water “swide"! —Michael Che 

A new report shows that Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, who is running as a Republican for Senate, has taken more than 275 out-of-state trips while in office. Damn. He must have needed a lot of abortions. —Michael Che 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know, like the devil (to show what he refuses to rest in)

A video was posted of Senator Mitch McConnell returning to his Washington, D.C., home and giving reporters the peace symbol to show what he refuses to rest in. —Michael Che 

President Trump, who now has the exact same posture as Bullwinkle...said he convinced A.I. executives to sign a deal that is "morally binding." You know, like the devil. —Michael Che 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess wherever Netanyahu shows up, there's going to be some relocating (despite my best efforts)

According to a recent survey, almost 20% of Gen Z have never had sex, despite my best efforts. —Michael Che 

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addressed an almost empty chamber at the UN after delegates walked out in protest over Israel's war in Gaza. I guess wherever Netanyahu shows up, there's going to be some relocating. —Michael Che 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But I thought Texas banned choosin’ (Barbie's West Bank Dreamhouse)

Critics of a new Hanukkah-themed Barbie doll are upset that the doll appears to have a larger nose than other Barbies. They're also not thrilled about Hanukkah Barbie's West Bank Dreamhouse. —Michael Che 

For a record 23rd week, the number-one song in the country was Ella Langley's "Choosin' Texas." But I thought Texas banned choosin’. —Michael Che 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Okay, now do a silly one (That's not all it can do)

Tennessee tried and failed to execute a woman on death row after injecting her with lethal drugs twice. Said the woman, "Okay, now do a silly one.” —Colin Jost 

Newly discovered records suggest that, in 1931, Adolf Hitler may have murdered his niece. Okay, that's strike two. —Colin Jost 

Scientists at a lab in Switzerland have developed a robotic hand that can walk on its fingers. "That's not all it can do," said the night janitor. —Colin Jost 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

unlimited free electricity is a problem (blowing the seeds off a dandelion)

During a Hispanic Heritage Month celebration at the White House, in which President Trump showed attendees the new ballroom floor, he warned them about falling over the edge, but added, "Only a Hispanic could survive that fall…" ...which got no reaction from the crowd because people prefer racism to make sense. —Colin Jost 

Republicans in Texas are attacking Democratic Senate nominee James Talarico by questioning his masculinity and calling him “Low-T." Talarico said he wished people would stop saying that as he blew the seeds off a dandelion. —Colin Jost 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have made a terrible mistake (because there's still time for Democrats to blow this thing)

Former Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem posted a picture of an enormous elk she killed during a hunting trip. Worse, she killed the elk by shooting her dog at it. —Colin Jost 

Kamala Harris has reportedly offered to campaign with Democratic candidates before the midterms because there's still time for Democrats to blow this thing. —Colin Jost 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have very low self-esteem (deviled eggs)

With Anthony Fauci facing a Senate hearing this week. Trump has claimed that Joe Biden called him to tell him he was no good. This is obviously a lie because if you called Joe Biden, you’d still be on the phone right now. —Seth Meyers 

Senator Rand Paul released more than 1,000 pages from Dr. Anthony S. Fauci’s Covid-era diary as part of a Senate investigation into the former top government scientist’s role in the pandemic response on Wednesday. The entries highlighted Fauci’s astonishment at his newfound fame in 2020. Are we supposed to be surprised that Fauci wrote about being called sexier than Tyra Banks? If someone called me sexier than Tyra Banks, I’d write that in my diary. You know what, I’d write about being called sexier than Carlton Banks. I might even write about being compared favorably to a Bank of America. I have very low self-esteem. — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter (I go by thickness)

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what

that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are

winning it!" – Bill Hicks

A person told me that I was wearing two different colored socks. I

said it was true, but to me they were the same because I go by

thickness. –Steven Wright

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp

commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent

stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What a genius, he'll be missed (At number two, Ezra)

Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy died this week in Washington. If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes in the skull and then inserting and rotating a knife to destroy brain cells. What a genius, he'll be missed. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted 33 years less than Spirit (And also a box of Magnum XLs)

President Trump’s tax documents also show that his airline, which I didn’t know anything about, launched in 1989 and lost $7 Million a month until it shut down in 1992. And just to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted 33 years less than Spirit. --Michael Che, SNL

A 93 year old man at a nursing home in California hitch-hiked to a local convenience store so he could buy a chocolate bar to split with his girlfriend. And also a box of Magnum XLs. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was like watching Schoolhouse Rock have a stroke (trying to sync up “Dark Side of the Moon” with “Paw Patrol”)

Watching Donald Trump try to explain the legal troubles of his declaring a National Emergency was like watching Schoolhouse Rock have a stroke. --Colin Jost, SNL

A mother in Indiana was arrested after students at an elementary school were exposed to marijuana-laced gummies that she had brought to school. Teachers became suspicious at recess when the kids tried to sync up “Dark Side of the Moon” with “Paw Patrol.” --Colin Jost, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”