Hitler accidentally added her to a group chat (Eat out of this trough, you pig!)

Betty Webb, one of the last surviving World War II codebreakers, has died at the age of 101. Webb first deciphered Nazi communications after Hitler accidentally added her to a group chat. —Colin Jost

Subway has partnered with Doritos to offer new Footlong Nachos. But I don't love the slogan — "Eat out of this trough, you pig!” —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey we're playing MS-13 tonight! (Nancy Pelosi is seeking the death penalty)

President Trump signed an order today to dismantle the Department of Education. One angry ex employee claims it was the worst thing to happen since the Nazis won the Civil War. —Greg Gutfeld

You can definitely tell spring is here. In Central Park this afternoon I saw a rat catching a Frisbee. On my way into work this morning I saw my Uber driver applying sunblock to his middle finger and earlier today in Times Square I saw a Venezuelan gang member carrying a softball mitt. Yeah, hey we're playing MS-13 tonight! —Greg Gutfeld 

Hilaria Baldwin defended lashing out at her husband Alec during an awkward red carpet interview. She claimed he was man-terrupting which sure beats manslaughtering. —Greg Gutfeld

US border officials in Indiana have confiscated nearly $10,000 worth of fake Botox products. Nancy Pelosi is seeking the death penalty. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason (population control experts)

A Florida man who accidentally fired a gun in a strip club restroom while trying to take a selfie has been sent to prison. The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason. –Conan O’Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on his memoirs. People say when the book comes out President Bush is not going to be happy. Not because the book is critical of Bush, but because it's one of those books that's all words." --Conan O'Brien

In his press conference, President Trump referred to the neo-Nazis as "history buffs." Then he referred to serial killers as "population control experts." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Show us your tax returns cam (sex ed class)

"An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'" –Conan O'Brien

Today Donald Trump's official Twitter account accidentally tweeted a photo of him that also had images of Nazis in it. The Nazis are furious. –Conan O’Brien

"At a basketball game, the President and Michelle Obama got caught off-guard on a kiss cam. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney was caught off-guard by the show us your tax returns cam." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So don't expect to see another one of those 1-0 blowouts (In a related story, the Pope is missing. And nobody saw nothin')

"Both the U.S. and German teams have very good goalies, so many are predicting a very low-scoring game tomorrow. So don't expect to see another one of those 1-0 blowouts." –Conan O'Brien

"England was knocked out of the World Cup. It's the most English people wiped out at one time since the last episode of 'Game of Thrones.'" –Conan O'Brien

​​"Over the weekend Pope Francis implied that the Mafia should be excommunicated. In a related story, the Pope is missing. And nobody saw nothin'." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Stop glorifying your oppressors (Chrysler Mountain)

In Argentina, an entire trove of Nazi artifacts has been found hidden in a house. You can see the whole thing on the new reality show, “Nazi Hoarders.” –Conan O’Brien

House Speaker Paul Ryan has unveiled a Republican alternative to Obamacare. It’s called "Dying at 50." –Conan O’Brien

"Tough times all over. Amusement park company Six Flags is filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Experts say it's due in large part to their money-losing ride, Chrysler Mountain." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined (Ukraine in a nutshell)

"We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops – because they feed on each other." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined." –Jimmy Kimmel

 

"On Monday, the lieutenant governor will take over. His name is David Patterson. He's African-American and legally blind. He'll be the first blind governor in the United States. He's already announced that his top legislative priority will be the death penalty for people who don't clean up after their dogs." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Man, if those walls could talk I bet they would commit suicide before they had a chance to talk (Ukraine in a nutshell)

A Goldman Sachs executive has bought Jeffrey Epstein’s former upper East Side mansion for more than $50 Million.  Man, if those walls could talk I bet they would commit suicide before they had a chance to talk. —Michael Che

Land O'Lakes butter has removed the Native American woman from the landscape on its packaging over concerns that the imagery was racist. Unfortunately they are replacing her with a pipe line. —Michael Che

Miller Lite is now selling bar-scented candles including one called Dive Bar. For a preview of the smell, just miss the toilet for a week. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What did you do during the war on drugs dad? (they’re going to have to put down Sean Hannity)

April 2023

“I am glad that there is some accountability here. But still, I am pretty disappointed we are not going to get a trial, because all the Fox anchors would have been forced to testify. It would have been like the ‘Seinfeld’ finale, but instead of soup Nazis, it’s just Nazis.” —Jordan Klepper

“Since Fox is going to have to pay nearly a billion dollars, they’ll need to implement cost-cutting measures. Sadly, they have to fire Brian Kilmeade’s reading tutor, Jeanine Pirro has to switch to the cheap box of wine, development on a third Doocy has been halted. They’re going to have to switch from Jesse Watters to tap waters. And of course, they’re going to have to put down Sean Hannity.” —Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You cannot take this away from me, this is my Super Bowl (not a huge compliment/Hitler Homes and Goebbels)

April 2023

“Harlan Crow is an arch-conservative who’s known for his assorted Nazi memorabilia and garden full of statues of the 20th century’s worst despots. It’s so impressive that they put him on the cover of ‘Hitler Homes and Goebbels.’” —Stephen Colbert

“During another appearance at his ancestral home of County Mayo, President Biden made his first ever WWE entrance on stage to dramatic light. Biden said ‘I see the light’ to the attendees. There are three things you never say at your age, sir: ‘I see the light’, ‘that can wait until tomorrow’ and ‘I’ll drive’.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Fox News/Dominion trial has been delayed and may even be settled before it begins. You cannot take this away from me, this is my Super Bowl.” —Stephen Colbert

“Clarence Thomas, the supreme court justice who was revealed to have accepted lavish gifts and trips on the yacht and private jet of the billionaire Harlan Crow, who also collects Nazi memorabilia. Crow also bought the house where Thomas’s elderly mother is living rent-free. His defense is that he wants to create a public museum at the Thomas home. Just a reminder that Harlan Crow has Hitler’s napkins and a statue of Stalin in his garden so building you a museum: not a huge compliment.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Worse, the signature reads, ‘Dear Harlan, Big fan. Adolf.’ (no questions asked)

April 2023

A new report claims that for decades, Clarence Thomas and his wife went on luxury trips paid for by republican mega-donor and whitest guy with the blackest name, Harlan Crow. Justice Thomas accepted the free trips the same way he approaches working on the Supreme Court, with no questions asked. —Colin Jost

It was also revealed today that Harlan Crow has a vast collection of Nazi memorabilia, including a copy of Mein Kampf signed by Hitler. Worse, the signature reads, ‘Dear Harlan, Big fan. Adolf.’ —Colin Jost

Florida governor Ron DeSantis, who always looks like someone told him to go home and get his shine box, signed a bill that allows Florida residents to carry concealed guns without a permit. Because Florida is dangerous, and you just never know when someone is going to run up to you and say, ‘Gay.’ —Colin Jost

A woman who has been traveling the world says she’s gone on 34 first dates in nearly 20 countries. Her secret? She’s being sex trafficked. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s the amount of weed Willie Nelson scrapes out of his belly button (You release Gargog the Flesh-Manglers)

December 2022

“We are celebrating the release of the WNBA star Brittney Griner from Russian detention on Thursday morning in a prisoner swap. It’s a big win for freedom, big win for Joe Biden. Griner was detained in February and sentenced to nine years in prison after Russian airport security found vape cartridges with 0.7 grams of cannabis oil in her luggage. They gave her hard time for seven-tenths of one gram. That’s the amount of weed Willie Nelson scrapes out of his belly button.” —Stephen Colbert

“Griner will return to US soil in a one-for-one prisoner swap with the Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout, nicknamed the ‘Merchant of Death’. So to get a sports star who had less than one gram of weed, we handed over the Merchant of Death. This is how it always goes with Russian prisoner swaps. [with Russian accent] ‘OK, we give you back tourists who took unflattering photo of Red Square. You release Gargog the Flesh-Manglers.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Welcome home, Brittney. A lot of has changed. Don’t Google ‘Kanye Hitler’.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we don’t know exactly what happened at that dinner except that nobody ordered latkes (I assume they play in clogs)

November 2022

“We are delighted over the US team’s win over Iran at the World Cup: It was win or go home, and we won, baby! It was a tense and thrilling match and I feel comfortable about the team’s next game opposite the Netherlands. Oh, we can take the Dutch. I assume they play in clogs.” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump’s dinner with Nick Fuentes, a prominent white supremacist, we don’t know exactly what happened at that dinner except that nobody ordered latkes.” —Trevor Noah

“Several Republicans criticized Trump for hosting two neo-Nazis. It’s so funny to watch Republicans try to chastise Trump for hanging out with someone who has the exact same views as him without chastising Trump for having those views.” —Trevor Noah

“It is nice to see Republican officials speak out against Trump for a change, but there tends to be a predictable formula. They get mad for a little while but get back together with him in the end. Trump scandals are basically like Hallmark movies … except Trump never actually changes and becomes a better person.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And just to tick him off, Biden told the waiter it was their anniversary (Just one more thing...)

One of Donald Trump’s potential attorneys general is reportedly already working on a plan to make Muslims register with the government. Does anyone see a problem with that, or do you “Nazi?” –Seth Meyers

"According to excerpts from Sarah Palin's memoir, 'Going Rogue,' the former vice presidential nominee says her infamous Katie Couric interview went so poorly because Couric was badgering, had a partisan agenda, and asked questions." –Seth Meyers

Vice President Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Mike Pence had lunch together this afternoon. And just to tick him off, Biden told the waiter it was their anniversary. – Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them (It’s called leadership, people)

August 2022

“There was an extraordinary excerpt from yet another book on the Trump White House. According to an excerpt published in the New Yorker from The Divider: Trump in the White House, by Peter Baker and Susan Glasser, Trump complained to his chief of staff John Kelly, a former Marine Corps general: ‘You fucking generals, why can’t you be like the German generals?’  That’s right, Fox News was out there every day being like, ‘these liberals are so over the top, always comparing Trump to Hitler.’ Meanwhile, Trump was going ‘why won’t people treat me more like Hitler? Why not?’ It actually got more alarming than that, because Kelly reportedly pointed out that Hitler was almost assassinated three times by his military leaders. Trump replied: ‘No, no, no, they were totally loyal to him.’ I don’t know why, but I feel like that information didn’t change Trump’s opinion of the German generals. Knowing Trump, he was probably like, ‘Those losers tried to kill Hitler three times and they choked like a dog … you know who was able to kill Hitler on the first try? Hitler. It’s called leadership, people.’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I usually vote for whomever Cher is voting for (that's only $22 a day)

"Democrats are split pretty evenly between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. I say, when in doubt, let your favorite celebrity decide for you. I usually vote for whomever Cher is voting for." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Paris Hilton is in hot water for a picture in which she looks like she's doing a Nazi salute. Let's be honest, Paris Hilton has no idea what a Nazi salute is. She probably thinks Nazi is a game you play with dice." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now they are saying that Eliot Spitzer may have spent $80,000 on prostitutes over the last ten years. Is that a lot? I mean if you do the math, that's only $22 a day. I spend that on Direct TV." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z (And if you don't know who to root for...)

July 2014

"Today, our show got nominated for six Emmy Awards! And if we win for best show, I promised to give the Emmy to my parents. And if we win for best writing, I promised to give the Emmy to Rob Ford. He wrote half our monologues." –Jimmy Fallon

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"Argentina beat Holland in the World Cup semifinals yesterday and now Argentina will face Germany in the World Cup Finals. Argentina versus Germany. And if you don't know who to root for, imagine how elderly Nazis feel." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Where the hell are those Jewish space lasers when you need them? (He did nothing, and he said nothing)

May 2021

“Several Republicans in Congress have spoken out against Nancy Pelosi’s mask mandate. But by far the worst take came from Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, whose every utterance sounds like it is coming from someone being dragged backward out of a Costco grabbing at the DVD rack. Greene, who has a history of anti-Semitism, used an absolutely insane and grotesque analogy when she compared Pelosi’s mandate to the Holocaust on a recent podcast. You just compared having to wear a mask to prevent transmission of a highly contagious respiratory illness to the Holocaust. I’d say you should be wearing a straitjacket, but with you I’m guessing a normal jacket put on backward would probably do the trick: [imitating Majorie Taylor Greene] ‘How do I get out of this? The Antifa Democrats have trapped me in a windbreaker! This is just like Nazi Germany.’” —Seth Meyers

“She’s like the lady at the P.T.A. meeting who argues that math violates the Constitution: [as Greene] ‘According to the First Amendment, two plus two equals whatever I say it does.’ ‘Ma’am, do you even have a child at this school?’ ‘Oh, I guess I need children to have an opinion on the curriculum for a school two towns over from mine. I didn’t know I was living in Soviet Russia.’” —Seth Meyers

“Where the hell are those Jewish space lasers when you need them?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy immediately condemned her comments. He said they were reprehensible and totally inconsistent with the values of the Republican Party. No, just kidding — he said nothing. He did nothing, and he said nothing.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now we don't know who won World War II (I didn’t know they kicked it up to voter extinction)

August 2020

“After watching the Republican national convention, I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ve got chills, I’ve got nausea. It’s either the onset of Covid, or seeing 1,500 people with no social distancing, no masks and no testing packed on to the South Lawn of the White House. I know Republicans like voter suppression, I didn’t know they kicked it up to voter extinction.” —Stephen Colbert

“Before Donald Trump capped the convention with a nearly 70-minute speech, he was introduced by his daughter an American Girl doll just following orders, Ivanka Trump, who boasted about working with her father to pass ‘nine pieces of legislation to combat the evil of human trafficking’. And then I watched him tell one of those human traffickers, Ghislaine Maxwell, that he wished her well.” —Stephen Colbert

“The presidency proverbially changes the occupant. It matures them, it ages them. But Trump doesn’t do any of the stuff that matures you or ages you, like worrying about the American people or feeling responsibility for protecting them or evidently anything else. Looking at Trump in 2016 and now in 2020, I guess it’s true what they say: taxidermy don’t cracks-a-dermy. The last four years are like Trump is Dorian Gray and we’re the picture.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Danger! Electricity, but maybe you’ll get superpowers, get in here you wuss! (Purple Heartless)

“As of Wednesday, the United States, with only 4% of the world’s population, had the most diagnosed cases of coronavirus in the world and the highest number of fatalities. But Donald Trump sees the sunny side of his abject failure, telling reporters earlier this week that he saw the number of cases as ‘a badge of honor’. I believe that badge is called the ‘Purple Heartless’. —Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, reports have tracked the conflict brewing between the Trump administration and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), an agency usually known as a beacon for public health. You know, a pandemic is not the best time to be feuding with that particular agency. You never saw FDR pick a fight with the Center for Defeating Nazis.” —Stephen Colbert

“CDC officials have claimed that they’ve been ‘muzzled’ by the administration, particularly over its guidelines for how to reopen safely, which the administration ignored because they were ‘overly specific’. Based on those original guidelines, none of the places reopening currently qualify. So instead, this week, the CDC released watered-down criteria, because if you can’t meet the safety guidelines, just change them! Same way a sign that says ‘Danger! Electricity, do not enter,’ is a buzzkill, so you change it to ‘Danger! Electricity, but maybe you’ll get superpowers, get in here you wuss!’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”