Does he run on our misery? Does that make him stronger? (unless they have shovels)

I hope you had a happy Monday, because the dizzying, chaotic carnival ride that is Donald Trump’s America continues to careen down Shitshow Hill. It’s fucking madness out there: TSA lines longer than your actual trip, escalating threats in the Middle East, planes driving into trucks. But luckily, with everything going wrong in our country, our intrepid leader is utterly unbothered. The world disintegrates around President Trump, largely due to his actions, yet he still managed to spend the weekend golfing a couple of times and partying at Mar-a-Lago. I really think that the less fun we’re all having, the better he seems to be doing. Does he run on our misery? Does that make him stronger? —Jon Stewart

Look, Donald Trump is without a doubt one of the most prodigious liars this country has ever produced. He’s our Supreme Misleader. But the chaos this very actual war is creating is making us question even his reality-distorting powers. Let’s step back into the wayback machine. All the way back, I don’t know, June, when Israel and the United States first bombed Iran’s nuclear program. Remember when Trump claimed, among other things, that “we wiped out the nuclear capability of Iran. Obliterated it.” “It was obliterated like nobody’s ever seen before.” “I would say it’s set back permanently.” “That place is under rock. That place is demolished” And “They’re never gonna have nuclear.” CNN host Kaitlan Collins asked him: “If you obliterated their nuclear sites last summer with your strikes, then how can you argue it was an imminent threat now?” “We hit them so hard we oblitted them – obliterated them, but that doesn’t mean with the right equipment you can’t dig down and go get it.” Actually, I think it’s exactly what it means. God damn it. Motherfucker. It’s so annoying. Let’s consult the dictionary: “‘To obliterate: to destroy completely, leaving nothing behind.’ There’s nothing in here about, ‘Well, we completely obliterated it, unless they have shovels.’” —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the first pizza where they promise to deliver an ambulance in 30 minutes (he made a Djibouti call)

Cameron Crowe has issued an apology for casting Emma Stone as an Asian woman in his new movie. He also announced that his next film about Malcolm X will no longer star Benedict Cumberbatch.—Conan O’Brien

Pizza Hut announced it will be unveiling a pizza whose crust is stuffed with hot dogs. It's the first pizza where they promise to deliver an ambulance in 30 minutes.—Conan O’Brien

"Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's all part of a bigger plan to make El Salvador more like Times Square (Accidents will happen)

So today is April Fool’s Day. It's when I tell my writers they're getting a huge bonus. —Greg Gutfeld

The White House is cutting down a 200-year-old tree that was planted by Andrew Jackson. Spectators were horrified when it turned out to be John Kerry. Accidents will happen. —Greg Gutfeld

On Sunday night President Trump deported more gang members to El Salvador including child rapists and convicted killers. It's all part of a bigger plan to make El Salvador more like Times Square. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call (You're being a real McDick right now)

"The birth certificate of the royal baby lists her parents' occupations as being 'the prince and princess of the United Kingdom.' It says that under occupation, which I guess sounds better than 'unemployed.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Prince William's pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, 'Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Too bad Bush can't find bin Laden to thank him personally (These colors don't run into the building)

 

"Here's a little political fact. Dick Cheney is the first Vice President in eighty years not to run for president. Actually, Cheney did consider four more years, but his doctor only gave him two-and-a-half." --Jay Leno

"And earlier this week on the Internet, Paris Hilton posted her own ad to spoof the ad John McCain made about her. The McCain camp responded by saying that Paris Hilton supports McCain's approach to America's energy crisis. You know, how desperate is your presidential campaign when you have to try and convince people that Paris Hilton agrees with you? Personally, I'm not voting till I hear what Britney has to say." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush says Osama bin Laden actually helped him defeat John Kerry in the election. Too bad Bush can't find bin Laden to thank him personally." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's why we don't tax them (Sleepover)

"Following a John Kerry speech this Monday at the University of Florida, a student asked too many questions, forcing security to provide him with the answers [on screen: video of the tasering]. Of course the mainstream media was horrified. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is about being tasered. It can't be worse than when I wash my hair and blow dry it at the same time." --Stephen Colbert

American's love rich people. That's why we don't tax them.--Stephen Colbert

"I mean, at the end of this man's presidency, even as my fellow conservatives were abandoning George W. Bush like rats on a sinking ship on a crash course with Cat Island, I remained faithful, and I'm sure he knows that from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country whose less popular than I am (You never really get used to it)

Now that the election is narrowing to a two-person race, Donald Trump said he will have to get used to Hillary Clinton’s shouting. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You never really get used to it." –Conan O’Brien

"Senator John Kerry was heckled while giving a speech, and the heckler had to be subdued with a taser gun. When reached for comment, the man said being tasered in the chest was still better than sitting through an entire Kerry speech." --Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump now appears to be the likely Republican nominee. In a related story, Canada is getting ready for 45 million people to come crash on their couch. –Conan O’Brien

"Several Jewish groups are upset because President Bush issued Rosh Hashanah greetings over a week early. So they're saying that Bush doesn't know when Rosh Hashanah is. Bush says he'll make up the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run and broke Hank Aaron's record. Last night, President Bush did not call Barry Bonds but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, 'I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country whose less popular than I am.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug (Do you feel what I feel?)

"Senator Larry Craig gave a press conference today where he said, I'm not gay, I've never been that way. Then he apologized to his wife, Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'" –Jay Leno

"President Bush introduced former Fox broadcaster Tony Snow as the new White House Press Secretary. See, this is the perfect example of wasteful government spending. I mean, why is the president paying someone to join his staff and tow the party line when he was doing it on Fox News for free?" --Jay Leno

 

"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno

"In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says we should all convert to Islam 'cause there are no taxes. He's now running third in Iowa. Is it me or is bin Laden getting more Western in these videos? Like in this new one where he wants us to convert to Islam, he says if you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you convert to Islam he'll throw in a free prayer rug (Do you feel what I feel?)

"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to

sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his

hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'"

–Jay Leno

"Senator Larry Craig gave a press conference today where he said, I'm not gay, I've never been that way. Then he apologized to his wife, Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"President Bush introduced former Fox broadcaster Tony Snow as the new White House Press Secretary. See, this is the perfect example of wasteful government spending. I mean, why is the president paying someone to join his staff and tow the party line when he was doing it on Fox News for free?" --Jay Leno

 

"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno

"In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says we should all convert to Islam 'cause there are no taxes. He's now running third in Iowa. Is it me or is bin Laden getting more Western in these videos? Like in this new one where he wants us to convert to Islam, he says if you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a half million dollars and a brand new Hummer (not the toy)

"Al Gore won the Nobel prize for his work on global warming.

Here's what he gets for the Nobel prize: one and a half million

dollars and a brand new Hummer." --David Letterman

"The people who are really getting tough with the Middle

East are the House Foreign Relations Committee. Those

motherf------ are not kidding around. They voted yesterday

to condemn, as an act of genocide, the killings of Armenians

in Turkey in 1915. See, this is exactly why the voters gave

control to the Democrats. They send a stern message

to the Ottoman Empire." --Bill Maher

"This week, the presidential race continued to tighten up.

In fact, according to the latest polls, John McCain is now

only six points behind Sarah Palin." --Amy Poehler

"Following a John Kerry speech this Monday at the

University of Florida, a student asked too many

questions, forcing security to provide him with

the answers [on screen: video of the tasering].

Of course the mainstream media was horrified.

Personally, I don't see what the big deal is about

being tasered. It can't be worse than when I wash

my hair and blow dry it at the same time."

--Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug (Do you feel what I feel?)

"Congress has voted to extend the Bush tax cuts. Is it me, or is

George W. Bush getting more done now than when he was in

office?" –Jay Leno

"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir

to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with

his hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'"

–Jay Leno

"Senator Craig gave a press conference today where he said,

I'm not gay, I've never been that way. Then he apologized to

his wife, Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"President Bush introduced former Fox broadcaster Tony

Snow as the new White House Press Secretary. See, this

is the perfect example of wasteful government spending.

I mean, why is the president paying someone to join his

staff and tow the party line when he was doing it on

Fox News for free?" --Jay Leno

 

"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very

upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated

by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible

that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass

that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno

"In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to

America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says

we should all convert to Islam 'cause there are no taxes.

He's now running third in Iowa. Is it me or is bin Laden

getting more Western in these videos? Like in this new

one where he wants us to convert to Islam, he says if

you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Really, then how come we eat most of the world's donuts? (potential endless quagmire)

September 2013

"President Obama is in Russia. You know what he's doing there? I think he's seeking asylum." –Jay Leno

"The president cancelled a fundraising trip to California next week because of the Syria situation. That's when you know this is serious." –Jay Leno 

"On Tuesday President Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria 'a war,' he is calling it a 'limited military intervention' — which sounds better than 'potential endless quagmire.'" –Jay Leno 

"John Kerry said during the Senate hearing that we are not the world's policemen. Really, then how come we eat most of the world's donuts?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally a company looking out for the interests of gay and lesbian Chinese factory workers! (American traditions)

August 2013

"John Kerry said it's 'undeniable' that the president of Syria is using weapons of mass destruction. Kerry said President Obama needs to build a coalition of countries and attack soon, no matter what others might say. Today former President George Bush said, 'Hey, good luck with that. Let me know how it works out.'" –Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart will soon begin offering benefits for their employees' same-sex partners. How about that? Finally a company looking out for the interests of gay and lesbian Chinese factory workers!" –Jay Leno

"The attorney general of New York is now suing Donald Trump for $40 million claiming that Trump University is a fraud. I guess he got suspicious when he realized the dean of the business school was Bernie Madoff." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit (they spent the whole time bitching about their boss)

March 2013

"New Secretary of State John Kerry — what do you think? Is he getting the job done? I don't know. It's hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit." –David Letterman

"During its trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel's relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle – restoring Israel's relationship with pork." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about their boss." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yes, if you go: up, up, down down, B, A, B, A, select (the pressure has really taken a toll on Hillary Clinton)

February 2013

"Even though many have wanted to see Gitmo closed, including President Obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business. It's the Radio Shack of the War on Terror." –Stephen Colbert

"The War on Terror just turned 12-years-old, which explains why it's into remote controlled planes." –Stephen Colbert 

"Can our drone program win the war on terror? Yes, if you go: up, up, down down, B, A, B, A, select." –Stephen Colbert 

"John Kerry is the new secretary of state. Or the pressure has really taken a toll on Hillary Clinton." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The other 22% burst into flames (Capitalist Dictionary)

January 2013

"A new poll found 78% of respondents believed the planet had warmed over the past 100 years. The other 22% burst into flames." –Stephen Colbert

"There's a petition going around asking President Obama to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday. That's a good idea. After a long, exhausting day of sitting on the couch watching TV, I need a day off." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"A bipartisan group of senators has unveiled a plan that would create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as immigrants call that, 'a tunnel.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We have a new secretary of state, John Kerry, former senator from Massachusetts. For four years Hillary Clinton served as the secretary of state, and in a moving ceremony today Hillary official turned over the pants suit." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”