Trump would high-five him so hard it would break both their hands (It will be the first time Trump has ever paid a construction worker on time)

During a particularly contentious back-and-forth, the Democratic senator Tim Kaine pressed Hegseth over his alleged marital affairs. “You’re asking why Pete Hegseth didn’t tell Trump about how many times he cheated on his wife? Maybe because if he did, Trump would high-five him so hard it would break both their hands.”  —Jordan Klepper                                       

The Village People are set to perform at Trump’s inaugural eve ball. It will be the first time Trump has ever paid a construction worker on time. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I said ‘Tom Cruise.’ (do you really need an excuse?)

Marriott reached a $12 billion deal to buy Starwood Hotels and

Resorts, which now makes Marriott the world's biggest hotel

chain. At first the deal only cost $9 billion, but then they

celebrated with a tiny bottle of champagne from the minibar,

which made it $12 billion. –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday the Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage

in Kansas. They didn't give a reason for the ruling, but then again

when a state is famous for a Judy Garland musical about a

rainbow and a wizard who comes out of a closet, do you really

need an excuse?" –Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz is actually being considered by Donald Trump to be

attorney general. Though it will be pretty awkward when he shows

up on his first day of work and Trump goes, “I said ‘Tom Cruise.’”

–Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why are you mad about this, but not this? (even if she doesn't win is going to look great on her resume)

Hillary Clinton became the first woman to be nominated by a major party in the United States, which even if she doesn't win is going to look great on her resume. –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush's memoir is set to come out just in time for the midterm elections and it has some Republicans upset because it may remind voters of — President Bush." –Jimmy Kimmel

Hillary’s choice for running mate, Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine, gave a speech last night where he revealed that not only does he habla español, he can do a Donald Trump impression. He did such a convincing job that Tim Kaine is now leading Hillary Clinton by 3 percent. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He carries so many because they’re constantly getting slapped out of his hands (Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tut.)

Donald Trump accused media outlets this morning of deliberately editing his words to make him come across in a bad light. Also making Trump come across in a bad light – light. –Seth Meyers

The U.N. General Assembly began today, and Donald Trump was scheduled to meet with the president of Egypt. Said Trump, “Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tut.” –Seth Meyers

The New York Times revealed today that Tim Kaine travels with six harmonicas in his briefcase. He carries so many because they’re constantly getting slapped out of his hands. –Seth Meyers

"In a recent promotion, Mitt Romney is offering donors a chance to win a ride on his campaign plane. But if you know how Mitt Romney travels, this is one contest you don't want to win." (on screen: a picture of someone strapped to the roof of his plane) –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image (The previous record holder was heroin)

"Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin." –Jimmy Kimmel

Hillary’s choice for running mate, Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine, gave a speech last night where he revealed that not only does he habla español, he can do a Donald Trump impression. He did such a convincing job that Tim Kaine is now leading Hillary Clinton by 3 percent. –Jimmy Kimmel

"BP's oil cap seems to be working. The cap they're using is childproof, so it'll never come off." –Jimmy Kimmel

It was a historic night. We're either going to have our first female president, or the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So far, Geraldo has narrowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television (the 'good' kind of Herpes)

"Next week, 88 year-old Senator Robert Byrd will become the longest serving U.S. Senator in American history. When asked if he was still capable of conducting the business of state, the 88 year-old said, 'I like lemons.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In the editorial, Arnold complains that too many immigrants are sneaking into the country and becoming governors." --Conan O'Brien, on California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's editorial in the Wall Street Journal

"This week Geraldo Rivera went to Philadelphia to investigate what he says was a plot to kill him. So far, Geraldo has narrowed down the suspects to anyone who owns a television." --Conan O'Brien

 

"Condoleezza Rice is the most popular member of the Bush administration. Yeah, experts say that claiming to be the most popular member of the Bush administration is like claiming you got the 'good' kind of Herpes." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump’s shortlist includes anyone from the cast of Entourage. (N*zi Hoarders)

Hillary Clinton’s shortlist for running mate includes Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Sen. Tim Kaine, and HUD Secretary Julian Castro. Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s shortlist includes "anyone from the cast of 'Entourage.'" –Conan O’Brien

In Argentina, an entire trove of Nazi artifacts has been found hidden in a house. You can see the whole thing on the new reality show, “Nazi Hoarders.” –Conan O’Brien

"The Christmas-themed town of North Pole, Alaska, has officially approved marijuana dispensaries. So don't expect your presents from Santa until next April." –Conan O'Brien

House Speaker Paul Ryan has unveiled a Republican alternative to Obamacare. It’s called "Dying at 50." –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it only takes 24 hours for anyone to forget who Tim Kaine is (you might have a chance to ask God face to face)

January 2022

“I saw that because of a huge winter storm, a 50-mile stretch of I-95 in Virginia was shut down, and drivers were stranded on the Interstate for more than 24 hours. The only happy person was the cabdriver whose fare got up to $14 million.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Twenty-four hours in standstill traffic — I’m pretty sure there’s 50 miles of highway just covered in yellow snow.” —Jimmy Fallon

“In fact, Virginia Senator Tim Kaine was one of the commuters trapped on the Interstate, causing him to tweet this: ‘I started my normal 2 hour drive to DC at 1pm yesterday. 19 hours later, I’m still not near the Capitol.’ But his commute wasn’t done. It took him 27 hours to get to work. Twenty-seven hours! The stakes were high too because it only takes 24 hours for anyone to forget who Tim Kaine is.” —James Corden

“There have been over one million new cases of Covid reported in the US on Monday – a record high, though case reporting was delayed because of the holiday weekend. See, it’s not really that bad. It’s like when an exterminator says, ‘don’t worry, a thousand rats didn’t just move into your breakfast nook. It was just one rat, who gave birth over the weekend to a thousand rats.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Certain Republicans continue making idiotic comments about Covid, such as Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin, who told a radio show on Monday: ‘Why have we assumed that the body’s natural immune system isn’t the marvel that it really is? Why do we think that we can create something better than God in terms of – in terms of combating disease?’ OK, yes, I get it – God created our immune systems. He also created Ron Johnson, so he has been known to shank it. So he raises the question: does the Lord want you to have the vaccine? I don’t know, but take Ron Johnson’s advice, and you might have a chance to ask God face to face.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

like he’s offering hors d’oeuvres at a party (it’s as clear as it could it possibly be)

July 2020

“On Thursday President Trump used Twitter to decry mail-in voting – a standard practice for state elections – and to ‘Delay the Election until people can properly, securely and safely vote???’ Oh great, so not only is he casually suggesting incinerating American democracy, he’s doing it like he’s offering hors d’oeuvres at a party. 

Though the president does not have the power to move an election – that is entrusted by the constitution to Congress – it’s not enough to just consult your pocket constitution, shrug off the president’s tweet and move on, satisfied that we’ve outmaneuvered him with a factcheck. 

That’s because the craven husks around Trump are already laying the groundwork for Trump to do exactly what he wants to do, law be damned. For example, the attorney general, William Barr, was asked at a congressional hearing this week whether the president had the power to move an election. It’s as straightforward a legal question as you could possibly get, yet Barr treated the matter as a mystery, saying he had ‘never looked into it’. 

The secretary of state, Mike Pompeo, when asked the same question at a separate hearing by Senator Tim Kaine on Thursday, said the department of justice ‘will make that legal determination’. No, they won’t. It’s in the constitution and federal law – it’s as clear as it could it possibly be.  

The press seems to be relying on reassurances from other Republicans, such as the Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell, that the election will occur as scheduled. Stop giving them credit for that. That’s not a courageous stand, it’s just the bare minimum. Just because the bar is all the way on the floor doesn’t mean we have to give him credit for stepping over it.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

President Obama and some guy brought doughnuts! (return Mike Pence to Westworld)

After President Trump tweeted a poster of himself in the style of HBO's Game of Thrones that said "Sanctions Are Coming," HBO responded and said it would prefer the tagline not be misappropriated for political purposes. They'd also appreciate it if he would return Mike Pence to Westworld.  --Seth Meyers

Former President Obama and Senator Tim Kaine took doughnuts to a campaign office in Northern Virginia today. Or, as the people in the office put it, "President Obama and some guy brought doughnuts!" --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

trump's biggest economic success is Barack Obama (Wonder Woman, pt. 1)

Last week, President Trump announced the United States will withdraw from the Paris climate agreement. Trump said he wants the entire country to be the same temperature as a Florida golf course. –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton’s running mate, Tim Kaine, tweeted that Trump is pulling out of it because he’s jealous of Obama. Then Kaine waited for one of his 25 followers to retweet him. –Jimmy Fallon

“Wonder Woman” made over $100 million at the box office this weekend, and beat “Captain Underpants.” But I think Captain Underpants is in denial — he’s been handing out electoral maps to show the theaters where he won. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

email her a birthday card, or just send it straight to WikiLeaks

In South Carolina, a woman was convicted of defrauding her sorority of $235,000. It was the landmark case of Jen v. A Bunch of Ashleys. –Conan O’Brien

The Clinton campaign released a video of vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine and rapper Pusha T discussing social issues at a campaign stop. Tim Kaine had a lot of questions for Pusha T, the first being “who are you?” –Conan O’Brien

Today is a special day, today is Hillary Clinton’s birthday. You could email her a birthday card, or just send it straight to WikiLeaks. –Conan O’Brien

He carries so many because they’re constantly getting slapped out of his hands

The first and only vice-presidential debate of this election season was held tonight, and it was pretty much the same as the debate I had with my wife about painting the foyer. “Do we want eggshell or ivory?” –Seth Meyers

Eric Trump today defended his father’s recent 3 a.m. Twitter rant about former Miss Universe Alicia Machado, telling reporters, “At least my father is up at 3 o’clock in the morning.” Why do you think that’s a good thing? You know who’s up that early? People who are wondering where they went wrong with their son. –Seth Meyers

The New York Times revealed today that Tim Kaine travels with six harmonicas in his briefcase. He carries so many because they’re constantly getting slapped out of his hands. –Seth Meyers

It’s all part of Bill Clinton's nationwide "Not Helping" tour

Tonight is the debate between vice-presidential candidates Tim Kaine and Mike Pence. They’re going to debate the economy, foreign policy, and which one of them is Tim Kaine and which one is Mike Pence. –Conan O’Brien

During the final push of the election, Bill Clinton criticized Obamacare in a speech and said it’s "the craziest thing in the world." It’s all part of Bill’s nationwide "Not Helping" tour. –Conan O’Brien

It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s tax returns were leaked by one of Trump’s ex-wives. In other words, it could be anybody. –Conan O’Brien

Experts expect a record number of people not to watch it (funnel it through Trump)

Donald Trump’s charity, the Trump Foundation, is no longer allowed to accept donations in New York. This is really bad news for anyone who thought, "I’d like to make sure my money gets to the people who really need it; I know, I’ll funnel it through Donald Trump." –Conan O’Brien

Supporters of Donald Trump are saying the fact that he lost a billion dollars and then didn’t pay income taxes for 18 years means he is a "genius." They also say three marriages makes him a "feminist," so it kind of works out. –Conan O’Brien

Tomorrow night is the vice-presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine. Experts expect a record number of people not to watch it. –Conan O’Brien

Tim Kaine is now leading Hillary Clinton by 3 percent (That wasn't me)

Bill Clinton said he watched all six Police Academy movies with his daughter Chelsea, which got awkward when Chelsea was like, “That wasn't me.” –James Corden

It was a historic night. We're either going to have our first female president, or the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image. –Jimmy Kimmel

Hillary’s choice for running mate, Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine, gave a speech last night where he revealed that not only does he habla español, he can do a Donald Trump impression. He did such a convincing job that Tim Kaine is now leading Hillary Clinton by 3 percent. –Jimmy Kimmel

Interesting question, thanks for asking. I will say, a lot of people think so

After the Republican Convention last week, the DNC was supposed to be the boring one. It was quite the opposite. Every time Hillary Clinton's name was mentioned there were boos from Bernie Sanders fans. Even Bernie had to ask his supporters to calm down. After a year of telling them not to calm down. It's like Chef Boyardee telling people to take it easy on the ravioli. –Jimmy Kimmel

Hillary Clinton introduced her new running mate Senator Tim Kaine at an event in Miami this weekend. She found Kaine while searching a stock photo database for “white businessman.” –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump will be holding a Q and A session on the online message board Reddit during the Democratic Convention this week — though Trump’s Q and A will be unique in that he will both ask and answer the questions. “Am I the most handsome candidate in history? Interesting question, thanks for asking. I will say, a lot of people think so.” –Seth Meyers

Tyrannosaurus rex (anyone from the cast of Entourage)

Hillary Clinton’s shortlist for running mate includes Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Sen. Tim Kaine, and HUD Secretary Julian Castro. Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s shortlist includes "anyone from the cast of 'Entourage.'" –Conan O’Brien

Some private companies are now taking over the reporting of local news. I read all about it in this week’s issue of US News & Zesty Cool Ranch Doritos. –Conan O’Brien

Scientists now think the Tyrannosaurus rex immigrated to North America from Asia. So now scientists think the T. rex was wiped out by its parents' crushing academic demands. –Conan O’Brien