It's the first time Trump has met with a woman this often, and not paid her $130,000 (he knows all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody)

Before he met Putin, Trump was in the U.K., where he met Queen Elizabeth. It got off to a bumpy start when the first thing Trump told the queen was that he knows all the words to “Bohemian Rhapsody.” --Jimmy Fallon

Next week Trump is hosting German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the White House for the second time. This is so historic. It's the first time Trump has met with a woman this often, and not paid her $130,000. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm just going to assume that is some euphemism for solving the Middle East crisis (We deeply regret/Basic Needs of Americans)

"It's hard to say you're sorry, especially when you're infallible. But last weekend, Pope Benedict offered these words of apology. He's sorry that people felt bad. That's known in Vatican terminology as a 'me-a-kinda.' It's a time-honored tradition in the Catholic Church dating back to the Inquisition when Pope Innocent IV said, 'We deeply regret the fact that so many non-believers happen to be flammable'." --Jon Stewart

"It's been a very busy and somewhat disturbing day throughout the world. President Bush was overseas in Germany as events unfolded. Here is his press conference with Chancellor Angela Merkel in Germany where he wasted no time addressing the many troubling developments [on screen: Bush saying, 'I'm looking forward to the feast you're going to have tonight. I understand I may have the honor of slicing the pig']. He may have the honor of slicing the pig? I'm just going to assume that is some euphemism for solving the Middle East crisis." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You will never have to work a day in your life (they're complicit)

"The birth certificate of the royal baby lists her parents' occupations as being 'the prince and princess of the United Kingdom.' It says that under occupation, which I guess sounds better than 'unemployed.'" –Conan O'Brien

​​"Prince William's pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, 'Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says she is confident that fake news will not harm her chances in Germany’s election. In fact, Merkel is so confident she’s going to win, she’s not even going to campaign in Wisconsin. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't think you understood what I said (workers are already busy waxing the rainforest)

Today is National Teacher Appreciation Day. It’s a special day when we Americans show our gratitude to teachers in any form but money. –Conan O’Brien

Plans are underway to build an erotic theme park in Brazil called “ErotikaLand.” In fact, Brazilian workers are already busy waxing the rainforest. –Conan O’Brien

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says she is confident that fake news will not harm her chances in Germany’s election. In fact, Merkel is so confident she’s going to win, she’s not even going to campaign in Wisconsin. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Smash that like button (an unfortunate development)

Hillary Clinton also said that when Vladimir Putin heard Angela Merkel is scared of dogs, he brought one to a meeting with her. Which explains why at his next meeting with Donald Trump, Putin will bring a treadmill. --Jimmy Fallon

In an interview last week, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump's candidacy “an unfortunate development.” Incidentally, “an unfortunate development” is also what Trump says when his wives turn 40. –Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that Pope Francis will be streaming Easter Mass on YouTube. You know these are strange times when Easter Mass ends with ‘Be sure to like and subscribe. Smash that like button.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up (The loser keeps Hasselhoff)

"The CEO of BP Tony Hayward didn't take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He's great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up." –Craig Ferguson

Huge white flags were placed on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. And late this afternoon, word came from the FBI that the New York Mets have surrendered.—Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now I believe Linda has some announcements about Sunday's potluck dinner (Yes, I believe today's contraction took out a city block)

"But as some see mayhem and chaos in the violence, Condoleezza Rice sees chaos and makes 'mayhemade' [on screen: Rice saying, 'What we're seeing here, in a sense, is the growing birth pangs of a new Middle East']. Birth pangs? Yes, I believe today's contraction took out a city block." --Jon Stewart

 

"It's been a very busy and somewhat disturbing day throughout the world. President Bush was overseas in Germany as events unfolded. Here is his press conference with Chancellor Angela Merkel in Germany where he wasted no time addressing the many troubling developments [on screen: Bush saying, 'I'm looking forward to the feast you're going to have tonight. I understand I may have the honor of slicing the pig']. He may have the honor of slicing the pig? I'm just going to assume that is some euphemism for solving the Middle East crisis" --Jon Stewart

"Moving on. Throughout Barack Obama's startling run for the presidency, there has always been undercurrent to his candidacy, a whisper, if you will, that he was not of this nation. A foreign name. Perhaps a Muslim background. But recent events have clarified Obama's standing. The good news? He's a Christian, a committed member of Chicago's Trinity United Church of Christ. The bad news? This is his pastor [on screen: footage of Rev. Jeremiah Wright saying, 'The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then walks up to sing 'God Bless America.' No, no, no, not God bless America. Goddamn America']. All right. Well, thank you, pastor. Now I believe Linda has some announcements about Sunday's potluck dinner." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The cookbook teaches you how to make a soufflé that falls then re-inflates at halftime (this is their black magic)

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is coming out with a cookbook. The cookbook teaches you how to make a soufflé that falls then re-inflates at halftime. –Conan O’Brien

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says she is confident that fake news will not harm her chances in Germany’s election. In fact, Merkel is so confident she’s going to win, she’s not even going to campaign in Wisconsin. –Conan O’Brien

It was announced today that Kelly Ripa’s new co-host will be Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest was relieved, and said those 20 minutes he wasn’t on television were the scariest of his life. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He says he can't wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale (It's all fake news buddy!)

I saw that earlier today, Bill O’Reilly actually met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. And when he saw O’Reilly go into confession, the next guy in line said, “You know what? I’ll come back tomorrow.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday President Obama traveled to Jamaica, where he will meet with students and Caribbean leaders. Jamaica's such a beautiful place, Obama says he can't wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale." –Jimmy Fallon

Next week Donald Trump is hosting German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the White House for the second time. This is so historic. It's the first time Trump has met with a woman this often, and not paid her $130,000. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When asked why, he was like, 'Because he'd make me look AMAZING.' (do it for the troops)

July 2014

"President Obama was giving an interview recently, and get this, he said he thought that Joe Biden would be a good president. When asked why, he was like, 'Because he'd make me look AMAZING.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"Edward Snowden is back with yet another spying scandal. In a new interview, Snowden revealed that NSA employees regularly pass around nude pictures of people they spy on. It got even weirder when German Chancellor Angela Merkel said, 'So, vat do you think?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is back in the news. He says the military at the NSA often shared nude photos that Americans had emailed to one another. So if your girlfriend won't send you naked pictures, just tell her, do it for the troops." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When asked how much time they needed, they said, '10, 9, 8...' (Look, we'll stop spying if we can borrow your soccer team)

July 2014

"President Obama called German Chancellor Angela Merkel yesterday to talk about improving relations with our country after this latest spying scandal. Obama made her a pretty good offer. He said, 'Look, we'll stop spying if we can borrow your soccer team.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Speaking of Obama, yesterday Congressman Raul Labrador said that impeaching President Obama isn't a good idea, because, quote, 'no one wants President Joe Biden.' And that's when Biden realized why Obama picked him as a running mate." –Jimmy Fallon

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is in Iowa campaigning at a big cookout because this is what you do if you want to be president. He's out there all day telling people the hotdog line is closed for a traffic study." –David Letterman

"Yesterday, Iran asked the U.S. for an extension on disabling their nuclear program. When asked how much time they needed, they said, '10, 9, 8...'" –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They haven't been this excited since Oktoberfest included an all-you-can-eat wiener buffet ($30,000 a day)

July 2014

"Germany is your World Cup champions, ladies and gentlemen. The winning German soccer team received a congratulatory phone call from Angela Merkel. Of course we know this because we're still bugging her phone." –David Letterman

"Congratulations, my German friends. They are World Cup champions. People in Germany were going nuts, firing guns into the air, marching up and down the streets. Then they heard about the World Cup win." –Craig Ferguson 

"Germans haven't been this excited since the release of the last David Hasselhoff album. They haven't been this excited since Oktoberfest included an all-you-can-eat wiener buffet." –Craig Ferguson

"People in Germany went bonkers. Rumor has it that up to half a dozen Germans actually cracked a smile." –Craig Ferguson

"Well, it was an amazing weekend in sports. LeBron James went back to being a Cavalier, Carmelo Anthony, went back to being a Knick, and soccer went back to being a thing you drive your kids to." –Seth Meyers

"Germany defeated Argentina 1-0 to win the World Cup. German fans went absolutely crazy from 9:00 until 9:15." –Seth Meyers 

"Brazil's coach resigned following the country's historic 7-1 loss in the World Cup last week. He says he wants to spend more time focusing on not being murdered." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty (all the pages are blank)

July 2014

"At the World Cup, Germany defeated Brazil 7-1. Germany really mauled Brazil. In fact, Angela Merkel scored two goals." –David Letterman 

"Germany took care of Brazil. Now it's on to Poland, Austria, and Czechoslovakia." —David Letterman

"Yesterday, Brazil lost to Germany in the World Cup semifinals by a score of 7 to 1. People in Brazil were so upset that they partied only until 3 in the morning." –Seth Meyers 

"According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If Marie Antoinette came back as a man (Toke-lahoma)

June 2014

"Today was the start of the World Cup. It's that special time of the year when Americans in bars shrug, 'Well, I guess we're watching this now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson

"Pope Francis has pledged to remain neutral during the World Cup. When asked why, the Pope said, 'I picked the Miami Heat and look how that turned out.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some Northern California counties want to form a separate state. They smoke a lot of weed up there. What would you call a state based on marijuana? Toke-lahoma. Flori-duh. How about Spliffs-consin? Dela-weed. New Hemp-shire." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately, it's the same book President Bush used for Katrina (The loser keeps Hasselhoff)

"I'm sorry the show is on later than usual. It was delayed by the president's speech about the gulf oil spill. Obama has been criticized for not doing enough. To be fair, he's been using every strategy in the book. Unfortunately, it's the same book President Bush used for Katrina." –Craig Ferguson

"Donald Duck and Donald Trump are very different of course. One’s a noisy cartoon character with a feathery a** and the other one’s Donald Duck." –Craig Ferguson

"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off (he said, and they, they, they, they and they said)

"For someone who's so into praying, [George W. Bush] really sucks at it. God never listens to him. So the president happened to miss one warning [about Katrina breaches]. Not a big deal. Unfortunately, by the next night, the Homeland Security Operations Center continued to report that no levees had been breached, despite having received at least 16 reports to the contrary. It's really just a simple case of he said, and they, they, they, they and they said." --Jon Stewart

"The chancellor of Germany disengaged herself from President Bush using a move she learned in date rape prevention class. If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off." --Jon Stewart, on Bush groping German Chancellor Angela Merkel

"Now, this story of the vice president shooting someone in the face certainly has its humorous aspects. But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. Moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- it's just not worth it." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hello, I am what is known as a black guy (Two More Months and It Ain't My Problem)

 

"Experts say -- this is interesting -- that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to." --Conan O'Brien

 

"Earlier tonight, President Bush gave a speech about the Wall Street financial crisis. The title of Bush's speech was 'Two More Months and It Ain't My Problem.'" --Conan O'Brien

"At a joint press conference with President Bush, German Chancellor Angela Merkel called for a 'de-escalation of Mid-East violence.' Later, Bush called for both sides to 'de-angrify' and 'dehurt' each other." -Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Barack Obama, earlier this week in Colorado, Barack Obama gave a speech in the middle of a rodeo ring. Yeah. Obama began his speech in the rodeo by saying, 'Hello, I am what is known as a black guy.''" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why are we still running the country like one of his businesses? (she never once appeared on Jeffrey Epstein’s flight logs)

December 2021

“Congress is trying to avoid a government shutdown due to finance issues. I don’t understand this. Donald Trump isn’t president any more – why are we still running the country like one of his businesses?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“German chancellor Angela Merkel, has been underestimated by everybody. Before she rose to power, she was often the butt of jokes because of her appearance and supposed fragility, which must sting because Germans only make one joke a year, and they saved it for her. But she proved everyone wrong, and if there’s one thing we’ve learned from movies it’s that you should never underestimate the shy, mousy woman: She’s All That, The Devil Wears Prada, The Blair Witch Project. Male leaders have disrespected Merkel, from Putin to Trump. The way these leaders treated her is embarrassing. It’s a tough situation to sort as there’s no HR for world leaders. Luckily as a German, Merkel wasn’t fazed by the sausage-fest. She kept things stable, she stood up for democracy and she never once appeared on Jeffrey Epstein’s flight logs.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We need to reallocate our nerds (Could you start early?)

October 2013

"Today President Obama was in so much trouble he called Hillary Clinton and he said, 'Could you start early?'" –David Letterman

"Over the weekend it came out that the U.S. has been listening in on German Chancellor Angela Merkel's cellphone since 2002. At this point, I feel like the only world leader our government DOESN'T listen to is President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. has been spying on German Chancellor Angela Merkel for more than 10 years. Merkel actually called Obama to say that eavesdropping on allies 'is not acceptable.' Then Obama said, 'Yeah, well that's not what you said to England.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"There are new reports that the NSA has been monitoring communications of 35 leaders. Germany's Angela Merkel is one of our closest allies and she is not happy about this. She called President Obama to give him an earful — and it takes a lot to get those ears full." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"If the NSA agents are like most men they were probably only pretending to listen to what she was saying anyway." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They ought to take all of the guys who are so good at hacking into phone calls and put them to work fixing HealthCare.gov. We need to reallocate our nerds." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”