It's kind of like giving President Bush the SAT test. What's the point? (black magic)

"President Bush's number one speechwriter, a man named Michael Gerson, resigned yesterday after seven years of writing speeches for the president. It's already having an effect on Mr. Bush. After turning in his resignation, Bush wished him 'the goodest of luck.'" --Jay Leno

"A lot of people are very upset that Congressman Patrick Kennedy was not given a blood alcohol test after his car accident last week. I understand why they didn't do it. It's kind of like giving President Bush the SAT test. What's the point?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In Washington, that's known as a 'bribecycle.' (Which one of us are you talking to?)

 

"While he was in Saudi Arabia this week, President Bush met with the Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. See, President Bush is not good in these social situations, like he kept asking the prince about his sister, Paula Abdullah." --Jay Leno

"Patrick Kennedy blamed his seemingly intoxicated state after the car crash on his sleeping medication. I believe it's called Jagermeister." --Jay Leno

"Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson was videotaped accepting a $100,000 bribe. He said he will not resign even though the FBI agents found 90,000 of it in his freezer. In Washington, that's known as a 'bribecycle.'" --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush met with the president of China at the White House. The arrival ceremony was interrupted by a protester who started yelling, 'Stop the persecution, stop the torture!' President Bush had to ask, 'Which one of us are you talking to?'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And today Bill Clinton said, "Good answer, good answer." (You know what that means? We're all going to jail.)

 

"Today Warren Buffett announced he's giving away his multi-billion dollar fortune to charity rather than leaving it to his kids. He said he doesn't believe someone's son should inherit his father's position in society. Today President Bush had him put under surveillance." --Jay Leno

 

"The Bush administration is asking Google to turn over all its records in a porn investigation. They want to know who has been using Google to look up pornography. You know what that means? We're all going to jail." --Jay Leno

"As I'm sure you know by now, Patrick Kennedy blamed this whole incident on a sleep medication he was taking. That's what he said, he said he couldn't remember getting out of bed in the middle of the night and leaving his home. And today Bill Clinton said, "Good answer, good answer." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said again today that the fundamentals of our economy are still sound. The fundamentals of our economy are still sound. To which O.J. Simpson said, 'Hey, is it too late to get him on the jury?'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you (Four score and seven ratselttab)

Of course, the internet lost their covfefe over this. Why did the president type that? It was the new “What color is the dress?” But instead of “white versus blue,” it was “sleepy versus stroke.” –Stephen Colbert

I know this happened five days ago, but I will not be denied the chance to enjoy Trump’s tweet from just after midnight last Wednesday: “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” OK. Strong statement. Bold. Presidential. Reminds of the first draft of the Gettysburg address: “Four score and seven ratselttab.” –Stephen Colbert

"Something happened last night, I was down in Washington, D.C., love it down there, can't get enough of that city. Anyway, I was out with my buddy, Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island, and we were driving home, and I suggested we play a game of I Spy a Concrete Barricade. Patrick is a fierce competitor and, well, he won." --Stephen Colbert

The White House announced today that they’re kicking off “Infrastructure Week.” It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I Spy a Concrete Barricade (Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work)

"For someone who's so into praying, [George W. Bush] really sucks at it. God never listens to him. So the president happened to miss one warning [about Katrina breaches]. Not a big deal. Unfortunately, by the next night, the Homeland Security Operations Center continued to report that no levees had been breached, despite having received at least 16 reports to the contrary. It's really just a simple case of he said, and they, they, they, they and they said." --Jon Stewart

"Something happened last night, I was down in Washington, D.C., love it down there, can't get enough of that city. Anyway, I was out with my buddy, Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island, and we were driving home, and I suggested we play a game of I Spy a Concrete Barricade. Patrick is a fierce competitor and, well, he won." --Stephen Colbert

"Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It's a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I Spy a Concrete Barricade (not-so-safe house)

"According to the military, they got al-Zarqawi while he was hiding in his safe house. As a result, it's been renamed the 'not-so-safe house.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Something happened last night, I was down in Washington, D.C., love it down there, can't get enough of that city. Anyway, I was out with my buddy, Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island, and we were driving home, and I suggested we play a game of I Spy a Concrete Barricade. Patrick is a fierce competitor and, well, he won." --Stephen Colbert

"Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It's a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work." --David Letterman

"New York is on a heightened state of alert. They say New Yorkers should be aware of suspicious activity. I'm thinking, 'Hell, that's our number one industry.'" --David Letterman

Freedom From Want-Wall Street Style (lesbian independence for all)

"In a speech yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announce that he 'supports lessening our dependence on foreign oil.' Unfortunately, it came out sounding more like, 'I support lesbian independence for all.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the military, they got al-Zarqawi while he was hiding in his safe house. As a result, it's been renamed the 'not-so-safe house.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Something happened last night, I was down in Washington, D.C., love it down there, can't get enough of that city. Anyway, I was out with my buddy, Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island, and we were driving home, and I suggested we play a game of I Spy a Concrete Barricade. Patrick is a fierce competitor and, well, he won." --Stephen Colbert

Wardrobe malfunction?! I've never seen a better dressed president (I Spy a Concrete Barricade)

"Patrick Kennedy crashed his car but got out of a breathalyzer test by claiming he was on his way to the Capitol to vote. Apparently Kennedy was going to vote on whether Miller Lite was less filling or tastes great." --Conan O'Brien

"Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright called North Korea's leader Kim Jung Il  a pervert. In response, Kim Jung Il said 'I dare her to put on a leather mask and say that to my ass.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Something happened last night, I was down in Washington, D.C., love it down there, can't get enough of that city. Anyway, I was out with my buddy, Rep. Patrick Kennedy of Rhode Island, and we were driving home, and I suggested we play a game of I Spy a Concrete Barricade. Patrick is a fierce competitor and, well, he won." --Stephen Colbert

I believe it's called Jagermeister (Rumsfeld family reunion)

"Patrick Kennedy blamed his seemingly intoxicated state after the car crash on his sleeping medication. I believe it's called Jagermeister." --Jay Leno

"NBC News reported that CIA Director Porter Goss did not resign. They now say he was fired, and apparently didn't know it was coming. Which is pretty bad, when you're the head of the CIA and you didn't know what's coming. He should get fired just for that." --Jay Leno

"While speaking in Atlanta on Thursday, Defense Secretary  Donald Rumsfeld was repeatedly interrupted by angry protesters, with one woman shouting, 'This man needs to be imprisoned for war crimes.' What makes it worse is that he was speaking at a Rumsfeld family reunion." --Tina Fey

And today Bill Clinton said, "Good answer, good answer." (I'd like to see Tiger Woods do This!)

"Russia still very upset about recent comments Dick Cheney made about that country. But, I am sure the vice president thought out his words very carefully. Cheney, he's not the kind of guy to shoot from the hip." --Jay Leno

"As I'm sure you know by know, Patrick Kennedy blamed this whole incident on a sleep medication he was taking. That's what he said, he said he couldn't remember getting out of bed in the middle of the night and leaving his home. And today Bill Clinton said, "Good answer, good answer." --Jay Leno

"The most dangerous movie of the summer, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' starring Al Gore as, surprise, a fear-monger. Now, I've firmly established that I love truth in all its forms: God's-honest truth, cold, hard truth, even the awful truth. But, as it turns out, I'm not so crazy about inconvenient truth. Not convenient enough for me." --Stephen Colbert

It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway, it runs on alcohol

"With these gas prices, I got smart. I'm driving the new Patrick Kennedy hybrid car. It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway, it runs on alcohol." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people are very upset that Congressman Patrick Kennedy was not given a blood alcohol test after his car accident last week. I understand why they didn't do it. It's kind of like giving President Bush the SAT test. What's the point?" --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran has written a letter to President Bush. This Iranian president is very smart. To make sure Bush read the letter, he wrote it on Exxon stationary." --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran sent George Bush an 18-page letter. 18 pages? Yeah, like he's going to read that." --David Letterman

It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway, it runs on alcohol

"With these gas prices, I got smart. I'm driving the new Patrick Kennedy hybrid car. It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway, it runs on alcohol." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people are very upset that Congressman Patrick Kennedy was not given a blood alcohol test after his car accident last week. I understand why they didn't do it. It's kind of like giving President Bush the SAT test. What's the point?" --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran has written a letter to President Bush. This Iranian president is very smart. To make sure Bush read the letter, he wrote it on Exxon stationary." --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran sent George Bush an 18-page letter. 18 pages? Yeah, like he's going to read that." --David Letterman

It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway, it runs on alcohol

"With these gas prices, I got smart. I'm driving the new Patrick Kennedy hybrid car. It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway, it runs on alcohol." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people are very upset that Congressman Patrick Kennedy was not given a blood alcohol test after his car accident last week. I understand why they didn't do it. It's kind of like giving President Bush the SAT test. What's the point?" --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran has written a letter to President Bush. This Iranian president is very smart. To make sure Bush read the letter, he wrote it on Exxon stationary." --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran sent George Bush an 18-page letter. 18 pages? Yeah, like he's going to read that." --David Letterman

That's what terrorism and gay people are for (remind me why I thought this was a good idea)

"Talk about an ordeal. Yesterday Senator Ted Kennedy was on an aircraft up here in the northeast and it was hit by lightning. They landed, luckily no one was hurt. But then he had to ride home from the airport with his son Patrick." --David Letterman

George W. Bush, “America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone. We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears.

Jon Stewart,  "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."

"6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work [on screen: a photo of Pres. Bush from his National Guard days.]" --Jon Stewart

And now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting the f**k out of here (boomerang)

"The president was in Baghdad for five hours. The first fifteen minutes were spent with the new prime minister, then a quick power nap to sleep off jet lag. That took two hours. Quick chat with the troops, judged a local humus cook-off and then with an international flight, you kind of want to get to the airport two hours ahead. You got the check-in, security, duty free shopping. He picked up a bottle of perfume for Laura -- Ahmed Chalabi's 'Desperation.' It's an intoxicating blend of Sunni and Shiite aroma -- smells awful. Just his being there for five hours makes a statement. It told the Iraqi people, 'I'm with you. I stand behind you. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting the f**k out of here.'" --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"President Bush was in Austria yesterday. You know, I think he's confused. He's not good on geography. On his way to Austria, he told Dick Cheney he'd bring him back a boomerang." --Jay Leno

"Congressman Patrick Kennedy left rehab and returned to Rhode Island. Unfortunately, on his way back he hit Massachusetts, Connecticut and New Hampshire." --Conan O'Brien

  

"We are very proud here in California. Highest gas prices in the nation are in San Diego at an average of $3.40 a gallon. This is especially tough on illegal immigrants. Do you know how hard it is to hide in the trunk of a hybrid car?" --Jay Leno

his car was wrapped around concrete (concrete evidence)

"Representative Patrick Kennedy has agreed to plead guilty to driving under the influence of prescription drugs. There's not much you can do really. They have plenty of concrete evidence, like the fact his car was wrapped around concrete." --Jay Leno 

"Last night during his live speech, President Bush spoke directly to Osama bin Laden and said, 'No matter how long it takes, America will find you.' Then the president uncovered his eyes and said, 'Ready or not, here I come.'." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush, of course, is responding to the crisis. He's on vacation. That's his plan. He'll show them President Bush is on vacation in Texas right now. This is true. He's urging his staff to join the 100-degree club by running three miles in 100-degree heat. Experts say it's proof that the president can come up with a bad idea at any level." --Conan O'Brien

I'm sorry, that's Bill and Hillary's deal/tasseled loafer/gay border security

"Speaking of doing stupid things, guess who we elected president? President Bush. He's been hard at work trying to make it illegal for gay people to get married lately. It's a suspicious move for an ex-male cheerleader I have to say. He's got this bill that will define marriage between one man and one woman and possibly one other woman they meet in a hotel bar on a business trip. The president is also focused now on border security, especially gay border security." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Congressman Patrick Kennedy left rehab and returned to Rhode Island. Unfortunately, on his way back he hit Massachusetts, Connecticut and New Hampshire." --Conan O'Brien

"According to Life and Style Weekly, Britney Spears's marriage to Kevin Federline has basically turned into a business deal. They said he pretends to be a good husband and not embarrass her in public and then he can go out on weekends and do whatever he wants. I'm sorry, that's Bill and Hillary's deal."  --Jay Leno

like the fact his car was wrapped around concrete (Excellent plan, sir.)

"Prosecutors announced yesterday that Karl Rove will not be charged with any crimes. The White House was pretty relieved. President Bush told  Dick Cheney, 'You can cancel that hunting trip with Karl Rove.'" --Jay Leno

"Congressional investigators say that FEMA was conned out of $1.4 billion in bogus claims including people paying for season football tickets, tropical vacations, golf outings. I'm sorry, that was  Tom DeLay." --Jay Leno

"Representative Patrick Kennedy has agreed to plead guilty to driving under the influence of prescription drugs. There's not much you can do really. They have plenty of concrete evidence, like the fact his car was wrapped around concrete." --Jay Leno

Congressional pay raise (Why not? Job well done.)

"Congress is outraged by these bogus claims. Congress said, 'If people want to break the law and steal taxpayer money, hey, get elected to Congress like everybody else.'"  --Jay Leno

"Speaking of Congress, the other day -- very quietly -- they voted themselves a $3,300 pay raise. Why not? Job well done. A lot of added expenses this year: legal fees, criminal defense lawyers."  --Jay Leno

"Today in Iraq, the new prime minister instituted a ban on guns. Hey, good luck with that." --Jay Leno

"What's the difference between  al-Zarqawi and Patrick Kennedy? Patrick Kennedy will get bombed again." --Jay Leno

Why don't we quietly sneak out of Iraq? (cookie jar)

"Good news from President Bush. At a press conference yesterday, he was upbeat, he was cheerful, he was optimistic. Yeah, that's right. He's drinking again. They say he's having a pretty good week and you got to give him credit because, earlier in the week, President Bush quietly sneaked into Iraq. Here's an idea: Why don't we quietly sneak out of Iraq?" --David Letterman

"I thought this was interesting if you look at it comparatively. President Bush sneaked quietly into Baghdad and nobody knew about it. Bill Clinton, on the other hand, sneaks into an intern and everybody knows about it." --David Letterman

"What a beautiful day it is here. It was so beautiful that earlier today down in Washington D.C.  Patrick Kennedy walked into a concrete barrier." --David Letterman