Trust me – it was hard enough rigging ‘The Bachelorette.’ (Wait, maybe I wrote it!)

After losing all 16 of their games last season, the Cleveland Browns' first game of the year ended in a tie. Yep, the Cleveland Browns: Even when they don't lose, they don't win. --Jimmy Fallon

Vladimir Putin told Bloomberg Businessweek that Russia never interfered with the U.S. election and doesn't plan to. Putin was like, “Trust me – it was hard enough rigging ‘The Bachelorette.’” –Jimmy Fallon

This weekend Kellyanne Conway said the author of the op-ed wants to "create chaos" and is a "national security risk." Then Trump was like, "Wait, maybe I wrote it!" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is what solidarity looks like (Look it up yourself, [bleep])

Today for International Women’s Day, women across the country protested by refusing to work. That’s a true story. That’s what happened today. In fact, earlier today Siri told me, “Look it up yourself, [bleep].” And then slapped me. –Conan O’Brien

ABC announced that "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" will now feature a more diverse cast. They’re going to add a contestant who has read a book. –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Joe Biden won three states he didn’t even visit. That’s true, yeah. That explains Biden’s new campaign slogan: ‘Vote for me or I’ll come talk to you.’” — Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trust me – it was hard enough rigging The Bachelorette (40 tons)

Ivanka Trump said that she doesn’t speak out against her dad publicly because “when you’re part of a team, you’re part of a team.” I think what she meant to say is “when you’re part of a will, you’re part of a will.” –Jimmy Fallon

Vladimir Putin told Bloomberg Business Week that Russia never interfered with the U.S. election and doesn't plan too. Putin was like, “Trust me – it was hard enough rigging ‘The Bachelorette.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump announced a new plan to fund the government for the next three months. That’s right, Trump’s going to pay his taxes. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even the guys on “The Bachelorette” were like, “GROSS!" (Oh my God. What's labor?)

Last night, Donald Trump and Mike Pence actually sat down for a joint interview on “60 Minutes." And Pence said that if he has differences with Trump, he would, quote, “walk into the president's office, close the door, and share my heart." Even the guys on “The Bachelorette” were like, “GROSS!" –Jimmy Fallon

"Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, 'Oh my God. What's labor?'" –Jimmy Fallon

The Republican National Convention started today and Donald Trump spent the past several days preparing his acceptance speech, while Chris Christie spent the past two weeks blowing up balloons. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately, hell came to us (potted organ meat, battered fish and room-temperature beer)

July 2022

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but it is hot. It is hot! Not just here in the U.S., but there are record-high temperatures all across the world. Seriously, it’s so hot, people on TikTok were slapping each other with tortillas just for the breeze.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It’s so hot right now, the fantasy suite on ‘The Bachelorette’ is just the back of an ice cream truck.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It is so hot, people are ordering Chipotle just so the E. coli can give them the chills.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The heat’s hitting the Brits extra hard, because the Brits aren’t used to extreme weather, and the houses over there — especially older ones — were built to retain warmth. Now luckily, Brits can keep cool with their light and refreshing cuisine of potted organ meat, battered fish and room-temperature beer.” —Stephen Colbert

“The US is also experiencing an extreme heatwave, as nearly 20% of the population will likely see a temperature at or above 100 degrees this week. Remember when you wished that everybody who denied climate change would go to hell? Unfortunately, hell came to us.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes. (Favorite nursery rhyme?)

On Saturday, pro-Trump rallies around the country were attended by hundreds. Or as Trump put it, "trillions." –Conan O’Brien

ABC announced that "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" will now feature a more diverse cast. They’re going to add a contestant who has read a book. –Conan O’Brien

At the White House today, President Trump gave advice to a group of schoolchildren and he told them to “work hard.” Trump also told them, “If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes.” –Conan O’Brien

The president of China basically declared himself president for life. In a related story, President Trump was declared president for "what seems like a lifetime." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Could you call your congressman? I can’t talk to these people (world’s saddest tangerine)

July 2011

"Scientists say DNA shows humans used to have sex with Neanderthals. Scientists don’t call them cave men because they often lived other places. We’ve spent a lot of time looking for them in caves when they were actually living in million-dollar compounds in Pakistan." –Craig Ferguson

“Did the president just quit? Seriously, you’re the president. You’re asking us to call Congress? I actually feel bad for the president. He interrupted 'The Bachelorette' to be like, 'Could you call your congressman? I can’t talk to these people.'" –Jon Stewart

"The world’s saddest tangerine." –Jon Stewart on John Boehner

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump 2020: I’m too pretty for jail! (You lost too. It just hasn't hit you yet)

Stephen Colbert as Robert Mueller: “And since I cannot talk about anything the public is interested in, I also will not be addressing the behavior of Luke P. on ‘The Bachelorette,’ the new collaboration between Jay-Z and Meek Mill, and I defer any questions about Jane as Thor to Nick Fury and my colleagues at S.H.I.E.L.D.” --Stephen Colbert

“Well, I think Trump has a new campaign slogan: ‘Trump 2020: I’m too pretty for jail!’” --Stephen Colbert

“I’m not sure the guy polling below 1 percent should be talking about math right now.” --Stephen Colbert, on Delaney debating Sanders on health care

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hey Girl, I hear you like Revolutions (billboards?)

President Trump today sent a letter to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, canceling their upcoming meeting. So let me just get this straight, you sent a dictator a letter, but used Twitter to fire most of your staff? How did you break up with your wives — billboards? --Seth Meyers

In an interview on “Fox & Friends,” President Trump said that NFL players who kneel for the anthem “shouldn’t be playing.” “Um, actually no one should be,” said doctors. --Seth Meyers

The new season of “The Bachelorette” begins on Monday. Where the bachelorette must choose between 28 strains of HPV. --Seth Meyers

The Human Rights Campaign this weekend projected messages on the Department of Education headquarters asking Secretary Betsy DeVos how she sleeps at night. Said DeVos, “Same as everyone! Hold my breath till I pass out!” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JOKES: Nyet! I mean, no! (Dubya's Disaster or Cheney's Catastrophe)

The big story is that last night, The New York Times published a bombshell report that President Trump’s campaign was in contact with Russian intelligence since 2015. When asked if it was true, Trump said, “Nyet! I mean, no!” –Jimmy Fallon

ABC just announced that Rachel Lindsay, a 31-year-old attorney, will be the first African-American to star as “The Bachelorette.” Even more impressive, she’s the first bachelorette with a real job! –Jimmy Fallon

Singer Elle King just revealed that she ate a bunch of pot muffins before the Grammys this year. Yeah, people noticed that she seemed high when she went up to make her acceptance speech — you know, ’cuz she didn’t win any awards. –Jimmy Fallon

A new report finds that over 55,000 bridges in the U.S. were found to have major structural problems last year. When asked how they’re going to fix them, the government was like, “Eh, we’ll cross that gaping hole when we get to it.” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Trust me, it was hard enough rigging The Bachelorette (two horny dudes)

Vladimir Putin told Bloomberg Businessweek that Russia never interfered with the U.S. election and doesn't plan to. Putin was like, “Trust me – it was hard enough rigging ‘The Bachelorette.’” –Jimmy Fallon

Last night North Korea conducted what they claim was a successful test of their biggest nuclear warhead yet. So congrats to them. I'm glad they're finally figuring that out. Will someone please tell Kim Jong Un they like his new glasses and he looks like he lost weight so he doesn't kill everybody on the West Coast? –Jimmy Kimmel

I don't know if you saw this but some interesting photos of Donald Trump were released today from the year 2000. There he is at the U.S. Open with his then-girlfriend Melania, former President Bill Clinton and a lady in a Playboy Bunny shirt. How perfect is this photograph? Look at those two bitter enemies sizing each other up. It looks like the first three minutes of a “Girls Gone Wild” video. It represents the United States at its peak. Before 9/11, before ISIS, before "Celebrity Apprentice" — just two horny dudes yukking it up with a couple of swimsuit models. –Jimmy Kimmel

the largest “break glass in case of emergency” ever (Jo Jo Cuts It Down)

History has been made. After months of anticipation, Jo Jo has cut it down to just two remaining bachelors. These are exciting times. Oh, and also, Hillary Clinton received the Democratic nomination. –James Corden

Hillary Clinton broke the glass ceiling, and just in case that point was lost on you, with Trump so close to the presidency, Hillary just became the largest “break glass in case of emergency” ever. –James Corden

Donald Trump vowed that when he is president he will replace the broken glass ceiling with a reinforced titanium steel ceiling and that women are going to pay for it. –James Corden

Who would be better at creating peace between Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift?

The Republican National Convention started today — and we’re now just a week away from the Democratic Convention. Both have an important case to make: Who would be better at creating peace between Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift? –Jimmy Fallon

The Republican National Convention started today and Donald Trump spent the past several days preparing his acceptance speech, while Chris Christie spent the past two weeks blowing up balloons. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Trump and Mike Pence actually sat down for a joint interview on “60 Minutes." And Pence said that if he has differences with Donald Trump, he would, quote, “walk into the president's office, close the door, and share my heart." Even the guys on “The Bachelorette” were like, “GROSS!" –Jimmy Fallon

Trump stole a bunch of towels from his own hotel (The Bachelorette)

A new Election Commission report just came out saying that the Trump campaign isn't doing so well financially, and is practically broke. It's not good — in fact today, Trump stole a bunch of towels from his own hotel. –Jimmy Fallon

The report revealed that Donald Trump's campaign started this month with only $1.3 million, which is almost $8 million less than Bernie Sanders’ campaign. Even Bernie was like, “How does it feel to be poor, you LOSER!” –Jimmy Fallon

President Obama will be attending the Global Entrepreneurship Summit in California. The only place to see more people describing themselves as “entrepreneurs” is on “The Bachelorette.” –Jimmy Fallon

I’m thrilled

Donald Trump said he’s "not happy" about being compared to Hitler. He said, "I’m thrilled." –Conan O’Brien

Sunday night was the series finale of "Downton Abbey." But don’t worry, if you still want to hear a bunch of rich white people talking like it’s the 1920s, tune in to the next Republican debate. –Conan O’Brien

ABC announced that the "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" will now feature a more diverse cast. They’re going to add a contestant who has read a book. –Conan O’Brien

I thought Brady didn't like things that are filled with too much air

Earlier tonight the second Republican debate took place here in California. With 10 men and only one woman, everyone thought they were watching “The Bachelorette.” –Conan O’Brien

In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What's going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out? –Conan O’Brien

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was president. Which is really weird because I thought Brady didn't like things that are filled with too much air. –Conan O’Brien

It came down to two men and I won her

A New York man was arrested Friday for driving an ice cream truck intoxicated wearing only underwear and yelling at children. So on the down side, he was arrested. But, on the up side, he is the Republican front-runner. –Seth Meyers

The season finale of "The Bachelorette" was last night. And Nick was the big winner because Kaitlyn chose Shawn. I'm not sure that's the best way to tell the story how you met your fiancée. "I won her on a game show, it came down to two men and I won her." –Seth Meyers

Officials first became suspicious in 1991.

A CNN poll has Trump with 18 percent, ahead of Jeb Bush in second place with 15 percent. This is how we do things now. We find our spouses on "The Bachelorette" and our presidents on "The Apprentice." –Jimmy Kimmel

Snoop Dogg was arrested and released in Sweden this weekend on suspicion of using illegal drugs. Officials first became suspicious in 1991. --Seth Meyers

It's going to be very funny until the White House is covered in gold paint

On ABC's season finale of "The Bachelorette" Nick's proposal fell on deaf ears when Kaitlyn chose Sean. All Nick got out of it was an awkward limo ride home. "I am the world's biggest joke." "That is not true. Not as long as Donald Trump is running for president." –Jimmy Kimmel

According to multiple new polls, Donald Trump is still leading the field of Republican candidates for president, which I have to say is all going to be very funny until the White House is covered in gold paint. –Jimmy Kimmel