Alien Invasion & Trapped Trump | The Tim Dillon Show #494

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”   

 

JOKES: How about we take you to Oprah? She’s nice, you’ll like her (it was awful)

This might not be the best time to make contact with aliens. They say, “Take us to your leader.” What do we do at that time? “Our leader’s a little busy on Twitter right now. How about we take you to Oprah? She’s nice, you’ll like her.” –Jimmy Kimmel

There were demonstrations across the country today to protest the president’s immigration policy. Immigrants were encouraged to skip work today for what they called “a day without immigrants,” or as Steve Bannon calls it, “a good start.” –Jimmy Kimmel

There were marches in Philadelphia and Austin, Washington. Here in L.A., with no immigrants — we have a lot of immigrants here in L.A. — people were forced to babysit their own children. Arnold Schwarzenegger had to impregnate a meter maid today. It was awful. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: the level of, like, a-woman-brushing-up-against-them-on-the-subway exciting

Earlier today, President Trump held a press conference where he insulted the media, criticized Hillary Clinton, and talked about a hypothetical nuclear holocaust. Even Sean Spicer was like, “You should not be talking to reporters.” –Jimmy Fallon

There is so much going on in the world right now. Not just in the world, there’s a lot going on in the universe. For those of you who are looking to get off the planet, astronomers at the Carnegie Institution discovered more than 100 potential planets that may be habitable, which means we’re one step closer to finding a planet with intelligent life. –Jimmy Kimmel

It’s exciting, especially for members of the scientific community — this is on the level of, like, a-woman-brushing-up-against-them-on-the-subway exciting. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Warm up the Virgins (caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael)

"It's about as low as you can go without getting caught in a Port-O-John with George Michael." --Jimmy Kimmel, on Bush's low approval rating

"I have to agree with Hillary on this. I liked Ann Coulter better when she was fighting Sigourney Weaver on those 'Alien' movies." –Jay Leno

  

"We finally got some good news yesterday from the war in Iraq. As you have probably heard, the Air Force exploded Iraq's head of al Qaeda, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. I was looking forward to seeing what the New York Post had to say about it. This is the actual cover of the newspaper. There you see the dead face of al-Zarqawi with the cartoon bubble saying, 'Warm up the Virgins.' Coincidentally, 'Warm up the Virgins' is also Arnold Schwarzenegger's new campaign slogan." --Jimmy Kimmel

I liked Ann Coulter better when she was fighting Sigourney Weaver on those Alien movies

"Big personnel change at the White House. Yesterday, President Bush's chief speechwriter announced he's leaving the White House. His exact words were, 'Me go now.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Congress is outraged by these bogus claims. Congress said, 'If people want to break the law and steal taxpayer money, hey, get elected to Congress like everybody else.'"  --Jay Leno

"I have to agree with Hillary on this. I liked Ann Coulter better when she was fighting Sigourney Weaver on those 'Alien' movies." –Jay Leno

The 9 Lives of a Fat Cat (Warm up the Virgins)

"Big personnel change at the White House. Yesterday, President Bush's chief speechwriter announced he's leaving the White House. His exact words were, 'Me go now.'" --Conan O'Brien

  

"Congress is outraged by these bogus claims. Congress said, 'If people want to break the law and steal taxpayer money, hey, get elected to Congress like everybody else.'"  --Jay Leno

"I have to agree with Hillary on this. I liked Ann Coulter better when she was fighting Sigourney Weaver on those 'Alien' movies." –Jay Leno

"We finally got some good news yesterday from the war in Iraq. As you have probably heard, the Air Force exploded Iraq's head of al Qaeda, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. I was looking forward to seeing what the New York Post had to say about it. This is the actual cover of the newspaper. There you see the dead face of al-Zarqawi with the cartoon bubble saying, 'Warm up the Virgins.' Coincidentally, 'Warm up the Virgins' is also Arnold Schwarzenegger's new campaign slogan." --Jimmy Kimmel

no regrets, no shame and no ethics (That throws the curve way off)

"I have to agree with Hillary on this. I liked Ann Coulter better when she was fighting Sigourney Weaver on those 'Alien' movies." –Jay Leno

"Former House leader Tom DeLay officially left Congress this week. He stepped down. He said he's leaving Congress with no regrets, no shame and no ethics." --Jay Leno

"According to a recent study, my home state of Massachusetts has some of the worst drivers in the nation, but in fairness to Massachusetts, we do have the  Kennedys. That throws the curve way off." --Jay Leno