You've just imagined every major country except the United States (Complete obliteration)

It's day six of the government shutdown. Which means they're no longer paying the nice young man who cuts Joe Biden's food. —Tyrus

When Jake Tapper texted President Trump and asked him what happens if Hamas insists on staying in power, Trump responded, "Complete obliteration”, which is what Kamala said when Jake asked her what she was doing Friday night. — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The hardest part was convincing both sides that he was still the president (Tropic Thunder)

President Biden said that the Israel-Hamas ceasefire talks were one of the toughest negotiations he had ever experienced. The hardest part was convincing both sides that he was still the president. —Colin Jost

Robert F Kennedy, Jr. Trump's nominee to lead the nation's health agencies will have his Senate confirmation hearing next week. RFK has been preparing for the hearings by setting his tanning bed to Tropic Thunder. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And boy, are his knees tired (their version of Dry January)

Meta CEO and Puerto Rican gigolo Mark Zuckerberg, flew down to Mar a Lago to meet with Donald Trump. And boy, are his knees tired. 

--Colin Jost

In other big news this week, Israel and Hamas committed to their version of Dry January. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And every single time it turns out they lied (Path to peace)

At a rally in a Pennsylvania high school, Elon Musk promoted the debunked theory that Dominion Voting Systems rigged the 2020 election, saying, quote, the last thing I would do is trust a computer program, you know, like the ones driving all of his cars. —Colin Jost

President Biden also said that he hopes that the death of the leader of Hamas will be a path to peace in Gaza. Path to peace is also the name of the home Biden's moving into in about three months. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which to be fair is the only way Planet Fitness lets you cancel your membership (multiple vibration settings)

A man in California was arrested after he went to a Planet Fitness, took off his clothes and threatened people with a knife. Which to be fair is the only way Planet Fitness lets you cancel your membership. —Colin Jost

A 99 year old woman in Canada broke three swimming records for her class in one day until finally, someone noticed she had fallen in. —Colin Jost

After the New Hampshire primary, Nikki Haley attacked Donald Trump and called out his, quote, ‘senior moments’, which made Trump so angry, he almost ripped off the safety rails on his toilet. —Michael Che

President Biden is planning to send the director of the CIA to broker a deal between Israel and Hamas, because no one eases tensions in the Middle East quite like the CIA. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because if there's one guy whose trial famously ended well, it's Jesus (This will make you sleepier than 20 Cosby’s)

Also, while he was in Israel, President Biden said the Hamas attack was like "Fifteen 9/11s.” Okay, you can't go somewhere to calm people down and then start rating things in numbers of 9/11s. That is not a calm scale. It would be like if your doctor gave you Ambien and said, "This will make you sleepier than 20 Cosby’s." —Colin Jost

After a judge issued a gag order against President Trump, Trump told reporters that the judge said, "Basically, I don't have the right to speak.” Then he added, "She's, like, literally killing me.” Then he yelled, "You're not even my real mom,” and slammed his bedroom door. —Colin Jost

And yesterday, on Truth Social, Trump posted a courtroom sketch of him sitting next to Jesus. Because if there's one guy whose trial famously ended well, it's Jesus. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Normally I don’t say this to a patient, but you are all responsible for your parents’ divorce (I love this country so much)

“Let’s note the differences in their responses to the war between Israel and Hamas. Biden condemned the attacks by Hamas in Israel, while Trump posted on Truth Social: ‘I KEPT ISRAEL SAFE! NOBODY ELSE WILL, NOBODY ELSE CAN, AND I KNOW ALL OF THE PLAYERS!!!’ Well then strap on some kevlar and get over there, McRib Rambo. Trump would like us to believe that his mere presence would have kept Hamas out of Israel and Russia out of Ukraine. This is coming from a guy who couldn’t even keep Kanye out of Mar-a-Lago. It’s pretty clear that at this point, he’s got no connection with reality at all. All he can see are perfect phone calls, and unfair witch hunts, and elections he won, wars he would’ve prevented. I might have a solution: Let’s build a little Oval Office in a mental institution and put him in there. Tell him he’s been reinstated as president. He’d be perfectly content drawing on weather maps and pushing that little red Diet Coke button. He’d be happy, we’d be happy, let’s get it done!” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile in the US, the House is still without a speaker, and Republicans don’t really seem any closer to finding one. In order to reach some consensus, over 150 GOP lawmakers met behind closed doors on Monday evening in what one member called a ‘therapy session’. I would hate to be a therapist for the House Republicans – ‘Normally I don’t say this to a patient, but you are all responsible for your parents’ divorce.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

There’s something wrong with this chicken (Happy Treason Day)

After former White House staffer Omarosa Manigault released a recording of a conversation with President Trump, Trump tweeted, “Wacky Omarosa who got fired three times on ‘The Apprentice’ now got fired for the last time. She never made it, never will.” Well, actually, she did make it. You hired her for a job in the White House after she got fired three times on “The Apprentice.” That’s like getting cut three times from the Mets and thinking, “I’m going to try out for the Yankees.” --Seth Meyers

Omarosa also claims in her book that she once saw President Trump eat a piece of paper. But in his defense, [shows paper with “chicken” written on it] he was tricked. [imitates Trump, chewing] “There’s something wrong with this chicken.” --Seth Meyers

"Officials from Hamas and Israel have agreed to a 72-hour cease-fire. Of course, we won't have true peace in the Middle East until there's a cease-fire that lasts longer than a mattress sale." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course, he also said the same thing about a flight of stairs (That's a weak excuse)

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said today that Hillary Clinton's arrogance is “breathtaking.” Of course, he also said the same thing about a flight of stairs. –Seth Meyers

"Officials from Hamas and Israel have agreed to a 72-hour cease-fire. Of course, we won't have true peace in the Middle East until there's a cease-fire that lasts longer than a mattress sale." –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said last night that Jeb Bush is “totally out of touch on women’s health issues.” Which is kind of like Jared Fogle telling you you’re creepy. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you're not the only rock in the neighborhood, you know what I'm saying? (You can't PowerPoint your way to j*had)

"Osama bin Laden fell surprisingly short in his latest tape, in which he discussed realigning percentages of Muslim representation on the U.N. Security Council and made some funding proposals for the Hamas regime in the Palestinian Territory. You know, I think Osama's jumped the sheik on this latest tape. Osama, keep your eye on the prize. Leave the Excel spreadsheets to the financial guys. You can't PowerPoint your way to jihad." --Jon Stewart

"Last week was a busy, busy week for both major parties. Starting with the Democrats, who met for a candidates forum on Logo, the gay-oriented cable channel that is not Lifetime or Bravo. It was generally a friendly event, except for one William Richardson [on screen: Richardson saying homosexuality is a choice, when asked if homosexuality is a choice or it is biological]. Richardson then swung into damage control mode, explaining the next day he didn't understand the question because of jet lag. Yes, apparently, the governor had just flown in from the 1950s." --Jon Stewart

"What was Earth doing in the run-up to Earth Day? Well, over the last week it gave us a volcano erupting in Peru, earthquakes in Tibet, Indonesia and Japan, freak tornados in America and the Philippines, floods in Hungary, Romania, Malaysia and Kenya, wildfires in Colorado, and a category five super-cyclone that's about to destroy Darwin, Australia. Earth, could you meet me over at camera three please? Hey Earth, how's it going? So I guess kissing your ass doesn't work. We call you beautiful, precious, mother. Gave you your own day. Just like veterans and groundhogs. We even named you planet of the year in 1988 -- even though by any objective estimation that was Neptune's year. We try to make nice, and what do you do? Not only do you kill us in a thousand different ways, but when we raise your temperature by just a degree -- one little degree -- you're all, 'Oh, it's so hot now, my polar ice caps are melting!' You're a pussy! I got news for you, Earth, you're not the only rock in the neighborhood, you know what I'm saying?" --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the first stock to be offered on the McDonalds value meal (Hindsight is 2020)

"The federal government agreed on Sunday to provide an additional $30 billion to AIG. According to AIG, $15 billion will be used to build the world's biggest toilet, down which the other $15 billion will be flushed." -- Seth Meyers

"Citigroup on Thursday set another milestone as the beleaguered bank dropped below $1 a share, marking the first stock to be offered on the McDonalds value meal." -- Seth Meyers

"The Iranian government this week has demanded an apology from Hollywood saying the movies 300 and The Wrestler were insulting to Iranians. Well how about this, Iran: You apologize for the hostage crisis, pursuing nuclear weapons, high gas prices, financing Hamas, denying the Holocaust and setting fire to the Danish embassy because of a couple cartoons, and then you'll get an apology for The Wrestler." -- Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

from one edge of the Earth to the other (the worst Katrina relocation story yet)

"Hamas has started a new children's show, which features Farfur, a Mickey Mouse knock-off who teaches Islamic radicalism and hatred toward America and Israel. Farfur replaces the network's previous children's show, Dora the Exploder." --Seth Meyers

"During last week's Republican debate, three of the ten candidates said they did not believe in evolution, including Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, who added that he would defend his conviction from one edge of the Earth to the other." --Seth Meyers

"Mormon presidential candidate Mitt Romney told '60 Minutes' this week that he can't imagine anything more awful than polygamy ... except having only one wife." --Seth Meyers

"A 75-year-old retired nurse has become the first black woman to reach the North Pole, in what has to be the worst Katrina relocation story yet." --Seth Meyers

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

three of the ten candidates said they did not believe in evolution (Dora the Exploder)

"Hamas has started a new children's show, which features Farfur, a Mickey Mouse knock-off who teaches Islamic radicalism and hatred toward America and Israel. Farfur replaces the network's previous children's show, Dora the Exploder." --Seth Meyers

"During last week's Republican debate, three of the ten candidates said they did not believe in evolution, including Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, who added that he would defend his conviction from one edge of the Earth to the other." --Seth Meyers

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

babies choosing to just stay in the womb and chill (residents of Wisconsin)

Donald Trump said that after the election, he didn’t call Bill Clinton, but instead, “Bill Clinton called me.” Bill Clinton said, “Actually, I was calling for Melania and he answered the phone.” –Conan O’Brien

A study has confirmed that eating less increases your lifespan. The study goes on to advise the residents of Wisconsin to get their affairs in order. –Conan O’Brien

Health officials say there’s a new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. This has given rise to another new trend — babies choosing to just stay in the womb and chill. –Conan O’Brien

That's ridiculous. I had my circumvention done when I was a baby (Lebanese)

"Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met with an official from Lebanon. He said he's always admired the Lebanese. He said in fact, Dick Cheney's daughter is Lebanese." --Conan O'Brien

"Inspiring developments -- Democracy is on the march in the Middle East. Yesterday, hundreds of thousands of Palestinians hit the polls for the first time of parliamentary elections in ten years. Which democratically elected party walked away victorious? Oh, it's Hamas! Yes, Hamas the militant Islamic group that is very anti-American and calls for the destruction of Israel, and wants a theocracy in Palestine. Though, on the plus side, they have returned all the money given to them by Jack Abramoff." --Jon Stewart

"Today at a press conference, President Bush defended his domestic wiretapping program when a reporter called it a circumvention of the law. The president said 'That's ridiculous. I had my circumvention done when I was a baby.'" --Conan O'Brien

Bush is putting FEMA in charge to make sure the money never gets there (never lie to Oprah)

"Bush is now urging all nations to cut off aid to Hamas and Palestine, including the $234 million we were going to send them. In fact, to make sure, Bush is putting FEMA in charge to make sure the money never gets there." --Jay Leno

"In Palestine, Hamas won by a landslide, huge, huge margin. How does this make Democrats feel? They can't win anything and terrorists are winning in a landslide." --Jay Leno

"Al-Qaeda number two man Ayman al-Zawahriha released a new video where he calls President Bush a warmonger, a failure and a man who has brought catastrophe to the United States. I’m sorry that’s what Howard Dean said." --Jay Leno

"Tomorrow night, President Bush will give his  State of the Union address. He's expected to repeat several universal truths: All people deserve to be free, democracy is good, and the most important truth, never lie to Oprah." --Jay Leno

You can't PowerPoint your way to jihad (some serious vanilla)

"Karl Rove, making his fifth grand jury appearance, his fifth grand jury appearance! One more and he gets to bang the gavel." --Jon Stewart

"Mayor Ray 'Chocolate City' Nagin couldn't pull in enough of the vote in New Orleans to prevent a runoff. If he hopes to hold on to his office, [he] will have to make inroads into what he's calling some serious vanilla." --Jon Stewart

"Osama bin Laden fell surprisingly short in his latest tape, in which he discussed realigning percentages of Muslim representation on the U.N. Security Council and made some funding proposals for the Hamas regime in the Palestinian Territory. You know, I think Osama's jumped the sheik on this latest tape. Osama, keep your eye on the prize. Leave the Excel spreadsheets to the financial guys. You can't PowerPoint your way to jihad." --Jon Stewart

A cease-fire that lasts longer than a mattress sale

"Officials from Hamas and Israel have agreed to a 72-hour cease-fire. Of course, we won't have true peace in the Middle East until there's a cease-fire that lasts longer than a mattress sale." –Seth Meyers

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said that he is still sober and he'll never be caught doing anything illegal ever again. Then he said, 'Unless someone's taping me. Then I'll get caught probably.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Rob Ford also said that he is committed to living a healthier life, and his days of going to the liquor store are over. Which would be great, if he weren't addicted to crack." –Jimmy Fallon



That's like leaving the house without pants...

"Today is the 30th anniversary of the National Minimum Drinking Age Act, which raised the drinking age to 21. Also turning 30 today: a 16-year-old boy, according to his fake ID." –Seth Meyers



"A federal judge ruled yesterday that California's version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently the difference is California's version has avocado on it." –Seth Meyers



"Even though both Israel and Hamas fired on one another during the five-hour humanitarian period yesterday, the U.N. secretary general said both sides 'mostly respected' the cease-fire. That's like leaving the house without pants and saying you're 'mostly dressed.'" –Seth Meyers