Evidently, low approval ratings can be contracted through saliva (Another classy move from a classy guy)

Evidently, low approval ratings can be contracted through saliva." --Stephen Colbert, on the effect of President Bush kissing Joe Lieberman

"I'm going to miss him, too. Another classy move from a classy guy. The man who stood tall even as his staffers dropped like laundered nickels from an Indian casino slot machine. He's doing it right folks -- going out at the top of his game in the middle of a criminal investigation." --Stephen Colbert, on Tom DeLay

"The most dangerous movie of the summer, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' starring Al Gore as, surprise, a fear-monger. Now, I've firmly established that I love truth in all its forms: God's honest truth, cold, hard truth, even the awful truth. But, as it turns out, I'm not so crazy about inconvenient truth. Not convenient enough for me." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think they deserve an award just for finding something that rhymes with ethanol (echoes of meaningless standing ovations)

"Do you folks have Oscar fever? The Al Gore documentary, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' is nominated for two Academy Awards. One Academy Award is for best song. I think they deserve an award just for finding something that rhymes with ethanol." --David Letterman

"How many people saw the Bush State of the Union address? I can still hear the echoes of meaningless standing ovations." --David Letterman

"President Bush now has the lowest presidential approval rating since Richard Nixon. Now, here's another coincidence. Nixon had a dog named 'Checkers.' Bush plays checkers with his dog." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He said he wanted to spend more time lying to his family (I hope he's up to the job)

"Al Gore is coming out with a movie about global warming called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' It's described as a detailed scientific view of global warming. President Bush said he just saw a film about global warming, 'Ice Age 2; The Meltdown.' He said, 'It's so much better than that boring Al Gore movie.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush creating thousands of new jobs. The bad news, they're all in the White House. As you know, staff members have been leaving the White House in droves. Today, press secretary Scott McClellan stepped down. He said he wanted to spend more time lying to his family." --Jay Leno

"In true McClellan style, he then neither confirmed nor denied reports of a White House leak that instructed him not to let the door hit him in the ass on the way out. As they say, it's hard out there for a press secretary. There is no word yet on who will fill McClellan's shoes, although one rumored candidate is Tony Snow, a correspondent at Fox News. In other words, the White House is considering paying a Fox News reporter to tell the public what they want the public to hear. I hope he's up to the job." --Jon Stewart

she wants to be president because she can't do anything else (Salma Hayek. 90 miles)

"The most dangerous movie of the summer, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' starring Al Gore as, surprise, a fear-monger. Now, I've firmly established that I love truth in all its forms: God's-honest truth, cold, hard truth, even the awful truth. But, as it turns out, I'm not so crazy about inconvenient truth. Not convenient enough for me." --Stephen Colbert

"Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else." --Jay Leno

"The Mexican government has been accused of encouraging its citizens to illegally immigrate to the United States. They say they're not. I'm not so sure. Someone sent me a picture of this sign in Mexico [on screen: Salma Hayek. 90 miles]." --Jay Leno

And today Bill Clinton said, "Good answer, good answer." (I'd like to see Tiger Woods do This!)

"Russia still very upset about recent comments Dick Cheney made about that country. But, I am sure the vice president thought out his words very carefully. Cheney, he's not the kind of guy to shoot from the hip." --Jay Leno

"As I'm sure you know by know, Patrick Kennedy blamed this whole incident on a sleep medication he was taking. That's what he said, he said he couldn't remember getting out of bed in the middle of the night and leaving his home. And today Bill Clinton said, "Good answer, good answer." --Jay Leno

"The most dangerous movie of the summer, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' starring Al Gore as, surprise, a fear-monger. Now, I've firmly established that I love truth in all its forms: God's-honest truth, cold, hard truth, even the awful truth. But, as it turns out, I'm not so crazy about inconvenient truth. Not convenient enough for me." --Stephen Colbert

No word yet on the mental (Hot and Cold)

"Good news from the White House. President Bush last week had his annual physical and he passed. He passed his annual physical. No word yet on the mental." --David Letterman 

"President Bush called for the National Guard to patrol the U.S./Mexican border. The guards will track down and find  illegals. That's not their job. They're trained to defend our country -- not track down and find people. Let's be honest, the Guard couldn't even track down and find President Bush when he was in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said we'll have 6,000 troops on the border for one year, preferably an election year." --Jay Leno

"Former Vice President Al Gore starring in a new documentary about global warming. I believe it's called [Leno snores]. The film actually features Al Gore and explores his journey on how he first got interested in temperature change. It started back when he was vice president. He noticed how the temperature would change, like whenever Bill would walk into the room, it would get warm and whenever Hillary walked into the room, it got cold." --Jay Leno

They finally find a weapon of mass destruction (Oh, there you are)

"Vice President Dick Cheney is here in California to try and boost the campaigns of several of the Republican candidates out here. Boy, how low are you in the polls when you bring in Cheney to help you get your numbers up?" --Jay Leno

"Cheney loves California. See, out here, rich and famous people can shoot other people and get away with it." --Jay Leno

"President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up." --Conan O'Brien

if you're an illegal immigrant who's crossing our border to burn the flag at your gay wedding...

"Republican leaders say that after illegal immigration and gay marriage, the next issue President Bush will tackle: flag burning. So if you're an illegal immigrant who's crossing our border to burn the flag at your gay wedding, we got your number." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president. This past weekend, Al Gore's movie, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' earned more per screen than any film in the country. I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history. Global warming: Can we live with it? It is time we did something, namely resign ourselves to doing nothing Follow Congress' Lead.  For instance, when sea levels rise, we'll just build levees [on screen: Worked for New Orleans]" --Stephen Colbert

7 Words You Don't Want to Hear on Television (remembering George Carlin, pt. 2)

"Actually, Al Gore's movie, An Inconvenient Truth, made about $2 million this past weekend, whereas X-Men made about $150 million. That just shows we're more interested in the fake people saving the fake earth than the real people trying to save the real earth." --Jay Leno

"Pretty sobering film. Critics are calling it a wake-up call, which is pretty amazing. Who ever thought Al Gore would be giving people a wake-up call? It's a fascinating movie. He makes some interesting points in the film. He says global warming is so bad, they have actually detected a thaw between Bill and  Hillary." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore says we have 10 years to reverse global warming. See, you don't tell us things like that. We're Americans. Americans just go, 'Look, I'll drive my Hummer for the next nine years until the lease runs out and then I'll save the earth in the last year.' You can't put a time table on it." --Jay Leno

"You hate Canada? That's like saying I hate toast. It's not the kind of thing that inspires passion in either direction. I can understand why you're mad at us. We're arrogant, leading the whole War on Terror, but Canada? That's like watching 'Hannity & Colmes' and just hating Colmes. Canada opposed the war in Iraq. You're mad because you want them to withdraw troops from Afghanistan. That is so two Jihads ago. If anything, you should love Canada. Who else could cripple America with their cheap prescription drugs and talented comedians? So, terrorists pick on someone your own size. Do what you want to us, but as far as Canada goes, you leave them 'oot'" --Jon Stewart, on Al Qaeda terrorists apprehended in Canada

Frisbeetarian (remembering Carlin, pt. 1)

"Al Gore's movie about global warming broke into the 'Top Ten' this past week. President Bush was not impressed. He said the movie about me, Fahrenheit 9/11, did better than that." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he's not going to see the film. He said he did go to see 'Ice Age 2: The Meltdown' so he has all the facts about global warming." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Al Gore's movie, An Inconvenient Truth, made about $2 million this past weekend, whereas X-Men made about $150 million. That just shows we're more interested in the fake people saving the fake earth than the real people trying to save the real earth." --Jay Leno

but the Supreme Court overturned it (remembering Johnny, pt 2)

"Did you know Al Gore was voted our second most popular guest ever? Actually he finished first, but the Supreme Court overturned it." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people said Al Gore was the best vice president the country ever had. Not to take anything away from Al, but look at the competition. He replaced a guy who couldn't spell 'potato' and was followed by a guy who shot someone in the face." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore's movie about global warming broke into the 'Top Ten' this past week. President Bush was not impressed. He said the movie about me, Fahrenheit 9/11, did better than that." --Jay Leno

Dick Cheney wannabe (or as the special forces refer to him, 'Next')

"This is weird. The state of Texas has put webcams on the Mexican border so people can sit at their home computers and look for illegal aliens trying to cross into the U.S. The website is free, but it costs $5 if you want the illegal aliens to talk dirty to you." --Conan O'Brien

"Al Gore has a movie about global warming. It's called An Inconvenient Truth. It's doing surprisingly well at the box office. Even though it's only playing on like 80 screens, it actually broke the 'Top Ten' list. I guess when you have charisma like Al Gore has, people flock to you" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you hear about this al-Zarqawi? They knocked him out over the weekend and al Qaeda has chosen a new leader. His name is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. Yeah, he's the new al Qaeda leader in Iraq and it's a huge step for this guy because his last job he was in charge of corporate gifting. They didn't waste any time. Zarqawi was killed and they named this Abu Hamza al-Muhajer, or as the special forces refer to him, 'Next'" --David Letterman

Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work (Akhmed and Me)

"Have you heard about al Qaeda's new leader in Iraq, Abu Hamza al-Muhajer? This guy's everywhere. Earlier today he was on Iraq's big morning show, 'Live with Muhammad and Kelly.' Al-Muhajer was on the show promoting his new book, 'Akhmed and Me.'" --David Letterman

"Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It's a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work." --David Letterman

"A few weeks ago saw the release of the documentary, An Inconvenient Truth. The title plays on moviegoers' love of reality and inconvenience. The film follows Al Gore as he tours the world talking about global warming and best of all, Al Gore is powered by a potato. Gore and a fringe group of radical liberals known as 'scientists' believe that the earth is being damaged by man-made carbon dioxide. Well, bad mouth humanity all you want, but diss carbon dioxide and the Competitive Enterprise Institute is likely to open up a can of public service advertising on your a** [on screen: Institute's ads responding to 'An Inconvenient Truth' and environmentalists' attacks on carbon dioxide]. I know what you're driving at, but I really don't think science and liberals are going to outlaw breathing." --Jon Stewart