Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad (porn name)

 

"Signing up for the Army just got a little bit easier. Now, I know what you're thinking, 'I'm too lazy and emotionally fragile for boot camp, plus I'm a felon with a third-grade education. And I'm gay.' Well, good news, in today's Army, it doesn't matter. Except the gay part. According to the Wall Street Journal, the military is adopting a kinder and gentler approach to basic training, in order to improve diminishing recruitment numbers. Among the changes: more sleep and personal time, less running, and best of all, overweight recruits don't have to skip dessert. Hey, kids, boot camp is now easier than fat camp." --Jon Stewart

"Californians selected state Treasurer Phil Angelides as their candidate for the upcoming gubernatorial election, setting up a much anticipated Schwarzenegger/Angelides contest in November. Incidentally, Schwarzenegger Angelides is my porn name." --Jon Stewart

 

"Mr. Whittington is doing fine, but based on this development, we're going to downgrade the condition of this story from 'Incredibly Hilarious' to 'Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad.'" --Jon Stewart, on the heart attack Harry Whittington suffered after being shot by Dick Cheney

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Maybe he's not the problem (My bad?)

"You know, if I wanted to pick out one thing that best exemplifies our country's peculiar relationship with guns, it's that the phrase 'minor shooting incident' exists." –Jon Stewart on reports that the Navy Yard shooter was previously in involved in minor shooting incidents

"If it turns out that President Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable totalitarian mullahs in the world, but not with Republicans, maybe he's not the problem." –Jon Stewart on Republican complaints that Obama was willing to negotiate with Iran and Russia but not Republicans

"How powerful a man do you have to be to shoot a man in the face and have that person say, 'My bad'?" --Jon Stewart, on Harry Whittington's apology to Cheney

"Did you see the Giants game on Sunday? They lost 31-7. Do you know what the Giants didn't say after that game? 'If you don't give us 25 more points by midnight on Monday, we will shut down the f**king NFL.'" --Jon Stewart on Republicans shutting down the government over their opposition to Obamacare

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought we had the only Governor who covered himself in baby oil (It's what happens when you're not an a**hole)

 

"The man who Cheney shot is named Harry Whittington. He's a high powered Republican lawyer, he was very lucky. They say the only reason that he wasn't killed is because he was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to our troops." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is a great story. You've got the Vice President, a shotgun, a bunch of rich guys hunting tiny little birds. The only thing that could possibly make this story better is if he shot Michael Jackson." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obviously, they're keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight. President Bush gave a speech last night which couldn't have been more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which I think is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe, and they actually locked Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men's room. Either that or he locked himself in, I'm not sure." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It has been revealed that Sarah Palin had a tanning bed installed in the Alaska Governor's mansion. All along, I thought we had the only Governor who covered himself in baby oil." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington's face (I'm not even sure he's buying it anymore)

"Vice President Dick Cheney is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington's face." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"As for what exactly a bad day for Bush might look like, oh, how about being a captive audience member at the funeral of a civil rights pioneer in front of thousands of people, none of whom voted for you except the woman sitting right next to you and possibly your dad. But I'm not even sure he's buying it anymore." --Jon Stewart, on Coretta Scott King's funeral

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My TV says you are a domestic terrorist (the government's got that on tape)

 

"You know how sometimes during war time, civil liberties can take a back seat to national security? Well, I got good news and bad news. The good news is this -- no Japanese people are being sent to any camps. The bad news is, that time you got hammered and drunk-dialed your ex-girlfriend who's studying abroad and sang her that WHAM! song that was 'your song' -- uh, the government's got that on tape." --Jon Stewart

"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." --Jon Stewart

"Now obviously Sen. John McCain has made an enormous amount over Barack Obama's lack of experience, so it seems curious that the 72-year-old, four-to-five time face cancer guy would choose a running mate whose resume appears to be more suited for a Northern Exposure reunion show." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

President George W. Bush either has a thirst for international knowledge or is a drug mule (then your F looks like a C)

 

"I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and it's been a terrible burden on the country in terms of interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They haven't paid down the debt or come up with any program to do so. What they did is raise the limit of debt we can go to $9 trillion. It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to K. Then your F looks like a C." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush left for the Olympic Games early, in an effort to beat the traffic, landing in South Korea for a day of trade talks. It seemed like just another ordinary trip for the president, except, it's his 134th visit to a foreign country! It's a record! He's now officially -- this is true -- our most traveled president in history. It's a little suspicious. Perhaps validating what I have been saying all along: President George W. Bush either has a thirst for international knowledge or is a drug mule." --Jon Stewart

 

"How powerful a man do you have to be to shoot a man in the face and have that person say, 'My bad'?" --Jon Stewart, on Harry Whittington's apology to Cheney

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything (Ohh, Cheney)

    

"You remember Dick Cheney, he's the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn't tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: Attorney Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney's family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, 'My God, how do you shoot an old man in the face ... and get him to apologize? Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What's he hiding? What are his secrets?' Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything." --Jon Stewart

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-

collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Dick Cheney is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington in the face

"The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington's face." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"According to a Finnish medical study, if you have a bad or incompetent boss, it increases your risk of a heart attack by 30%. More bad news for Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

Ivanka Trump is getting an office at the White House and she’s getting top-level security clearance. She will take a position in the White House where she’ll draw upon her 20 years of foreign and domestic policy experience that she gained selling sandals to Nordstrom. –Jimmy Kimmel

Her role is that she will serve as her father’s “eyes and ears” at the White House. He doesn’t need that. He needs somebody to be his thumbs so he can stop tweeting. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil

"The man who was shot is named Harry Whittington. He's a high powered Republican lawyer, he was very lucky. They say the only reason that he wasn't killed is he was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to our troops." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So in summary, the Vice President of the United States shot a 78-year-old man in the face. Congratulations Mister Vice President, you are now a Crip." --Jimmy Kimmel

Where did he get a wacky, Czarist idea like that? (Eat what you shoot!)

"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old man in the face, six more weeks of winter." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Vice President says that it was an accident. He claims the guy got in his line of fire, but the good news was he was delicious. Eat what you shoot!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is a great story. You've got the Vice President, a shotgun, a bunch of rich guys hunting tiny little birds. The only thing that could possibly make this story better is if he shot Michael Jackson." --Jimmy Kimmel

Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep (after 8 years of Bush)

"You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.'" --Craig Ferguson

"The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for 18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep." --Craig Ferguson

"Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the past." --Craig Ferguson

shot in a duel over issues of honor and integrity (Mistaken for a bird)

"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird." --Jon Stewart

"Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. Moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- it's just not worth it." --Jon Stewart

"The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78- year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Wittington's face." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

we're going to downgrade the condition of this story from 'Incredibly Hilarious' to 'Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad.'

"Mr. Whittington is doing fine, but based on this development, we're going to downgrade the condition of this story from 'Incredibly Hilarious' to 'Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad.'" --Jon Stewart, on the heart attack Harry Whittington suffered after being shot by Dick Cheney

"It turns out now that Dick Cheney did not have a license to hunt, and coincidentally, turns out we didn't have a license to go into Iraq." --David Letterman

"Kind of a sad study out today that single women over the age of 35 are more likely to be shot by the vice president than to find a husband." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Remember when the most embarrassing thing to happen to a vice-president was misspelling the word potato?" --Jimmy Kimmel

How powerful a man do you have to be... (one count of manslaughter)

"Vice President Dick Cheney said today he's not sure he'll ever go  hunting again. If he does decide to go hunting again, good luck finding anyone to go with him." --Jay Leno

"I do want to begin with an update on our Vice President, Dick Cheney. He didn't shoot anyone else, but he is a man a heartbeat away from both the presidency and one count of manslaughter." --Jon Stewart

"How powerful a man do you have to be to shoot a man in the face and have that person say, 'My bad'?" --Jon Stewart, on Harry Whittington's apology to Cheney