I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people (not Osama bin Laden)

"Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, 'I'm Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.'" –Jimmy Fallon

I read that a NASA spacecraft, “Juno,” that launched in 2011 is scheduled to arrive at Jupiter in July to take pictures of the planet. When asked what kind of camera it brought, Juno was like, “Crap!” --Jimmy Fallon

"Did you hear about this? In Afghanistan, the U.S. has discovered large deposits of iron, copper, cobalt, gold, and lithium. Or, as most people would call it, 'not Osama bin Laden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, it proves what I've been saying about this conflict all along -- it's a win-win (but let's not think about it)

"The ground fighting is only one front in the war between Israel

and Hezbollah. There's also the propaganda war. Today

Hezbollah claimed the month of fighting represented divine

victory. Israel claimed it had achieved many of its military

objectives. So, it proves what I've been saying about this

conflict all along -- it's a win-win." --Jon Stewart

"The stem cell research bill passed both houses of Congress, but yesterday, the president vetoed the bill surrounded by the so-called snowflake children. So named because no two are alike, and they're all white. Snowflake children are the product of frozen embryos that were adopted rather than discarded. They were there to illustrate why embryonic stem cell research is wrong, even though those children wouldn't exist if not for intensive embryonic research, but let's not think about it." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Who should we trust with Christopher Reeve's legacy? Lois Lane or Lex Luthor.

Tomorrow is the presidential inauguration. People from all across country will be there. But don’t worry if you can’t make it, because the president will be live tweeting the whole thing. –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump apparently wrote a draft of his inauguration speech himself. A little worried though, because while he was writing, he kept yelling to his secretary, “Is boobs spelled with two ‘o’s or three?” –Jimmy Fallon

Now, Trump likes writing everything by hand and he actually threw away some lines for his speech that he decided not to use. Well, we got a hold of some of them. So check these out: This first line Trump threw away was “Four score and seven bankruptcies ago.” Then he tried, “Read my lips. No new taxes — for me.” –Jimmy Fallon

Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs, who won their first World Series in 108 years (Ahem!)

Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs, who won their first World Series in 108 years. When asked how it was to witness history, Cubs fans said, “I don’t remember.” –Jimmy Fallon

They mentioned the tarp used during last night’s rain delay was once a poncho worn by New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. –Jimmy Fallon

Another big story is that Cubs team president Theo Epstein has now ended World Series droughts for both the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox. Now, he’s going to take on his toughest job yet, president of RadioShack. –Jimmy Fallon

Theo Epstein said last night that he’s going on a month-long bender to celebrate. Hillary Clinton was like, “If you can wait five more days, I’ll join you.” –Jimmy Fallon

Apparently they're too good for our ports. That is so racist (they never got that far)

"Dubai backed out of the deal to buy the six American ports today. They're gone, they're out. I'll tell you why: Apparently they're too good for our ports. That is so racist." --Jon Stewart

"Lobbyist and convicted felon Jack Abramoff said he is good friends with indicted Congressman Tom DeLay, and sometimes they sit down and they discuss the Bible together. Apparently they didn't discuss the 'Thou shalt not steal' commandment. Apparently they never got that far." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in Congress want to stop the sale of those six sea ports to that Dubai company even though President Bush supports that deal. Republican congressmen say this issue involves something even more important than loyalty to the president: Saving their own asses on election day in November." --Jay Leno

This is the biggest setback for the Bush administration, well, all day (strip-mining her family)

"Gale Norton, the woman who has been our secretary of the interior for the last five years, the one guarding our environment, you know, she's stepping down. She says she wants to spend more time strip-mining her family."--Bill Maher

"To get even with us, the United Arab Emirates is talking about not buying any American made products. Looks like we got them there too. We don't make any products in America anymore." --Jay Leno

"Dubai announced they will sell ownership of the six American ports to another investor. The bad news: It's Iran. This is the biggest setback for the Bush administration, well, all day." --Jay Leno

The Pentagon is having some weird feelings (gay dudes, pt. 2)

"The Pentagon admitted it's been spying on gay groups. The Pentagon also admitted that since it's started spying on gay groups, it's been having some weird feelings." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush on Tuesday reluctantly released portions of the classified report that stated the war in Iraq is adding to the terrorist threat throughout the world. Though suspiciously in some portions of the report, someone had crossed out Iraq and written in, 'Gay dudes'." --Amy Poehler of Saturday Night Live

  

"This was a little frightening. Over the weekend, the Royal Mounted Police up in Canada busted a group of Canadian terrorists -- a Canadian al Qaeda group. About 19 of them. Their motto was: 'Death to America, ey?' The Canadian terrorist group was led by Canadian mastermind, Gordy bin Laden." --David Letterman

Today it just said, 'Eat me.' (Ahem!...)

"Bush said today canceling [the ports deal] sends a bad message to the Arab world. You know, not like invading their countries, putting them on leashes, making them masturbate, but bad." --Bill Maher

"An unnamed American entity is going to take over. The rumor is that it's Halliburton. Talk about arrogant. You know that sign Bush stands in front of all the time with the writing on it? Today it just said, 'Eat me.'" --Bill Maher

"They're finally closing the Abu Grab-ass prison. I don't know if there's a coincidence, but it's the same week they're closing Neverland." --Bill Maher

congressmen need to be able to play the field (fat drug addicts)

"This weekend for the first time in over a month, Fidel Castro appeared on Cuban television. Cubans were excited to hear this and said, 'We have a television?'" --Conan O'Brien

"These activist judges are at it again. The New Jersey Supreme Court says homosexuals actually have the same civil rights as straight people, which means they can marry. See, this is the difference between Democrats and Republicans. Democrats want gays to get married. Republicans know congressmen need to be able to play the field." --Bill Maher

"Officials said Tuesday that Iraqis have agreed to develop a timetable for progress in stabilizing Iraq. So there you have it. There's now a timetable for establishing a timetable. Welcome home, boys!." --Amy Poehler

"Have you heard about the Michael J. Fox situation? He's been doing ads in support of candidates who are for stem cell research. And Rush Limbaugh attacked him and said that Michael J. Fox was off his medication when he filmed the ad, so that he'd look shakier. He said, if he's not going to take his prescription drugs, he knows a fat drug addict who will." --Bill Maher

they buried him next to 10,000 Al Gore ballots

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
- Jay Leno

There was one kind of embarrassing moment when President Bush was asked if he ever went AWOL and he said, "No no no, we have Earthlink."
- Jay Leno

President Bush's dog Spot passed away. So they took Spot back to the ranch in Texas and buried him next to, I believe, 10,000 Al Gore ballots.
- David Letterman

Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick.
- Jay Leno

George Bush was born on third base and thought he hit a triple.
- Texas Governor Ann Richards

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/03/hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015-volume-1_23.html