And you can trust me, I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer (shark spelling bee)

Yesterday, President Trump’s lawyer insisted that Trump is not under investigation. He added, “And you can trust me, I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer.” –Conan O’Brien

The Discovery Channel announced that Michael Phelps will compete against a shark in a swimming race. Meanwhile, Ryan Lochte will compete against a shark in a spelling bee. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

Her doctors say she’s doing so well, she’ll be up and deleting emails in no time

Protesters rushed the stage during Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte’s performance — or as Ryan Lochte told the press afterwards, some Brazilians tried to rob him at gunpoint while he was dancing. –James Corden

There’s been a lot in the news about Hillary Clinton’s recent bout of pneumonia. Hillary herself tweeted about it yesterday, saying just like any sick person, she’s “just anxious to get back out there.” That shows how out of touch Hillary is with regular people. People don’t want to go back to work. Nobody’s in bed at 1 p.m. thinking, “Oh man, I wish I was watching Linda’s PowerPoint on how to fill out my expense reports.” –James Corden

Her doctors say she’s doing so well, she’ll be up and deleting emails in no time. –James Corden

Hey, if anyone's too hot it's my daughter Ivanka (Wait, you wanted me to save those?)

Hillary Clinton left the Ground Zero memorial service early yesterday because she felt overheated. Said Trump, "Hey, if anyone's too hot it's my daughter Ivanka." –Seth Meyers

Following the news that Hillary Clinton is suffering from pneumonia, Donald Trump has promised to release his own medical records. "Wait, you wanted me to save those?" said his doctor. –Seth Meyers

Last night was the big season premiere of “Dancing With the Stars.” And at one point, two protesters rushed the stage as Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte got his scores. Security stopped them within about 10 seconds, or as Lochte put it, “They kidnapped me, put a gun to my head, and dropped me off at the Grand Canyon!” –Jimmy Fallon

I guess we better make Canada great again, too (Who do we write the check out to?)

Donald Trump gave a big speech on immigration last night. And during the speech, he said that Mexico is 100% going to pay for his, quote, "beautiful border wall." Mexicans were like, "Wait, you never said it was going to be beautiful. Who do we write the check out to?" –Jimmy Fallon

Rudy Giuliani spoke at Donald Trump's rally last night after he got back from Mexico and debuted a new campaign hat. This is real. We did not make this up. It reads, "Make Mexico great again also." They didn't stop there. They also debuted another hat that says, "Oh, yeah, I guess we better make Canada great again, too, while we're at it, in addition to the United States and Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

A sperm donor in Georgia, who has fathered 36 children, recently admitted to lying on his application about his high IQ. After hearing this story, Ryan Lochte said, "Dad?" –Jimmy Fallon

Things got awkward when he made a speech that started out, “Hola, Rapists.”

After insulting Mexico for the past year, Donald Trump was in Mexico today. Things got awkward when he made a speech that started out, “Hola, Rapists.” –Conan O’Brien

Ryan Lochte has just announced a new endorsement deal with a crime prevention device. The device is so advanced, it can even stop crimes that you completely made up. –Conan O’Brien

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was spotted singing and dancing at a Bruce Springsteen concert. Then Christie tried to crowd surf and killed nine people. –Conan O’Brien

It’s basically Game of Thrones for your mom

At a track meet last weekend, a 100-year-old woman won a gold medal in her age group in the 100-meter dash. Her opponents dropped out of the race in 1987. –Conan O’Brien

Ryan Lochte and former Gov. Rick Perry will appear on this season’s “Dancing with the Stars.” The theme of this season is “Dumb.” –Conan O’Brien

Today “Dancing with the Stars” has revealed the cast for its upcoming 23rd season. If you’re not familiar with “Dancing with the Stars,” it’s basically “Game of Thrones” for your mom. –James Corden

The woman he slept with last weekend is already four months pregnant (a fair and Speedo trial)

After lying to Rio police, Ryan Lochte has been summoned to Rio to testify. In accordance with the Brazilian Constitution, he has the right to a fair and Speedo trial. –Conan O’Brien

This weekend, after winning three gold medals in Rio, Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt was caught cheating on his girlfriend. Here's how fast Bolt is: The woman he slept with last weekend is already four months pregnant. –Conan O’Brien

There are rumors that Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has signed a deal to appear on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars." It'll be nice for Lochte to have three people judging him instead of the whole country. –James Corden

"Sounds like a good plan," said Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, and John Kasich

A new report has found that Donald Trump may have used some of his campaign funds to buy thousands of copies of his own book. Oh my God, that’s what he’s gonna use to build the wall! –Seth Meyers

Ryan Lochte is reportedly in talks to join the cast of “Dancing with the Stars.” Wow, I knew he was in legal trouble, but I didn’t know we were already at the sentencing phase. –Seth Meyers

Politico is now reporting that Hillary Clinton's campaign is using a run-out-the-clock strategy against Donald Trump, hoping to just outlast him until November. "Sounds like a good plan," said Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, and John Kasich. –Jimmy Fallon

Pretty ambitious for a guy who’s never even gotten to second base (second highest paid actress)

Next week, former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow will hold a workout in Los Angeles to try and impress scouts from Major League Baseball. Pretty ambitious for a guy who’s never even gotten to second base. –Seth Meyers

After more than a year of promising mass deportations of undocumented immigrants, last night Donald Trump actually referred to them as “great people.” Even Ryan Lochte was like, “Get your story straight, man!” –Jimmy Fallon

Jennifer Lawrence was just named the world’s highest paid actress, bringing in $46 million last year before taxes. Yep, she narrowly beat out the world’s second highest paid actress: Hillary Clinton. –Jimmy Fallon

Which may explain the Republican Party's new slogan: "Winter Is Coming."

Four sponsors have now dropped Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte. On the bright side, he just signed a huge deal with Bob’s Urinal Cakes. –Conan O’Brien

The GOP has already started making a strategy around the assumption that Hillary Clinton will win the presidency. Which may explain the Republican Party's new slogan: "Winter Is Coming." –Conan O’Brien

An ex-NFL quarterback was arrested after being found naked with meth and marijuana. In other words, he’s back in the NFL. –Conan O’Brien

Even Trump was like, “It took me months to do that!”

Today, Ryan Lochte lost all four of his sponsors, including Speedo. And that's got to hurt, because they've been his biggest supporter — well, not biggest, but crucial. –Stephen Colbert

Apparently Ryan Lochte lost all four of his endorsement deals yesterday following his Rio robbery scandal. In fact he’s so desperate for money, he’s actually considering robbing a gas station. –Jimmy Fallon

Ryan Lochte lost all his business deals in just one day. Even Trump was like, “It took me months to do that!” –Jimmy Fallon

The U.S. brought home 46 gold medals, 37 silver, and four idiots

The Olympics wrapped up over the weekend with the United States coming out on top in all medal counts. The U.S. brought home 46 gold medals, 37 silver, and four idiots. –Seth Meyers

That's right. Speedo has revoked their sponsorship of swimmer Ryan Lochte, and according to him, they did it at gunpoint. –Seth Meyers

A man in Texas last week rode his horse into a Taco Bell restaurant — but, weirdly, he left alone. –Seth Meyers

So, boys, next time somebody says you throw like a girl, say "Thank you."

America just dominated the 2016 Olympics! That's right, we killed it. We got 121 medals! And I'm not surprised. I watched the Games here in the States — can't remember the channel — and from what I saw, apparently only Americans competed. Americans, and Usain Bolt. Of course, he's an honorary American, because Jamaica is basically tropical Colorado. –Stephen Colbert

And the majority of those American medals were won by female athletes. So, boys, next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, say "Thank you." –Stephen Colbert

You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, you're Olympic swimmers, you spend 90 percent of your lives in public pools. That's what the chlorine's for. –Stephen Colbert

Today, Ryan Lochte lost all four of his sponsors, including Speedo. And that's got to hurt, because they've been his biggest supporter — well, not biggest, but crucial. –Stephen Colbert