they're worried that if politicians touch the Pope they'll burst into flames

The trip to Washington, D.C., has actually been very educational for the Pope. You know, because he's only ever read about purgatory. –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that top congressional leaders sent a statement to the House and Senate with guidelines for Pope Francis' visit, including a request to not shake his hand. Apparently, they're worried that if politicians touch the Pope they'll burst into flames. –Jimmy Fallon

In addition to the “no shaking hands,” Congress was given a lot of rules about the Pope's visit. First, there’s "Don't fake-sneeze just to get an easy blessing out of the Pope." –Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie just suspended his campaign

In Texas a high school student was arrested for bringing what authorities thought was a bomb to school but turned out to be a clock. Now the kid is in bigger trouble for carrying a device that could bring Texas into the future. –Conan O’Brien

The Olive Garden is bringing back its “Pasta Pass,” which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign. –Conan O’Brien

when Donald Trump runs out of air

The remaining candidates are gearing up for the second Republican debate, which will take place this Wednesday on CNN. It starts at 8 p.m. and ends when Donald Trump runs out of air. –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump's star on the Walk of Fame in Hollywood was vandalized last week with a yellow "X." When they asked Trump about the "X" he said, "Be more specific. I have many exes.” –Jimmy Fallon

when your own face looks like an orange ate a lemon

Today Trump is getting criticized. He made comments about one of his rivals in the race for the Republican nomination, Carly Fiorina. At this point Donald Trump has publicly attacked more women than he's married. Which is a lot. –Jimmy Kimmel

Mr. Trump, when your own face looks like an orange ate a lemon, maybe you shouldn't criticize other faces. –Jimmy Kimmel

Jeb Bush was given the prize for "lamest use of a magic wand."

In an interview this week, Jeb Bush said that if he had a magic wand, there are at least ten things that he would like change about the Constitution. Then Jeb Bush was given the prize for "lamest use of a magic wand." --Jimmy Fallon

A new poll shows that Jeb Bush is now even more unpopular than Donald Trump. Or as Jeb put it, "Well, at least there's one poll where I'm ahead of Trump." --Jimmy Fallon

Trump was also recently quoted saying he can't remember the last time he apologized. His barber said, "Well, I definitely remember the last time I apologized." --Jimmy Fallon

The last time a German guy with crazy hair took over a country

Donald Trump unveiled his immigration policy and now he's getting a lot of flak. His policy would have prevented his own grandfather from coming to America. That explains his new campaign slogan: "Vote Trump to prevent another Trump." –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is the grandson of German immigrants. Don't worry. The last time a German guy with crazy hair took over a country, everything turned out fine. –Conan O’Brien

They're now building a wall on the border

Donald Trump was photographed at the Iowa State Fair eating a pork chop on a stick. That's what I love about America. You can fly on a private jet and eat at five-star restaurants. But if you want to be president, when they hand you a pork chop on a stick in Iowa, you have to eat it. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump landed his helicopter at the state fair and offered to take some kids on a ride in the helicopter. Twenty kids took the helicopter ride with Trump. He dropped them off in Texas. They're now building a wall on the border. –Jimmy Kimmel

OK, cut him down.

Donald Trump gave a speech yesterday where he accused Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton of being under the control of lobbyists, special interests, and deep-pocketed donors. Trump says we should vote for him because he’s not under control at all. –Seth Meyers

Despite no longer working for Donald Trump, former campaign strategist Roger Stone said today that he still fully supports his former boss. At which point, Trump said, “OK, cut him down.” –Seth Meyers

This is coming from the lead researcher, "Timmy."

Despite all of his sexist comments, 20 percent of Republican women still support Donald Trump. When asked why, the women said, "Because he's paying us alimony." –Conan O’Brien

A new study claims that first grade students are getting three times more homework than they should be doing. This is coming from the lead researcher, "Timmy." –Conan O’Brien

A new bar in London specializes in something called "breathable booze."

The New York Jets have released a linebacker for breaking their quarterback's jaw in a fight in the locker room. In other words, the Jets finally get a player who can hit and they release him. –Conan O’Brien

A new bar in London specializes in something called "breathable booze." As we called that growing up in my house, standing next to uncle Patrick for five minutes. –Conan O’Brien

Cash it quick!

A PAC supporting Hillary Clinton just received an anonymous donation of $1 million. Which means that if she wins any of us can say that it was us that gave her the million bucks and hit her up for a favor. –Jimmy Fallon

What’s really interesting is that this million-dollar donation from an anonymous donor came just two weeks after Hillary spoke out against, quote, “the endless flow of secret, unaccountable money” into campaigns. Then she said, "Starting now! Unaccountable money is awful. Cash it quick!" –Jimmy Fallon

NOPE! I'll hold it until 2020.

Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore officially announced his campaign yesterday, bringing the total number of Republican candidates to 17. Here's how I know that’s too many: If I saw 17 people in line for the BATHROOM, I’d be like, “NOPE! I'll hold it until 2020.” –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that the D.C. newspaper The Hill published its annual list of the 50 most beautiful people in politics yesterday. And once again, it only had five people on it. –Jimmy Fallon

So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you.

A dentist from Minnesota went on one of those big-game hunting trips in Africa and ended up illegally killing a pretty famous lion named Cecil. So many people hate this guy, Donald Trump is considering him as a running mate. "This guy is the worst. He’s perfect for my campaign." –Jimmy Fallon

A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you. –Jimmy Fallon

It came down to two men and I won her

A New York man was arrested Friday for driving an ice cream truck intoxicated wearing only underwear and yelling at children. So on the down side, he was arrested. But, on the up side, he is the Republican front-runner. –Seth Meyers

The season finale of "The Bachelorette" was last night. And Nick was the big winner because Kaitlyn chose Shawn. I'm not sure that's the best way to tell the story how you met your fiancée. "I won her on a game show, it came down to two men and I won her." –Seth Meyers

Can I wrap you in bacon?

Chris Christie attended the Italian-American Heritage Festival street fair in Iowa this weekend, where they celebrated Italian culture and Italian food. The street fair involved two of Christie’s favorite pastimes – eating, and shutting down traffic. It's a combo platter. –Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie attended an Italian-American Heritage Festival where vendors served him a lot of Italian food, including bacon-wrapped dates. Which was also Christie’s prom fantasy in high school. “Want to go to prom with me? Can I wrap you in bacon?" –Jimmy Fallon

Somebody got Rick Perry a word-of-the-day calendar

Sharknado 3 premiered last night and SyFy has already confirmed that there will be a Sharknado Four. It’s like a bad joke that’s gone too far. And you can tell, because Sharknado is now the Republican frontrunner. –Seth Meyers

Presidential hopeful Rick Perry yesterday accused Donald Trump of “demagoguery,” and said that he must be “excised and discarded.” So one thing is clear: somebody got Rick Perry a word-of-the-day calendar. –Seth Meyers

It’s a very classy book-fence!

Today Trump went to Texas to visit the border between the U.S. and Mexico. And when he got there, other Republicans pushed him over the border and went, “Your problem now! You gotta deal with this guy! He's on your side!” –Jimmy Fallon

The FEC released Donald Trump’s financial disclosure yesterday, and it revealed that he received royalties of less than 200 dollars for most of his books. The bad news is, the books aren’t selling; but the GOOD news is – looks like he’s got something to build that Mexican fence with! “It’s a very classy book-fence!” –Jimmy Fallon

They both went after the same tennis ball

Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president. –Jimmy Fallon

Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball. –Jimmy Fallon

He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison

Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn’t fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer. –Seth Meyers

A former Iowa lottery official was found guilty yesterday of rigging a computerized "Hot Lotto" game so he could win a $14 million jackpot. He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison. –Seth Meyers

Graham knew something was up when...

The U.S. won the International Math Olympiad. If you don’t think Americans can compete with Asia in math, maybe you should talk to some of the members of the American team, like Shyam Narayanan, Yang Liu, and Allen Liu. And their coach, Po-Shen Loh. –Seth Meyers

In a speech in South Carolina, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham's personal cell phone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call. –Jimmy Fallon