He was gonna have a garage sale, but his garage is a crime scene, so it's just like — he can’t (store-brand uranium)

January 2023

“Ukrainian President Zelenskyy said that he isn't sure if Vladimir Putin is still alive. Right now, 20 Russian officials are sitting around a conference table like, ‘You poke him.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“And finally, a new study found that men who use Viagra are more likely to live longer. The worse part, Joe Biden is using the news to reassure everyone that he can serve another term.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, today the U.S. hit the debt ceiling, which means the federal government can't borrow any more money. Right now the U.S. is $31 trillion in debt. The country's so strapped for cash, George Santos is e-mailing people pretending to be a Nigerian prince. Also to make some extra money, it’s now called the Gillette Mach3 Washington Monument.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But Republicans say they won't raise the debt ceiling unless there are drastic spending cuts. They even want us to switch our nukes to store-brand uranium. I mean, come on.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen said extraordinary measures are being taken to keep the government's bills paid. Which explains why tonight Mitch McConnell started an OnlyFans.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That's right. Everyone wants to chip in. Today President Biden said he was gonna have a garage sale, but his garage is a crime scene, so it's just like — he can’t.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess they figured Bill Clinton wasn't using it anymore (if there's one thing the president is an expert on...)

 

"President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions, after reports by the UN Atomic Watchdog Committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promised new economic sanctions. And believe me, if there's one thing the president is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy." --Jay Leno

"And today, the Secret Service revealed that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Now, here's my question. What's the secret part? I mean, if the Secret Service is going to give you a Secret Service code name, shouldn't they keep it a secret? I mean, why don't they just call her Sarah?" They also revealed that Sarah's husband, Todd, works in the oil field. Well, his Secret Service codename is 'Driller.' I guess they figured Bill Clinton wasn't using it anymore." --Jay Leno

"They're still calling it a correction. I love this. When CEOs make bad decisions that cause Wall Street to crash, oh, it's called a correction. You know what we should do? Take these people and put them in a correctional institute. That's what we should do." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Right now, she thinks that Warren Buffett is the head of Margaritaville (I'm sorry I enriched uranium)

"The comic book makers of 'Batman' have announced that Batman will go after Osama bin Laden. So you see Bush does have a plan." --David Letterman

"President Bush says he is 100% sure he was right to wiretap. 100% sure that he was right to wiretap. And you know Bush, when he says he's 100% sure, he's always right." –David Letterman

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is trying to win over the American people. It's sort of a PR campaign. Earlier today, over at the U.N., he was signing baseballs that said, 'I'm sorry I enriched uranium'." --David Letterman

"Oh, but Sarah Palin, you know, was at the U.N. yesterday, and she was a big hit. She's over there meeting all of the world leaders. She's still learning who the world leaders are. Right now, she thinks that Warren Buffett is the head of Margaritaville." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The two most stolen items in the world (with all the stress, he's gonna need to blow off some steam)

"Hey, by the way, President Bush is on a trip to Asia, ladies

and gentlemen. He will be spending the entire week in the

Orient. Usually Bush is in the disorient." --David Letterman

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is trying to win over the American people. It's sort of a PR campaign. Earlier today, over at the U.N., he was signing baseballs that said, 'I'm sorry I enriched uranium'." --David Letterman

"John McCain is old. And I had some friends of mine call me to tell me this. You don't have any idea how old he is. Listen to this, he is so old that his blood type has been discontinued." --David Letterman

"It hasn't been a great week for Governor Eliot Spitzer. This is a guy who built a career crusading against corruption. He got caught on an FBI wiretap arranging for a $1,000-an-hour prostitute. Spitzer is named as 'Client #9.' Allegedly, Client #9 wired money to something called the Emperor's Club, which is an online service that provides high-end hookers to upscale gentlemen like my Uncle Frank. Client #9 deposited $4,300 into his account and then he had a two-hour interlude with a prostitute name 'Kristen.' Which I think means he has two thousand dollars of credit left over. That'll come in handy -- with all the stress, he's gonna need to blow off some steam." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is infinity here (You'd look idiotic)

"Congress began hearings today on the government's response to Hurricane Katrina. Today? They're just investigating Hurricane Katrina now? That's pretty sad, when the government's investigation of the government's slow response to Katrina is slower than the government's response to Katrina." --Jay Leno

"The perjury trial of I. Lewis Scooter Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Cheney, is underway in Washington. This case dates back to 2003 and the State of the Union address. So, perhaps a quick refresher would be appropriate. Once upon a time, there was a very bad man [on screen: Saddam Hussein] who was doing a very bad thing [on screen: Pres. Bush saying he learned from the British gov't that Hussein sought large quantities of uranium from Africa]. Slam dunk. Amazing story. How did the president know? Because the British told him ... but the British weren't so sure. So, we really wanted to kill this guy, but you can't just go around killing people because you think they have weapons of mass destruction. You'd look idiotic." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

See, I told you they've been monitoring us (I'm sorry I enriched uranium)

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is trying to win over the American people. It's sort of a PR campaign. Earlier today, over at the U.N., he was signing baseballs that said, 'I'm sorry I enriched uranium'." --David Letterman

"President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions, after reports by the UN Atomic Watchdog Committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promising new economic sanctions. And believe me, if there's one thing the president is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy." --Jay Leno

"According to a new survey, Hillary Clinton's popularity rating is down to its lowest point in over a year. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

If there's one thing Bush is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy (cream of sum yung guy)

"This Taepo-Dong could be horrific. Millions could die from this Dong. A veritable Dong-ocaust. By creating lethal weapons with very silly names, they're making their growing military might seem hilariously innocuous. And you know our president -- you mention Taepo Dong at a national security briefing, and he's taking a two-hour ride on the giggle train. It's not just the Taepo-Dong. Did you know Kim's working on neutron explosive that burns you from the inside out, leaving you a charred husk of flesh? It's called Long Fat ****. Worst of all, when it blows up, it spreads a deadly biochemical cream of sum yung guy." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is trying to win over the American people. It's sort of a PR campaign. Earlier today, over at the U.N., he was signing baseballs that said, 'I'm sorry I enriched uranium'." --David Letterman

"President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions, after reports by the UN Atomic Watchdog Committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promising new economic sanctions. And believe me, if there's one thing the president is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump will turn your whole country into a poorly run casino like THAT! (Star Wars trailer)

Yesterday President Trump announced that he'd be making an announcement at 2:00 this afternoon on the future of our nuclear pact with Iran. He's been teasing this like it's a new "Star Wars" trailer. --Jimmy Kimmel

Trump said he will re-impose sanctions on Iran.  And, as a result, Iran said they will immediately resume enriching uranium. But Trump says if Iran doesn't fall in line, look out." [video of Trump] "If the regime continues its nuclear aspirations, it will have bigger problems than it has ever had before." That's right, don't test him, Iran. He will turn your whole country into a poorly run casino like THAT! --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

today Belichick was offered a job with the Bush administration (audio frequencies)

"So obviously, the president has a better idea [on screen: Bush saying, 'I believe the best approach is to put more power in the hands of individuals. By empowering people and their doctors...']. Okay, I'm just going to stop him right there. I think I figured out the disconnect here. I think I figured out the problem. 'Empowering people and their doctors.' See, he thinks the uninsured have doctors." --Jon Stewart

"There are now allegations that New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick may have tampered with the stadium's audio frequencies to eavesdrop on the other teams' conversations. But the good news of these spying allegations is that today Belichick was offered a job with the Bush administration." --Jay Leno

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

if there's one thing Bush is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy (bring polls down)

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is trying to win over the American people. It's sort of a PR campaign. Earlier today, over at the U.N., he was signing baseballs that said, 'I'm sorry I enriched uranium'." --David Letterman

"President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions, after reports by the UN Atomic Watchdog Committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promising new economic sanctions. And believe me, if there's one thing the president is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy." --Jay Leno

"According to a new survey, Hillary Clinton's popularity rating is down to its lowest point in over a year. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down.'" --Conan O'Brein

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans  

Bush's First choice? Invade Wall Street (if there's one thing the president is an expert on)

"President Bush announced today that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market. Actually, that was Bush's second choice to fix the problem. First choice? Invade Wall Street." --Jay Leno



"I tell you, I went to my ATM machine today; it gave me an IOU." --Jay Leno



"President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions, after reports by the UN Atomic Watchdog Committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promising new economic sanctions. And believe me, if there's one thing the president is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy." --Jay Leno



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

if there's one thing Bush is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy (Invade Wall Street)

"President Bush announced today that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market. Actually, that was Bush's second choice to fix the problem. First choice? Invade Wall Street." --Jay Leno



"President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions, after reports by the UN Atomic Watchdog Committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promising new economic sanctions. And believe me, if there's one thing the president is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy." --Jay Leno

 

"The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it'll take time.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

The Two Faces of George W Bush (it brings polls down)

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is trying to win over the American people. It's sort of a PR campaign. Earlier today, over at the U.N., he was signing baseballs that said, 'I'm sorry I enriched uranium'." --David Letterman

"According to a new survey, Hillary Clinton's popularity rating is down to its lowest point in over a year. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down.'" --Conan O'Brein

"The chancellor of Germany disengaged herself from President Bush using a move she learned in date rape prevention class. If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off." --Jon Stewart, on Bush groping German Chancellor Angela Merkel

"Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk." --Bill Maher 

If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down (hot buttered roll)

"A lot of people were offended by President Bush using a four-letter word at the G-8 Summit the other day. Were you offended? I was more offended by the way he eats a buttered roll in front of company." --Jay Leno

"At the end of last night's 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine." --Conan O'Brien

  

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is trying to win over the American people. It's sort of a PR campaign. Earlier today, over at the U.N., he was signing baseballs that said, 'I'm sorry I enriched uranium'." --David Letterman

"According to a new survey, Hillary Clinton's popularity rating is down to its lowest point in over a year. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, 'If there's one thing Hillary can do, it's bring polls down.'" --Conan O'Brein

they also developed the low-carb uranium (fewer French prisoners)

"The shaky cease-fire in Lebanon continues to hold out against all odds. The peace plan, which was hammered out by the French and the U.N., called for 15,000 peace keepers led by sizable French contingent. Turns out in French, sizable translates as 200 guys in rubber dingies. Now it's all very predictable. You can't blame the French -- they're just being French. Of course, it's no great loss. Honestly, the difference between 200 French troops and 15,000 French troops is just fewer French prisoners." --Stephen Colbert

"Iran is really stepping up their nuclear program. Not only do they have the enriched uranium, they also developed the low-carb uranium." --David Letterman

"President Bush now says he does not care about Iran's nuclear program, as long as they're not developing a nuke-ular program." --David Letterman