Every employee was like, ‘I love it here’ then blinked the Morse code for ‘Help’ (Friggin' Biden)

April 2023

“President Biden and the First Lady just released their tax returns, which show that they made less money than the year before. When he heard, Biden was like, ‘Friggin' Biden.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Biden's tax returns were pretty interesting. Under ‘gifts received’, he wrote ‘nowhere near what Clarence Thomas got.’ Then under dependents, Biden wrote, ‘I only wear them when I know I won't be near a bathroom.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that Google is about to release their first ever foldable phone. The phone is amazing. They say it folds faster than Fox News in court.” —Jimmy Fallon

“You guys see this? According to a LinkedIn report, Amazon is the best company in the U.S. to work for. Every Amazon employee was like, ‘I love it here’ then blinked the Morse Code for ‘Help’.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that (official cause of death was listed as Karma)

"More bad news for President Bush, his approval rating now dropped again, now at 33%. I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that. I'll give you an idea of how bad Bush's approval rating is, today he got turned down by Di-Tech." --Jay Leno

"An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs." –Jay Leno

"More problems for the White House. Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff said he met with President Bush almost a dozen times, contradicting the White House claims that Bush didn't know him. In President Bush's defense, it was pretty dark inside Abramoff's back pocket." --Jay Leno

 

"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How the hell did you manage to lose money running a casino? (unbelievably without stopping to have sex once)

President Trump today met several Native American tribal leaders. They had a lot of questions for the president, such as, "How the hell did you manage to lose money running a casino?" –Seth Meyers

A man completed a 180 mile unicycle ride yesterday, across the state of Maine, unbelievably without stopping to have sex once. --Seth Meyers

It was reported today that Cuba will open its first sex shop. It's called Fideldo's. --Seth Meyers

Spirit Airlines recently gave a family 21 years of free travel after a mother went into labor and gave birth mid-flight. Though they probably should have given those free flights to the guy sitting next to her. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao (Or, as President Bush calls him, Mr. Miyagi)

"Today Joe Biden said the only place Mitt Romney has created jobs is in China. This has sparked an angry rebuttal from Romney spokesperson Wen Cheng-Bao." –Conan O'Brien

"Obama called Romney a pioneer of outsourcing jobs. A spokesperson for Romney said, 'I dare him to come to India and say that to my face.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Later this week, President Bush will meet with the prime minister of Japan. Or, as President Bush calls him, Mr. Miyagi." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, that's the price you pay for hiring Chris Christie (Yes, We Can, But We Won't)

Yesterday, White House officials said Russia targeted election systems in 21 states last year. Trump was furious. He said, “I paid for all 50.” –Jimmy Fallon

Trump’s campaign isn't doing so well financially. A recent report said his campaign even spent over $100,000 for meals just last month. Trump was like, "Well, that's the price you pay for hiring Chris Christie." –Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to Chelsea Clinton, who welcomed her second child over the weekend. After the birth, Bill brought flowers, while Hillary brought a focus group to help name the baby. –Jimmy Fallon

"In his speech yesterday, former President George W. Bush attacked President Obama's policies on anti-terrorism, healthcare, and the economy. Then Bush spent the next 20 minutes trying to kill a fly." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true (the most popular class at Trump University)

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers

President Trump today accused Democrats of wanting "unlimited crime." Coincidently, Unlimited Crime was also the most popular class at Trump University. --Seth Meyers

Mitt Romney won last night’s Utah Republican Senate primary. Romney celebrated by going to a victory party and turning the music down. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And when I say "talk," I mean loud, angry, incomprehensible talk (Quick tip - if they stab you . . . fake monk)

Tourists visiting New York City are being warned about "fake monks" on the street who wear orange robes and demand money. Quick tip - if they stab you . . . fake monk. –Conan O’Brien

"Over the weekend Pope Francis implied that the Mafia should be excommunicated. In a related story, the Pope is missing. And nobody saw nothin'." –Conan O'Brien

Because of England’s Brexit vote, there’s now talk in Scotland and Northern Ireland about leaving the UK. And when I say "talk," I mean loud, angry, incomprehensible talk. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Something tells me this isn’t the first time Rudy has exaggerated the size of something (And just like nails, he’s always hammered)

June 2022

“Folks, speaking of January 6th plotters, this weekend Rudy Giuliani was assaulted by a grocery store worker on Staten Island. Before I go any further, before I say anything else, let me say that Rudy Giuliani is fine, other than the fact that he remains Rudy Giuliani.” —Stephen Colbert

“Something tells me this isn’t the first time Rudy has exaggerated the size of something.” —Chelsea Handler

“You think that’s what being shot feels like? No wonder you’re not concerned about guns. That wasn’t a slap. That was a Little League coach saying, ‘You’ll get ’em next time.’” —Seth Meyers

“After the video evidence came out, the D.A. released the assailant, who also had the charges against him reduced. They’ve gone from felony assault down to back-tap with intent to ‘Hey!’” —Stephen Colbert

“Rudy remains undaunted. His son, Andrew, and his load-bearing teeth say we don’t have to worry about Rudy because he’s ‘tough as nails.’ And just like nails, he’s always hammered.” —Stephen Colbert

“Tonight I join the millions of Americans who are outraged over the supreme court’s decision to overturn Roe v Wade, which left the right to bodily autonomy incinerated by a corrupt gang of unaccountable, rightwing theocrats who definitely think the Scarlet Letter was a comedy.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

all I know is I’m not the one being stabbed, this sounds like a you problem (Calling people bootlickers since 1776)

June 2022

It has been the most shocking hearing yet from the January 6th committee, thanks to Cassidy Hutchinson, a former top aide to Donald Trump’s last White House chief of staff, Mark Meadows. According to Hutchinson, Meadows was aware of the rally’s intentions ahead of time, and told her ‘things might get real, real bad on January 6th.’ So, the president’s chief of staff knew there could be terrible consequences, and went ahead with it anyway?! This mob showed up to his rally ready for violence, but because of their weapons – guns, knives, spears tied to the top of flag poles, bear spray – they were being stopped at the magnetic security gates, thus lessening the size of Trump’s crowd. Hutchinson said she heard the ex-president shout, ‘I don’t care that they have weapons. They’re not here to hurt me, take the fucking [security gates] away. Let my people in. They can march to the Capitol from here.’ So he was cool with his mob being armed because he knew he wasn’t the one they wanted to attack. That’s like hearing, ‘Hello, 911, state your emergency … uh huh … well, all I know is I’m not the one being stabbed, this sounds like a you problem.’” —Stephen Colbert

“We’ve heard how the former president wanted to go with the marchers along to the Capitol for the attack – presumably to batter his way into the Senate chamber with a meatball sub, but Hutchinson told us today just how desperate he was to join his mob. Hutchinson told the committee that following the rally, Trump tried to grab the steering wheel from a Secret Service agent after he refused to drive him to the Capitol. That is insane, although it is going to make a great season premiere of Kleptocrats in Cars Seizing Power. Hutchinson also confirmed that Meadows sought a presidential pardon from Trump for his role in the riot. The president’s own chief of staff wanted a Get Out of Jail Free card. But he didn’t get it, so hopefully soon he will not pass Go, not collect $200, and go directly to jail.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”