My eyes are up here (No, he didn’t!)

A group of scientists say they have been able to give paralyzed monkeys back the control of their legs using new implants. Monkeys who got their implants were like, “My eyes are up here.” –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump won the presidential election last night and then, out of habit, Kellyanne Conway said, “No, he didn’t!” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think Biden’s got that covered all on his own (when yo momma got on the trampoline)

November 2021

Well, yesterday was a weird one for President Joe Biden. He went under anesthesia for a colonoscopy, and when he woke up, the house had passed the $2 Trillion social safety net bill, the Rittenhouse verdict was announced and a woman had technically been president for the first time ever. And while Biden was processing all of that, he was rushed off to pardon a turkey named Peanut Butter. I mean, come on. The guy just turned 79 today and half the country already thinks he’s senile. You can’t drop all that on him the second he comes out of the gas. —Colin Jost

Matt Gaetz said his office would be open to hiring Kyle Rittenhouse as a congressional intern because Gaetz has always loved teenagers who are willing to do terrible things. —Colin Jost

Steve Bannon, seen here ordering, “One new liver, please,” surrendered to the FBI on contempt of congress charges and said, “We’re taking down the Biden regime.” I hate to break it to you, Steve, but I think Biden’s got that covered all on his own. —Colin Jost

Arizona congressman Paul Gosar, seen here watching an interracial couple walk by, has officially been censured after posting a violent anime video that depicted him killing Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. But I don’t know, he’s a 60 year old man who makes his own anime. When he heard he was getting punished he was probably like, “Is it nipple clamps? I just hope an octopus doesn’t do anything to me.” —Colin Jost

A man surprised to his girlfriend by bringing her onstage to propose to her during an Adele concert. Then they sat down and listened to an hour of songs about divorce. —Colin Jost

This week, the U.S. experienced the longest partial lunar eclipse in nearly 600 years. Scientists say the eclipse began when yo momma got on the trampoline. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I say this as someone who’s been to the dentist (or will it be the one who exists?)

November 2021

“Chris Christie has appeared on-air to promote his book Republican Rescue, casting himself as some sort of straight shooter when it comes to the 2020 election. Christie was one of the first prominent GOP figures to endorse Trump in 2016, and advised him on debate prep during the 2020 election. I guess at this point, any Republican who’s willing to say the election wasn’t stolen deserves a shred of credit, which tells you just how far the GOP has fallen. Why are we taking Chris Christie, of all people, seriously? He stood by this obviously monstrous man for years, and he still refuses to say whether he’d support Trump again in 2024. Asked by CNN’s Dana Bash if he would support the former president in 2024, Christie answered: ‘Let’s see what happens when he does, and let’s see who he is, and what he says, and how he conducts himself.’ Oh yes, let’s see which Donald Trump will show up. Will it be the well-spoken and serious statesman, or will it be the one who exists?” —Seth Meyers

“Representative Paul Gosar of Arizona, became the first lawmaker in more than a decade to be censured by the House this week for tweeting an anime video depicting him killing progressive Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Seeing something like this from Paul Gosar is not surprising because over the years, Gosar has made a name for himself as possibly the most controversial person in all of Congress, which is actually impressive, when you think about it. Formerly a dentist, a profession he frequently invokes for no reason, Gosar ran for Congress as part of the Tea Party movement in 2010. And it turns out there was one part that Gosar did bring to Congress: teeth whitening. Except instead of whitening teeth, he’s trying to whiten America. Gosar, whose five siblings publicly opposed his run for office, has been known to associate with anti-Muslim and white nationalist hate groups. Someone this awful, they shouldn’t be running anything in government. And I don’t say this as a talkshow host. I say this as someone who’s been to the dentist.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, to them this must be like seeing Trump at a Black Lives Matter march with A.O.C. (You’ve been health’d!)

July 2020

On President Trump’s first public appearance in a mask during a weekend visit to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. “And look, I’m glad that Trump finally put a mask on, but it’s got to be confusing for his supporters who have been mocking face masks this whole time. I mean, to them this must be like seeing Trump at a Black Lives Matter march with A.O.C.” — Trevor Noah

“And I know that is part of the reason Trump resisted wearing the mask for so long is because he is self-conscious about his image, all right? That is why he didn’t want to do it. So let me go on record as saying: President Trump, don’t listen to any of the haters out there, saying you look like a diabetic Bane or Shredder from ‘The Ninja Turtles’ if all he shredded was cheese. You look great, so please keep wearing that mask.”— Trevor Noah

“And I just wanna say: Ha-ha! Fell for it, sucker. This was all the long con. We’ve been wearing ’em just to get you to look stupid. You’ve been health’d.” — Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

By the way, for Mike Pence, ‘looking you in the eye’ is second base (And irony is now as dead as his eyes)

“Mike Pence didn’t wear a mask when visiting the Mayo Clinic. Pence said he wanted to be able to look people in the eye to thank them personally for their sacrifice. You can still look them in the eye with a mask! It’s not a blindfold.” — Stephen Colbert

“By the way, for Mike Pence, ‘looking you in the eye’ is second base.” — Stephen Colbert

“See, he didn’t want to wear a mask because he wanted to look them in the eye and say thank you. What kind of a mask was he planning to wear, Spider-Man?” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, Team Trump is busy declaring victory. The president’s pretty little son-in-law was on ‘Fox and Friends’ this morning. He said the federal government ‘rose to the challenge’ and that ‘This is a great success story.’ And irony is now as dead as his eyes.” — Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the only way you’ll get your bacon is if you fight the pig yourself (the world’s hungriest superhero)

“Meat-processing plants across the country shut down due to coronavirus updates. Earlier this week, Trump signed an executive order under the Defense Production Act to keep some processing plants open and running at maximum capacity. You know, I will say this about Trump: he is very clear about what his priorities are in life. Because he was warned for months about the pandemic coming to America and he did practically nothing. But you tell the man once that there could be a beef shortage and he springs into action like the world’s hungriest superhero.” —Trevor Noah

“Still, few places in America have experienced higher rates of coronavirus than meat-processing plants. And although there doesn’t seem to be a danger to the food itself, in most of these facilities, the workers are quite literally putting their lives on the line. At many plants, several thousand employees work in close proximity; workers have alleged they were given hairnets to use as face masks. It’s really sad that these workers are being forced to keep the food chain going but nobody is being forced to protect them while they do it. They need equipment to keep safe while doing their jobs. And if you eat meat, you especially should want these workers to be treated right, because without them, the only way you’ll get your bacon is if you fight the pig yourself.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jamarl Thomas: Alexandria Ocasio Cortez Openly Declares War With Her Own Dem Party | Sanders Uses "The Mob"

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Kyle Kulinski: AOC Explains Bernie’s Impeccable Courage & Consistency

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

David Doel: Bernie Rally Draws Huge Crowd, Topping Every Candidate

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Secular Talk: BREAKING: AOC To Endorse Bernie & Initial Debate Thoughts!

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That unborn child is Luke Skywalker (the last voyage of the Space Shuttle)

"I'm upset that friend of the show Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. But this is Natalie Portman we're talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker." –Conan O'Brien

"This is the last voyage of the Space Shuttle, and President Obama called them in space today: 'You're not going to believe what's happening with Charlie Sheen down here.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for Governor." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

it's real simple alarm - it consists of a sticker (Just start spelling it then quit)

I was home last week and I heard I heard a gunshot outside of my apartment. Then I saw two guys run by my window so I was gonna call the police, but then I got optimistic. I said, hey maybe it’s just a race. Yeah, that’s what it is. There's a lot of late night track and field events by my house. —Mitch Hedberg

I live in a studio apartment.  I got a sliding glass door that has a sticker on it that says, Warning Alarm System. it's real simple alarm - it consists of a sticker. —Mitch Hedberg

When I was eighteen my friend Tim and I, we packed up his Volare and we moved from Minnesota to Florida. We wanted to move to Texas but the front end of his car was out of alignment. --Mitch Hedberg

I had a roommate named Eddie who was kind of slow. I asked him one day how to abbreviate Arkansas, Eddie said, “I don’t know. Just start spelling it then quit.” --Mitch Hedberg

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Mayday! We have a problem. (No corporate donors)

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I’m going to use it. --Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen. --Steven Wright

I was folding my bed back into coach. I almost broke both my arms cause it’s not one of those kinds of beds. --Steven Wright.

Hermits have no peer pressure. --Steven Wright

A wicker chair it's my favorite chair. Because I stole it. I was at a crowded party and when no one was looking I went over to it and I unraveled it. --Steven Wright

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore: Pelosi Mocks AOC & Progressives On 60 Minutes

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

David Doel: AOC Says What Other Democrats Won’t Admit To

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In 70 years, the U.K. has gone from Winston Churchill to a roadie for Spinal Tap (You’ll never take me alive!)

“Pro-Brexit politician Boris Johnson was officially elected today to become the U.K.’s next prime minister. Great. In 70 years, the U.K. has gone from Winston Churchill to a roadie for Spinal Tap.” --Seth Meyers

“What were you expecting from his testimony? Did you think Mueller was going to smash through the wall in a monster truck called the DeTrumpulator?” --Seth Meyers

Some Democrats were happy to hear Mueller suggest that President Trump could be charged with obstruction of justice after he leaves office. “You know when Trump heard that, he started pushing the sofa in front of the door. [Imitating Trump] ‘You’ll never take me alive!’” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They even changed the name of the local Hooters to Torsos (How the hell can we stop them?)

Merriam-Webster dictionary tweeted that the "most searched for" words following President Trump's campaign rally last night were "racism," "fascism," and "xenophobia." While at the rally, that was the calendar of events. --Seth Meyers

The House of Representatives voted today on a bill that would raise the federal minimum wage to $15 an hour. Said Trump, "That's too high. I mean, who works for a whole hour? I mean, maybe if you broke it up over the course of the day." --Seth Meyers

A Long Island man recovered his missing 9-foot-long anaconda this week after finding it in the dashboard of his van. But you should still always say no if a stranger ever asks you to get in his van to help him find his snake. --Seth Meyers

Berkeley, California, voted last night to rename gendered terms like "manhole" to neutral terms like "maintenance hole." They even changed the name of the local Hooters to Torsos. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Said Hallmark, ‘In retrospect, we never should have added that section.’ (That's why I live in your motha)

Eric Trump's wife, Lara, today launched a new Women for Trump re-election initiative at an event in Pennsylvania, while Eric launched one called Sons Who'd Love to Meet Trump. --Seth Meyers

According to a new study, Boston has the least affordable housing of any American city. Said people from Boston, "That's why I live in your motha." --Seth Meyers

“Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez yesterday responded to President Trump’s racist attacks on her and three other congresswomen, calling Trump’s words the, quote, ‘hallmark language of white supremacists.’ Said Hallmark, ‘In retrospect, we never should have added that section.’” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Ring of Fire: AOC And Bernie Join Forces To Take Down Greedy Wall Street Banks

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

we can’t believe something is there just because Bush says it is (going back to visit the Death Star)

"‘Decision Points’ by George W. Bush has dropped, and it's like 'War & Peace' without the peace. Here's the very first page: 'In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.' Right away he’s got you hooked. Did he write them or didn’t he? You won’t know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there’s one thing we’ve learned it’s that we can’t believe something is there just because Bush says it is." –Stephen Colbert

"President Obama was in Indonesia today, and he spent a lot of his childhood there. It was like Dick Cheney going back to visit the Death Star." –Craig Ferguson 

"President Obama said he spends a lot of time thinking about bringing back the eight million jobs we lost. And in his new book, George Bush says he spends a lot of time thinking about bringing back the show 'Wings.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A company in China is selling a President Obama blow-up sex doll. Don't get too excited. It turns out most of its positions are very unpopular." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”